PART I // chapter 3-8

[모나리자]

그녀는 천사입니다! 그녀는 지금 당신에게 아무것도 쓰지 않고, 다만 그녀가 당신에게 전할 것이 너무 많아서 지금은 펜을 들지 않을 것이라고 쓰라고만 했습니다. 몇 줄로는 아무것도 전할 수 없고, 그것은 그녀 자신을 화나게 할 뿐이기 때문입니다. 그녀는 나에게 그녀의 사랑과 무수한 키스를 보내라고 했습니다.

하지만 우리가 곧 만날 수 있지만, 아마도 하루나 이틀 안에 최대한 많은 돈을 보내겠습니다. 이제 모두가 두니아가 표트르 페트로비치와 결혼한다는 소식을 들었기 때문에, 제 신용이 갑자기 좋아졌고 아파나시 이바노비치가 이제 제 연금 보장으로 75루블이라도 저를 믿을 것이라는 것을 압니다. 그래서 아마도 25루블이나 30루블을 보낼 수 있을 것입니다. 더 보내고 싶지만, 여비가 걱정입니다. 표트르 페트로비치가 여행 경비의 일부를 부담해 주었기 때문에, 즉 그가 우리의 가방과 큰 트렁크(그의 지인을 통해 운반될 것임)를 운반해 주었지만,

우리는 상트페테르부르크에 도착하면 약간의 비용을 예상해야 합니다. 적어도 처음 며칠 동안은 반페니 없이는 버틸 수 없을 테니까요. 하지만 두니아와 저는 마지막 페니까지 모든 것을 계산해 보았고, 여행 비용이 그렇게 많이 들지 않을 것임을 알았습니다. 우리에서 철도까지는 90베르스트밖에 안 되고, 아는 운전사와 합의해서 준비를 마쳤습니다. 그리고 그곳에서 두니아와 저는 매우 편안하게 3등석을 탈 수 있습니다. 그래서 저는 25루블이 아니라 30루블을 보낼 수 있을 것입니다. 하지만 충분합니다.

저는 이미 두 장을 썼고 더 이상 쓸 공간이 없습니다. 우리의 모든 역사이지만, 너무나 많은 사건이 일어났습니다! 그리고 이제, 나의 소중한 로디아, 나는 너를 꼭 껴안고 우리가 만날 때까지 어머니의 축복을 보낸다. 너의 여동생 두니아를 사랑해, 로디아; 그녀가 너를 사랑하는 것처럼 그녀를 사랑하고 그녀가 모든 것, 자신보다 너를 더 사랑한다는 것을 이해해. 그녀는 천사이고 너, 로디아, 너는 우리에게 전부야—우리의 유일한 희망, 우리의 유일한 위로. 너만 행복하다면 우리도 행복할 거야. 로디아, 아직도 기도하고 우리 창조주와 구세주의 자비를 믿니? 나는 네가 오늘날 널리 퍼져 있는 새로운 불신의 영에 시달렸을까봐 두렵다.

그렇다면, 나는 너를 위해 기도한다. 기억해, 사랑하는 소년아, 네 아버지가 살아 계실 때, 네가 내 무릎에 기도를 흘렸고, 그 당시 우리 모두가 얼마나 행복했는지. 안녕, 우리가 만날 때까지—나는 너를 따뜻하게, 따뜻하게, 많은 키스로 껴안는다. "죽을 때까지, "풀케리아 라스콜니코프." 거의 처음부터, 그가 편지를 읽는 동안, 라스콜니코프의 얼굴은 눈물로 젖어 있었습니다. 하지만 그가 편지를 다 읽었을 때, 그의 얼굴은 창백하고 왜곡되었고, 그의 입술에는 씁쓸하고 분노에 찬 악의에 찬 미소가 있었습니다.

그는 닳고 닳은 더러운 베개에 머리를 얹고 오랫동안 숙고했습니다. 그의 심장은 격렬하게 뛰었고, 그의 뇌는 혼란스러웠습니다. 마침내 그는 찬장이나 상자와 같은 작은 노란색 방에서 좁고 숨이 막히는 것을 느꼈습니다. 그의 눈과 그의 마음은 공간을 갈구했습니다. 그는 모자를 쓰고 나갔습니다. 이번에는 누구를 만날까 봐 두려워하지 않았습니다. 그는 자신의 두려움을 잊었습니다. 그는 바실리예프스키 오스트로프 방향으로 돌아서서 바실리예프스키 대로를 따라 걸었습니다. 마치 서둘러 일을 하러 가는 것처럼 말입니다. 하지만 그는 습관대로 자신의 길을 알아차리지 못한 채 중얼거리고 심지어 큰 소리로 중얼거리며 걸어갔고, 지나가는 사람들을 놀라게 했습니다. 많은 사람들이 그가 취했다고 생각했습니다.

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She is an angel! She is not writing anything to you now, and has only told me to write that she has so much, so much to tell you that she is not going to take up her pen now, for a few lines would tell you nothing, and it would only mean upsetting herself; she bids me send you her love and innumerable kisses.

But although we shall be meeting so soon, perhaps I shall send you as much money as I can in a day or two. Now that everyone has heard that Dounia is to marry Pyotr Petrovitch, my credit has suddenly improved and I know that Afanasy Ivanovitch will trust me now even to seventy-five roubles on the security of my pension, so that perhaps I shall be able to send you twenty-five or even thirty roubles. I would send you more, but I am uneasy about our travelling expenses; for though Pyotr Petrovitch has been so kind as to undertake part of the expenses of the journey, that is to say, he has taken upon himself the conveyance of our bags and big trunk (which will be conveyed through some acquaintances of his),

we must reckon upon some expense on our arrival in Petersburg, where we can’t be left without a halfpenny, at least for the first few days. But we have calculated it all, Dounia and I, to the last penny, and we see that the journey will not cost very much. It is only ninety versts from us to the railway and we have come to an agreement with a driver we know, so as to be in readiness; and from there Dounia and I can travel quite comfortably third class. So that I may very likely be able to send to you not twenty-five, but thirty roubles. But enough;

I have covered two sheets already and there is no space left for more; our whole history, but so many events have happened! And now, my precious Rodya, I embrace you and send you a mother’s blessing till we meet. Love Dounia your sister, Rodya; love her as she loves you and understand that she loves you beyond everything, more than

herself. She is an angel and you, Rodya, you are everything to us—our one hope, our one consolation. If only you are happy, we shall be happy. Do you still say your prayers, Rodya, and believe in the mercy of our Creator and our Redeemer? I am afraid in my heart that you may have been visited by the new spirit of infidelity that is abroad to-day;

If it is so, I pray for you. Remember, dear boy, how in your childhood, when your father was living, you used to lisp your prayers at my knee, and how happy we all were in those days. Good-bye, till we meet then—I embrace you warmly, warmly, with many kisses. “Yours till death, “PULCHERIA RASKOLNIKOV.” Almost from the first, while he read the letter, Raskolnikov’s face was wet with tears; but when he finished it, his face was pale and distorted and a bitter, wrathful and malignant smile was on his lips.

He laid his head down on his threadbare dirty pillow and pondered, pondered a long time. His heart was beating violently, and his brain was in a turmoil. At last he felt cramped and stifled in the little yellow room that was like a cupboard or a box. His eyes and his mind craved for space. He took up his hat and went out, this time without dread of meeting anyone; he had forgotten his dread. He turned in the direction of the Vassilyevsky Ostrov, walking along Vassilyevsky Prospect, as though hastening on some business, but he walked, as his habit was, without noticing his way, muttering and even speaking aloud to himself, to the astonishment of the passers-by. Many of them took him to be drunk.