I am Nothing - Ham Sok-Hon,

[씨알]

"I am Nothing"

by Ham Sok-Hon,

from his magazine, Voice of the People

Korea Quaker News, February 1979

I am Nothing

My wife, Dook Soon Whang died at 9:57 P.M. on May 8 after many years of illness. It was Mother's Day.

I had to leave home very early in the morning (5 A,M,) to go to Kwang Ju the day my wife died. I was supposed to give a lecture at the meeting of the Kwang Ju Presbyterian Teacher's Council. When I left my wife I sensed that she might pass away at any moment, since she had been so close to death so many times during the last few days.

But how could I know that it would happen this precise day! When we were waiting to begin the meeting till more members arrived, I received a phone call from Hong Nam Soon, our lawyer in Seoul. He recommended that I return as soon as possible. I could not leave right away though. I had two lectures at 3:00 and 8:00 P.M.

At the end of the last lecture, around 9:30 P.M., I told the audience: "Maybe my wife is breathing her last breath right at this moment. .."

I slept for a while on the train on the way home. Upon reaching Seoul station. I immediately hurried home. I found the house-lamp which said 'condolence' in front of our house.

I went into the house and lifted the sheet covering my wife. I stared at her face. It was so calm, as if she were sleeping. Her body seemed to be relaxed just like a dormant child, in contrast to the stiffness her hands and body had exhibited recently because of the severe pain. I gently covered her, and did not cry .

She had been self-sacrificing, obedient, and patient all her life, as her name, Soon, signifies. We got married, and she came to live in my household when she was sixteen years old. I am the oldest son in my family. Our household had around twenty members. Besides that we constantly had lots of guests staying at our place. The elders were quiet and would seldom talk to my wife still she would take care of the housework without a single complaint.

Later, when my elder sister and her eight children moved into my house because she was unhappy in her marriage, my wife cooked and took care of them also. She never yelled at anyone. she still never complained. She was our pride. All our family and relatives highly praised her. I am awed by the love, patience, strength, and sacrifice in her life.

In 1945 the communists killed and destroyed my family. I was forced to escape with nothing. I was deeply discouraged but my wife was not. In 1947 I crossed the 38th parallel and entered South Korea. My wife stayed behind with our children. She supported them herself. Carrying goods on her head, she went from door to door selling them in order to earn some money for food. She later crossed the 38th parallel, which was called "the line of death" because so many people had been killed trying to cross it. We could not have survived and fled to South Korea without her strength and courage. She provided me with endless support during the period when I was in and out of police stations and prisons.

In no way have I given her the love and self-sacrifice which she gave to me. I wonder why God did not take my life instead of hers. Several times when I went on round-the-world trips I had to leave her because of the seriousness of her illness. I don't know what I would have done without the help and care of Doctors Choi and Park who were willing to do everything on all occasions for my wife. They took care of her for nothing even helping me to pay the medical bills. When it was determined that she had Parkinson's Disease, there was no doubt in my mind that ..God punished her, in order to punish me. I truly began to learn about my life after my 70's. I am the one who was supposed to be chastised by God. However she was punished for me.

My greatest fault is that I never considered her a companion in my beliefs, I always wanted to be but never was like Gandhi. who taught lessons to his wife.

At the funeral I discovered that my children had a nick-name for their mother; "I am nothing." She never claimed anything for herself. When the funeral was over we came home and searched for her belongings, in order to keep them for her memorial. We found, literally, nothing. This encounter with a reality, that everyone knew and accepted, made me feel ashamed and sad. At the same time, I am glad and honored.

I present this essay to you, in memory of my wife.