|
Notting Hill
[Scene 1]
William Of course, I've seen her films and always thought she was, well, fabulous
but, you know, million, million miles from the world I live in…which is here, Notting Hill, my favorite bit of London.
There’s the market on weekends selling every fruit and vegetable known to man…
The tattoo parlor -- with a guy outside who got drunk and now can't remember why he chose 'I Love Ken'...
The radical hair-dressers where everyone comes out looking like the Cookie Monster, whether they want to or not.
And then suddenly it's the weekend, and from break of day, hundreds of stalls appear out of nowhere,
filling Portobello Road right up to Notting Hill Gate...
And where ever you look thousands of people are buying millions of antiques, some genuine... and some… not quite so genuine.
And what's great is that lots of friends have ended up in this part of London.
That's Tony, for example, architect turned chef, who recently invested all the money he ever earned in a new restaurant..
So this is where I spend my days and years -- in this small village in the middle of a city --
in a house with a blue door that my wife and I bought together... before she left me for a man who looked exactly like Harrison Ford.
And where I now lead a strange half-life with a lodger called...
William Spike!
Spike Hi. And you couldn't help me with an incredibly important decision, could you?
William Is this important in comparison to, let's say, whether they should cancel third world debt?
Spike That's right -- I'm at last going out on a date with the great Janine and I just want to be sure I've picked the right T-shirt.
William What are the choices?
Spike Well, wait for it. First there's this one. Cool, huh?
William Yeah, it might make it hard to strike a really romantic note.
Spike Point taken. Don’t despair. If it’s romance we’re looking for, I believe I have just the thing.
William Yeah, well, there again, she might not think you had true love on your mind.
Spike Right. Just one more. True love here I come.
William Well, yeah. Yeah, that's… that’s, um, perfect.
Spike Great. Thanks. Wish me luck.
William Good luck.
[Scene 2]
William And so it was just another hopeless Wednesday, as I walked the thousand yards through the market to work,
never suspecting that this was the day that was gonna change my life forever.
This is work, by the way, my little travel book shop.
William Morning, Martin.
Martin Morning, Monsignor.
William … which, um, well, sells travel books, and to be frank with you, doesn’t always sell many of those.
William Classic. Profit from major sales push -- minus 347 pound.
Martin Shall I go and get a cappuccino? You know, ease the pain a bit.
William Yeah, yeah. Better make it a half. All I can afford.
Martin I get your logic. Demi-capu coming up.
William Urn, can I help you at all?
Anna No, thanks. I'll just look around.
William Fine. That book's really not great – just in case, you know, browsing turned to buying. You'd be wasting your money.
But if it’s Turkey you’re interested in, um, this one, on the other hand, is very good.
Um, I think the man who wrote it has actually been to Turkey, which helps.
There’s also a very amusing incident with a kebab, um, which is one of many amusing incidents.
Anna Thanks. I'll think about it.
William Or, in the bigger hardback variety… I’m sorry. Can you just give me a second? Excuse me.
Thief Yes.
William Bad news.
Thief What?
William We've got a security camera in this bit of the shop.
Thief So?
William So, I saw you put that book down your trousers.
Thief What book?
William The one down your trousers.
Thief I don’t have a book down my trousers.
William Right. I tell you what. Um, I’ll call the police, and, um what can I say?
If I’m wrong about the whole “book-down-the-trousers” scenario, I really apologize
Thief Okay -- what if I did have a book down my trousers?
William Well, ideally, when I went back to the desk, you'd remove the Cadogan guide to Bali from your trousers,
and either wipe it and put it back, or buy it. I’ll see you in a sec.
William I’m sorry about that.
Anna No, it’s fine. I was going to steal one, but now I've changed my mind. Oh! Signed by the author, I see.
William Um, yeah, we couldn't stop him. If you can find an unsigned one, it's worth an absolute fortune. She smiles.
Suddenly the thief is there.
Thief Excuse me.
Anna Yes.
Thief Can I have your autograph?
Anna Oh, sure. What's your name?
Thief Rufus. What does it say?
Anna Well, that's the signature – and above, it says 'Dear Rufus – you belong in jail.'
Thief Good one. Do you want my phone number?
Anna Tempting but... no, thank you. I will take this one.
William Oh -- right -- on second thoughts maybe it’s not bad after all.
Actually -- it's a sort of classic really. None of those childish kebab stories you find in so many travel books these days.
And I tell you what. I'll throw in one of these for free. Very useful for lighting fires, wrapping fish, that sort of things.
Anna Thanks.
William Pleasure.
Martin Cappuccino as ordered.
William Thanks. I don't think you'll believe who was just in here.
Martin Who? Was it someone famous?
William No. No-one -- no-one.
Martin Would be exciting, though wouldn’t it, if someone famous came into the shop?
Do you know – and this is pretty amazing actually – but, I once saw Ringo Starr.
William Where was that?
Martin Kensington High Street. At least I think it was Ringo.
It might have been that man from ‘Fiddler On The Roof’, you know, Toppy.
William Topol.
Martin That's right -- Topol.
William Actually Ringo Starr doesn't look at all like, uh, Topol.
Martin Yeah, but he was… he was quite a long way away from me.
William So actually it could’ve been neither of them?
Martin Yeah. I suppose so, yes.
William It's not a classic anecdotes, is it?
Martin Not classic, no.
William Another one?
Martin Yes. No, wait -- let's go crazy -- I'll have an orange juice.
[Scene 3]
Anna Oh, my God!
William Bugger! I’m sorry, I’m so sorry. Here, let me….
Anna Get your hands off!
William I’m really sorry. I… I live just over the street. I have, um, water and soap. You can get cleaned up.
Anna No thank you. I need to get my car back.
William I also have a phone. I'm confident that in five minutes we can have you spick and span and back on the street again...
in the non-prostitute sense obviously.
Anna All right. Well… what do you mean, ‘just over the street’? Give it to me in yards.
William Eighteen yards. That's my house there with the blue front door.
William Come on in. I'll just... I’ll just… Um, right, Right. Come in.
It’s, um, not quite as tidy as it normally is, I fear. But, um…
The bathroom is on the top floor. And the telephone’s just… just up here. Here. Let… let me, um… um, round the corner.
Straight on… straight on up. Bugger.
William Would you like a cup of tea before you go?
Anna No.
William Coffee?
Anna No.
William Orange juice -- probably not. Something else cold -- coke, water,
some disgusting sugary drink pretending to have something to do with fruits of the forest?
Anna No.
William Would you like something to eat? Uh, something to nibble?
Um, --apricots soaked in honey? Quite why, no one knows --
because it stops them tasting of apricots, and makes them taste like honey, and if you wanted honey, ]
you'd just buy honey, instead of, but nevertheless -- there we go – They are yours if you want them.
Anna No.
William Do you always say 'no' to everything?
Anna No. I’d better be going. Thanks for your help.
William You're welcome and, may I also say…um...heavenly. I’ll just take my one chance to say it.
After you've read that terrible book, you're certainly not going to be coming back to the shop.
Anna Thank you.
William Yes. Well. My pleasure.
William So, it was nice to meet you. Surreal but, um… but nice. Sorry. 'Surreal but nice.' What was I thinking?
Anna Hi!
William Hi.
Anna I forgot my another bag.
William Oh, right. Right.
Anna Thanks.
William I’m very sorry about the 'surreal but nice' comment. Disaster...
Anna That’s okay. I thought the apricot and honey thing was the real lowpoint.
William Oh my God. My flatmate. I'm sorry -- there's no excuse for him.
Spike Hi.
Anna Hi.
William Hi.
Spike I'm just going into the kitchen to get some food -- and then I'm going to tell you a story that will make your balls shrink
to the size of raisins.
Anna Probably best not to tell anyone about this.
William Right. Right. No one. I mean, I'll tell myself sometimes but... don't worry I won't believe it.
Anna Bye.
Spike There's something wrong with this yogurt.
William It's not yogurt -- it's mayonnaise.
Spike Oh, right. There we are then. On for a video fest tonight? I've got some absolute classic.
[Scene 4]
Actor (ON TV) Smile.
Anna (ON TV) No.
Actor (ON TV) Smile.
Anna (ON TV) I've got nothing to smile about.
Actor (ON TV) Okay in about 7 seconds, I'm going to ask you to marry me.
Spike Imagine -- somewhere in the world there's a man who's allowed to kiss her.
William Yes, she is fairly fabulous.
[Scene 5]
Customer Do you have any books by Dickens?
William No, no, I’m afraid we're a travel bookshop. We only sell travel books.
Customer Oh right. How about that new John Grisham thriller?
William No, no, ‘cause that's a novel too, isn’t it?
Customer Oh right. Have you got 'Winnie the Pooh'?
William Martin -- your customer.
Martin Urn, can I help you?
[Scene 6]
Spike Hey.
William Hi... Just incidentally -- why are you wearing that?
Spike Combination of factors really. Uh, no clean clothes...
William There never will be, you know, unless you actually clean your clothes.
Spike Right. Vicious circle. And then I was like rooting around in your things, and found this, and I thought -- cool. Kinda….spacy.
[Scene 7]
Spike There's something wrong with the goggles though...
William No, they were prescription.
Spike Groovy.
William So I could see all the fishes properly.
Spike You should do more of this stuff.
William So, look, any messages today?
Spike Yeh, I wrote a couple down.
William So there were two. There were two messages? Right?
Spike You want me to write down all your messages?
William Who were the ones you didn't write down from?
Spike No. Gone completely. Oh no. There was -- one from your mum: she said don't forget lunch and her leg's hurting again.
William No one else?
Spike Absolutely no one else.
Though if we're going for this obsessive writing-down-all-messages thing --some American girl called Anna called a few days ago.
William What did she say?
Spike Well, it was genuinely bizarre...she said, "Hi. it's Anna."then she said,
"Callme at the Ritz"--and then gaveherself acompletelydifferent name.
William Which one?
Spike Absolutely no idea. Remembering one name's harad enough...
William No, I… I know that. She… She said that. Um. I know she's using another name.
The problem is she left the message with my flatmate, which was a very serious mistake. Um, I don’t know. Imagine,
if you will, the stupidest person you’ve ever met. Are you doing that?
Ritz Man Yes, sir. I have him in my mind.
William And now double it -- and that is the -- what can I say – the git I'm living with and he can’t remember...
Spike Try 'Flintstone.'
William Sorry. What?
Spike I think she said her name was 'Flintstone.'
William I don’t… I don’t suppose, um, 'Flintstone' rings any bells, does it?
Ritz Man I'll put you right through, sir.
William Oh my God. Hello. Hi. Hi, there. Oh hi. Sorry. It's William Thacker. Um, we… I work in a bookshop.
William Oh, no, I promise you I've never played anything cool in my entire life.
My flatmate, who I'll stab to death later, never gave me the message….
I don’t know perhaps, um, I could drop round for tea later or something? Right. Great. Bye. Classic, classic.
[Scene 8]
William Which floor?
Reporter Three. Please.
William Are you sure you this is...?
Reporter Oh, yeah. Yeah. Sure.
Karen Hi, Hi. I’m Karen.
William Hi.
Karen I’m sorry -- things are running a little bit late. Here's the, uh, thing.
Do you wanna come this way? Through here.
Karen So what did you think of the film?
Reporter Yeah, I thought it was fantastic. I thought it was, uh, 'Close Encounters' meets 'Jean De Florette.'
William I agree.
Karen I'm sorry. I didn't get down what magazines you're from.
Reporter 'Time Out.'
Karen Great. And you are from?
William 'Horse and Hound.' The name's William Whacker. I think, she might be expecting me.
Karen Okay -- take a seat and I'll go and check.
Reporter I see you’ve, uh… I see you’ve brought her some flowers?
William No -- they're... for my grandmother. She's in a hospital just down the road. Thought I'd kill two birds with one stone, you know.
Reporter Sure, right. Absolutely. Yeah. Yeah. Which hospital’s that?
William Do you mind me not saying -- it's a rather distressing disease. Name of the hospital kind of gives it away.
Reporter Absolutely. Sure. Cheers.
Karen Right, uh, Mr. Thacker. Will you come this way.
William Right.
Karen You've got five minutes.
William Hi.
Anna Hello.
William Uh, I brought these, but clearly...
Anna No, they’re great. They’re great.
William Ah, listen, I’m sorry about not ringing back. The whole two-names concept was totally too much for my flatmate's pea-sized intellect.
Anna No, it's a stupid privacy thing. I always pick a cartoon character -- last time, I was Mrs. Bambi.
Man Everything all right?
Anna Yes, thank you.
Man And you are from 'Horse and Hound' ?
William Yeah.
Man Good
Anna Is that so? Well.
William So I'll just fire away, shall I?
Right. Ahm... the film's great... and I just wondered -- whether you ever thought of having more...horses in it?
Anna Ahm -- well -- we would have liked to -- but it was difficult, obviously, being set in space.
William Space, right, yeah. Yeah. Obviously very difficult.
I'm sorry -- I arrived outside – they thrust this thing into my hand … I didn’t know what to do.
Anna No, it's my fault, I thought this would all be over by now.
I just wanted to sort of apologize for the kissing thing. I seriously don't know what came over me.
I just wanted to make sure you that you were find about it.
William Yeah, yeah, yeah. Absolutely fine.
Man Do remember that Miss Scott is also keen to talk about her next project, which is shooting later in the summer.
William Oh yes -- excellent. Excellent. Any horses in that one? Or hounds for that matter.
Our readers are equally intrigued by both species.
Anna It takes place on a submarine.
William Yes. Right... But, um, if there were horses in it, would you be riding them or would you be getting a stunt horse double man thing?
I'm just a complete moron. I apologize. I… This is very weird. It’s the sort of thing that happens in dreams -- not in real life.
I mean, good dreams. It's a dream, in fact, uh, to see you again.
Anna And what happens next in the dream?
William I suppose in the dream, dream scenario. I just... uh, change my personality, because you can do that in dreams,
and walk over and kiss the girl. But…
Man Time's up, I'm afraid. Did you get what you wanted?
William Um, nearly, nearly.
Man Well, maybe just one last question?
Anna Sure.
William Right. Right. Are you busy tonight?
Anna Yes.
William Right, right.
Man Come in.
Anna Well, it was nice to meet you.
William Yes, and you.
Anna Surreal but nice.
William Thank you. You are 'Horse and Hound's' favorite actress. You and Black Beauty tied.
Reporter How was she?
William On, um fabulous
Reporter Excellent. Wait a minute -- she took your grandmother's flowers?
William Yes. That's right. Bitch.
Karen Oh. Mr. Thacker, if you'd like to come with me we can rush you through the others.
William The others?
Karen Mr. Thacker's from 'Horse and Hound.'
Actor How’s it going.
William Very well, thank you..
Actor Have a seat. Well, did you enjoy the film?
William Yes, enormously.
Actor Well, fire away.
William Right, did you enjoy making the film?
Actor Yes, I did.
William Good. Any bit in particular?
Actor You tell me what bit you enjoyed most -- and I'll tell you if I enjoyed making that bit.
William I liked the bit in space very much.
William Did you identify with the character you’re playing?
Interpreter Te identicaste con el personaje que interpretabas?
Foreign Actor : No.
Interpreter No.
William Ah. Why not?
Interpreter Por que no?
Foreign Actor : Porque es un robot carnivoro psicopata.
Interpreter Because he is playing a psychopathic flesh-eating robot.
William Classic.
William Is this your first film?
Girl No -- it's my 22nd.
William Of course it is. Any favorite among the 22?
Girl Working with Leonardo.
William Da Vinci?
Girl Di Caprio.
William Of course. And is he your favorite Italian film director?
Karen Mr. Thacker?
William Oh, no.
Karen Have you got a minute?
William No.
Anna Hi.
William Hi.
Anna Um… yeah, so the, um… the… the thing I was doing tonight -- I'm not doing it anymore.
I told them I had to spend the evening with Britain's premier equestrian journalist.
William Oh well, great. Fantastic. That’s, uh… Oh, Shittity brickitty.
It's my sister's birthday -- shit -- we're meant to be having dinner.
Anna Okay -- fine.
William But no, I'm sure I can get out of it.
Anna No, I mean, if it's fine with you, I'll be your date.
William You'll be my date at my little sister's birthday party?
Anna If it's all right.
William Well, yeah, I'm sure it's all right. My friend Max is cooking and he's generally acknowledged to be the worst cook in the world.
But you know, you could hide the food in your handbag or something.
Anna Okay.
William Okay.
[Scene 9]
Max He's bringing a girl?
Bella Miracles do happen.
Max Does the girl have a name?
Bella Don’t know. Wouldn’t say.
Max Oh Christ, what is going on in there? Oh God. Hi, come on in. Vague food crisis.
Bella Hiya -- sorry -- the guinea fowl is proving more complicated than expected.
William He's cooking guinea fowl?
Bella Don't even ask.
Anna Hi.
Bella Hi. Good Lord -- you're the spitting image of...
William Bella -- this is Anna.
Bella Right.
Max Okay. Crisis over.
William Max. This is Anna.
Max Hello, Anna ahm.. Scott -- have some wine.
Anna Thank you.
Max I’ll get it.
William Red or White.
Max Hi. Yes, Happy Birthday. Look, your brother has brought this girl.
Honey Hi guys. Oh holy fuck.
William Hun -- this is Anna. Anna -- this is Honey -- she's my baby sister.
Anna Oh, hi.
Honey Oh God this is one of those key moments in life, when it's possible you can be really, genuinely cool --
and I'm going to faint a hundred percent. I absolutely and totally and utterly adore you
and I just think you're the most beautiful woman in the world and more importantly I genuinely believe
and I’ve believed for some time now that we could be best friends. So what do you think?
Anna Uh, lucky me. Well, happy birthday.
Honey Oh. You gave me a present. We're best friends already then. Marry Will-- he's a really nice guy. Then we can be sisters.
Anna I'll think about it.
Max That'll be Bernie. Hi
Bernie Hi. I'm sorry I'm so late. Bollocksed up at work again, I fear. Millions down the drain.
Max Well done. Bernie -- this is Anna.
Bernie Hello, Anna. Delighted to meet you.
Anna And you.
Bernie Honey Bunny -- happy birthday to you. Hi, Bella.
Bella Hi.
Bernie Um, It's a hat. You don't have to wear it or anything. Hi, Will.
William Hi, hi, hi.
Max You haven't slept with her, have you?
William That is a cheap question and the answer is, of course, no comment.
Max 'No comment' means 'yes.'
William No, it doesn't.
Max Do you ever masturbate?
William Definitely no comment.
Max You see -- it means 'yes.'
Bernie So tell me Anna -- what do you do?
Anna I'm an actress.
Bernie Splendid.
Anna What do you do?
Bernie I'm actually in the stock market, so not really similar fields, though, um..um, I have done the odd bit of amateur stuff…um..uh,
PG. Wodehouse. Farce, all that, you know. ‘Careful there, vicar.’ Always imagined it's a pretty tough job, though, acting.
I mean the wages are a scandal, aren't they?
Anna They can be.
Bernie I see friends from university -- clever chaps -- been in the business longer than you --
they're scraping by on seven, eight thousand a year. You know, it's no life. What sort of acting do you do?
Anna Films mainly.
Bernie Oh splendid. Well done. How's the pay in movies? I mean, last film you did, what did you get paid?
Anna Fifteen million dollars.
Bernie Right. Right. So that's... fairly good.
Max Right -- I think we're ready.
Anna Bella, can you tell me where I can find…
Bella Oh, sorry. It's just down the corridor on the right.
Honey I'll show you. I’ll show you,
Bella Quickly, quickly -- talk very quickly what are you doing here with Anna Scott?
Bernie Anna Scott?
Bella Yes. Shut up!
Bernie What, the film star?
Bella Shh.
Bernie Oh God. Oh God. Oh Goddy God.
Honey I don't believe it. I actually walked into the loo with her.
I was still chatting when she started unbuttoning her jeans... She had to ask me to leave.
Bernie So you know who she was?
Honey Of course I did, but he didn’t.
Bernie Well, not instantly, but I..I…I got away with it.
Bella What do you think of the guinea fowl?
Anna I'm a vegetarian.
Bella Oh God.
Max So, how’s the guinea-fowl?
Anna Best guinea-fowl I’ve ever tasted.
Max Having you here, Anna, firmly establishes what I've long suspected, that we really are the most desperate lot of under-achievers.
Bernie Shame!
Max I'm not saying it's a bad thing, in fact, I think it's something we should take pride in.
I'm going to give the last brownie as a prize to the saddest act here.
William Ber.
Bernie Yeah, all right. Well, obviously it's me, isn't it – I mean, I work in the City in a job I don't understand
and everyone keeps getting promoted above me. I haven't had a girlfriends since...well, since puberty.
And nobody fancies me, and if these cheeks get any chubbier, they never will.
Honey Nonsense. I fancy you.
Bernie Really?
Honey Yeah, Or I did before you got so fat.
Max You see -- and unless I'm much mistaken, your job still pays you rather a lot of money,
whilst Honey here earns 20 pence a week… flogging her guts out in London’s worst record store.
Honey Yes. And I haven’t got hair -- I've got feathers, and I've got funny goggly eyes,
and I'm attracted to cruel men and ... no one will marry me because, um, my boosies have actually started shrinking.
Max You see – it’s incredibly sad.
Bella But on the other hand, her best friend is Anna Scott.
Honey That's true, I can't deny it. She needs me, what can I say?
Bella And most of her limbs work. Whereas I'm stuck in this thing day and night, in a house full of ramps.
And to add insult to serious injury -- I've totally given up smoking, my favorite thing, and the truth is... we can't have a baby.
William Oh, Belle.
Bella C'est la vie... Still we're lucky in lots of ways, but... surely that's worth a brownie.
Max Well, I don't know. Look at William. Very unsuccessful professionally.
Bella That’s true.
Max Divorced. Used to be handsome, now kind of squidgy around the edges --
and absolutely certain never to hear from Anna again once she's heard that his nickname at school was….
Bernie Floppy..
William You did. I can’t believe it, you did. Thanks very much. Thank you. Well, at least I get the last brownie.
Max I think so, yes.
Anna Well, wait. What about me?
Max I'm sorry? You think you deserve the brownie?
Anna Well... a shot at it at least, huh?
William You'll have to prove it. This is a very, very good brownie. I’m gonna fight for it.
Anna Well, I've been on a diet since I was nineteen, which means basically I've been hungry for a decade.
I've had a series of not nice boyfriends – one of whom hit me: and every time I get my heart broken,
the newspapers splashed it about as though it’s entertainment.
And… it’s taken two rather painful, um, operations.. to get me looking like this.
Honey Really?
Anna Really -- and one day, not long from now, my looks will go, they will discover I can't act and I'll become some sad,
middle-aged woman who looks a bit like someone who was famous for a while.
Max No. Nice try, gorgeous -- but you don't fool anyone.
William Pathetic effort to hog the brownie.
Anna Thank you for such a terrific time.
Max I'm delighted.
Anna That’s a great tie..
Max Now you're lying.
Anna Okay, it’s true. I told you I was bad at acting.
Anna It was lovely to meet you.
Bella Yeah, and you. I'll wait until you've gone before I tell him you're a vegetarian.
Max No!
Anna Good night.
Honey I'm so sorry about the loo thing. I meant to leave but I just... ring me if you want someone to go shopping with.
I know lots of nice, cheap places... not that money necessarily... It was just so nice to meet you.
Anna Happy Birthday. You’re my style guru.
Honey Thank you. Sorry. Can I just… Thanks.
William Leave her.
Anna Good night, everyone.
William Max, Belle, we’ll see you in a couple of days.
Max Thank you, everybody. Call us.
William Buy, guys.
Bernie Love your work.
William Bye, hon.
[Scene 10]
William Sorry -- they always do that when I leave the house. It’s a stupid thing. I hate it.
Anna Floppy, huh?
William It's the hair! It's to do with the hair.
Anna Why is she in a wheelchair?
William Uh, because she had an accident -- about eighteen months ago.
Anna And the pregnancy thing -- is that to do with the accident?
William You know, I'm not sure. I don't think they'd tried for kids before, as fate would have it.
William Do you want to, um…. My place is just, um…
Anna Too complicated.
William That's fine.
Anna Busy tomorrow?
William I thought you were leaving tomorrow.
Anna I was.
William All these streets round here have these mysterious communal gardens in the middle of them. They’re like little village.
Anna Let’s go in.
William Ah no -- that's the point -- they're private villages -- only the people who live round the edges are allowed in.
Anna You abide by rules like that?
William I don’t. No, no, but others do. I just do what I want, Um… right. Whoopsidaisies.
Anna What did you say?
William Nothing.
Anna Yes, you did.
William No, I didn't.
Anna You said 'whoopsidaisies.'
William No one says 'whoopsidaisies,' do they? -- I mean unless they're...
Anna There's no 'unless.' Because no one has said "whoopsidaisies" for fifty years and even then it was just little girls with blonde ringlets.
William Exactly. Right. So here we go again. Whoopsidaisies.
William Yeah, well It's a disease I've got -- it's a clinical thing.
I'm taking pills and having injections – And I’m told it won’t last long.
Anna Okay, stand aside.
William I don’t think that’s a good idea. Really, it’s quite, um, tricky. Anna, Anna, don’t . It’s harder than it… No, it’s not, It’s easy.
Anna Come on, Flopsy.
William Right, All right. Oh, bugger, Oh, God., this could be very unpleasant.
Ay! Buger, bugger… Now what in the world in this garden could make that ordeal worthwhile?
~ It's amazing how you can speak right to my heart ♬
William Nice garden.
♫ Without saying a word, you can light up the dark ♪
~ Try as I may I could never explain ~
♬ What I hear when you don't say a thing. ~
~ You say it best when you say nothing at all ♫
Anna 'For June, who loved this garden -- from Joseph who always sat beside her.' Some people do spend their whole lives together.
♪ All day long I can hear people talking out loud ~
~ But when you hold me near, you drown out the crowd ♪
♫ Try as they may they can never define ~
Anna Come and sit with me.
~ What's been said between your heart and mine. ♪
♬ The smile on your face lets me know that you need me ♫
♪ There's a truth in your eyes, saying you'll never leave me ~
~ A touch of your hand, says you'll catch me wherever I fall ~
♪ Now, you say it best when you say nothing at all ~
[Scene 11]
♬ The touch of your hand, says you'll catch me wherever I fall ~
William Bollocks, bollocks. Have you seen my glasses?
Spike No, afraid not.
William Big, big bollocks! Average day, my glasses are everywhere.
Everywhere I look, there’s a pair of glasses. But when I want to go to the cinema, they’ve vanished.
It’s one of life’s real cruelties.
Spike That's compared to, like, earthquakes in the Far East or testicular cancer, is it?
William Oh shit, is that the time? Thanks for your help on the glasses thing.
Spike You're welcome. Did you find them?
William Sort of.
Spike Great.
♪ Oh, The smile on your face lets me know that you need me ♫
~ There's a truth in your eyes, saying you'll never leave me ~
[Scene 12]
♬ The touch of your hand, says you'll catch me wherever I fall ~
Anna So who left who?
William She left me.
Anna Why?
William She saw through me.
Anna Uh-oh. That's not good.
Man1 You can give me Anna Scott any day.
Man2 I didn't like that last film of hers. Fell asleep as soon as the lights went down.
Man1 I don’t really care what the film’s like. Any film with her in, it’s fine by me.
Man2 She’s not my type at all. I prefer the other one. You know, blonde, sweet-looking. You know, what’s her name.
Has an orgasm every time, you take her out for a cup of coffee.
Man1 Meg Ryan. No, she’s too wholesome. The point about Miss Scott is… she’s got that twinkle in her eyes.
Man2 Probably drug-induced. Spends most of her life in bloody rehab.
Man1 Well, Whatever, she's so clearly up for it. You know -- most girls,
they're all like, 'stay away chum' but Anna, she's absolutely gagging for it. Do you know that in over fifty percent of languages,
the word for "actress" is the same as the word for "prostitute."
And Anna is your definitive actress -- someone really filthy you can just flip over...
William Right, that's it. Sorry.
Anna No, no. There’s really no point.
William I'm sorry to disturb you but, um--
Man1 Can I help you?
William Well, yeah, I wish I hadn't overheard your conversation -- but I did.
And I just think, you know......the person you're talking about is a real person
and I think she probably deserves a little bit more consideration, rather than having jerks like you drooling over her...
Man1 Oh sod off, mate. What are you, her dad?
William I'm sorry.
Anna No, I love that you tried. Time was I'd have done the same thing. In fact – Hi.
Man1 Oh my God...
Anna I just wanted to apologize for my friend. He’s very sensitive.
Man1 Uh, look, I'm sorry...
Anna No, no, leave it. It’s, you know… I’m sure you didn’t mean any harm.
I’m sure it was just friendly banter. I’m sure you guys have dicks the size of peanuts.
Enjoy your dinner. The tuna’s really good.
[Scene 13]
Anna I shouldn't have done that. I shouldn't have done that.
William No, you were brilliant
Anna I'm rash and I'm stupid. What am I doing with you?
William Uh, I don't know, I'm afraid.
Anna I don't know either. Here we are.
William Yes. Well, look…
Anna Do you wanna come up?
William Well, there seems to be… lots of reasons why I shouldn’t, so….
Anna There are lots of reasons. Do you wanna come up? Give me five minutes.
[Scene 14]
Anna Hi.
William Hi. To be able to do that is such a wonderful thing.
Anna You've got to go.
William Why?
Anna Because my boyfriend, who was in America is, in fact, now in the next room.
William Boyfriend?
Anna Yes...
Jeff Baby, who is it?
Anna Uh, it’s, uh…
William Ah... room service.
Jeff How you doing? I thought you guys always wore those, uh, penguin coats.
William Usually we do. But I was just, uh… just changed to go home.
And, um, then I thought I’d take this final call.
Jeff Oh great. If you don’t mind, I would like something too. Could you bring me up some really, really cold water?
William I'll see what I can do.
Jeff Still, not sparkling.
William Absolutely. Ice cold still water.
Jeff Unless it's illegal in the UK to serve liquids below room temperature:
I wouldn’t want you going to jail just to satisfy my whim, now..
William No, I'm sure it's fine.
Jeff Thank you Hey, one more thing. Could you adios these dirty dishes and take out that trash too?
William Right.
Anna No. No. Um, don’t -- don't… don’t do that – I don’t think it’s his job to clear.
Jeff Oh, I'm sorry. I’m sorry. What’s your name, man?
William Bernie.
Jeff Oh, listen, Bernie. Thank you. I really appreciate it. Hey, you. So tell me. Tell me, tell me. Good surprise or nasty surprise?
Anna Good surprise.
Jeff Oh, you’re such a liar. She hates surprises. Hey, What are you gonna order?
Anna Huh?
Jeff From him. What are you gonna order?
Anna Um, I haven't decided yet.
Jeff Well, don't over-do it. I don't want people saying, 'There goes that famous actor with the big, fat girlfriend."
William I should leave. This is a fairly strange reality to be faced with.
Anna I'm so sorry... I don't know what to say.
William Well, I think, um, “good-bye” is traditional.
♪ I can think of younger days ♬
~ When late for my life ♫
♬ Was everything a man could want to do ~
♪ I could never see tomorrow ~
~ I was never told about the sorrow ♩
♬And... ~
~ how can you mend a broken heart ♪
♫ how can you stop the rain falling down ~
~ tell me how can you stop ♪
♪ the sun from shining ~
♪ what makes the world go round ~
[Scene 15]
Spike Come on. Open up. This is me. Spikey. I'm in contact with some quite important spiritual vibrations.
Come on. Hit me with it.
William There's this girl
Spike Aha. See, I been gettin' a female vibe. Good. Speak on, dear friend.
William She's someone who... can't be mine, and, uh, it's as if I've taken love heroin, and now I can't ever have it again.
I've opened Pandora's box and there's trouble inside.
Spike Mmm. Yeah. Tricky. Tricky. I knew a girl at school called Pandora. Never got to see her box or—
William Right. Right. Thanks. That's very helpful.
[Scene 16]
Max You didn't know she had a boyfriend?
William No. No. Why? Did you? Oh, bloody hell. I don't believe it.
My whole life ruined because I don't read Hello magazine.
cf) "Jeff and Anna head for hideaway."
Max Let's face facts. This was always a no-win situation. Anna's... a goddess.
You know what happens to mortals who get involved with the gods.
William Buggered, is it?
Max Every time. But don't despair. I think I have the solution to your problems.
William Really?
Max Mm-hmm. Her name is Tessa. She works in the Contracts Department.
The hair, I admit, is unfashionably frizzy, but she's bright as a button and kisses like a nymphomaniac on death row. apparently.
[Scene 17]
Max Now... try.
Tessa I got completely lost. it's very difficult, isn't it? Everything's got the word "Kensington" in it.
Kensington Park Road. Kensington Garden. Kensington bloody Park Garden.
Max Tessa, this is Bella, my wife.
Tessa Hello. You're in a wheelchair.
Bella That's right.
Max And this is William.
Tessa Hello, William. Max has told me everything about you.
William Has he?
Tessa Oh, yes. You are a naughty boy.
Max Wine?
Tessa Oh, yes, please. Come on, Willie. Let's get sloshed.
Max Red or white?
Tessa Red.
Max Keziah. Some woodcock?
Keziah No, thank you. I'm a fruitarian.
William Ah. What is a fruitarian, exactly?
Keziah We believe that fruits and vegetables have feelings so we think cooking is cruel.
We only eat things that have actually fallen from the tree or bush that are, in fact, dead already.
William Ah. Oh, right. Right. So, um, these carrots?
Keziah Have been murdered, yes.
William Murdered. Poor old carrots. That's--That's beastly.
Woman Delicious coffee.
Max I'm sorry about the lamb.
Woman No. I thought it was...|really, you know, interesting.
William Interesting means inedible.
Woman Really inedible. Yes, you're right Well, maybe we'll meet again.
William Yeah, yeah. That would be, uh-- be great.
Woman Bye.
Max Well?
William Perfect. Absolutely perfect.
Bella And?
William You see I think you've forgotten what an unusual situation you two have to find someone you actually... love who'll love you.
The chances are always minuscule. Look at me. Apart from the American, I've only loved two girls, both total disasters.
Max That's not fair.
William One of them marries me, then leaves me... faster than you can say "Indiana Jones."
And the other-- who seriously ought to have known better-- casually marries my best friend.
Bella She still loves you, though.
William In a depressingly asexual way.
Bella I never fancied you much, actually.
William Oh, God.
Bella I loved you. You were terribly funny, but... all that kissing my ears…
William I don't believe it. This is just getting worse. I shall find myself 30 years from now still sitting on this sofa.
Bella Do you wanna stay?
William Yeah. Why not? All that awaits me at home is a masturbating Welshman.
Max Here we go.
Bella Good night.
Max Night.
Max See you. Wil.
William Right. Guilty. Very, very guilty.
Bella So it seems.
[Scene 18]
Anna Hi. Can I come in?
William Come in.
Anna They were taken years ago. I know it was--Well I was poor and--|it happens a lot. That's not an excuse.
But to make matters worse, it now appears as though... someone was filming me as well.
So what was a stupid photo shoot... now looks like a porno film.
The pictures have been sold and they're just... everywhere.
I didn't know where to go. The hotel's surrounded. I know it's been months, but--
William This is the place.
Anna Thank you. I'm just in London... for two days, but what with your papers, it's the worst place to be.
These pictures are just so horrible, and they're so grainy. it makes me look like--
William Don't think about it. We'll sort it out. What would you like? Tea? Bath?
Anna A bath would be great.
Spike Oh, Christ alive! Brilliant. Fantastic. Magnificent.
Anna You must be Spike. Hi.
Spike Just... checkin'. Thank you, God.
[Scene 19]
Anna I'm really sorry about last time. He just flew in. I had no idea.
In fact, I had no idea if he was ever gonna fly in again.
William All right. It's not often one has the opportunity to adios... the plates of a major Hollywood film star.
it was, um--|it was thrilling for me. So how is he?
Anna I don't know. It just got to the point... where I couldn't remember any of the reasons why we were together. And you and love?
William Oh, well, there's a question, um, without an interesting answer.
Anna I have thought about you.
William Oh.
Anna it's just that... anytime I've tried to keep... anything normal with a person that was...normal, it's just been a disaster.
William Listen, I appreciate that. Absolutely. So what is that, a film you're doing?
Anna Um, start in L.A. on Tuesday.
William Would you like me to take you through your lines?
Anna Would you? 'Cause it's all talk, talk, talk.
William Hand it over. Right. Um, basic plot?
Anna I'm a difficult but brilliant junior officer... who in about 20 minutes is gonna save the world from nuclear disaster.
William Mm-hmm. Okay. Well done, you.
William "Message from Command. Would you like them to send in the H.K.s?"
Anna No. Turn over four T.R.S.s and tell them we need radar feedback...
before the K.F.T.s return at 1900. Then inform the Pentagon we'll need Black Star cover from 1000 through 1215.
And if you say one word about how many mistakes I made in that speech, I'll pelt you with olives.
William Very well, Captain. I'll pass that on straightaway.
Anna Thank you. How many mistakes did I make?
William Eleven.
Anna Damn it. And Wainwright—
William Cartwright.
Anna Cartwright, Wainwright, whatever your name is, I promised little Jimmy I'd be home for his birthday,
so could you get a message to him that I may be late.
William Certainly. And, uh, little Johnny?
Anna My son's name is Johnny?
William Yep.
Anna Then get a message to him too.
William I'll do what I can, Captain, but I can't promise anything. And Cartwright goes.
Anna What do you think?
William Gripping. it's not Jane Austen. it's not Henry James, but it's... gripping.
Anna Think I should do Henry James instead?
William Right. I think you would be brilliant in Henry James. But you know, this writer-- writers--they're pretty damn good too.
Anna You never get anyone on Wings of the Dove saying, "inform the Pentagon we need Black Star cover."
William For me the book is the poorer for it.
[Scene 20]
Anna I can't believe you have that picture.
William You like Chagall?
Anna I do. it feels like how love should be-- floating through a dark blue sky.
William With a goat, playing a violin.
Anna Well, yes. Happiness isn't happiness without a violin-playing goat.
[Scene 21]
Anna You have big feet.
William Yes. Yes, always have had.
Anna You know what they say about men with big feet.
William No. What's that?
Anna Uh, big feet, large... shoes.
[Scene 22]
Anna The thing that is so irritating... is that now I'm so fierce when it comes to nudity clauses.
William You actually have... clauses in your contract about nudity?
Anna Definitely. "You may show the dent of the top of the artist's buttocks,
but neither cheek."Or if there's a stunt bottom being used... "artist must have full consultation."
William You have a stunt bottom?
Anna I could have a stunt bottom, yes.
William Are people tempted to go for better bottoms than their own?
Anna Yeah. I would. This is important stuff.
William It's one hell of a job, isn't it? What do you put on your passport? "Profession: Mel Gibson's bottom."
Anna Actually, Mel does his own ass work.
William Right.
Anna Why wouldn't he?
William Absolutely.
Anna It's delicious.
William What, the ice cream or Mel Gibson's bottom?
Anna Both. Equally.
William But you wouldn't necessarily lick both?
Anna Well, this is tart. And fuzz-free.
William And, uh-- Bedroom. There's clean sheets.
Anna Today's been a good day, which in the circumstances is... unexpected.
William Thank you. Anyway, um, time for bed. Or sofa bed.
Anna Good night.
William Good night.
William Oh, my God. Hello?
Spike Hello.
William Spike.
Spike I wonder if I could have a little word.
William Right.
Spike I don't want to interfere or anything, but she's just split up from her boyfriend, right?
William Maybe.
Spike And she's in your house.
William Yes.
Spike And you get on very well.
William Yes.
Spike Well, isn't this, perhaps, a nice opportunity to... slip her one.
William Spike, for God's sakes. She's in trouble. Get a grip.
Spike You think it's the wrong moment. Fair enough.
William Do you mind if I have a go?
William Spike!
Spike Okay.
William I'll talk to you in the morning.
Spike Okay. Might be too late, but okay.
William Please, sod off.
Anna Okay.
William No. No, no! Wait! I thought you were, um, someone else. I thought you were Spike. I'm thrilled that you're not.
William Wow.
Anna What?
William Nothing.
[Scene 23]
William It does strike me as, well, surreal that I'm allowed to see you naked.
Anna You and every person in this country.
William I'm sorry.
Anna What is it about men and nudity, huh? Particularly breasts. How can you be so interested in them?
William Well--
Anna But, seriously, they're just breasts. Every second person in the world has them.
William More than that, when you think about it. Meat Loaf has a very nice pair.
Anna But they're odd-looking. They're for milk. Your mother has them.
You've seen a thousand of them. What's all the fuss about?
William Actually, I can't think what it is, really. Let me just have a quick look. Nope, nope. Beats me.
Anna Rita Hayworth used to say, "They go to bed with Gilda, they wake up with me."
William Who was Gilda?
Anna Her most famous part. Men went to bed with the dream and they didn't like it when they woke up with the reality. Do you feel that way?
William You are lov elier this morning than you have ever been.
Anna I'll be right back. Breakfast in bed.
William Oh.
Anna Or it's brunch or lunch or something.
William My God.
Anna Can I stay a bit longer?
William Stay forever.
Anna Forgot the jam. I'll get the jam, you get the door.
William Jesus Christ.
Anna What? What is it?
William Nothing, really.
Anna You're up to something.
William Anna, no, please!
Anna My God. And they got a picture of you dressed like that.
William Yes. Undressed like this, yeah.
Spike Morning, darling ones.
Anna It's me. The press are here. No, there are hundreds of them.
My brilliant plan was not so brilliant. I know. I know. Just get over here. Damn it.
William Um, I wouldn't go outside.
Spike Why not?
William Just take my word for it.
Spike Oh. How did I look? Not bad. Not at all bad. Well-chosen briefs, I'd say.
Chicks love gray. Nice firm buttocks.
William How are you doing?
Anna How do you think I'm doing?
William I don't know what happened.
Anna I do. Your furry friend thought he'd make a buck telling the papers where I was.
William That's not true.
Anna Really? The entire British press got up this morning and thought,
"I know where Anna Scott is. She's in that house with the blue door in Notting Hill."
Then you go out in your goddamn underwear!
Spike I went out in my goddamn underwear too.
William Get out! I’m so sorry.
Anna This is such an unbelievable mess. I come to you to protect myself against more crappy gossip,
and now I've landed in it all over again. For God's sake, I've got a boyfriend!
William You have?
Anna As far as they're concerned I do. And now, tomorrow there'll be pictures of you in every newspaper from here to Timbuktu!
William I know that, but... just let's stay calm.
Anna You stay calm! This is a perfect situation for you, isn't it?
Minimum input, maximum publicity. Everywhere you go, people will say, "Well done, you.
You slept with that actress. We saw the pictures."
William That is spectacularly unfair.
Anna That's yours. Maybe it'll even help business.
Buy a boring book about Egypt from the guy that screwed Anna Scott.
William Stop! Stop! I beg you! Calm down. How about a cup of tea?
Anna I don't want a goddamn cup of tea. I just wanna go home.
William Spike, see who that is and put some clothes on, for God's sake.
Spike Looks like a chauffeur to me.
Anna Spike owes you an expensive dinner or holiday, depending who's got the brains to get the going rate on betrayal.
William That is not true. Wait a minute. This is crazy behavior. Can't we just laugh about all this?
Seriously. in the huge sweep of things this stuff doesn't matter.
Spike What he's gonna say next is there's people starving in the Sudan.
William Well, there are, and we don't have to go anywhere near that far.
My best friend slipped down stairs cracked her back... and she's in a wheelchair for the rest of her life.
All I'm asking for is a normal amount of perspective.
Anna You're right. Of course, you're right. it's just that I've dealt with this garbage for ten years.
You've had it for ten minutes. Our perspectives are very different.
William Today's newspapers will be lining tomorrow's wastepaper bin.
Anna Excuse me?
William You know it's just one day. Tomorrow, today's papers will all have been thrown out.
Anna You really don't get it. This story will be filed.
Every time anyone writes anything about me, they'll dig up these photos.
Newspapers last forever. I'll regret this forever.
William Right. Right. I will feel the opposite, if that's okay by you, and, uh, always be glad that you..came to stay.
But, um, you're probably right. You better go.
William Was it you?
Spike I may have told a few people down at the pub.
William Right.
♬Ain't no sunshine when she's gone ~
~ It's not warm when she's away ♪
♩ Ain't no sunshine when she's gone ~
~ And she's always gone too long ♫
♪ Anytime she goes away ~
~ Ain't no sunshine when she's gone ♬
♬ It's not warm when she's away ~
~ Ain't no sunshine when she's gone ♬
♫ And she's always gone too long ~
~ Anytime she goes away ♬
♪ Wonder this time where she's gone ~
~ Wonder if she's gone to stay ♫
♫ Ain't no sunshine when she's gone ~
~ And this house just ain't no home ♬
♪ Anytime she goes away ~
[Scene 24]
Honey Have I got something for you. Something which will make you love me so much,
you will want to hug me every day for the rest of my life.
William Blimey. What is it?
Honey Phone number of Anna Scott's agent in London... and her agent in New York.
Listen, you think about her all the time. Now you can ring her.
William Yeah. Brilliant. Thanks.
Honey I'll see you tonight. Hey, Marty. Ooh! Sexy cardi.
[Scene 25]
Bella Shh! Hello! I have a little speech to make. I won't stand up because I can't... be bothered.
Exactly a year ago today, this man here started the finest restaurant in London.
William Hear, hear.
Tony Thank you very much.
Bella Unfortunately, no one ever came to eat here.
Tony it's a tiny hiccup.
Bella And so we have to face the fact that from next week, we must find somewhere new to eat.
I just want to say to Tony...don't take it personally. The more I think about things, the more I see no rhyme or reason in life.
No one knows why some things work out and some things don't. Why some of us get lucky... and some of us—
Bernie Get fired.
Honey What?
Bella No!
Bernie Yeah, well, it seems they're shifting the whole outfit... much more towards the emerging markets.
And, of course, well, I was total crap, so--
Tony A toast to Bernie-- the worst stockbroker in the whole world.
Honey I thank you. And Tony, the worst restaurateur.
All Tony and Bernie. Both crap...The terrible two in their own special ways.
Honey Since it's an evening|of announcements, uh, I've also got one. Um, I've decided to get engaged.
I've found myself a nice, slightly odd-looking bloke... who I know is gonna make me happy for the rest of my life.
William Wait a sec. I mean, I-- I'm your brother. I don't know anything about this. Is he--Is he financially viable?
Honey He's an artist...with brilliant prospects.
William This is a secret you've been keeping from me.
Bella No, I swear!
Honey By the way, it's you.
Spike Me?
Honey What do you think?
Spike Well, yeah. Groovy.
Max Excuse me. Are there any more announcements?
William Well, actually, yes. I feel I should apologize to everyone... for my behavior over the last six months.
I have, as you know, been somewhat down in the mouth.
Max There's an understatement. There are dead people on better form.
William But I just wish to make it clear that I've turned a corner, and, um, henceforward intend to be impressively happy.
Bella Oh, God. I'm horribly drunk.
Honey Come on.
Max So you've laid the ghost?
William I believe I have.
Max Don't give a damn about the famous girl?
William No. No, I don't think I do.
Max Which means you won't be distracted by the fact that she's back in London... grasping her Oscar...
and currently to be found filming, most days, on Hampstead Heath.
William Oh, God, no.
Max So not over her, in fact.
[Scene 26]
Security Can I help you?
William Yeah, I'm, um-- I'm looking for Anna Scott.
Security Does she know you're coming?
William No. No, uh, she doesn't.
Security I'm afraid I can't let you through, sir.
William Right. I mean, I am actually a friend. I'm not a lunatic, but-- No, you basically, er
Security Can't let you through, sir.
Anna Well, this is, uh--
William I only found out you were here yesterday.
Anna I was going to call, but I
Woman Uh, Anna.
Anna Yes. Um-- Things aren't going very well, and it's our last day.
William Absolutely, yeah. You're clearly very busy.
Anna But if-- if you could wait, there are... things to say.
William Okay.
Anna Drink tea. There's lots of tea.
Staff Come and have a look. Are you a fan of Henry James?
William This is a Henry James film?
Staff Yeah. This is, uh, Harry. He'll give you a pair of headphones so you can hear the dialogue.
William Thank you very much.
Staff No problem.
William Hi.
Harry Hi. Here we go. Volume's on the side. Have a seat.
William Thank you.
Actor We are living in cloud cuckoo land. We'll never get this done today.
Anna We've got to. I’ve got to be in New York on Thursday.
Actor Oh, stop showing off. God, that's an enormous ass.
Anna I'm not listening.
Actor But seriously, it's not fair. So many tragic young teenagers with anorexia...
and that girl has an ass she could perfectly well share around...
with at least ten other women and still be big-bottomed.
Anna I would think, looking at something nice like that, you and your...bony little excuse for an arse...
would be well advised to keep quiet. Now down to business. The end of the scene.
Um, I ask you when you're telling everyone, and you say—
Actor Um, tomorrow will be soon enough.
Anna And then I-- Right. Okay.
Actor Say, who was that rather diffident chap I saw you talking to round the back?
Anna No one. Just some guy from the past. it's a bit of an awkward situation.
I don't know what he's doing here.
William Of course. Thanks. I've got to, um--
Harry Any time.
Man Ladies and gentlemen, can we have you on your first marks?
On your first marks!
[Scene 27]
Martin Uh, l-I do hate to disturb you whilst you're cooking the books, but, uh, there's a delivery for you.
William Martin, really. Can't you just do it yourself?
Martin But you see, this is not for the shop. This is for you.
William Right. Okay. Tell me, if I employ a wet rag, would l have to pay it as much as I pay you?
Anna Hi.
William Hello.
Anna You disappeared.
William Yeah. Yeah. Um-- I had to leave. I didn't want to disturb.
Anna How have you been?
William Fine, fine. Everything much the same. When they change the law, Spike and I will marry immediately.
Whereas you, I've watched in wonder. Awards, glory.
Anna Oh, no. it's-- it's all nonsense, believe me.
I'd no idea how much nonsense it was, but. nonsense it all is.
Well, um-- Yesterday was our last day of filming, so... I'm leaving.
But, um--I brought this for you from home, so I thought I'd give it to you.
William Thank you. Shall I--
Anna Oh, no, don't open it now. I'll be embarrassed.
William Well, thank you. I don't know what it's for, but thanks anyway.
Anna Actually, I had it in my apartment and I thought you'd--
But when it came to it, I didn't know how to call having behaved so badly. Twice. So it's just been sitting in the hotel.
Then you came and... I figured-- The thing is, The thing is--
William What? What is the thing? Don't even think about it. Go away immediately. Go away.
Customer Right. Sorry.
William You were saying?
Anna Yes. I have to go away today, but l wondered if I didn't... whether you might let me see you a little, or... a lot, maybe.
See if you could like me again.
William But yesterday that actor asked you who I was, and you just dismissed me out of hand. I heard.
You had a microphone. I had headphones.
Anna You expect me to tell the truth about my life... to the most indiscreet man in England?
Martin Uh, excuse me. it's your mother on the phone.
William Will you tell her I'll ring her back?
Martin I've actually tried that tack, but she said you've said that once before,
and it's now been about 24 hours... and the foot that was purple is now sort of blackish in color and--
William Right, right. Yeah. Perfect timing, as ever. Martin, hold the fort a second.
Martin Uh, yes. All right. Um, could I just say-- I thought Ghost was the most wonderful film.
Anna Is that right?
Martin Oh, yes. Um, I've always wondered... what Patrick Swayze's like in real life.
Anna I can't say that I know Patrick all that well.
Martin He wasn't that friendly during filming?
Anna Well, I'm sure he was friendly to Demi Moore who acted with him in Ghost.
Martin Oh. Oh, right. Sorry. Always been a bit of an ass. Um, anyway-- Um--
Well, it was lovely to meet you. I'm a huge, huge fan of yours. And Demi's, of course.
William Sorry.
Anna That's fine. There's always a pause when the jury goes out to consider their verdict.
William Anna, look, um-- I'm a fairly levelheaded bloke, not often in and out of love.
But, uh-- Can I just say no to your... kind request and, uh, leave it at that?
Anna Yes. Fine. Of course. I-- Of course. I'll just be going, then. It was nice to see you.
William The thing is, with you I'm in real... danger.
It seems like a... perfect situation, apart from that foul temper of yours,
But... my relatively inexperienced heart would, I fear, not.. recover, uh,
if I was...once again cast aside as I would absolutely expect to be.
There are just too many pictures of you, too many films.
You'd go and I'd be, uh, well, buggered, basically.
Anna That really is a real no, isn't it?
William I live in Notting Hill. You live in... Beverly Hills. Everyone in the world knows who you are.
My mother has trouble remembering my name.
Anna Fine. Fine. Good decision. Good decision. The fame thing isn't really real, you know?
And don't forget I'm-- I'm also just a girl... standing in front of a boy... asking him to love her. Good-bye.
[Scene 28]
William So what do you think? Good move?
Honey Yeah, good move. I mean, when all's said and done she's nothing special.
I saw her taking her trousers down and I definitely glimpsed some cellulite down there.
Bella Good decision, yeah. All actresses are as mad as snakes.
William Tony, what do you reckon?
Tony Never met her, never want to.
William Brilliant. Max?
Max Absolutely. Never trust a vegetarian.
William Great. Thanks. Brilliant.
Spike I was called and I came. What's up?
Honey William's just turned down Anna Scott.
Spike You daft prick.
Honey No, no. it's actually quite sensible.
Bella That painting isn't the original, is it?
William Um, you know, I think it might be, yeah.
Bernie But she said she wanted to go out with you.
William Yeah.
Bernie Well, that's nice.
William What?
Bernie Well, you know, anyone saying they wanna go out with you is pretty great, isn't it?
William It was... sort of... sweet, actually.
Um, I mean, I know she's an actress and all that... so she can... deliver a line, but, um,
she said she might be as famous as she can be, but also that she was just a girl...standing in front of a boy...
asking him... to love her. Oh, sod a dog. I've made the wrong decision, haven't I?
Spike Yeah.
William Max, how fast is your car?
[Scene 29]
All Good luck!
Max If anyone gets in our way, we have small nuclear devices.
Bernie Where to?
William All I can think is The Ritz.
Max Where's Bella?
Honey She's not coming.
Max Oh, sod that. Bernie, in the back.
Bernie What?
Bella Max, I'm okay.
Max Come on, babe.
Bella Which way are you going?
Max Down Kensington Church Street, then Knightsbridge, then Hyde Park Corner.
Bella No, crazy. Go along Bayswater.
Honey That's right. Then Park Lane.
Bernie No, straight down to the Cromwell Road, then left.
William No!
Max Stop right there! I will decide the route. All right?
William Sorry, Max.
Max James Bond never has to put up with this sort of shit.
Bella Turn right!
Max I can't. it's one way
Bella Do a U-turn.
Max Oh, sod it. Hold on. Brilliant!
Bernie Bloody hell, this is fun!
William I’m sorry. Is Miss Scott staying here?
Ritz Man No, sir.
William How 'bout Miss Flintstone?
R.M No, sir.
William Uh, Bambi?
R.M No, sir.
William Or, um-- I don't know. Beavis or Butt-head?
R.M No, sir.
William Thanks. Thanks.
R.M There was a Miss Pocahontas, But she checked out about an hour ago.
I believe she's holding a press conference at the Savoy... before flying to America.
Bernie We have liftoff.
Man You have message for Takiama?
R.M I'll just check, sir.
Spike Bugger this for a bunch of bananas. Stop! Stop! Stop! Stay there! Go! Go! Whoa, whoa, whoa! Hang on!
Come on! No! Wait! Wait there! Come on! Come on! Wait! Whoa, whoa, whoa! Go on! Through, through!
Honey You're my hero!
Spike Whoa! Down boy.
[Scene 30]
William Excuse me.
Man Yes?
William Where's the press conference, please?
Man Are you an accredited member of the press?
William Yep. There you go.
Man That's a Blockbuster Video membership card, sir.
William That's right. I work for their in-house magazine. Movies Are Our Business.
Man I'm sorry, sir.
Bella He's with me.
Man And you are?
Bella Writing an article on how London hotels treat people in wheelchairs.
Man Yes, of course, madam. it's in the Lancaster Room. Though I'm afraid you're rather late.
Honey Run!
Reporter Does this mean that Miss Scott will not be publicizing her next film?
Manager No, it absolutely does not mean that. She'll be abiding by all her present commitments. She just won't be making any more for the next year.
Reporter2 When will the film be released?
Manager At the moment, the plan is to release in America towards the end of the autumn,
and over here around Christmas or early in the new year. Right! Dominic.
Dominic Anna, how much longer are you staying in the U.K., then?
Anna No time at all. I leave tonight.
Manager Which is why we have to round things up now, so final questions, please. Yes. Lady there.
Reporter3 Is your decision to take a year off anything to do... with the rumors about Jeff and his present leading lady?
Anna Absolutely not.
Reporter3 Do you believe the rumors?
Anna Well, it's really not my business anymore. Though I will say, from my experience, rumors about Jeff do tend to be true.
Reporter4 Yeah. The last time you were here, there were some fairly graphic photographs... taken of you with a young English guy.
So, uh, what happened there?
Anna He was just a friend. We're still friends, I think.
Manager Right, um--Yes. Gentleman in the pink shirt.
William Yes. Miss Scott, are there any circumstances in which... the two of you... might be more than just good friends?
Anna I hoped there would be, but no, I'm... assured there aren't.
William But what would you say if
Manager Sorry. Just the one question, please.
Anna No, it's all right. You were saying….
William I was just wondering if, uh, it turned out that this person, uh--
Reporter Thacker. His name was Thacker.
William Thanks, thanks. I just wondered whether if... Mr. Thacker realized he'd been a daft prick...and got down on his knees and...
begged you to reconsider, whether you would, in fact, then... reconsider?
Anna Yes, I believe I would.
William That's very good news. Um--The readers of Horse & Hound will be absolutely delighted.
Manager Right. Uh, Dominic, if you'd like to ask your question again?
Dominic Yeah? Anna, how long are you intending to stay here in Britain?
Anna Indefinitely.
♪ She may be the face I can't forget ~
~ A trace of pleasure or regret ♬
♩ May be my treasure or the price I have to pay ~
Spike What happened?
Honey It was good.
~ She may be the song that summer sings ♪
♬ May be the chill that autumn brings ~
~ May be a hundred different things within the measure of a day ♫
♪ She may be the beauty or the beast ~
~ May be the famine or the feast ♪
♫ May turn each day into a heaven or a hell ~
~ She may be the mirror of my dreams ♬
♪ A smile reflected in a stream ~
~ She may not be what she may seem Inside her shell ♬
♩ She who always seems so happy in a crowd ~
~ Whose eyes can be so bright and so proud ♪
♬ No one's allowed to see them when they cry ~
~ She may be the love that cannot hope to last ♪
♪ May come to me from shadows of the past ♩
~ That I'll remember till the day I die ~
♬ She may be the reason I survive ~
~ The why and wherefore I'm alive ♪
♪ The one I'll care for through the rough and ready years ~
~ Me I'll take her laughter and her tears ♬
♪ And make them all my souvenirs ~
~ For where she goes I've got to be ♪
♩The meaning of my life is ~
~ She, she, she ♬
--- The End ---
Produced by Duncan Kenworthy
Screenplay by Richard Curtis
Directed by Roger Michell
Edited by Nicholas Moore
Cast
Anna Scott Julia Roberts
William Thacker Hugh Grant