[아내론] 7. The Equity Model vs. The Unity Model Of Marriage

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7. The Equity Model Versus The Unity Model Of Marriage

Contemporary secular psychology advocates equity between married partners as the desirable balance in their relationship. Equity has an economic-political aspect, and a psychological aspect. Equal opportunity for women and men, and equal pay for equal work. Though this is not practiced in the majority of venues, it is the ideal that is upheld as right, and it is the law. In the psychological arena equity refers to the 50-50 model of sharing duties that ideally applies to workmates, roommates, couples living together, and married partners and their family. Everyone does their share as expected of them or as formally assigned by some procedure, and this has to reflect equitable and just proportions. No one should have to do more than any other relative to their share. The husband and the wife are told to negotiate some sort of equitable arrangement that gets the work done, each according to expectation or assignment. Who does the dishes; who takes out the garbage; who balances the check book; who remembers dates; who cares about appearance; who drives the kids somewhere; who gets to relax and be served; and so on.

Every day brings thousands of such mutualities of service and communal decisions. The occasion that gives psychologists to advocate the equity model is the sad statistic that the majority of married couples don’t get along well and there is much open or hidden anger and resentment between them. It is believed that the equity model might be a solution because a common symptom is that of the women complaining about the husbands with a long list of what they are not doing that is their share to do: helping with house tasks, helping with children, with cleaning, with guest lists and family dates, knowing when to initiate sex and when not, doing enough to comfort her, helping her with problems, letting her to take a vacation from routines by taking over, taking more responsibility for many things, and so on.

The theme in the complaints wives have of their husbands seems to be that they are not doing enough. Therefore psychology says to the husbands: you’ve got to do more in this relationship to make it work, and you need to increase all the way to 50-50 equity. This belief is based on the nonduality between husband and wife. It is a natural idea, not spiritual or rational. The principle of equity in husband-wife relations is so ubiquitous that it may be the most pernicious of all nondualities opposing conjugial union. The race of men is more corrupted than women because power by itself corresponds to a corporeal love that tends to corrupt the natural mind while it remains in an unregenerate state. The principle of equity in marital relations merely maintains the power advantage of men and this becomes their stumbling block on which they sacrifice conjugial union.

The duality of conjugial love is contrastive with the equity principle. Consider Rule 1 as discussed before:

RULE 1:

The first and only rule is that husbands are to learn to love acting from the wife, more than from self.

(See Chapter 9, Sections 3 and 4 for more discussion on Rule 1)

This idea is based on the absolute duality between husband and wife. Their relationship of unity must be based on distinctness and its perfection is that not a single trait of the husband overlaps with any trait of the wife. Instead, the traits of each is in a reciprocal relation, and this is what allows their perfect unity. Clearly then, making rules of nonduality between them could not work. Rather than looking for equity arrangements the husband must strive to learn what Rule 1 states: to love to act from the wife more than to love to act from himself. This orientation is based on acknowledging and honoring the absolute duality between them. He is to act from her half of the time, and the other half of the time from himself. This would be equity. Rather, he is to act from his wife 100 percent of the time. This is the meaning of Rule 1. If the husband would do this, the wife would not have any complaints, the psychologist would not be involved in mediation, and they would have peace and happiness together as a foretaste of the true peace and real happiness of heaven.

But is this possible? Is it even advisable? Show me where in the Writings this comes from.

And the answer comes from above: Study the Writings yourself and search and see if you can find doctrines that teach Rule 1. (See Chapter 9, Sections 3 and 4).

The male New Church mind can see this more and more as regeneration proceeds. It might be useful to list some of the results from my self-witnessing over the decades. Each item refers to conjugial things a husband is to do 100 percent of the time and anti-conjugial things he must do zero percent of the time. The items are stated in a general way so that each includes numerous particular items in that category (see next page):

Husband MUST DO All the Time

Husband MUST NEVER DO

always offer do it for her always let her decide whenever she wants to always think of her as perfect for you always gladly try to perform any request she makes always allow her to interrupt you (sentence or activity) always show attention to her always take her side on anything with anyone always allow her to complain without restriction or demanding reciprocation always allow her to throw a temper tantrum by not getting angry at her and not getting into a bad mood

never attach more importance to your point of view than hers never think your topic is to be handled before hers never choose something against her wish or preference never pressure her to go along with you or to change her mind never want to change her or think it never prefer to be with someone else (friend, family) or alone (activity) never complain about her or to her never show impatience, anger, or disapproval relating to her never act like you’re not available because busy with something “more important” going on never interrupt her when she is talking or doing something (wait for a proper moment when her focus is available again)

When you look at this list does your mind protest and want to say, But what about the wife? Doesn’t this apply to her too? Shouldn’t they each be doing these things? Etc.

This desire to balance the sides for husband and wife comes from nonduality in thinking about them as equal or in a continuous degrees rather than discrete. The New Church mind is capable of accepting the rationality and desirability of absolute thinking in husband wife relationship. When the husband thinks in his natural mind his logic then dictates equity and reciprocity as the appropriate and fair solution to all things between him and his wife. But when he thinks in his rational mind he allows the idea of non-reciprocity as fair and beneficial. The New Church mind can bring forth many things form the Writings to support non-reciprocity between conjugial partners. Equity opposes unity and imposes an external affiliation or partnership. Non-reciprocity opposes equity and imposes an internal union. (Section 1, this Chapter).

What happens when the husband backslides from these absolutes in the Table? Here are some of the results:

q       He allows himself to think of her as a nag or bitch or idiot.

q       He thinks and/or says denigrating things, criticizing her

q       He feels and shows anger, rage, and often threatens her

q       He refuses her when she makes certain requests

q       He picks and chooses which requests he agrees to depending on his preference, convenience, or philosophy

q       He asserts his turn to choose and makes her watch a movie she doesn’t want to

q       He neglects her in many ways and denies it

q       He is willing to see her stressed or distressed and not do much about it

q       He wants to retain some independence in areas he picks, giving her no say in the matter

q       He makes many mistakes that inconvenience her and feels little repentance or the desire to make up to her

q       He is romantically lukewarm at times, or frequently

q       He relaxes into male prerogatives, taking advantage of her obedience

q       He chooses when he is to prevail regarding choices of residence, career, budget, friends, family, schedules, recreation, housework

The nonduality model of marriage destroys the development of conjugial love and creates the various plagues listed above. In this fallen state the husband is totally ignorant of his wife’s sweetness and passion, for his negative behaviors suppress the expression‎ of the conjugial in her, turning her life into something harsh and unfulfilled. And yet husbands could enjoy this heavenly sweetness and passion if they only strive to follow Rule 1 and allow their wife to coach them in the process. It’s a choice they make between eternal life or spiritual death, between heavenly bliss and infernal misery. Regeneration is an awesome task, and self-witnessing disciplines are useful in helping the husband to learn to cooperate with his wife. It is this work of learning to cooperate with the wife that constitutes the arena for his regeneration. Every error brought to his attention must arouse the desire to repair and modify so that the progress is cumulative.

It stands to reason that there is no regeneration for the husband by himself, separate from his wife. The husband cannot accomplish this task by himself or from himself, but only from the Lord by his wife. He must appeal to the Lord daily, hourly, and by the minute, to receive from Him the motivation and persistence that it takes to succeed (see next page).

Self-Witnessing Exercise for Husbands—fill in today, and a month later, then monthly. Make a chart at the end of the year. Date:____________________	I knew it	I do it every day several times	I did not know it
YOUR SWEETHEART WIFE WANTS YOU TO:
Watch her walk away from you with romance in your eyes
Notice the work she does all the time by mentioning it with appreciation
Appreciate her style in everything and let her know with each thing separately (“That’s really cute.” “I really love that.”)
Laugh at her jokes and wit and show you’re having a great time
Admire her wisdom, intelligence, and perspective on things
Show that she is your favorite in everything (person, friend, lover)
Frequently express enthusiasm and passion for everything about her (“You’re so great!” “You’re really wonderful.”)
Give her things (presents, mementos, notes, nicknames, surprises)
Treat her all the time like she is special
Each time she needs it: console her, reassure her, protect her, look after her
Look for opportunities to touch her, hug her, hold hands, etc., (once an hour at least while you’re together)
Look for ways of communicating with her when separate (short phone calls, notes left around for her to find)

I call these behaviors “sweetheart rituals.” If it seems that they are somewhat exaggerated consider how people in love act together. Consider how you were together in that first flame of passion, even if it only lasted two weeks. It was a foretaste of heavenly union (CL 275). It is required that we prepare our mind for heavenly life. This is our regeneration process. The Lord can create a heavenly mind in us to the extent that we cooperate with Him. This is our cooperation: that we strive to follow “sweetheart rituals” all the time and allow ourselves no exceptions, ever. If we fail to follow any particular sweetheart ritual, we must immediately repent, reform, and modify.

Repent, reform, and modify. This is our breastplate of honor and virtue from the Lord. Repent, reform, and modify your behavior towards your sweetheart wife every minute you spend with her. Consider that conjugial love is not a status you achieve but a doing you maintain. If an angel husband in heaven would stop doing their celestial sweetheart rituals, he and his wife would be catapulted out of heaven, causing her great shame and distress.

Above all consider that conjugial love is the closest love to the Lord! Conjugial love is above all other loves and closest to the Lord (CL 222). There is no other way to get close to the Lord except through conjugial love. If there were another way, then this other love would be at the top, not conjugial love—and that love is then a usurper and a robber (John 10:1). Thus, we have no other choice but to learn to love sweetheart rituals above our own preferred male rituals from inheritance and hell.