July 27th, 2004

<STYLE>P{margin-top:2px;margin-bottom:2px;}</STYLE> July 27th <?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" /><o:p> </o:p> After I came to this country, for a little while, I couldn’t feel any homesickness.  But it didn’t take me long to taste the bitter loneliness and craving for my beloved people regardless of my status of living with my mom.  In the beginning, I missed everybody.  I missed my friends and all my families.  But that was it.  Unlike those fragile characters in comic books who cry until their pillow is soaking wet every night, I didn’t feel the pain piercing through my heart.  I assumed the people who drew those books were just being dramatic.  I believed that I might not be just as wimpy as others.  I thought I would be proud of that. <o:p> </o:p> Now, I have absolutely no intention to be proud of that because now I am feeling the pain. <o:p> </o:p> I remember the cliché that a person misses her home most when he is sick.  I guess I’m subject to that cliché.  Suffering from the constant headache and dizziness, the only thing I thought was that I was pathetic.  Tears didn’t stop coming flowing out of my puffy eyes.  Hanging to the only picture of my dad I have, I just couldn’t stop crying.  Strangely, now I couldn’t think of anybody else but dad.  I didn’t miss anything else in <?xml:namespace prefix = st1 ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:smarttags" /><st1:country-region><st1:place>Korea</st1:place></st1:country-region> but dad.  <o:p> </o:p> Coming home last night, I talked to my dad on the phone.  After our casual conversation tossing some silly jokes, when he suggested finishing the conversation, I couldn’t see anything since my eyes were full of tears again.  <o:p> </o:p> You know what, the weirdest and most scary thing is that I cannot even imagine my dad as an alive person just like me.  It feels like that he’s just a character like Sailor Moon on the TV, and I’m just talking to him just like I talk to Sailor Moon in my dream; I mean not literally, but hypothetically-_-.  I didn’t feel any empty space in my heart for my dad because it has been that way for more than year, and I can’t stand the fact.  That also doesn’t mean I don’t miss my dad; I miss him to death, but the most tragic thing is that his presence is not one of the biggest parts in my heart any more at least for now.  I feel guilty, I feel terrible, and I feel sad with this pain in my heart.  Now I regret that I treated my dad with nothing but apathy and immature indignation whenever he tried to help me ever since I became a junior high school student, but even if I fret about my past mistakes now, nothing can be done.  <o:p> </o:p> It is sad, but one of the biggest blessings my God has given me is my ability to stay rational even during my hardest moments.  Rather than spending my time penalizing myself for not being good to my dad so far, I dream of how happy our life would be once my study is over.  <o:p> </o:p> <o:p> </o:p> <o:p> </o:p> <o:p> </o:p> Thank you, my beloved Sassy’s English Studying Café members.  Thanks to your kind concerns, I’m fully energetic now even though I just found out 2 members of this café withdrew the membership of this café.  I’m very upset about this,(‘you don’t look upset,’ ‘it’s the botox, I can’t show emotion for another hour and a half.’   <- that was a joke. J) Well, I apologize. Hmmm. Lol Anyway, I am very sorry for those people who left us because they can’t share what we do.  And we’ll continue our journey towards our ultimate goal of the perfection in mastering this language. <o:p> </o:p> Thank you for all your prayers and concerns while I was away, and my beloved members, I’ll never stop, and to catch up with me, you guys should run your ass off too.  So, let’s go rock and roll!