I was okay the past few days, but today...
I did my home workout, ate breakfast, then started work.
Then mid-morning I felt a surge of sadness.
Like the emotion I felt last month (a day before B's news)
I started crying again non-stop this morning without any bad reason.
I got in the shower to calm myself down.
Then I was okay again, continued with my meditation, then back to work.
Then about an hour ago, I started crying so hard again.
I lit a scented candle about 10 minutes ago and watched the flame dance.
My eyes and cheeks are really red right now and my nose clogged because I just calmed down.
I think I am bit better again.
Overthinking here...
Why is this happening?
I think I just miss B?
Maybe, one of the reasons. Lots of people miss him.
I know I didn't get the chance to meet him up close & personal.
But I feel and know that there was a missed opportunity.
An opportunity that might have given me clarity and possibly a lasting friendship.
There were things left unsaid or even some unfinished business.
My what ifs again.
Something still feels heavy though.
Even if I see B smiling, happy and free in my dreams,
I still feel something heavy at times when I am awake.
I wish I could feel his happiness and his peace in the coming days, weeks, months.
But I hope he won't stop finding me.
Jinjin, MJ, Minhyuk, Dongmin, Sanha
I hope he visits you too.
I hope you see him happy.
Don't stop talking to him even if you don't see him.
He just might be there listening.
Remember that you are the most important thing in your life - YOU.
Put yourselves first in your life.
If you are tired, rest.
If you are unhappy, find a way for you to be happy without thinking about what others think.
Don't ever forget that.
Sanha,
I hope you're okay too.
I don't think I am supposed to share this but I need to.
I think it was a week ago, I had a dream about a younger you crying, crying out Bin's name.
And I was there giving you a hug and comforting you.
I hope you are okay.
We all need to grieve.
We all need to heal.
But we won't ever forget the best times, the happy times.
Thank you again for this medium to write whatever the F I want.
Love you all to the moon and back, always & forever.
I miss you, my moon wolf.
See you when I see you!
Che