소설 한옥례 무심천에 지는 달 -음식냄새

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한옥례 무심천에 지는 달 4장 음식냄새.hwp

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(4) 음식냄새

  시신은 수습이 불가능할 정도로 뭉개져서 대충 거적때기로 둘둘 말았다. 염을 하고 수의를 입힐 수 있는 상태가 아니었다.

  아무리 죽으면 썩어질 몸뚱이라지만 산 사람이 차마 눈 뜨고 보기 힘들었다. 썩기 시작한 사채에서 퀘퀘한 피 비린 냄새가 퍼져 나가고 어디에서 날아왔는지 엄지손가락만 한 왕 파리떼가 날아든다. 그렇게 크고 많은 파리는 처음 봤다. 검정콩을 한 바가지 사채 위에 뿌린 것 같다.

  장례를 치르고 3일도 채 안 돼서 초라하고 불쌍한 얼굴로 땟국이 뚝뚝 떨어지는 옷차림을 한 중년 여인이 찾아왔다.

  차를 운전한 가해자의 안 사람이라면서 얼마의 합의금을 신문지에 싸 들고 와서 무조건 살려 달라 애원했다. 미리 연습했는지 술술 거미 똥구멍에서 거미줄 나오듯 엉키지도 않고 줄줄이 잘도 나왔다.

  그 여자는 이럴 때일수록 냉정하게 생각하여야 한다며 죽은 사람은 어차피 죽었으니 산 사람은 쌍방 간에 살아야 하므로 모든 서운한 감정은 뒤로 하고 솔직히 말하자면 자기 남편도 재수가 없어서 난 사고이고 가해자나 피해자나 불시에 당한 사고는 사고일 뿐이다. 그러니 서로가 운명으로 현실을 받아들이자고 위로도 되고, 협박도 되는 말을 변호사 뺨치게 정말 말을 잘했다.

  자기 남편이 노부모까지 모시고 하루 벌어서 하루 먹고 사는데 이번 사고로 부모님이 지레 돌아가시게 생겼다며 합의 못 하고 재판을 받게 되면 사람이 죽었으므로 빨라야 3년 늦으면 5년 동안 감옥에 있어야 하는데 내일까지 합의서를 제출하지 못하면 경찰서에서 법원으로 넘어간다.

  그렇게 되면 이 합의금으로 자신이 아이들과 부모님 모시고 살아야 하고, 이 돈을 받고 합의해주면 남편이 빨리 나와서 일을 해서 돈을 벌어 살 수 있으니 무례 한 줄 알지만, 결정의 시간은 오늘 하루라고 했다.

  순덕은 이 여인에 대해서 아무것도 아는 것이 없다. 그러나 이 연인은 순덕이의 지난 사생활까지 집안 사정 모두를 속속들이 염탐하고 이집 숟가락이 몇 개인지 알고 온 모양이었다.

  어르고 달래고 반은 협박, 반 애원으로 돈은 부족 한 줄 알지만 구할 수 있는 수단 모두 동원해서 가진 것이 전부라는 것이다.

  몸도 마음도 지치고 남편이 사고를 냈을 때 물에 빠진 사람 지푸라기라도 잡고 싶던 지난날 일도 생각나서 무엇보다 오늘이 지나면 그 돈도 줄 수 없다고 말하는 처지가 같은 여자로서 눈앞의 여인이 안쓰러웠다. 그래서 그 돈이라도 받고 합의서에 도장을 찍었다.

  그런데 모르면 약이고 알면 병이라 했다.

  나중에 알고 보니 지역에서 돈푼이나 있는 건설회사 사장이었고 전 재산이라고 주고 간 돈은 그 사람 하룻저녁 술값 정도밖에 되지 않았다 노부모가 계신다는 것도 거짓이었다. 그러니까 그 여자가 합의하기 위하여 한 모든 행동과 말은 숨소리 빼고는 새빨간 거짓이고 연극이었다. 어리석은 자신이 미워지기 시작했다. 세상이 원망스러웠다.

  남편이 사고를 냈을 때도 남편이 사고를 당했을 때도 일어났던 일들을 생각하며 하나 같이 일 처리를 바보같이 했는지 모르겠다. 세상 사람 모두가 총칼만 안 들었지 사기꾼 도둑년 놈 같았다. 이제는 사람들 모두가 무서웠다.

  어떤 방법으로 죽을까 하고 구체적으로 생각했다. 삼 남매와 함께 죽을까 혼자 죽을까도 생각했다. 어린아이들도 배가 고파도 배가 고프다고 보채지도 않는다. 기가 죽어 어미가 무슨 생각을 하고 있는지도 모르고 눈치만 보고 있다. 어린 것이 무슨 죄가 있을까 독약을 먹여도 의심 없이 믿고 먹을 것을 생각하니 정신이 번쩍 들었다.

  이제는 안 죽을 핑계를 찾기 시작했다. 자살의 반대는 살자 다.

  죽고 싶다는 생각은 다른 말로 멋지게 살고 싶다는 간절한 소망이다. 부정에 부정은 긍정이므로 나는 간절히 멋지게 살고 싶다. 어찌하면 산 입에 거미줄 칠까 이제는 더 이상 잃을 것도 더 이상 망신당할 일도 없다.

  열심히 살아서 원수도 갚고, 은혜도 갚자. 세상의 모든 길은 로마와 통한다지만 로마보다 죽음이 더 가까이 연결된 것 같다. 빨리 가든 돌아가든 지름길이든 세상에 모든 길은 죽음으로 연결되어 있고 누구는 조금 빠르게 누구는 조금 느리게 가는 것뿐이다.

 어차피 죽을 때 되면 죽을 것이니 죽기 전에 세상을 향하여 욕도 하고, 주먹질도 하고 무엇을 하든 이제는 남의 눈치 안 보고 내 마음대로 살아보자. 이런저런 생각을 하던 순덕이네는 심한 시장기를 느꼈다. 배가 몹시 고팠다.

  먹어야 살겠다.

  그 여인이 주고 간 돈을 들고 오랜만에 시장에 나갔다. 우선 옷을 샀다. 옷 잘 입은 거지는 잘 얻어먹는다고 했다. 다음에는 먹을 것을 샀다. 분주하게 오고가는 사람들 사이에서 물건을 고르고 사는 동안 안 죽기를 잘했다고 생각했다. 사람 냄새가 나는 시장이 좋았다.

  집으로 돌아와 밥도 하고 아이들이 좋아하는 불고기도 하고 밥 냄새, 불고기 냄새, 참기름 양념 냄새 아이들은 오랜만에 생기가 돌고 제비 새끼처럼 입을 벌리며 음식을 먹는 모습에 모처럼 순덕은 행복감과 책임감을 동시에 느낀다. 내가 어떠한 일이 있어도 이 세상에서 너희들은 지키리라.

  그러나 무엇을 어찌해서 먹고살고 공부를 시킬 것인가. 그저 막연하고 막막하여 답답하다.

  “먹는장사를 하자 먹는장사를 하면 굶어 죽지는 않을 것이다. 사람이 굶어 죽어도 그 집에 문상 가서 부엌 먼저 본다.” 생각하다 제일 먼저 생각 난 것이 ‘생선’ 장사였다. 그러나 고개를 저었다 냄새가 싫었다.

  ‘먹기도 싫고 보기도 싫고, 냄새가 싫은데 장사를 못하지  않는가.’ 생선 장사 말고 다른 장사를 천천히 생각했다. 참으로 장사의 종류가 많았다. 그렇게 장사가 수천 가지인지 예전에는 알지 못했다. 찐빵이나 만두 밥장사는 요리에 자신이 없다.

  물장사를 하면 돈을 많이 번다던데 남자들의 비위를 맞출 자신이 없다. 더욱이 혼자 사는 여자는 익은 음식과도 같아서 너도나도 먼저 먹는 놈이 임자라고 껄떡거리고 먹자고 달려들면 감당이 안 될 것 같다.

  하루, 저녁에 기와집을 지었다가 부수고를 며칠, 끝이 나질 않았다. 무조건 나가서 찾아보기로 했다.

 건축업자가 무심천을 건너 모충동에 똑같은 연립 주택을 지어서 판 동네 입구에 정상적인 가격의 절반인 집이 하나 나왔다.

  그 집을 개조해서 작은 구멍가게를 하기로 했다. 아이들 셋을 키우면서 할 수 있는 일은 나름대로 그것이 적절하다고 생각했다. 지금 사는 집 보증금과 보상금을 받은 돈을 합치면 살 수 있었다. 계약금을 내고 그곳으로 이사하기로 했다.

  이사를 며칠 앞두고 형님이 뜬금없이 찾아왔다. 이런저런 일을 치르면서도 서로 간에 도움을 주고받는 사이는 아니었다.

 형님은 아주 진지하게 말했다.

  “그 집 작은아들이 사업에 실패해서 빚쟁이에게 시달리다가  집을 팔아 달라고 해도 부모님이 안 팔아 준다고 헛간에서 목을 매 자살한 흉가라네 이 사람아, 아는 사람은  집을 사지 않아서 시세보다 절반 값이야, 계약금을 포기하고라도 그곳으로 이사하지 말게 나, 세상에 안 좋은 일은 맞는 법이네!”라며 소문 듣고 놀라서 왔노라고 신신당부하고 갔다.

  순덕은 형님이 고맙기도 하고 야속하기도 했다. 이 돈 가지고 그 집이 아니면 어림도 없다. 세상에 사람 안 죽은 집이 어디 있나. 아무것도 모르고 그냥 가면 좋으련만 공연히 와서 말해 주는 바람에 마음이 찝찝하다.

(4) The Smell of Food

The dead body was crushed to the extent that it was almost impossible to take care, and they roughly wrapped the body with a rice bale. It was not in a state that we could dye a corpse and put on a shroud.

Man is to be corrupted after the death, but it was hard to see for the living persons. A stinky smell of blood spread from the decaying corpse. A swarm of king flies of a thumb size flew in from somewhere. I've never seen so many large flies in my life. It looked like a bucketful of black beans were poured on the corpse.

Even before three days after the funeral, a middle-aged woman with a poor and pitiful face, and clad with the extremely dirty clothes visited her.

She said that she is the wife of the driver who ran over Soonduk's husband. She brought some amount of money wrapped in newspaper for the settlement of the accident and pleaded to be pardoned unconditionally. Whether she practiced the words beforehand or not but her speech was with no hesitation like a spider's web coming out of a spider's butthole, without getting tangled.

The woman said that we should think more calmly at times like this situation. The dead person is already gone anyway, but both of us live persons who must live, and let's hide all the sad feelings behind of us. To be honest, it was an accident because her husband was unlucky, and the perpetrator or victim was involved in an unpredicted accident. It's just an accident. Therefore let's take this reality as our fate, like this she was so eloquent no less than a lawyer which can be either comfort or threat.

The woman said that her husband takes care of his elderly parents and must earn a living every day, but if they can't reach an agreement and go to trial because of this accident, he will have to be in prison for 3 to 5 years. If he can't submit the agreement to the police station, this case will be transferred from police to the court.

If that happens, she continued, she will have to live with her children and her parents with this settlement money, and if Soonduk agrees to receive this money, her husband would come out from the police and he will be able to work to make money. She knows it's rude to request like this, but the time to decide is only today.

Soonduk knew nothing about this woman. However, this woman seemed to have spied on Soonduk's inside and out all the circumstances of her past private life and even how many spoons were in her house.

She said by means of half threatening and half pleading, although she knew that the amount of money was insufficient, she said that she mobilized all available means and the amount she has was all she could manage.

Soonduk felt pitty for the woman in front of her as a woman who faced same situation who said that she would not be able to give the money if today is over. So she received the money and stamped the seal on the agreement remembering her past experience in light of a proverb that goes; 'A man drowning will catch at the straw.'

There's an another proverb says;

'If you don't know, it can a be medicine, and if you know, it can be a disease.'

Soonduk later found out that the driver was the president of a construction company with a lot of money in that area, and the money she gave saying that it was her entire property was only about the amount of a drink for one night. It was also not true that they had an elderly parent. Everything she did and said to reach an agreement was but a blatant lie and a play except the sound of her breathing. Soonduk thought that she was stupid and she started to hate herself. The world was resentful.

Even when her husband had a traffic accident, she didn't know why she acted like a fool remembering about what happened. All the people in the world were like swindlers and thief women only without guns and knives. She scared all the persons now.

She studied about how she could die in detail. She thought about dying with her three children or herself alone. Her young children didn't complain even when they were hungry. They were in despair and didn't know what their mother was thinking only looking cautiously at her. She thought the young children didn't commit any crime! She thought that even if she gives the poison to them, they will take it believing their mom without doubt. Thinking of this, she was awake suddenly.

And then she started looking for an excuse not to die. The opposite meaning of suicide is to live. The thought of wishing to die means, in other words, a desperate desire to live a wonderful life. Because two negatives makes an affirmative. Therefore she sincerely wanted to live a wonderful life. God never sends a mounth but he feeds it. Now there is nothing more to lose and nothing more to be embarrassed about.

She thought that she will live diligently to pay back enemies and repay the persons' kindness. All roads in the world lead to Rome, but death seems to be more closely connected than Rome. Whether you go fast or go a long way round or take a shortcut, all roads in the world lead to death, and the difference is some go a little earlier and some go a little later.

When time to die comes, anyway we'll die, so before we die, curse at the world, punch someone, whatever we do, let's do not care about others' eyes and live as we please. While thinking this and that as above, Soonduk family felt a strong desire to eat something. They were very hungry.

She had to eat in order to live.

She took the money that the woman paid her, went to the market street after a long time. At first, she bought her own clothes. They say that the well-dressed beggars can get much. Then she bought something to eat. She thought it was better for her not to die while she was choosing and buying things among the busy crowds. She liked the market street where she could smell the people.

Returning home, she cooked food and the children's favorite Korean BBQ 'bulgogi'. Soonduk felt happiness and responsibility as well seeing the happy children at the smell of cooking rice, that of 'bulgogi', and that of sesame oil seasoning and other spices, and to see the children were delighted to eat food with their mouths open like swallows after a long time. Soonduk made up her mind to keep them well in this society no matter what she should face.

But what and how she would do to make a living and educate them? She has no clear solution and frustrated.

Soonduk determined to do a food business. If she runs this business, she thought, at least she won't starve to death. Even if a person dies of starvation, people go to the house for condolence, they look at the kitchen first. The first thing that came to her mind was the ‘fish’ business. However, she shook her head as she hated its smell.

She hated either to eat or to see the fish. She hated the smell and how can she do this fish business. She slowly thought of another business besides fish. Indeed, there were many types of business. Before, she didn't know there were thousands of businesses. She has no confidence in cdooking steamed buns or dumplings.

They say that one can make a lot of money if one runs so-called water related business. But she doesn't have confidence to make men pleasant. Moreover, a single lady who lives alone is regarded something like a cooked food, and men think that this lady is anyone's lady whoever conquers her first. Therefore she would not be able to handle such wolves.

Even during one night, she built a luxury tile-roofed house and demolished it repeatedly for several days, but she couldn't decide it. Anyway she decided to go out and look for it.

There was a house to be sold at half the normal price at the entrance of Mochung-dong village. A builder built and sold at across Musimcheon Stream which was identical homes in a row as Mochungdong village.

She decided to remodel the house to open a small store. She thought it would be appropriate for her to do while raising her three children.

She was able to buy it by adding the deposit for the house where she lives now and the money she received as compensation. She decided to pay the down payment and to move in there.

A few days before her moving, her elder sister-in-law visited her all of a sudden. Even though she had experienced various mishaps, they gave no help each other.

Her elder sister-in-law said very seriously.

'You see, this house is a haunted house. The younger son of that family was suffering from creditors after his business failed, and his parents refused to sell the house although the son pleaded to sell it. Finally the son hanged himself in the barn. Knowing this fact, nobody wanted to buy it and so it is half the market price. Therefore even though you give up the contract money, don’t move in there. Bad things happen to be realized in the world. I got a rumor that you are going to buy it and I came to meet you.' She earnestly emphasized it to Soonduk and went away.

Soonduk was grateful to her elder sister-in-law in the one hand and felt coldhearted on the other hand. With this small amount of money, no one can expect to buy that house. Is there any house in the world where no one has died? It would have been better not to know anything. She felt uncomfortable to hear about it from her.