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Part Four - Family and Society
Chapter - 19. Family
5) Conjugal Love
The Marriage Bond Is Divinely Sanctioned; it carries with it the promise of God’s blessing. The joys of conjugal love are a gift of God. Through bearing the fruits of conjugal love—children—we participate as cocreators with God. More than that, conjugal love can be a place to meet God and know God’s love in a most intimate and real way.
Father Moon teaches extensively on this topic: God created human beings to become complete through marriage. He offers much practical advice on how spouses can strengthen and renew their love. Yet, the mutual affection between husband and wife is only the half of it; more fundamental is the vertical link between God’s love and human love that is created through the blessing of marriage. The God of love created the human love between man and woman to mirror divine love. Hence it should be absolute, unchanging and unique: spouses should be as faithful to each other as God is to each of us as individuals. These days, when many people are questioning the value of marriage, people would do well to heed the voices of religion which lift up the place of marriage within the divine plan of life.
Several scripture passages ground marriage in the original plan which God instituted in the Garden of Eden. Here is Father Moon’s unique contribution: he explains how this original conjugal love was damaged by the Human Fall. As a result, conventional human love inevitably deviates from divine love, putting the ideal of marriage out of reach. A central purpose of Father Moon’s mission is to restore conjugal love to its original blessed state through the Holy Blessing Ceremony which he offers to all humankind.
1. Love and Affection between Husband and Wife
World Scripture
Sweet be the glances we exchange,
our faces showing true concord.
Enshrine me in your heart and let
one spirit dwell within us.
I wrap around you this my robe
which came to me from Manu,
so that you may be wholly mine
and never seek another.
Atharva Veda 7.36-37 (Hinduism)
Not those are true husband and wife that with each other [merely] consort: Truly wedded are those that in two frames, are as one light. Adi Granth, Var-Suhi-Ki, M.3, p. 788 (Sikhism)
Among His signs is that He created spouses for you among yourselves that you may console yourselves with them. He has planted affection and mercy between you. Qur’an 30.21
Set me as a seal upon your heart,
as a seal upon your arm;
For love is strong as death,
jealousy is cruel as the grave.
Its flashes are flashes of fire,
a most vehement flame.
Many waters cannot quench love,
neither can floods drown it.
If a man offered for love
all the wealth of his house,
it would be utterly scorned.
Song of Solomon 8.6-7
O that you would kiss me with the kisses of your mouth!
For your love is better than wine,
your anointing oils are fragrant,
your name is oil poured out;
therefore the maidens love you.
Draw me after you, let us make haste.
The king has brought me into his chambers.
We will exult and rejoice in you;
we will extol your love more than wine;
rightly do they love you.
Song of Solomon 1.2-4
Behold the comely forms of Surya! her border-cloth and her headwear, and her garment triply parted, these the priest has sanctified.
I take your hand for good fortune, that you may attain old age with me, your husband. The solar deities— Bhaga, Aryaman, Savitri, Purandhi— have given you to me to be mistress of my household.
Pushan, arouse her, the most blissful one; through whom a new generation will spring to life. She, in the ardor of her love, will meet me, and I, ardently loving, will meet her…
Live you two here, be not parted, enjoy the full length of life, sporting with your sons and grandsons, rejoicing in your own abode.
May Prajapati bring forth children of us, may Aryaman unite us together till old age, Not inauspicious, enter your husband’s house, be gracious to our people and animals.
Come, not with fierce looks, not harming your husband, good to animals, kind-hearted and glorious, a mother of heroes, loving the gods, pleasant, gracious to humans and to animals.
Make her, thou bounteous Indra, a good mother of sons; grant her good fortune; give her ten sons and make her husband the eleventh.
Be a queen to your father-in-law, a queen to your mother-in-law, a queen to your husband’s sisters, and a queen to your husband’s brothers.
May the universal Devas and Apas join our hearts together; so may Matarisvan, Dhatri, and Dveshtri unite us both. Rig Veda 10.85.35-47 (Hinduism)
Kwan-kwan go the ospreys, On the islet in the river. The modest, retiring, virtuous, young lady— For our prince a good mate is she. Here long, there short, is the duckweed, To the left, to the right, borne about by the current.
The modest, retiring, virtuous, young lady— Waking and sleeping, he sought her. He sought her and found her not, And waking and sleeping he thought about her. Long he thought; oh! long and anxiously; On his side, on his back, he turned, and back again.
Here long, there short, is the duckweed; On the left, on the right, we gather it. The modest, retiring, virtuous, young lady— With lutes, small and large, let us give her friendly welcome. Here long, there short, is the duckweed; On the left, on the right, we cook and present it. The modest, retiring, virtuous, young lady— With bells and drums let us show delight in her. Book of Songs, Ode 1 (Confucianism)
Kaen-kwan went the axle ends of my carriage, As I thought of the young beauty, and went to fetch her. It was not that I was hungry or thirsty, But I longed for one of such virtuous fame to come and be with me. Although no good friends be with us, we will feast and be glad.
Dense is that forest in the plain, And there sit the long-tailed pheasants. In her proper season that well-grown lady, With her admirable virtue, is come to instruct me. We will feast, and I will praise her: “I love you, and will never be weary of you.”
Although I have no good spirits, We will drink, and perhaps be satisfied. Although I have no good viands, We will eat, and perhaps be satisfied. Although I have no virtue to impart to you, We will sing and dance.
I ascend that lofty ridge, And split the branches of the oaks for firewood. I split the branches of the oaks for firewood Amid the luxuriance of their leaves. I see you whose match is seldom to be seen, And my whole heart is satisfied. Book of Songs, Ode 218 (Confucianism)
Teachings of Sun Myung Moon
Man and woman are God’s masterpieces. When they love each other centered on God, it is supreme, transcendental love, not worldly love. They feel that their love is the best of all loves; the most beautiful love, shining forever. Where can they experience and fulfill such love? Only in the family. (26:154, October 25, 1969)
A husband and wife love each other without conditions. Their love is unconditional. Their love is absolute, eternal love. (112:294, April 25, 1981)
When a husband and wife love each other, the man does not block his wife from entering deep into his heart. The woman likewise does not resist her husband. Even if impenetrable walls surround their hearts, love has no difficulty surmounting them. (49:52, October 3, 1971)
When you love your spouse, you feel your body’s desire to unite with your beloved. When husband and wife become one flesh in true love, they become inseparable. They can live in unity, loving each other forever. (187:47, January 6, 1989)
Why is marriage so important? It is the path to finding love. It is the path to knowing what love is. It teaches about life. Marriage joins the life of a woman and the life of a man. In time [through children], it joins the lineage of the man and the lineage of the woman. It thus begins a history, a nation, the world and the Kingdom of Heaven on earth. (279:114-15, August 1, 1996)
What is the Kingdom of Heaven as a couple? It is the state of matrimony where a man and woman are totally united as one. It is not like a typical marriage where in the beginning you tell your spouse, “I love you,” but after a few years you say good-bye and divorce… A heavenly couple is inseparable; they could lose their legs by exploding dynamite but still keep embracing with their upper bodies! That is possible only with true love. To achieve that kind of love, your mind and body must be completely united. Then you can attain the Kingdom of Heaven as a couple. (96:29, January 1, 1978)
The purpose of marriage is to synchronize the man’s heart and the woman’s heart to perfect their love. The wedding ceremony is a proclamation of the couple’s commitment and determination toward that goal. If you start with the goal to perfect your love and heart through your married life, you are on the way to fulfilling the ideal of family. If you actually fulfill it, upon your death you will certainly go to heaven, because your lives will be heaven. (97:277, March 26, 1978)
A man’s wife represents his mother; she contains elements of his mother as well. At the same time, she contains elements of his elder sisters, younger sisters, and indeed all the women in the world. When he loves his wife, who contains all these elements, he is loving his mother, his elder sisters and younger sisters, and indeed all the women in the world. Likewise, to woman, her husband represents and contains elements of her father, elder brothers, younger brothers and all the men in the world. In loving him, she loves her father, her brothers, and all the men in the world. This is the ideal of the family. (God’s Will and the World, September 21, 1978)
We marry for the sake of our partner. Therefore, the man should have the attitude that even if he finds some aspects of his wife unattractive, he will love her even more than if she were beautiful. This is the principled way of thinking. (97:321, April 1, 1978)
What is the solution for unity? It is the heart to love each other. Love can come from pity as well as from liking. Few couples love each other from the start. Love grows with time. A woman marries a man who is absolutely stubborn, and thinks the man is totally unlovable. Then the woman takes pity on him for the many obstacles that he must confront because of the stubbornness. Then, when her pity turns to love, the man can find solace in her. The woman might even find her husband’s stubbornness useful because she is not stubborn enough herself, and this way, turns his stubbornness to mutual advantage. So, love’s affection can bloom even from pity, and eventually lead to unity. (41:332-33, February 18, 1971)
Families that live in hardship are not necessarily unhappy. Sharing a single piece of bread, when the husband feeds his wife even though he does not eat, or the wife feeds her husband even though she goes hungry—how deep is the love in that family! (216:270, April 7, 1991)
A woman is better off taking a wild and rough man for a husband rather than one who is delicate and fine-featured. The husband-wife relationship brings together opposites. Therefore, a woman who takes a wild and tough man as her opposite partner will live happily. The wife who receives the love of such a husband is a happy wife. You women should not forget this, and encourage your husbands to be rough and tough.
It is the law of love that the strength of a man becomes like a gentle spring breeze in front of a woman. Among men matters are determined by the strongest fist, but in front of a beloved woman that fist becomes as soft as cotton. Therefore, a woman should not be afraid of a man who is wild and rough. Rather she should think that the stronger a man is, the more worthy he is to receive her love. (Blessing and Ideal Family 4.1.6)
Do you wish to become a loving couple that shines like the moon and even like the sun? Try to dig out all the beautiful points in your spouse. It may take a lifetime of digging, and still you cannot fathom them all. Finally when you arrive in the spirit world, you can plumb love’s deepest core.
Therefore, wives, study your husbands. You may think he is one way, but then you should discover another side of him. Study him from every possible angle, and you can see the whole universe in him. Then you can think he is more amazing than God! When you married him you saw him only through a small lens, from one direction, not from all directions. As long as you continue to regard him only from that narrow perspective, you cannot find ideal love. Over the years of living together you need to study him from every direction.
Do you have an unforgettable memory of your husband at his most charming? What is it? It is his body. So observe his entire body. After a fight, you glance at your husband and you will see his eyes blink. They blink just as your eyes blink. Observe carefully his breathing, his eyes, nose, lips and emotions—all these parts of him are just like you. The man you love exists for you, so you can never let him go.
If your heart never gets old, your love will never grow old either. Your life will never be boring and your lineage will endure forever. True love never grows old. It becomes more beautiful the older it gets. With such a heart you will always see your husband as the best-looking man in the world, and he will look at you as the most beautiful woman in the world.
It doesn’t matter that your wife looks unattractive; through the eyes of love, she is the most beautiful woman. Regardless of her form on earth, in the spirit world she will appear young and pretty, transfigured by the light of love that is brighter than any earthly light. A woman who places great store in her beauty is dismayed to see it fade as she grows old, and when she passes on to the other world she takes on an ugly appearance. On the other hand, a woman who shares a lifetime of love with her husband becomes beautiful in the other world. Her husband becomes the most handsome man.
The light of love is the highest form of light. Because it is the highest, it has the power to beautify anything. Therefore, think that the wife whom you love is the very light of heaven and earth. She is your love, your dream, your happiness, your freedom and your peace. Then when you go out of town, should you meet an alluring vixen you will not be tempted in the least. That temptress would appear like rotten fish in your eyes. There is no other way to beauty than by the love and light of God. (297:168-70, November 19, 1998)
A husband and wife are like partners. Just as people have different faces, they have different destinies. If a man has a bad fortune, but he marries a woman whose fortune is good, his fortune can change for the better. Conversely, if a wife’s fortune is bad but her husband’s is good, her fortune can change for the better.
Over time, the husband and wife balance their destinies, as if they are leveling a mountain and filling in a valley to make a plain. After leveling the ground, the husband and wife can do many things together, such as plowing the fields and cultivating diverse crops and trees. (God’s Will and the World, September 22, 1978)
Heaven starts in the family. Unless you can find God in your spouse, you cannot enter the Kingdom of Heaven. (Way of God’s Will 1.8)
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