명상록

[박대선]

명상록를 우연히 다시 읽었다. 좋은 가문에서 태어나 뛰어난 교육을 받고 황제의 총애를 받다가 황제가 되었지만 검소하게 살면서 전장을 누벼야 했던 아우렐리우스는 아이러니하게도 양위를 하면서 지속되었던 오현제시대를 끝내고 어리석은 아들에게 황제를 물려주는 누를 범한다. 16 특히 1장에서는 여러 사람들에게 여러가지를 배운 것에 대해 감사를 표하고 있으니 더욱 그러하다. 24 1장이 세상에 대한 감사라면 2장은 자신에 대해 경계하는 것이다. 아침마다 가르침을 되새기라는 것이다. 나는 운이 좋아 좋은 사람들에게 많은 것을 배웠지만, 그렇지 않은 사람들도 많고 그들이 악을 행하더라도 해를 입지말고 미워하지마라는 26 
      
우주에는 섭리가 존재하고 순환하지만 우리에게 주어진 시간은 제한되기에 매일 인생의 마지막 날이라고 생각하고 살라고 저자는 생각한다. 사실 살 날이 그다지 많지않다면 욕심을 내거나 성낼 일도 그다지 많지않다. 그리고 정말 중요한 것에 집중할 수있다. 요즈음 읽고 있는 연을 쫒는 소년에서 보면 남주 아버지 파트너가 죽기직전 남주에게 그가 같이 자라온 이복동생 하산의 아들을 보다 좋은 환경으로 구출해달라고 부탁하는 것이 그 사례가 될 듯하다. 남주는 탈레반이 지배하는 위험한 아프간으로 갈 수밖에 없었는데 그가 불임이고 피붙이를 구하는 것이 생명체의 섭리이기도 하다. 29

하루하루 생명이 줄어든다고 고민하지말고 사물을 파악하는 이해력이 지속되도록 노력해야 한다. 치매가 발생하거나 건강하더라도 인류에 도움이 되는 삶을 살지않는다면 기생충과 다른 점이 무었인가? 죽는 것을 두려워하지말고 사회에 도움이 되도록 행동해야 한다. 목숨을 바쳐 자식을 구하거나 나라를 지키는 것은 치매가 발생하여 노망이 나도록 장수하는 것보다 모두에게 훨씬 좋은 삶이다. 34 저자는 목적없는 행동이나 그 원리에 완전히 따르는 것은 하지말라고 주장한다. 

생명체중의 하나인 인간은 대부분의 행동을 습관적으로 한다. 생각을 하면 열량소모가 많기에 대부분을 생각없이 관행대로 하곤 한다. 생존을 위해 먹고 자고 싸는 일은 습관적으로 해도 큰 무리가 없겠지만, 사회적인 동물이 사회적인 행동을 할 때는 생각할 필요가 있다. 쓸데없는 말을 해서 감정을 일으킨다든지 별 의미없는 행동으로 문제를 일으키지 말아야 한다. 꼭 필요하지않으면 하지않는 습관을 가질 필요가 있다. 두뇌도 열량을 소비하지만 행동역시 그렇기 때문이다. 생각해서 행동하는 것을 줄이면 가성비가 높은 소비가 된다. 43

저자가 전장을 누비면서 체력이 그와 달리 강했던 아들 콤모두스를 공동 황제로 즉위시켜 같이 전투에 참여했던 것은 이해가 된다. 아버지와 같이 현제는 아니었지만 평범한 수준은 되는 그가 폭제가 된 이유는 아버지의 병사후 가장 의지했던 누나가 원로원과 결탁하여 그를 죽이려했기 때문이다. 이후에는 의심이 되는 사람은 무조건 죽이게 되었고 결국 정부가 음식에 독을 넣었고 괴로워하는 그를 레슬링 교관이 목을 졸라 암살하게 된다. 그리고 권력은 군대로 이동하여 최악인 군인황제시대에 진입한다. 결국 후계양성이나 선택에 실패한 것은 현제 아울렐리우스의 최대 약점이 된다. 44

동침이 단지 성기의 마찰과 점액질의 분출이라고 인식했던 현제의 아내는 음란했다는 것도 참 우습다. 그런 아내에게 얻은 자식이 권력을 위해 찬탈을 시도하거나 폭군이 되었던 것은 어쩌면 당연한지도 모른다. 87 좋은일을 하고 욕을 먹는 것은 거룩한 일이라고 소크라테스의 제자인 철학자 안티스테네스가 말했다는데 이해가 될 듯 말 듯 어렵다. 96 저자는 쓴 오이나 가시덤불을 비켜가라고 주장한다. 하지만 길 가운데에 가시덤불이 있다면 치워야 하는 것이 아닐까? 118

나쁜 사람이 없을 수가 있을까? 좋고 나쁨은 상대적인 개념이다. 좋은 사람을 원하면 나쁜 사람도 피할 수없다. 피할 수없다면 인정하라. 그러면 미움이 사라진다. 136 예수는 왼빰을 때리는 사람에게 오른빰을 내주고 겉옷을 달라는 사람에게 속옷도 주라고 했는데 전지전능한 사람이 아니라면 양빰을 이유없이 계속 맞고 알몸으로 동사할 가능성이 더 크다. 그보다 현실적인 대응은 똥이 무서워서 피하는 것이 아니듯 멀리하는 것이고 피할 수없다면 사회권력을 이용하는 것이다. 그 것이 경찰이나 법원의 비용을 우리가 세금으로 충당하는 이유다. 

물론 그런 진상도 잘못된 환경에서 성장한 결과이므로 측은하게 여겨야 하지만, 그렇다고 꼭 피해자가 될 필요는 없다. 식인 호랑이는 인간을 해할 생각이 없었다. 다만 배가 고팟을 뿐인데 그렇다고 내 몸을 육신공양할 필요는 없다. 나는 호랑이보다 더 필요한 사람이 있을 것이기 때문이다. 물론 자살하고 싶다면 호랑이의 먹이가 되는 것도 나쁘지는 않지만, 그전에 마취를 통해 고통을 최소화할 필요가 있다. 139 불교에서 장수가 최대의 축복인 이유는 공덕을 쌓을 기회가 증가하기 때문이다. 결국 사회에 이롭게 하는 것이니 후손에게도 일부 돌아가니 나쁜 투자는 아니다. 153

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