Scripts

[Christopher kim]

Jamie Cannon MS, LPC
Stress Fracture
How to Use Scripts When Communicating With a Manipulator

Scripts are a convenient way to shut down manipulation.
Posted November 28, 2023
Reviewed by Michelle Quirk

KEY POINTS

Scripts are rehearsed dialogue that take the emotion out of a charged situation.
Scripts decrease the negative outcomes associated with manipulative communication.
Manipulators see communication as simply a means to an end, to achieve what they want from someone else.
Communicating with a manipulator is challenging at best; most highly skilled manipulators see communication as simply a means to an end, to achieve what they want from someone else. Communication becomes a game in these situations—a game that emphasizes winning over interpersonal dynamics.

When trust, mutual respect, and empathy—hallmarks of healthy communication—are set aside during interpersonal interactions, the results can be devastating. The absence of healthy communication skills leads to overreactions, hurtful comments, and escalated tempers.

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Manipulators can be skilled at certain types of communication
Contrary to what many people think, manipulators can actually be quite skilled at some parts of communication. They have to be, to use it effectively to get their wants met. Those competencies usually include an ability to read others’ emotions and reactions quickly, knowing which buttons to push to get the desired reaction, and expertly turning conversations around to keep them “on track.” Knowing how to respond to manipulators can save a lot of heartache—and sometimes end unhealthy situations before they escalate out of control.

Communication is an elaborate, complicated skill that requires finesse—and can go wrong very quickly. In relationships that are not reciprocal, particularly manipulative ones, there are some basic communication competencies that will help reduce negative outcomes. Scripts—specific, pre-planned dialogue for particular situations—can be extremely helpful when communicating with manipulators.

Scripts as a communication tool
A script takes away the guesswork in communication. When a manipulator is pushing your boundaries to obtain what they want, using a script instead of responding emotionally in the moment is not only convenient but also takes some of the pressure off you. When interacting with a manipulator, gaining some distance—and some breathing room—is vital to maintaining self-control.

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Scripts can feel artificial in the moment. After all, they’ve been rehearsed carefully and tailored to fit certain situations. The truth is, they are the farthest thing from genuine, emotionally connected communication—for a reason. Scripts can provide a buffer between you and a manipulator, whereas trying to connect on an emotional level will usually backfire. Scripts also make your boundaries very clear, in the most succinct way possible.

Common scripts to use with manipulators
Though helpful, scripts take dedication—and planning. They can’t be developed in the moment; to utilize an effective script, you have to take the time to consider what conversation may arise, identify your needs in each of those situations, and write down a specific response for each situation—a response that you can remember and repeat as needed. Running through some common scripts to use can be very helpful:

When trying to say “no” to a manipulator: Keep your scripts short and respectful. “Thanks, but no” or “I’ve decided not to” can make the answer “no” sound more civil while still standing firm on your boundaries.
When responding to a manipulator who is belittling or insulting you: Scripts must stay non-emotional to avoid escalating the situation and falling prey to a manipulator’s desire to push your buttons. “Please stop harassing me,” or “As I’ve stated several times before, I will not communicate with you about this” sets boundaries without throwing emotions into the mix.
When manipulators lie about what they have said or done: Confront the situation in a way that leaves no room for further arguing. “I know what I heard [or saw], and I won’t participate in further conversations about this” can help you make it clear you don’t buy the lie—and you won’t waste energy arguing it with them.
When a manipulator tries to blame-shift: Stay calm while internally reminding yourself what is happening. “I don’t agree with your interpretation of the situation, and I will not discuss it any longer with you” or “You are responsible for your own choices and behavior” keep you from getting pulled into the why and how of their accusations, preserving your opinion in the process.
When a manipulator uses guilt to get you to do something against your will: Scripts should be firm and unyielding. “I will not respond to ultimatums” or “I have already given you my answer to that” reasserts your boundaries while reminding them that certain tactics just won’t work with you.
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Consistency is the key
The key to using scripts successfully is to take the emotion out of your communication and be willing to repeat them, as many times as needed. Manipulators—particularly those who have not been used to you communicating this way—will initially push even harder to test the waters; staying constant is crucial.

Scripts may feel uncaring, but the reality is they remove the fuel from a dangerous fire and allow you to interact in a calmer way. With consistency, manipulators will eventually stop engaging, as long as your scripts leave no wiggle room. That will leave you with a feeling of relief and renewed energy that you can put to better use than arguing with someone who does not have your best interests at heart.