God Sees Us When We Ugly Cry

God Sees Us When We Ugly Cry TERESA SWANSTROM ANDERSON Lee en español “But those who trust in the LORD will find new strength. They will soar high on wings like eagles. They will run and not grow weary. They will walk and not faint.” Isaiah 40:31 (NLT) As I collapsed onto the cold kitchen floor, I began to cry — ugly cry. I was exhausted. In what felt like a blink of an eye, I went from a mom of two busy, towheaded toddlers to a mom of four. It had been a few months since a beautiful but malnourished 5-month-old and bighearted 7-year-old came from Ethiopia to join our family. But today, the reality washed over me. I was drowning. Lord, is this really what we’re supposed to be doing? You’ve got to give me more strength. I held tiny Imani tight to my chest, and my toddlers crawled onto my lap. A few feet away, Ezekiel stared at me with wide eyes, likely thinking that this lady had completely lost her mind. Then, as tears dropped from my eyes, the Lord whispered a single word to my heart: firstfruits. I was bewildered. Firstfruits, Lord? What does that have to do with me? In the Bible, firstfruits are offerings of the first and best crops to God. He didn’t want His people to give Him what was left over. God wanted the best of the best first. That’s when I realized I wasn’t giving Him my firstfruits of anything. Instead, He got the leftovers of my time, energy and heart. Sure, I was going to Bible study every week, but if I’m being honest, it was more for the coffee and childcare than my relationship with Him. I was in survival mode; everything I did was sporadic and hurried. Now, He beckoned me to put Him first. Above everything. But I couldn’t get up any earlier in the morning. Imani wasn’t even close to sleeping through the night, and I was literally falling asleep at stop signs. Gently, the Lord nudged me toward another part of my day: naptime. Would I spend the first moments of the kids’ naptime with Him? At first, I pushed back. But this is when I pick up the toys, wash the never-ending dishes, throw a load of laundry in. This is when I do all the things! Yet even in the midst of my exhaustion, I clung to this hope: God didn’t want me to live burned-out and overwhelmed. He wanted more for me and our relationship. So, even though it felt counterintuitive, I began to offer Him firstfruits. And you know what? I grew in my relationship with Him … and I still got everything done. More than everything, actually. We see this principle in today’s key verse, Isaiah 40:31, “But those who trust in the LORD will find new strength. They will soar high on wings like eagles. They will run and not grow weary. They will walk and not faint.” Moment by moment, Jesus gave me fresh strength and loved me back to life. I’m not saying I never lost my temper. I can’t promise I never again cried in exhaustion. But life became manageable. I took the joy God was offering. I held onto patience and kindness. I was more loving. Years later, after a teenage son and another baby daughter joined our family, the Lord asked me to give up my precious naptime moments to instead start waking up hours before my family. I’m not a morning person. I want to snuggle deeper into my covers when my alarm chimes. But each morning I make a conscious decision. What’s more important … my relationship with my pillow or with my Jesus? I’d rather pick Jesus every time. Lord Jesus, You see me when I ugly cry. You understand my exhaustion, my ache. Thank You for whispering that You’re there, and You’ve never left. Help me to learn to put You first. Above everything. Love me back to life, Lord. Because I want You … so much more of You. In Jesus’ Name, Amen.