By Michael Jones
Improved relationships are a consequence of quality communication. When communication improves, often quality relationships follow. This means that much of our relationship problems are communications-related problems.
So, what precisely are some of the communication issues that cause relationship problems, and what can be done about it? There are many variables when it comes to quality or inferior communication within our relationships.
Two that are extremely vital are: the consciousness with which we communicate, and the assumptions we make when communicating.
Communicating without being actively conscious of the words you choose and use, results in employing default habits of word selection.
Fundamentally, our default word choices are often lazy choices. Such lack of effort leads to prejudicial, thoughtless and oftentimes ineffective word choices.
The result of this tends to be an inactive and disinterested listener, an offended listener or, worse, a hostile listener. In other words, communication failure.
Communicating with a mind full of unstated assumptions also leads to inferior communication. You've no doubt been privy to a conversation wherein someone guesses what's on your mind and tells you what you are thinking or feeling.
Probably, you've communicated with someone whose words make you feel unfairly judged. In each of these cases, you've been communicating with a person who has unchecked assumptions. Perhaps you yourself are guilty of communicating in such a way?
Regardless, the results are the same: an inactive and disinterested listener, an offended listener, or worse, a hostile listener. In other words, communication breakdown.
The solution is not simple. No true solution to communication is. Learning to communicate effectively is difficult and painstaking. It is also highly context-dependent.
However, learning to communicate well is incredibly rewarding, and will occur when and if a person chooses to do the hard work of learning and practicing. Assuming you will, here are two keys to improve upon these detrimental destroyers of quality communication.
The first, start to slow down, think and consciously choose words that are different than the standard default choices you're used to making. Or, at least be conscious of the default when using it. Try and choose the best possible word for the situation. Think through the intended effect of using such a word or term.
"Impossible" for example, is a destroyer of potential. It kills creativity. Instead, try a simplistic: "Let's check into that". "I'm busy" can stop a relationship dead in its tracks. It often sends the message of complete disinterest in the other. A bit of thought can replace that with, "Not right now. Can we discuss this later today?" Provided "later today" is followed through with, your alternative use of words states clearly your feelings for the importance of the relationship.
The second, check your assumptions, and stop relying completely upon them. If you're thinking something is true, and you're speaking as if it were: stop. First check that thought against reality. Directly ask the person you are talking to.
For example, recently I held an assumption that my friend was upset with me. As a result, my tone changed while talking with him. His tone changed in response to mine. Before things got louder and larger, I backed up and clarified my initial assumption.
"Were you initially upset with me? I'm reacting to a feeling I had about you." My friend responded, "no." From there, we were able to back up and repair the situation. The result: equilibrium. Relationships are difficult. Mostly, they are difficult because of flawed communication.
Two communication flaws that contribute to relational difficulties are the unconscious use of terms and words, and the unchecked assumptions we often hold when engaging with another person.
Working on changing these two flaws will have massive effect in the way in which you relate to yourself, the way you relate to others, and the way you relate to the world at large. Change your communication, change your life.
The writer is a member of Toastmasters International with an master's degree in communication. He is teaching tourism communication at a small university in Suwon. His email address is sevenethics@yahoo.com.