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Hi, everyone!
In general, you did very well, and I am very happy about it. One problem I have noticed is the structure. Mindful of my tip not to automatically follow Korean structures, sometimes you unnecessarily tried to deviate from a Korean structure, even when Korean and English structures are very similar. And in some places you followed a Korean structure too closely.
Task paragraph
문명들중 유일하게 서구(the West)는 다른 모든 문명들 하나하나에 대대적이고 때로는 파괴적인 영향을 미쳐 왔다. 그 결과 서구의 힘과 문화와 다른 문명들의 힘과 문화와의 관계는 문명의 세계의 가장 뚜렷한 특성이다. 다른 문명들의 상대적 힘이 증가하면서 서구 문화의 매력은 감소되며 비서구인들의 자기들의 토착문화에 대한 자신감과 소신은 증가한다. 결과적으로 서구와 그 외의 문명들간의 관계에서 가장 핵심적인 문제는 서구--특히 미국--는 서구 문화의 보편화를 촉진시키려고 노력하지만 그렇게 할 수 있는 능력은 줄어들고 있는, 이 괴리현상인 것이다.
Original text
Alone among civilizations the West has had a major and at times devastating impact on every other civilization. The relation between the power and culture of the West and the power and cultures of other civilizations is, as a result, the most pervasive characteristic of the world of civilizations. As the relative power of other civilizations increases, the appeal of Western culture fades and non-Western peoples have increasing confidence in and commitment to their indigenous cultures. The central problem in the relations between the West and the rest is, consequently, the discordance between the West’s--particularly America’s--efforts to promote a universal Western culture and its declining ability to do so.
1. Alone among civilizations the West has had a major and at times devastating impact on every other civilization.
A. had ... impact 영향을 미쳐왔다
Alternative: exerted ... influence, made ... impact
Error: made ... influence
Make and influence do not fit; in other words, they are not the right collocation. -> BG 1 (Basic guidelines 1)
B. major and ... devastating impact on / ~에 대대적인 ... 파괴적인 영향을
Error: extensive and ... destructive influence [impact] on[over]:
Extensive and destructive are correct in meaning, but are not good collocates of influence or impact. To check this in the corpus, for impact, type major|extensive+impact and destructive|devastating+impact in the Bank of English. You will mostly get "major impact" and "devastating impact" and only a tiny number of "destructive impact". Also, you will see that this is always followed by on rather than by over. -> BG 4
C. at times 때로는
Alternative: sometimes
D. STRUCTURE: Alone among civilizations the West has had ... impact 문명들중 유일하게 서구는 ... 영향을 미쳐왔다
Error: Among [Of all] the civilizations, only the West has had ... impact / The West is the only civilization that has had ... impact
The Error structures are grammatically correct, but have a different focus. Their main concern is which civilizations have had a major and devastating impact. You look around different civilizations for their roles in the world and conclude that the West is the only one that had such an impact. In this case you can use these structures.
But the main concern of our text is not this, but what the West has done to other civilizations. So “alone among civilizations...” is just a small extra part of the discussion and the main point comes in the main clause: “the West has had a major... impact".
So follow this as a rule: put your main idea in the main clause. Here, the English structure coincides (일치한다) with Korean.
2. The relation between the power and culture of the West and the power and cultures of other civilizations is, as a result, the most pervasive characteristic of the world of civilizations.
A. relation 관계
Alternative: relationship
B. power and cultures 힘과 문화
Here, Huntington treats power as a noncount noun (불가산 명사) and culture as a count noun (가산 명사), as he considers that each civilization has a culture.
C. is /~는
Alternative: has become
If you want to use become, use the present perfect (현재 완료) because the relation is a pervasive characteristic now.
D. pervasive 뚜렷한
Alternative: prominent (feature), conspicuous (feature)
Error: distinguishing, distinctive, remarkable
Prominent and conspicuous (= easy to see) are used together with feature, but rarely with characteristic.
Pervasive here means “appearing strongly everywhere,” and there seems to be no Korean word to convey its full meaning; the word that comes closest seems to be 뚜렷한.
Distinguishing and distinct are used in the context of comparison. A distinguishing or distinctive feature means a feature that makes something different from other things. But here we are not comparing the world of civilization with anything. Remarkable means unusual and surprising. But in our text the characteristic is not meant to be surprising. -> BG 2
E. characteristic 특성
Alternative: feature
F. world of civilizations 문명의 세계
Error: civilized world
"Civilized world" means a world that has developed a civilization (문명화 된 세계). But in our text whether the world is civilized or not is not an issue. We are simply talking about the world where civilizations exist.
G. STRUCTURE: power and culture of the West and the power and cultures of other civilizations 서구의 힘과 문화와 다른 문명들의 힘과 문화
Alternative: power and culture of the West and those of other civilizations / West’s power and culture and other civilizations’ power and culture
Error: Western power and culture and those of other civilizations
English likes symmetry. But this construction lacks symmetry between the two sides--“Western power and culture” and “those of other civilizations"--because one side uses a possessive and the other uses of. True, this is not a serious problem, symmetry is not kept all the time, for various reasons, but it is good to keep it wherever possible.
You can learn more about symmetry in the following, very good writing guide: Strunk & White, The Elements of Style.
H. STRUCTURE: The relation ... is, as a result, the most pervasive characteristic 그 결과 ... 관계는 ... 가장 뚜렷한 특성이다.
Alternative: As a result, the relation ... is the most pervasive characteristic / This has made the relation ... the most pervasive characteristic
Error: This is the reason why the world of civilization has been characterized by the relation ...
The Error structure implies that there was previously a question of why the world is characterized by the relation. In our text, however, there was no such question; rather, this fact is being newly introduced.
3. As the relative power of other civilizations increases, the appeal of Western culture fades and non-Western peoples have increasing confidence in and commitment to their indigenous cultures.
A. increases 증가
Error: gets [becomes] bigger >> too informal and colloquial (구어체)
B. appeal 매력
Error: attractiveness
Attractive is used mainly in physical contexts (attractive woman) or practical contexts (attractive offer, attractive investment, attractive career opportunities, etc.)
C. fades 감소되며
Alternative: decreases
D. non-Western peoples 비서구인
Alternative: non-Westerners, non-Western people
In using the plural form peoples, Huntington considers that each civilization has a people.
E. confidence 자신감
Error: self-confidence, self-esteem, pride
Self-confidence and self-esteem mean positive thinking about one's self, and are different from confidence in one's culture. Pride means 긍지, which is slightly different from, though closely related to, 자신감.
F. commitment (to) 소신
Alternative: faith in, belief in, conviction in
Commitment is a very nice, and commonly used English word, which is nevertheless rarely used by Koreans, mainly because its meaning is hard to capture in Korean words. It means a strong, well-reasoned conviction in something. But it is a very action- oriented word: for instance, you can say that you make a commitment to do something or you have many commitments (things you’ve promised to do). There is no single Korean word that captures all these aspects of meaning. E-K dictionaries gloss the word as 헌신, 열심, 전념, etc., but none of these are fully adequate.
In our text, commitment means that people not only have conviction in their culture, but also actively participate in it. I chose 소신, although this word does not express the action aspect as strongly as commitment. For 소신, faith, belief, and conviction should be good. I hope you can now become familiar with the word commitment and use it more often.
G. STRUCTURE: non-Western peoples have increasing confidence 비서구인들의 ... 소신은 증가한다
Note that here the English structure deviates from Korean. It is quite common that a predicate in Korean (술어: 증가한다) is expressed as a modifier in English (수식어: increasing). For other instances:
@ In a growing number of American families, the woman is the sole wage earner. (Newsweek) > 여자 혼자 밥벌이를 하는 집이 늘고 있다.
@ 재미를 위해 주식투자를 한다는 사람이 크게 늘고 있다. > A fast-growing number of people say that they do stocks for fun. (My translation)
H. STRUCTURE: As the relative power ... increases, the appeal ... fades 상대적 힘이 증가하면서 ... 매력은 감소되며
Note the symmetry: "power … increases" <-> "appeal … fades"
But the next clause ("and non-Western peoples ... cultures") doesn't keep the same, symmetrical form. Why? This is my guess: The first two clauses form a nice symmetry on their own--something (power) goes up, and something (appeal) goes down. And the third is the main idea, to be expressed in a different structure so it can be distinguished from the two previous preparatory clauses.
4. The central problem in the relations between the West and the rest is, consequently, the discordance between the West’s--particularly America’s--efforts to promote a universal Western culture and its declining ability to do so.
A. the central problem 가장 핵심적인 문제
Alternative: core problem, key problem
Error: heart of the matter, biggest core question, most crucial issue
"The central problem" means the only central problem, whereas "a central problem" would mean one of many central problems. Hence, choosing the here implies that there is only one central problem, which is the discordance.
문제 here means trouble or difficulty, but "heart of the matter" and "biggest core question" do not really mean trouble. An issue means things people have dispute about, such as North Korea's nuclear weapons and US invasion of Iraq. But our text is not talking about what people dispute about, but what the trouble in the relation is.
B. relations 관계
Alternative: relationship
C. the rest 다른 문명들
Alternative: the other civilizations >> OK, but does not make a nice rhyme and symmetry with “the West."
D. consequently 결과적으로
Alternative: Therefore, As a result
The alternatives are OK, but try to avoid repeating the same expression; in other words, if you have used one above, use a different one now. This is another standard practice of good writing: choose variety.
E. discordance 괴리현상
Alternative: discrepancy, gulf, gap
Error: distance >> doesn’t have the connotation of “problem.”
F. efforts 노력하지만
Alternative: endeavors
Error: desire
G. STRUCTURE: promote a universal Western culture 서구 문화의 보편화를 촉진시키려고
Alternative: promote the universalization of Western culture -> Ga, Gb
As in the case of "increasing confidence" (3-G), an adjective (universal) is used in place of a Korean predicate (보편화) in the original text.
Ga. promote 촉진
Alternative: facilitate, accelerate
Error: expedite >> just means doing something quickly.
Ga. and Gb. are for the Alternative structure in G: "promote the universalization of Western culture".
Gb. universalization 보편화
Error: generalization
You can generalize an idea, but culture is not just an idea, as it includes lifestyles, institutions, etc. So it's awkward to say "generalization of Western culture".
H. declining 줄어들고 있는
Alternative: diminishing, fading, decrease
Error: diminished >> lacks the implication that the process is ongoing at present.
첫댓글 Thank you for your detailed explanation. I think I come to know where I am in my writing skills. ^0^