“You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to
accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives.” Genesis
50:20 (NIV)
Whenever I’ve stepped out to do something () I felt God calling me to do,
the voices of criticism and condemnation have been there to greet me.
Early on in ministry the voices were loud and cruel: “You’ll never be a
speaker.” “You are not wanted.” “Look at you. Do you really think God
could use someone like you /after what you’ve done?”
Sometimes I measured myself /against other people. “She’s so clever. She’s so educated. She’s so connected. Who am I compared to all that?”
Gradually, I pulled away. I put up a front of perfection /with carefully
crafted words and a house and kids //that looked just right. Polished on
the outside — yet completely undone on the inside.
Eventually the Lord called my bluff.
I was simultaneously going through the books Experiencing God by Henry Blackaby and Victory Over the Darkness
by Neil T. Anderson. Often I would have tears stream from my eyes /while
attempting to get through the lessons. But one day, it was more than
just tears. It was sobs /pouring from a chest /so heavy with burdens () I
thought () I might literally break apart.
Down on my face, I asked God to speak to me. [What I heard in reply] was one simple yet life-changing question: “Will you share your story?”
“Yes, I will share my story. The good parts. The parts //that are safe and tidy and acceptable.”
But safe and tidy and acceptablewere not [what God was looking for]. He wanted the impossible.
Totally impossible.
Absolutely impossible … in my own strength.
But God wouldn’t drop it. He met every one of my arguments /with Scriptures /about relying not on my strength, but on His.
He untangled [my need /for approval] /with the challenge /to live for an
audience of One. He helped me see [where the voices of doubt were coming
from] and challenged me to consider the source. And, quite simply, He
kept whispering () He loved me /over and over again.
[The first time () I shared my story] was nothing but an act of absolute
obedience. I kept my head down and my guard up. I expected the ladies
listening to all start stoning me … especially when I got to the part
about my abortion. [The shame of all the abuse and rejection] was nothing
/compared to the shame of my choice to abort my child.
I’d wept over that choice.
I’d repented.
I’d gone to God hundreds of times and asked for forgiveness.
I’d laid it down /every time () there was an altar call.
But nothing brought the redemption that this day brought. As I stood
/shaking at that podium, I shared exactly what and how God asked me to
share.
And then the miracle happened.
When I finished and dared to look up /at their reactions, tearstained
faces were looking back at me. Mouths were whispering, “Me too. Me too.”
In that moment, I finally understood the idea that “what Satan means
for evil, God can use for good” /like our key verse tells us.
[Seeing God use the very thing //that made me feel utterly worthless to
help others] changed everything. I was finally breaking free /from Satan’s
chains of shame and could see his lies /for what they were.
In that moment, I felt victorious — not in my own power, but in the
Lord’s strength and ability to use all things for good. Without that
decision of obedience, I would not have been able to see [how God wanted
to work in the lives of so many women] /that night.
This is our heart at Proverbs 31 Ministries — to help women dismantle
the lies of the enemy /with the truth of God /so they can walk in freedom.
Because when one woman finds freedom, she is able to help countless
others discover freedom /in Christ!
Dear Lord, thank You for making the impossible, possible. Thank You
for taking every event in my life and using it for good. You are worthy
to be praised. I want to follow Your plan for my life. In Jesus’ Name,
Amen.