8월16일(화) 자료

Huge change    Dear Annie: I am married with three children. Recently, my husband, without much research, discussion or preparation, decided that he was going to join the Army National Guard. (He had served in the Army before I knew him.) I know this is something he really wants to do, but I am worried about the impact his choice will have on me and our three children in the event he is called to duty. My husband always has worked and supported our family, although I will be working again once my youngest starts school this fall. I feel anxious because we are not prepared financially or emotionally for such a huge change. I can't help but think he is being too quick to make such a big step, and one that ultimately may jeopardize our family's stability. What do you say? -- Mixed Feelings in North Carolina Dear N.C.: Of course it will be a huge change if your husband is called to active duty, and that is a real possibility. This does not mean you can't weather the hardships as other military families do. As a former service member, your husband may truly feel that he should be in uniform. However, for him to make such a decision without first making sure his wife is in agreement may indicate that he prefers his obligations to his country over those to you. If that is the case, it bears discussing with him. Otherwise, we strongly recommend you contact the Army Reserve Family Programs Online at www.arfp.org to learn how to prepare for the possible changes to your lives. Dear Annie: My husband and I have been married for five years. We both are immigrants, although we came from different countries. Since we are not fluent in each other's native tongue, we speak English at home. Recently, my husband's college friends and their wives came for dinner. All of them are fluent in English, but during dinner, they chatted in my husband's native language. Of course, I was clueless about the discussion and sat there like a fool. It's not the first time this has happened. The next day, I brought it up to my husband and begged him, as a compromise, to at least translate some of the conversation. I'd like to get to know his friends better. Instead, my husband said he wouldn't do this, so he will no longer invite them over. This makes me sad. Is it appropriate for my husband to exclude me? He says I am making a big fuss over nothing. Am I? -- Hurt and Upset Dear Hurt: It is extremely rude to carry on a conversation in any language when one of those present cannot understand what is being said. This is particularly true when it is a social event and all of the guests are capable of speaking a common second language. However, you have been married to this guy for five years. Don't you think it's time both of you made the effort to learn each other's native tongue, so you are part of each other's culture and neither of you is left out of these conversations?   2005.07.27   Dealing with depression   Dear Annie: I'm a 35-year-old mother of five. In January, I was rushed to the hospital because I thought I was having a heart attack. It turned out to be a pulmonary embolism (a blood clot in the lungs). After leaving the hospital, I did everything the doctor told me. I quit smoking cold turkey after 20 years, and I changed my diet. Physically, I feel fine, but mentally, I'm losing it. I cry all the time. My husband and children have been wonderful and supportive, but they don't know how I really feel. (I tell them my eyes are puffy from allergies.) Please help me. -- New York Dear N.Y.: It is not unusual for a life-threatening event to cause depression. This is a natural reaction to stress and fear. And for some people, giving up smoking can cause depression all by itself. Instead of feeling empowered by your recent decisions, you are adrift.   Stop hiding from your family. Let them know you are depressed and you need some short-term professional help. Then go back to your doctor and ask for a referral to a therapist. Dear Annie: I read the letter from "Needing to Know," who discovered that her husband, "Buddy," has been seeing prostitutes. She asked why men do this. I did the same thing myself. It had absolutely NOTHING to do with my wife -- she was a wonderful woman and a passionate lover. But I was selfish and felt entitled to have whatever sex I wanted, anytime, anyplace. Did I compare these prostitutes to my wife? Yes, and not one of them could come close to satisfying me the way she did. The fact that I'm truly sorry doesn't change my betrayal. Men, don't be stupid. If you have a good wife, take care of her. -- Husband X Dear Husband X: We were amazed at the number of responses we received on this subject. Read on for some enlightenment: From Nevada: Most men see escorts because we are willing and nonjudgmental. He is never too old, too fat, too ugly, too bald. He never has bad breath, bad technique, bad manners. They like that we don't ask for commitments. Plus, we cater to fetishes. You'd be amazed how many clients tell us they love their wives. Some of us are married ourselves. We are just doing our jobs. I never heard of a husband who ran off with a hooker. Please tell that wife to relax. California: After four years of living together, the love of my life told me he had been going to prostitutes since he was 19. When I asked why, he said he was a sex addict and that it had nothing to do with me, my attractiveness or my sexual ability. Midwest: Buddy may have undiagnosed manic depression. Sexual deviance is a common sign of mania. Counseling and medication can help him. Thailand: There is another reason men wish to have sex with prostitutes: ready sex without having to create a relationship. Men have a sex drive that is more lustful than the average woman's, and can feel as casual about intercourse as shaking hands with a stranger. Kansas: For me, it was the sure thing. Even though I knew the ladies didn't mean what they said, I still needed to hear it. I liked the ability to talk sexually with them and how adventurous they were. Simply put, for money, I could get it when I wanted and as often as I wanted. N.Y.: I am a (female) retired New York state trooper. Most of the prostitutes I arrested had missing teeth, unhealthy stick-thin bodies from being addicted to drugs and looked prematurely aged. I also agree "Needing" should get tested for sexually transmitted diseases, as a majority of the hookers I arrested had at least one. California: Buddy doesn't suffer from "low self-esteem." He suffers from a lack of self-respect. I recommend counseling -- not from a psychologist, but from a pastor. Buddy is seeking redemption. Annie's Mailbox is written by Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar, longtime editors of the Ann Landers column.   2005.07.25