What My Brain Tumor Taught Me About Trusting God

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What My Brain Tumor Taught Me About Trusting God
Tayler Beede

Today’s Truth

Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love, for I have put my trust /in you.

Show me the way () I should go, for to you I entrust my life. (Psalm 143:8, NIV)

Friend to Friend

Three and a half years ago I had basically no eyesight. I’d been /to three doctors /in one day. I sat nervously /in a dark room,

with nothing more /than a hospital gown and my quickly diminishing faith. Three and a half years ago I was in the ER /bout to find out () I needed brain surgery /to remove a large tumor /growing off my pituitary gland.

I prayed and prayed. “God, if you could just bring me through this I promise () I’ll never doubt you again.” Because surely,

if I got through that, everything else would seem like nothing. I wouldn’t need to worry about the smaller things /because heck,

I’D BE ALIVE. What more could I ask for?

Well, I got through surgery. In fact, it went so well /that they didn’t even have to put me /in ICU /afterwards /like they thought () they would. But I was terrified () I’d get a brain bleed, a spinal fluid leak, or one of the other million things () they said could happen. They sent me home /within three days. I ended up /in the ER twice /after they sent me home, once by ambulance.

It was a rough couple of weeks.

* If you get through a difficult or unpleasant period of time, you manage to live through it.

* ICU ; intensive care unit 중환자실

* the other million things () they said could happen =  they said that the other million things could happen.

I just kept thinking OK, God, get me through this one more thing . . . one more thing . . . one more thing.

But it never really ended. Once surgery was over it was recovery. And after that it was waiting /until my next brain scan.

And after that, well, going back to real life - work and a household on top of exhaustion and headaches. Oh yeah,

and a year - long wait until my next scan.

When does it ever end?

My last scan was clear, and I don’t go back /for a couple years now. But I still worry. I worry () my tumor will grow back.

I worry () my pituitary gland will stop working. I worry () it will cause more miscarriages. I worry () I won’t be able to breastfeed my son /as long as I’d like—or that maybe I won’t be able to breastfeed my next child. These thoughts go / through my head every day – because the trusting never ends.

Three and a half years ago it was “God, please keep me alive.” Then it was “I beg you to let me have kids someday” and now that I have my sweet son, after two miscarriages, it’s “Please, please, please keep him safe. Please don’t let me have anymore miscarriages. I want him to have siblings.”

Every day when my feet hit the ground I have to give that day—every hour, down to the second—to the Lord.

I try grasping at hope everywhere () I see it, but that doesn’t mean ()  it’s easy to trust. Five days before my surgery I had no idea () there was anything /going on /in my head. That’s a scary thought. But had I known the outcome, would it have been faith at all?

“Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen.” Hebrews 11:1

Faith doesn’t tell us to take a leap in the dark. It tells us to trust our never failing God /with a perfect track record. Faith proves the reality of things //that cannot be seen /by the bodily eye. It means () we are in full approval of all () God has revealed as holy, just, and good.

Faith, by nature, is trusting God with the unseen. And when you have a lot of unseens, you just have to keep on trusting.

I look back /on that incredibly rough year—of surgery, and endless blood draws, and MRIs, and waiting, and hoping

—and I wouldn’t trade it for anything. I learned to persevere, trust, and hope /like I never thought () I could. I prayed more than I probably did in my first twenty years combined.

I got a small taste of what it’s really like to trust God /when it isn’t easy - because life isn’t easy. But that’s why we have to place our ultimate hope in Him.

“I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble.

But take heart! I have overcome the world.” John 16:33

Take heart, my friends. Faith isn’t easy, but peace is so freeing. Just trust Him.

* Take heart definition: If you take heart from something, you are encouraged and made to feel optimistic by it.

Let’s Pray

Dear Lord, this life can be so, so hard sometimes. And the scariest part is that we never know what the next day will bring.

This can cause great anxiety, but it also draws us to place our trust in you. I know that you are working every little thing

/together /for your purpose and plan. Let each and every day bring me word of your steadfast love, because I place my trust in you.
In Jesus’ Name,
Amen.