PART 6 // chapter 7-3

[모나리자]

"늦었어, 가야 할 시간이야! 나는 즉시 항복하러 갈 거야. 하지만 왜 항복해야 할지 모르겠어." 그녀의 뺨에 큰 눈물이 떨어졌다. "울고 있잖아, 누나. 하지만 나한테 손을 내밀 수 있어?" "의심했어?" 그녀는 그를 끌어안았다. "고통을 마주함으로써 범죄를 반쯤 속죄하고 있지 않아?" 그녀는 그를 꼭 껴안고 키스하며 소리쳤다. "범죄? 무슨 범죄야?" 그는 갑자기 격노하여 소리쳤다. "내가 사악하고 해로운 곤충을 죽였다는 거야, 아무에게도 쓸모없는 늙은 전당포 여자를 죽였다는 거야!... 그녀를 죽인 것은 사십 가지 죄에 대한 속죄였다.

그녀는 가난한 사람들의 생명을 빨아먹고 있었다. 그게 범죄였어? 나는 그것에 대해 생각하지 않고 속죄할 생각도 없는데, 왜 당신들은 사방에서 그것을 문지르고 있는 거야? '범죄! 범죄!' 지금에야 나는 이 불필요한 불명예를 마주하기로 결심한 지금, 내 비겁함의 어리석음을 분명히 봅니다. 그저 내가 경멸받을 만하고 내 안에 아무것도 없기 때문에, 아마도 나에게 유리하기 위해 그렇게 결심한 것입니다. 포르피리...가 제안했듯이요!" "형님, 형님, 무슨 말씀이신가요? 피를 흘렸잖아요?" 두니아가 절망에 빠져 소리쳤습니다.

"모든 사람이 흘리는 것"이라고 그는 거의 미친 듯이 말했습니다. "흘러내리고 항상 개울처럼 흘러내리고 샴페인처럼 쏟아지고, 사람들이 국회의사당에서 왕관을 쓰고 나중에 인류의 은인이라고 불리는 것. 더 주의 깊게 살펴보고 이해하세요! 나도 사람들에게 선행을 베풀고 싶었고, 그 한 가지 어리석은 일을 만회하기 위해 수백, 수천 가지 선행을 했을 것입니다. 어리석음이 아니라, 그저 서투른 것이었습니다. 그 아이디어는 지금 실패한 것처럼 보이는 만큼 결코 어리석지 않았습니다...(실패하면 모든 것이 어리석어 보입니다.) 그 어리석음으로 나는 단지 나 자신을 독립적인 위치에 두고, 첫걸음을 내딛고, 수단을 얻고 싶었을 뿐이었고, 그러면 모든 것이 헤아릴 수 없을 만큼 많은 혜택으로 매끄러워졌을 것입니다.... 하지만 나는... 나는 첫걸음조차 수행할 수 없었습니다. 내가 경멸받을 만한 존재이기 때문입니다!

하지만 나는 당신이 보는 것처럼 보지 않을 것입니다. 내가 성공했다면 영광의 왕관을 썼을 텐데, 지금은 갇혔습니다." "하지만 그게 그렇지 않습니다, 그렇지 않습니다! 형님, 무슨 말씀이신가요?" "아, 그림 같지도 않고, 미적으로 매력적이지도 않습니다! 왜 사람들을 정기적으로 포위 공격하는 것이 더 명예로운지 이해할 수 없습니다. 외모에 대한 두려움은 무력감의 첫 번째 증상입니다. 저는 지금보다 더 명확하게 이것을 알아차린 적이 없었고, 제가 한 일이 범죄라는 것을 그 어느 때보다 더 잘 알지 못합니다.

저는 지금보다 더 강하고 확신이 섰던 적이 없었습니다." 그의 창백하고 지친 얼굴에 혈색이 돌았지만, 마지막 변명을 하던 중 우연히 두니아의 눈을 마주쳤고, 그 눈에서 엄청난 고통을 보았기 때문에 제지당하지 않을 수 없었습니다. 그는 어쨌든 이 불쌍한 두 여자를 비참하게 만들었고, 어쨌든 자신이 원인이라고 느꼈습니다... "두니아, 사랑하는 사람아, 내가 죄가 있다면 용서해줘(죄가 있다면 용서받을 수 없지만). 안녕! 우리는 논쟁하지 않을 거야.

가야 할 때야, 가야 할 때야. 나를 따라오지 마, 간청해, 갈 곳이 또 있어... 하지만 당장 가서 어머니 옆에 앉아. 간청해! 이게 내가 너에게 하는 마지막 부탁이야. 어머니를 절대 떠나지 마; 나는 그녀를 불안한 상태에 빠뜨렸고, 그녀는 낳을 수 없을 거라고 생각했다. 그녀는 죽거나 정신을 잃을 거라고. 그녀와 함께 있어! 라주미힌이 당신과 함께할 거야. 나는 그에게 말을 걸었어... 나 때문에 울지 마: 나는 평생 정직하고 남자답게 지내려고 노력할 거야, 내가 살인자라 할지라도.

언젠가는 이름을 떨칠지도 몰라. 나는 당신을 욕되게 하지 않을 거야, 알게 될 거야; 나는 여전히 보여줄 거야.... 이제 지금은 안녕," 그는 서둘러 결론을 내렸고, 두니아의 눈에서 그의 마지막 말과 약속에 대한 이상한 표정을 다시 한 번 알아챘다. "왜 울어? 울지 마, 울지 마: 우리는 영원히 헤어지지 않아! 아, 맞아! 잠깐만, 내가 잊었어!" 그는 테이블로 가서 두껍고 먼지가 묻은 책을 집어 들고 책을 펴서 페이지 사이에서 상아색 수채화 초상화를 꺼냈다. 그것은 열병으로 죽은 그의 집주인의 딸의 초상화였습니다. 수녀가 되고 싶어했던 그 이상한 소녀.

그는 잠시 약혼녀의 섬세하고 표정이 풍부한 얼굴을 바라보고 초상화에 키스하고 두니아에게 주었다. "나는 그녀에게 그것에 대해 많이 이야기하곤 했어, 오직 그녀에게만." 그는 생각에 잠긴 듯 말했다. "나는 그녀의 마음에 그 이후로 너무나 끔찍하게 실현된 많은 것을 털어놓았어.

불안해하지 마." 그는 두니아에게 돌아갔다. "그녀는 너만큼이나 그것에 반대했고, 그녀가 사라져서 기뻐. 중요한 점은 이제 모든 것이 달라지고, 둘로 갈라질 것이라는 거야." 그는 외치며 갑자기 낙담으로 돌아갔다.

"모든 것, 모든 것, 그리고 나는 그것에 대비가 되어 있을까? 내가 그것을 원할까? 그들은 내가 고통을 받아야 한다고 말한다! 이 무의미한 고통의 목적은 무엇일까? 내가 고난과 어리석음에 짓밟히고 20년간의 징역형을 마치고 늙은이처럼 약해졌을 때, 그것이 무엇을 위한 것인지 더 잘 알 수 있을까? 그리고 그때 나는 무엇을 위해 살아야 할까? 왜 지금 그 삶에 동의하는 거지? 오, 오늘 새벽에 네바 강을 바라보며 서 있을 때 내가 멸시받을 만한 사람이라는 걸 알았어!" 마침내 두 사람은 나갔다.

두니아에게는 힘들었지만, 그녀는 그를 사랑했다. 그녀는 걸어갔지만, 50보를 간 후 다시 그를 바라보기 위해 돌아섰다. 그는 여전히 눈에 띄었다. 모퉁이에서 그도 돌아섰고, 마지막으로 두 사람의 눈이 마주쳤다. 하지만 그녀가 자신을 바라보고 있다는 것을 알아차린 그는 참을성 없이, 심지어 짜증스럽게 그녀에게 손짓을 하며 모퉁이를 돌았다.

"나는 사악해, 알아." 그는 스스로에게 생각했고, 잠시 후 두니아에게 한 화난 몸짓이 부끄러웠다. "하지만 내가 그럴 자격이 없는데 왜 그들은 나를 그렇게 좋아할까? 오, 내가 혼자였고 아무도 나를 사랑하지 않았고, 나도 누구도 사랑한 적이 없었다면! 이 모든 일이 일어나지 않았을 거야.

하지만 나는 그 15년이나 20년 사이에 내가 사람들 앞에서 겸손해지고 내가 범죄자라는 말마다 징징거릴 만큼 온유해질까 궁금하다. 그래, 바로 그거다, 바로 그거다, 그들이 나를 거기에 보내는 이유가 바로 그것이다, 그들이 원하는 게 바로 그것이다. 그들이 거리를 왔다 갔다 뛰어다니는 걸 봐,

그들 모두는 악당이고 마음은 범죄자이고, 더 나쁜 것은 바보입니다. 하지만 나를 풀어주려고 하면 그들은 정당한 분노로 난폭해질 것입니다. 오, 나는 그들을 모두 싫어합니다!" 그는 어떤 과정을 거쳐서 그가 그들 모두 앞에서 차별 없이 겸손해질 수 있을지, 확신에 의해 겸손해질 수 있을지 곰곰이 생각했습니다.

하지만 왜 안 되겠습니까? 그럴 수밖에 없습니다. 20년 동안 계속된 속박이 그를 완전히 짓밟지 않겠습니까? 물은 돌을 마모시킵니다. 그리고 왜, 왜 그는 그 후에 살아야 합니까? 그럴 것이라는 것을 알면서 왜 지금 가야 합니까? 그것은 아마도 전날 저녁 이후로 그가 스스로에게 그 질문을 한 백 번째였을 것입니다. 하지만 그는 여전히 갔습니다.

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“It’s late, it’s time to go! I am going at once to give myself up. But I don’t know why I am going to give myself up.” Big tears fell down her cheeks. “You are crying, sister, but can you hold out your hand to me?” “You doubted it?” She threw her arms round him. “Aren’t you half expiating your crime by facing the suffering?” she cried, holding him close and kissing him. “Crime? What crime?” he cried in sudden fury. “That I killed a vile noxious insect, an old pawnbroker woman, of use to no one!... Killing her was atonement for forty sins.

She was sucking the life out of poor people. Was that a crime? I am not thinking of it and I am not thinking of expiating it, and why are you all rubbing it in on all sides? ‘A crime! a crime!’ Only now I see clearly the imbecility of my cowardice, now that I have decided to face this superfluous disgrace. It’s simply because I am contemptible and have nothing in me that I have decided to, perhaps too for my advantage, as that... Porfiry... suggested!” “Brother, brother, what are you saying? Why, you have shed blood?” cried Dounia in despair.

“Which all men shed,” he put in almost frantically, “which flows and has always flowed in streams, which is spilt like champagne, and for which men are crowned in the Capitol and are called afterwards benefactors of mankind. Look into it more carefully and understand it! I too wanted to do good to men and would have done hundreds, thousands of good deeds to make up for that one piece of stupidity, not stupidity even, simply clumsiness, for the idea was by no means so stupid as it seems now that it has failed.... (Everything seems stupid when it fails.) By that stupidity I only wanted to put myself into an independent position, to take the first step, to obtain means, and then everything would have been smoothed over by benefits immeasurable in comparison.... But I... I couldn’t carry out even the first step, because I am contemptible, that’s what’s the matter!

And yet I won’t look at it as you do. If I had succeeded I should have been crowned with glory, but now I’m trapped.” “But that’s not so, not so! Brother, what are you saying?” “Ah, it’s not picturesque, not æsthetically attractive! I fail to understand why bombarding people by regular siege is more honourable. The fear of appearances is the first symptom of impotence. I’ve never, never recognised this more clearly than now, and I am further than ever from seeing that what I did was a crime.

I’ve never, never been stronger and more convinced than now.” The colour had rushed into his pale exhausted face, but as he uttered his last explanation, he happened to meet Dounia’s eyes and he saw such anguish in them that he could not help being checked. He felt that he had, anyway, made these two poor women miserable, that he was, anyway, the cause... “Dounia darling, if I am guilty forgive me (though I cannot be forgiven if I am guilty). Good-bye! We won’t dispute.

It’s time, high time to go. Don’t follow me, I beseech you, I have somewhere else to go.... But you go at once and sit with mother. I entreat you to! It’s my last request of you. Don’t leave her at all; I left her in a state of anxiety, that she is not fit to bear; she will die or go out of her mind. Be with her! Razumihin will be with you. I’ve been talking to him.... Don’t cry about me: I’ll try to be honest and manly all my life, even if I am a murderer.

Perhaps I shall some day make a name. I won’t disgrace you, you will see; I’ll still show.... Now good-bye for the present,” he concluded hurriedly, noticing again a strange expression‎ in Dounia’s eyes at his last words and promises. “Why are you crying? Don’t cry, don’t cry: we are not parting for ever! Ah, yes! Wait a minute, I’d forgotten!” He went to the table, took up a thick dusty book, opened it and took from between the pages a little water-colour portrait on ivory. It was the portrait of his landlady’s daughter, who had died of fever, that strange girl who had wanted to be a nun.

For a minute he gazed at the delicate expressive face of his betrothed, kissed the portrait and gave it to Dounia. “I used to talk a great deal about it to her, only to her,” he said thoughtfully. “To her heart I confided much of what has since been so hideously realised.

Don’t be uneasy,” he returned to Dounia, “she was as much opposed to it as you, and I am glad that she is gone. The great point is that everything now is going to be different, is going to be broken in two,” he cried, suddenly returning to his dejection.

“Everything, everything, and am I prepared for it? Do I want it myself? They say it is necessary for me to suffer! What’s the object of these senseless sufferings? shall I know any better what they are for, when I am crushed by hardships and idiocy, and weak as an old man after twenty years’ penal servitude? And what shall I have to live for then? Why am I consenting to that life now? Oh, I knew I was contemptible when I stood looking at the Neva at daybreak to-day!” At last they both went out.

It was hard for Dounia, but she loved him. She walked away, but after going fifty paces she turned round to look at him again. He was still in sight. At the corner he too turned and for the last time their eyes met; but noticing that she was looking at him, he motioned her away with impatience and even vexation, and turned the corner abruptly.

“I am wicked, I see that,” he thought to himself, feeling ashamed a moment later of his angry gesture to Dounia. “But why are they so fond of me if I don’t deserve it? Oh, if only I were alone and no one loved me and I too had never loved anyone! Nothing of all this would have happened.

But I wonder shall I in those fifteen or twenty years grow so meek that I shall humble myself before people and whimper at every word that I am a criminal? Yes, that’s it, that’s it, that’s what they are sending me there for, that’s what they want. Look at them running to and fro about the streets,

every one of them a scoundrel and a criminal at heart and, worse still, an idiot. But try to get me off and they’d be wild with righteous indignation. Oh, how I hate them all!” He fell to musing by what process it could come to pass, that he could be humbled before all of them, indiscriminately—humbled by conviction.

And yet why not? It must be so. Would not twenty years of continual bondage crush him utterly? Water wears out a stone. And why, why should he live after that? Why should he go now when he knew that it would be so? It was the hundredth time perhaps that he had asked himself that question since the previous evening, but still he went.

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