Topic for Feb. 29. ( Thur )

[Alex !]

5 Signs You’re In A Relationship With A Covert Narcissist

-posted on huffpost.com

When you think of a narcissist, you probably picture someone whose behavior is grandiose, entitled and arrogant — what’s known as an overt narcissist. But there’s another, lesser-known type of narcissism that often flies under the radar: It’s called “covert narcissism.” And while a covert narcissist’s behavior may be less obvious, it can be just as harmful to those in their orbit. 

Like overt narcissists, covert narcissists lack empathy for others, use manipulation to get their way and have a strong drive to feel special in comparison to other people. But the way the two different types of narcissists try to stand out is different, said clinical psychologist Craig Malkin.

Covert narcissists don’t feel special by virtue of positive qualities like attractiveness or intelligence; they feel exceptional because of their pain or suffering, agreeing with statements like ‘most people don’t understand my problems’ and ‘I’m temperamentally more sensitive compared to others,’” 

Think of it this way: “In overt narcissism, their vulnerabilities are hidden and their grandiosity is loud,” he said. “In covert narcissism, the grandiosity is hidden but vulnerability is at full volume.” Covert narcissists may appear quiet, introverted, anxious or even depressed.

“It takes a while to see the self-centeredness and entitlement in covert narcissism because it’s often indirect and comes out in them as anger about other people’s success, and insecurity and defensiveness about not being appreciated,” Campbell, author of “The New Science of Narcissism,” told HuffPost.

It’s also important to know that narcissism exists on a continuum; it’s a trait all people possess to varying degrees. You can have narcissistic tendencies in a certain area of your life without meeting the clinical criteria for full-blown narcissistic personality disorder, or NPD — a diagnosable mental health condition.

Covert narcissism is not a formal diagnosis, but it’s a term mental health professionals often use “to describe a certain manifestation of narcissism that has a lot of anxiety, insecurity and neuroticism along with it,” Campbell said. 

“People use the term ‘covert narcissist’ informally to describe somebody who is high on that personality trait of covert narcissism,” he said. “But that is not a clinical description.” 

So what does covert narcissism look like in a romantic relationship? Experts explain some signs to watch out for below:

They constantly play the victim.

No matter the situation, somehow your partner is always the injured party. 

“Because they channel their grandiosity into being the most misunderstood or aggrieved person in the room, covert narcissists always have to win in the game of who was hurt the most,”

“One of my clients had a boyfriend who predictably turned the conversation to how neglected he felt whenever she brought him even the smallest request—even something as simple as putting items back in the fridge,” he said.

Even when you thoughtfully try to voice a complaint, your partner will say things like, “You don’t appreciate me,” 

“They’re always feeling criticized, let down and unsupported,” she told HuffPost. 

So if you find yourself apologizing anytime you feel hurt or misunderstood — that’s a sign you could be living with a covert narcissist.

They see the with jealousy when the spotlight is on you. 

While grandiose narcissists are practically pushing people out of the way to be the center of attention, the covert narcissist is quietly “sitting on the sideline getting judgy, feeling envious, feeling insecure, feeling resentful and fantasizing” about being in the spotlight.

There’s a lot more neuroticism, a lot more hypersensitivity to not getting this extraordinary attention they think they deserve, never feeling appreciated enough,” 

Let’s say your friends threw you a celebratory dinner for a promotion you got at work. If your partner is a covert narcissist, they’d have a hard time playing second fiddle during your big moment. 

“The covert narcissist is just boiling inside and will find other ways of punishing you or trying to banish you from this moment of glory. And they will do it by bringing the attention perhaps to their own suffering, their own victimization. It can look like vulnerability.”

A covert narcissist wields emotion in a manipulative way. Any vulnerability they show is more display than genuine feeling.

“If your partner collapses in tears or withdraws into sulky silence when you ask for help with chores or dare to suggest they ask you about your day, the feelings may be more about getting you to change the topic than expressing genuine needs or reactions,” 

“Covert narcissists don’t really trust people enough to state needs and feelings directly and clearly, so the emotions never quite feel genuine. In fact, covert narcissists often brood instead of saying exactly what’s on their mind.”

A covert narcissist believes their problems are more important than yours — or anyone else’s, for that matter, Malkin said. And they act accordingly. 

“For that reason, they feel entitled to air time. If instead of a hug or hello, you’re greeted with an angry tirade about mistreatment at work or endless stories about how everyone else is treated better and has more advantages, it’s a strong indication of covert narcissism,” 

They’re very defensive. 

This might show up as “defensiveness about one’s lack of achievements or negativity and hostility towards other people’s success, Covert narcissists are both insecure and hypersensitive, which can make them “very difficult to deal with, They’re constantly seeking reassurance and validation but are also quick to become defensive and react angrily when they feel threatened.