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Rude brother-in-law
Dear Annie: I have been married for five years to a wonderful man. I knew when we married that his brother, "Paul," would be difficult --?he is overbearing, rude, self-centered and a bully -- but I thought I could deal with the challenge.
My husband's sister, "Rita," recently was diagnosed with cancer. Rita, her husband and their young daughter have been staying with us during her chemo so we can help take care of her and her family. The last two treatments, my mother-in-law came to visit in order to help out. During both visits, Paul asked his mother to watch his two kids, which left us scrambling to take care of a very sick cancer patient, get her to doctor visits, and supervise her small child and mine, plus Paul's kids.
I asked Paul to please wait until Rita's treatment is over before asking us to baby-sit. His response? He said Rita is a baby and a whiner about her cancer and that she has the whole family wrapped around her finger. He then swore at me on the phone, so I hung up on him.
Over the years, my husband and I have baby-sat for Paul's kids (whom I love dearly), made improvements on his house and let him spend countless hours relaxing at our place while I cooked him meals. We also have given him large amounts of cash on numerous occasions because he is so irresponsible with money.
I was both stunned and saddened by Paul's selfishness and complete lack of compassion for his own sister. I would never ask my husband to choose between me and his brother, but I find Paul completely reprehensible, and I don't want my child around him. How can I deal with this thorn in my side? He is family. Am I stuck with him? -- At the End of My Rope
Dear Rope: Yes, you're stuck with him, but you don't have to let him take advantage of you. Limit your time with Paul to those family occasions when you must be around him. If your husband chooses to have a closer relationship with his brother, don't criticize, but let him do it on his own time.
Dear Annie: I am a 28-year-old female and am close friends with "Amanda." Frequently, when Amanda and I are at a restaurant or social event, she makes comments about the portion size on my plate versus the amount on hers. Recently, at a restaurant with two other friends, I took one last bite off my plate, and Amanda yelled across the table, "Are you STILL eating?"
Annie, both Amanda and I are at healthy weights, so I am at a loss to explain her behavior. Am I wrong to think she's rude? -- Frustrated in South Carolina
Dear S.C.: Of course she's rude. She does it because it makes her feel superior, and she needs to feel that way because underneath it all, she is pathetically insecure. Either ignore her or tell her to knock it off.
Dear Annie: I work the third shift for a major company and am worried about a co-worker. "Cora" is a very nice lady, but she falls asleep in mid-conversation. She also conks out while taking calls, sitting down, standing up, etc. I seem to be the closest one to her and try to keep her awake, but it's not easy. We also are worried because she drives. Our office is like a big family, so please tell us how to help her. Should we suggest that she see a doctor? -- Midwest Telemarketer
Dear Midwest: Yes. It sounds as if Cora suffers from narcolepsy, but the good news is, there is treatment available. Cora should call the nearest sleep disorder clinic, or contact the National Sleep Foundation (sleepfoundation.org) 1522 K St., NW, Suite 500, Washington, D.C. 20005, for a referral.
Annie's Mailbox is written by Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar, longtime editors of the Ann Landers column.
2005.06.07
Breaking Stereotypes About Asian Women
By Joel Hopkinson
I found Daniel Hong's, "Asian Female Mystique" offensive. As a Western man who is married to a Korean woman, I feel the need to defend my lifestyle and my wife's reputation.
Firstly, the article is simplistic because it generalizes too much. By lumping all Asian women together into one stereotype, the author discusses countries as varied a Japan, China and Thailand as if they were all the same. Asia has many different religions and cultures.
Prasso's observations of Western men and Thai women are not applicable to the rest of Asia and are also culturally insensitive. Bangkok is famous for prostitution; it is not an example of Pan-Asian morals or cultural norms. By observing the sex industry, Prasso has ignored other aspects of Thai culture such as their spirituality and adherence to Buddhist morals.
Furthermore, in Thai culture women are more accepting of much older husbands. Prasso fails to understand this.
If a couple is married then let's assume they love each other. It is not up to academics to decide what is acceptable. The suitability of their marriage is not anybody else's business.
We dn see Ms. Prasso or Mr. Hong comment on how much older white men marry younger white women or examples of older women marrying younger men. How can any serious examination of mixed marriages fail to compare them with other marriages and cultural norms?
Prasso's interpretation of the movie, "Charlie's Angels," is laughable. The whole movie uses the allure of three attractive women and action to draw an audience. Why does Prasso focus on Lucy Liu's cleavage but not on the use of Cameron Diaz's bottom? Could it be that Prasso ignores evidence that does not correspond to her agenda?
I agree that the West does have some stereotypes about Asian people. The same is true for Asians having stereotypes about Westerners. Like all stereotypes about race, they are based on ignorance and misunderstanding. Furthermore, stereotypes based on observations of Thai or Japanese people cannot be applied to other Asians.
I find any opinion that Asian women are submissive to be ridiculous. I have seen Korean households where the woman clearly has a position of authority. Part of the misconception is that Western academics undervalue the roles of mother and homemaker thereby forming the misguided opinion that women are inferior by holding these positions. A more realistic opinion is that mothers and homemakers are actually important and valued positions in society. They have been discounted by modern media and globalization but still remain one of the cornerstones of civilization.
In modern Western relationships the balance of power is moving towards stable equality. What I mean by this is that the man and woman ideally have equal power in all things. The Asian model is different. In Korean relationships the equality comes from both sides having power over different things. For example, a woman may control all decisions about saving and spending money, while the man makes the decision about what car they will buy. Everybody has their own areas of expertise and defers to the advice of the person with authority in a given field. Thus equality is achieved by the overall balance of power.
Personally, I prefer the second method because it frees up my time. All decisions based on certain topics are the realm of my wife, and I do not infringe on her territory. I may ask questions or offer my own opinion if I feel the need but most of the time I am happy to concur with her. Likewise my wife trusts my judgments and is happy to follow the path I choose as long as she feels that I am looking after her interests as well. That is what a partnership is all about.
I found comments such as 'Yellow fever' and 'UCLA (Ugly Caucasians Living with Asians)' to be racist and totally unacceptable.
I will admit that some White men do prefer Asian women but the same is true for everybody. Some White men like Black women, some Asian men like White women, some Asian women prefer White men. Who cares? It's their life; let them enjoy it. As long as any relationship is between two consenting adults, and is hopefully mutually constructive then it is not our business. Let love be the deciding factor in these relationships.
In fact, Prasso's writings should be examined for what they are: an attack on Western men. This kind of attack is getting old and it is time to move on. If I wrote a similar article about White women and Black men, (which I would not do because it is not my concern) I would be labeled as racist and sexist but because Prasso attacks White men it is acceptable though a little dated.
My wife and I are the same age and have similar interests. I have had good relationships with Western women before and I do not think Asian women are anymore or any less attractive than other races. My wife and I have good jobs, good families and are both well educated. I married my wife because I love her and I love her because she is a great person. Anyone else's comments on our relationship are unneeded, unwanted and unwelcome.
The writer is an ESL teacher in Korea for three years.
joel_hopkinson@yahoo.com 06-03-2005 15:47
첫댓글 좋은 게시물이네요. 스크랩 해갈게요~^^