PART 6 // chapter 7-2

[모나리자]

"로디아, 너한테 뭐가 문제인지 모르겠어." 그녀가 마침내 말했다. "나는 우리가 그저 너를 지루하게 했을 뿐이라고 계속 생각해 왔는데, 이제 너에게 큰 슬픔이 기다리고 있다는 걸 알았고, 그래서 네가 비참한 거야. 나는 오래전부터 그것을 예견했어, 로디아. 내가 그것에 대해 말하는 것을 용서해. 나는 그것에 대해 계속 생각하고 밤에 잠을 이루지 못해. 네 누이는 어젯밤 내내 잠에서 너에 대해서만 이야기하며 누워 있었어. 뭔가를 들었지만 알아들을 수 없었어.

나는 마치 내가 교수형에 처해질 것 같은 기분이었고, 무언가를 기다리고, 무언가를 기대했는데, 이제 그것이 왔어! 로디아, 로디아, 어디 가는 거야? 어딘가로 떠나는 거야?" "그래." "그게 내 생각이었지! 내가 너와 함께 갈 수 있어, 알다시피, 네가 필요하면 말이야. 그리고 두냐도 마찬가지야. 그녀는 너를 사랑해, 너를 정말 사랑해—그리고 소피아 세묘노브나가 원한다면 우리와 함께 갈 수도 있어. 알다시피, 나는 그녀를 딸로 보는 것이 기쁩니다... 드미트리 프로코피치가 우리가 함께 가는 것을 도울 것입니다.

하지만... 어디로... 가는 거야?" "안녕, 어머니." "오늘은?" 그녀는 그를 영원히 잃은 것처럼 외쳤다. "머무를 수 없어, 지금 가야 해..." "그리고 당신과 함께 갈 수 없나요?" "아니요, 무릎을 꿇고 나를 위해 신에게 기도하세요. 당신의 기도가 그분께 닿을지도 몰라요." "내가 당신을 축복하고 십자가로 표시하게 해 주세요. 맞아요, 맞아요. 오, 신이시여, 우리는 무엇을 하고 있는 거지?" 네, 그는 기뻤습니다. 아무도 없다는 것이, 그가 어머니와 둘만 있다는 것이 매우 기뻤습니다. 그 모든 끔찍한 몇 달 동안 처음으로 그의 마음이 부드러워졌습니다. 그는 그녀 앞에 엎드려 그녀의 발에 키스하고 둘 다 울며 껴안았습니다. 그리고 그녀는 놀라지 않았고 이번에는 그에게 질문하지 않았습니다.

그녀는 며칠 동안 아들에게 끔찍한 일이 일어나고 있다는 것을 깨달았고 이제 그에게 끔찍한 순간이 왔다는 것을 깨달았습니다. "로디아, 내 사랑하는 딸아, 내 첫째야." 그녀는 흐느끼며 말했다. "지금은 어렸을 때와 똑같아. 이렇게 내게 달려와서 껴안고 키스하곤 했지. 네 아버지가 살아 계셨고 우리가 가난했을 때, 네가 그저 우리와 함께 있는 것만으로도 우리를 위로해 주었고, 내가 네 아버지를 묻었을 때, 우리는 지금처럼 그의 무덤 앞에서 얼마나 자주 함께 울고 껴안았는지. 그리고 내가 최근에 울었다면, 그것은 어머니의 가슴이 곤경에 처할 조짐을 보였기 때문이야.

너를 처음 본 그날 저녁, 기억하시겠지만, 우리가 여기 도착하자마자, 나는 네 눈에서 짐작했어. 내 가슴이 한꺼번에 가라앉았고, 오늘 문을 열고 너를 바라보았을 때, 운명의 시간이 왔다고 생각했어. 로디아, 로디아, 오늘은 떠나지 않을 거야?" "아니!" "다시 올 거야?" "그래... 갈게."

"로디아, 화내지 마, 감히 네게 질문할 수 없어. 그러면 안 된다는 걸 알아. 두 마디만 해줘—너 가는 곳이 먼가?" "아주 먼데." "거기서 널 기다리는 건 뭐야? 널 위한 직위나 경력?" "신이 보내신... 나를 위해 기도해." 라스콜니코프는 문으로 갔지만, 그녀는 그를 움켜쥐고 절망적으로 그의 눈을 응시했다. 그녀의 얼굴은 공포로 가득 찼다. "그만해, 어머니." 라스콜니코프가 말하며 그가 온 것을 깊이 후회했다.

"영원히가 아니야, 아직 영원하지 않아? 올 거야, 내일 올 거야?" "그럴게, 올게, 안녕." 그는 마침내 몸을 떼어냈다. 따뜻하고 상쾌하고 밝은 저녁이었다. 아침에 맑아졌다. 라스콜니코프는 숙소로 갔다. 그는 서둘러서 갔다. 그는 해가 지기 전에 모든 것을 끝내고 싶었다. 그는 그때까지 누구도 만나고 싶지 않았다. 계단을 올라가면서 나스타샤가 사모바르에서 달려나와 그를 주의 깊게 지켜보는 것을 알아챘다. "누가 나를 보러 왔을까?" 그는 궁금해했다. 그는 포르피리의 혐오스러운 환상을 보았다.

하지만 문을 열자 두니아가 보였다. 그녀는 혼자 앉아 깊은 생각에 빠져 있었고, 오랫동안 기다린 것처럼 보였다. 그는 문간에 멈춰 섰다. 그녀는 당황해서 소파에서 일어나 그를 마주보았다. 그녀의 눈은 그를 응시하며 공포와 무한한 슬픔을 드러냈다. 그리고 그 눈에서만 그는 그녀가 알고 있다는 것을 즉시 알았다. "들어가야 할까, 아니면 가야 할까?" 그는 불확실하게 물었다.

"저는 하루 종일 소피아 세묘노브나와 함께 있었습니다. 우리 둘 다 당신을 기다리고 있었습니다. 당신이 반드시 올 것이라고 생각했습니다." 라스콜니코프는 방으로 들어가 의자에 지쳐 주저앉았다. "저는 약해졌어요, 두냐, 정말 피곤해요. 그리고 저는

이 순간 제 자신을 제어할 수 있었으면 좋았을 텐데요." 그는 그녀를 의심스럽게 쳐다보았다. "밤새 어디에 있었어?" "저는 잘 기억이 나지 않습니다. 아시다시피, 자매님, 저는 한 번 마음을 정하고 싶었고, 네바 강을 여러 번 지나갔을 때, 그곳에서 모든 것을 끝내고 싶었던 걸 기억하지만... 마음을 정할 수 없었어요." 그는 그녀를 다시 의심스럽게 바라보며 속삭였다.

"맙소사! 그게 바로 우리가 두려워했던 일이에요, 소피아 세묘노브나와 저. 그럼 당신은 여전히 ​​삶에 대한 믿음이 있나요? 맙소사, 맙소사!" 라스콜니코프는 씁쓸하게 웃었다. "저는 믿음이 없지만, 어머니 품에 안겨 울기만 했어요. 믿음이 없지만, 어머니께 기도해 달라고 부탁했을 뿐이에요. 어떤지 모르겠어요, 두니아, 이해가 안 돼요." "어머니 집에 가보셨어요? 말씀드렸어요?" 두니아가 공포에 질려 소리쳤다. "그럴 리가 없잖아요?" "아니요, 말씀드린 게 아니에요... 말로는요. 하지만 어머니는 아주 잘 알아들었어요. 잠꼬대하시는 걸 들었어요. 어머니도 이미 반쯤은 이해하셨을 거예요.

어머니를 보러 간 게 잘못이었을지도 몰라요. 왜 갔는지 모르겠어요. 저는 멸시받는 사람이에요, 두니아." "멸시받는 사람이지만, 고통에 직면할 준비가 되어 있어요! 당신은 그렇지 않나요?" "네, 가겠습니다. 바로요. 네, 수치심을 피하기 위해 저는 물에 빠져 죽는 것을 생각했습니다, 두니아, 하지만 제가 물을 들여다보니

지금까지 제가 강하다고 생각했다면 수치심을 두려워하지 않는 게 낫겠다고 생각했습니다." 그는 서둘러 말을 이었다.

"자존심이에요, 두니아." "자존심, 로디아." 그의 광채 없는 눈에 불꽃이 번쩍였다. 그는 여전히 자랑스러워하는 것 같아 기뻤다. "자매님, 제가 그저 물을 두려워했다고 생각하지 않으세요?" 그는 그녀의 얼굴을 사악한 미소로 바라보며 물었다. "오, 로디아, 조용히!" 두니아가 씁쓸하게 외쳤다. 침묵은 2분간 이어졌다. 그는 바닥에 시선을 고정한 채 앉아 있었다. 두니아는 테이블 반대편에 서서 괴로운 표정으로 그를 바라보았다. 갑자기 그는 일어났다.

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“I don’t know what is wrong with you, Rodya,” she said at last. “I’ve been thinking all this time that we were simply boring you and now I see that there is a great sorrow in store for you, and that’s why you are miserable. I’ve foreseen it a long time, Rodya. Forgive me for speaking about it. I keep thinking about it and lie awake at nights. Your sister lay talking in her sleep all last night, talking of nothing but you. I caught something, but I couldn’t make it out.

I felt all the morning as though I were going to be hanged, waiting for something, expecting something, and now it has come! Rodya, Rodya, where are you going? You are going away somewhere?” “Yes.” “That’s what I thought! I can come with you, you know, if you need me. And Dounia, too; she loves you, she loves you dearly—and Sofya Semyonovna may come with us if you like. You see, I am glad to look upon her as a daughter even... Dmitri Prokofitch will help us to go together.

But... where... are you going?” “Good-bye, mother.” “What, to-day?” she cried, as though losing him for ever. “I can’t stay, I must go now....” “And can’t I come with you?” “No, but kneel down and pray to God for me. Your prayer perhaps will reach Him.” “Let me bless you and sign you with the cross. That’s right, that’s right. Oh, God, what are we doing?” Yes, he was glad, he was very glad that there was no one there, that he was alone with his mother. For the first time after all those awful months his heart was softened. He fell down before her, he kissed her feet and both wept, embracing. And she was not surprised and did not question him this time.

For some days she had realised that something awful was happening to her son and that now some terrible minute had come for him. “Rodya, my darling, my first born,” she said sobbing, “now you are just as when you were little. You would run like this to me and hug me and kiss me. When your father was living and we were poor, you comforted us simply by being with us and when I buried your father, how often we wept together at his grave and embraced, as now. And if I’ve been crying lately, it’s that my mother’s heart had a foreboding of trouble.

The first time I saw you, that evening, you remember, as soon as we arrived here, I guessed simply from your eyes. My heart sank at once, and to-day when I opened the door and looked at you, I thought the fatal hour had come. Rodya, Rodya, you are not going away to-day?” “No!” “You’ll come again?” “Yes... I’ll come.”

“Rodya, don’t be angry, I don’t dare to question you. I know I mustn’t. Only say two words to me—is it far where you are going?” “Very far.” “What is awaiting you there? Some post or career for you?” “What God sends... only pray for me.” Raskolnikov went to the door, but she clutched him and gazed despairingly into his eyes. Her face worked with terror. “Enough, mother,” said Raskolnikov, deeply regretting that he had come.

“Not for ever, it’s not yet for ever? You’ll come, you’ll come to-morrow?” “I will, I will, good-bye.” He tore himself away at last. It was a warm, fresh, bright evening; it had cleared up in the morning. Raskolnikov went to his lodgings; he made haste. He wanted to finish all before sunset. He did not want to meet anyone till then. Going up the stairs he noticed that Nastasya rushed from the samovar to watch him intently. “Can anyone have come to see me?” he wondered. He had a disgusted vision of Porfiry.

But opening his door he saw Dounia. She was sitting alone, plunged in deep thought, and looked as though she had been waiting a long time. He stopped short in the doorway. She rose from the sofa in dismay and stood up facing him. Her eyes, fixed upon him, betrayed horror and infinite grief. And from those eyes alone he saw at once that she knew. “Am I to come in or go away?” he asked uncertainly.

“I’ve been all day with Sofya Semyonovna. We were both waiting for you. We thought that you would be sure to come there.” Raskolnikov went into the room and sank exhausted on a chair. “I feel weak, Dounia, I am very tired; and I should have liked

at this moment to be able to control myself.” He glanced at her mistrustfully. “Where were you all night?” “I don’t remember clearly. You see, sister, I wanted to make up my mind once for all, and several times I walked by the Neva, I remember that I wanted to end it all there, but... I couldn’t make up my mind,” he whispered, looking at her mistrustfully again.

“Thank God! That was just what we were afraid of, Sofya Semyonovna and I. Then you still have faith in life? Thank God, thank God!” Raskolnikov smiled bitterly. “I haven’t faith, but I have just been weeping in mother’s arms; I haven’t faith, but I have just asked her to pray for me. I don’t know how it is, Dounia, I don’t understand it.” “Have you been at mother’s? Have you told her?” cried Dounia, horror-stricken. “Surely you haven’t done that?” “No, I didn’t tell her... in words; but she understood a great deal. She heard you talking in your sleep. I am sure she half understands it already.

Perhaps I did wrong in going to see her. I don’t know why I did go. I am a contemptible person, Dounia.” “A contemptible person, but ready to face suffering! You are, aren’t you?” “Yes, I am going. At once. Yes, to escape the disgrace I thought of drowning myself, Dounia, but as I looked into the water, I thought that if I

had considered myself strong till now I’d better not be afraid of disgrace,” he said, hurrying on.

“It’s pride, Dounia.” “Pride, Rodya.” There was a gleam of fire in his lustreless eyes; he seemed to be glad to think that he was still proud. “You don’t think, sister, that I was simply afraid of the water?” he asked, looking into her face with a sinister smile. “Oh, Rodya, hush!” cried Dounia bitterly. Silence lasted for two minutes. He sat with his eyes fixed on the floor; Dounia stood at the other end of the table and looked at him with anguish. Suddenly he got up.

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