A letter to mums as we mark Mother’s Day during circuit breaker

[能田]

(Commentary Today Saturday 9 May 2020)

A letter to mums as we mark Mother’s Day during circuit breaker

By Yvonne Kong-Ho

This is what the author's children wrote about their plans for her on Mother's Day.

Photo courtesy of Yvonne Kong-Ho

Updated 09 May, 2020

Dear Fellow Mummies,

My kids excitedly asked me this week what I would like for Mother’s Day. I half-smiled and said: “Anything that’s from your heart, my dear”.

I know what I would be getting this Sunday: Breakfast in bed (I caught sight of my kids “secret”plan, stuck onto our family bulletin board.)

That would be nice. But what I really want is a two-hour massage and then curling up on the couch reading my favourite book.

How will you be celebrating Mother’s Day this year? Are you like me, still trying to recover from the pain of doing home-based learning with the kids and juggling work and household chores?

While browsing through my Facebook feed, a research report shared by Focus on the Family Singapore — a charity that promotes strong families — caught my eye. Partnering self-group groups, it had carried out an online survey from March 18 to April 20 of over 1,000 mothers. 

The results were quite sobering. In a way, they comforted me in an odd sense by making me realise that I was not alone in feeling stressed as a mother amid the Covid-19 pandemic and Singapore’s circuit breaker.

Six in 10 mothers polled rated their stress levels at a seven or higher, on a scale of one to 10. This is higher than the 52 per cent who said so in last year’s survey. 

The top three stressors which mums shared in this survey were:

• Coping with both work and family;
• Managing child(ren)’s behaviour, and
• Household management

The survey report says this suggests that mothers’ stress “has become magnified and amplified during Covid-19, when work and family have collided within our homes 24/7”.

Almost three out of 10 mums said they “feel sad most of the time” while the average sleep the respondents had was 6.14 hours a day, well below the eight hours recommended by doctors.

To be sure, these are highly uncertain times and the poll results are not shocking.

Furthermore, you may even agree with me that, once our kids arrive, stress inadvertently becomes a part of our life.

Till today, even as a mum of two, my own mother still calls me to ask if I have had my meals and to remind me not to use my phone when I cross the road. I suppose we would do the same when our kids become parents.

Thankfully, I do see more fathers stepping up in parental responsibilities today. It warms my heart immensely whenever I see fathers using baby slings and carriers to carry their babies at shopping malls.

I remember a heart-warming scene at a food court where a baby was crying in his pram and his mother was trying to carry him; only to be stopped by her husband who told her to continue her dinner while he looked after the baby.

Looking at the slightly-bewildered baby, his father animatedly pointed one finger at him and said: “You don’t disturb my wife’s dinner! I will handle you!”

He promptly put the baby into a baby carrier and walked off, leaving his wife to finish her food in peace.

While many fathers try to do their part, I understand why mothers sometimes find it hard to let go due to our guilt.

We wonder if we are doing enough for our kids. There are always things to worry about at every phase of a child’s life. Sometimes, Google becomes our greatest foe in parenting.

Is my baby meeting his milestones at the right time? How can I further develop my toddler’s intelligence? Any good tonic soups to boost the immunity of my family?

Some of us mummies have become Google, forum and online payment experts!

As Mother’s Day beckons this weekend, may I gently suggest all of us mummies to learn to give a pat on our own shoulders and tell ourselves that:

1) We are good enough.

I see you, staying up late till the wee hours of the morning to complete your own work after putting the baby to bed.

I see you, working hard to keep your business afloat during such trying times and getting insomnia from the bleeding numbers.

I see you, worried sick from your husband’s loss of income or job instability during this crisis while you do your best to stay upbeat and try to make every cent stretch.

We might not be perfect, but we are doing our best.

I would always remember what my Primary 6 teacher said: “Be willing to lose a battle in order to win the war”.

The most important thing is we must be well and healthy so as to give our families the greatest present - our presence.

So we need to know how best to manage and conserve our energy.

Think about this: There are always daily tasks to be done but after work, chores, children and all, what can we unwind to feel rejuvenated?

For some of us, it is baking or having a quick manicure. For others, it can be locking ourselves up in the bedroom for a quick nap. Let’s try not to feel guilty as we do need to practise some self-care.

2) We are certainly not alone.

May I suggest that on Sunday, we take a moment to rest and recalibrate. Put on that favourite dress and apply that lovely shade of lipstick that makes you glow if it makes you feel good.

Spray the perfume which you have been keeping for special occasions. Hug and kiss every child and say how privileged you are to celebrate Mother’s Day.

Tolerate the mess for a day and leave the cleaning for another day.

Do reach out to talk or seek some support if you find that your emotions are overwhelming you. Some of us are just tired and need to see some hope and light.

There will always be mummies here to walk with you.

As the saying goes, it takes a village to raise a child. I would say, it takes a village as well to see every woman blossom into the beautiful mum whom we can all be.

Let’s be part of the village, to lift up other mummies.

Happy Mother’s Day.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR:

Yvonne Kong-Ho works in a university, specialising in workforce development. She has a son aged 11 and a daughter who is nine.