조지와 제리 할리웰

[FREEEK!]

I WEPT WITH SHAME AS I SCAVENGED FOOD SLOPS FROM GEORGE MICHAEL'S RUBBISH BAG 


POP beauty Geri Halliwell binged on leftovers from a binbag in George Michael's garage at the lowest point in her battle against a nightmare eating disorder. 

Blocking her growing sense of shame, she shoved her hands into the remains of a Thanksgiving dinner until she found the "sugar fix" she craved. 

Geri, renowned for her lean, lithe body, scooped great gooey handfuls of squashed chocolate cake into her mouth. 

It was the start of a secret eating binge that continued for three days until tormented Geri, 30, realised she had to face her demons—or be destroyed by them. 

"I got down on my knees and, crying my eyes out, begged for a way out: ‘Oh God, if you are there, please help me'. 

"There was no bolt of lightning or heavenly reply but, instead, there was a moment of real clarity. 

Cakes

"At last I realised I couldn't control this monster any more. I needed to find help. Fast. It was the decision that saved my life." 

In her shocking new autobiography Just For The Record, serialised only in the News of the World, brave Geri spares no detail of the depths she sank to in the grip of her eating disorder. 

Her moment of truth came after organising a Thanksgiving dinner while she was staying alone at the Los Angeles home of her pop icon pal George Michael and his partner Kenny Goss. 

"I ordered turkey with all the trimmings, roast potatoes, mashed potatoes, sweetcorn, pumpkin pie and as many sticky, rich and chocolatey puddings and cakes as I could find," Geri recalls. 

"When we sat down for dinner, I had the smallest plate, limiting myself to a little bit of turkey, some vegetables and not much else. 

"Potatoes weren't allowed and pudding was out of the question. I denied myself as everyone else tucked into the food. 

"About 11 o'clock, people started preparing to leave. While they did, I stacked all the dishes in the dishwasher and then turned to the piles of untouched food. 

Trance

"I decided to throw all the left-overs into a bin liner, which I tied and took outside to the garage. 

"I was determined to stop myself bingeing. By midnight, everyone had gone. The safest thing to do was sleep—so I undressed and got ready for bed. Then a little voice in my head said: ‘Come on, Geri, why don't you have some cake? There's plenty outside in the garage.' 

"The idea was so disgusting—but the voice, like a devil on my shoulder, got more and more insistent. 

"In a sort of trance-like state, I found myself opening the back door and walking to the rubbish bags. I spotted the one I had taken out, knelt down, and untied it. 

"Inside the cakes and puddings were crushed out of shape and mixed with the half-eaten dinner. 

"I reached inside, fished out some chocolate cake and stuck it in my mouth. I felt a terrible sense of shame but I couldn't stop. I ate and ate and ate until I was so full, all I could do was sleep. 

"In the next few days, binge followed binge followed binge. I drew the curtains, stopped answering the phone and ordered more and more food from the take-out service." 

It was then that Geri collapsed to the floor and prayed for help. 

"I believed that my addiction would kill me if I didn't take it on. 

"If I continued consuming so much sugar I could develop diabetes, or the trauma of vomiting might trigger a heart attack. 

"The most serious risk was depression. Carrying on as I was seemed intolerable. Why would I want to live if I couldn't change?" 

Geri logged onto a computer, and typed "eating disorder" into a search engine. 

"The first result, right at the top, gave the name of a therapist in LA, specialising in the problem." At their first session the counsellor suggested group therapy. 

"The thought of attending meetings with complete strangers and talking about my problems was incredibly daunting," she says. "But inside, I knew I didn't have a choice any more." 

So on December 7, 2000, Geri went to a support group for people with eating disorders. "As I looked round the room," she says, "I was struck by the different types in the group of 30-40 people. 

"Some were overweight, others thin. They came from all walks of life—young mothers, businessmen, factory workers and students. That first meeting gave me a chance to reconnect with real people after so many years in the celebrity bubble. Here, everyone was equal, fame counted for nothing. 

"As I sat there listening to their stories, tension started to ease and I had an overwhelming feeling that I had come to the right place. 

"Just the knowledge that everyone shared the same insanities gave me strength. I was not alone. I was among friends. 

Dangerous

"Over the years, I had been caught in a cycle of starvation diets and dangerous overeating. 

"Now I was an addict. Food was my drug and I would use it as a reward, a punishment and a way to escape my feelings." 

"When I came home from the support group that day, I wrote in my diary: ‘My name is Geri and I am a recovering compulsive overeater, bulimic anorexic'. 

"Confessing my problem seemed to reduce my compulsion to binge and take away some of its power. This was just the beginning of the road to recovery." And soon Geri came to realise that understanding the reasons for her problems was part of the cure. 

"I had travelled the world and experienced extraordinary things. 

"But I still found myself down on my knees eating chocolate cake from a dustbin...because that felt better than being alone with myself. 

"I could only explain it by looking at my past. I have always had a difficult and obsessive relationship with food," she admits. "As a kid, it was used as a comfort and punishment and, because we didn't have much money, treats were rare. 

"I shared with my dad a love of chocolate and ice cream and I always looked forward to our secret trips to the sweet shop. 

"Six months before I joined the Spice Girls, when my father died, my dieting developed into anorexia. Throughout my time with the group, I battled bulimia. My life has been dictated by eating or not eating. It was usual for me to starve myself in preparation for an event. 

"For the video shoot for Bag It Up, I had been on the Dr Atkins' diet (which works on burning fat by cutting carbohydrates) and seemed to be living on slices of turkey and little else. 

"But that wasn't enough. In the final days before the video shoot, I started a three-day fast of maple syrup and water because I was so desperate to lose more weight. 

"A trainer I had worked with told me about an actress who got ready for movies by living on water with maple syrup and cayenne pepper for a few days. The pepper speeds up your metabolism and the maple syrup keeps you sustained." 

Now a wiser Geri has her sights set firmly on the future. "Some people think getting help for addiction is the end of the story," she says. 

"But it's only the first step along the way. I am not pretending recovery is easy but I have learned to take one day at a time. I will always have this illness and will always have to fight it. 

"The moment I let my guard down or feel too much pressure, another binge could be round the corner." 

And Geri freely admits: "I still binge sometimes. The good news is that it happens less often now, and when it does happen, it is easier to regain control and stop." 

© Geri Halliwell 2002.