PART I // chapter 1-4

[모나리자]

노파는 주머니에서 열쇠를 더듬어 찾아낸 뒤, 커튼 뒤로 다른 방으로 사라졌다. 방 한가운데에 홀로 서 있던 청년은 호기심 어린 눈으로 귀를 기울이며 생각했다. 그는 그녀가 서랍장을 여는 소리가 들렸다. "아마 맨 위 서랍일 거야." 그는 생각했다. "그래서 그녀는 오른쪽 주머니에 열쇠를 넣고 다닌다. 모두 강철 고리에 한 뭉치로... 그리고 거기에 열쇠가 하나 있는데, 다른 모든 열쇠보다 세 배는 크고 홈이 깊게 패여 있다. 서랍장의 열쇠일 리가 없다... 그럼 다른 상자나 금고가 있을 거야... 알아둘 만한 가치가 있어. 금고에는 항상 그런 열쇠가 있어... 하지만 얼마나 굴욕적인 일인가." 노파가 돌아왔다. "자, 선생님: 우리는 한 달에 루블 10코펙을 받으니까, 저는 한 달치 1루블 반에서 15코펙을 미리 빼야 해요.

하지만 내가 전에 빌려준 2루블에 대해, 당신은 지금 같은 계산으로 20코펙을 미리 내게 빚지고 있습니다. 그러면 모두 35코펙이 됩니다. 그러니 시계값으로 1루블 15코펙을 줘야 합니다. 여기 있습니다." "뭐! 지금은 1루블 15코펙뿐이에요!" "그렇죠." 청년은 이의를 제기하지 않고 돈을 받았습니다. 그는 노파를 바라보았고, 여전히 말하고 싶은 것이나 하고 싶은 것이 있는 듯 서둘러 떠날 생각은 없었지만, 자신도 무엇인지 잘 몰랐습니다.

"알료나 이바노브나, 하루나 이틀 후에 다른 것을 가져다 줄지도 몰라요. 값진 물건, 은제품, 담배갑을 친구에게서 돌려받는 대로..." 그는 혼란스러워하며 말을 끊었습니다. "음, 그때 이야기해 봅시다, 선생님." "안녕하세요. 당신은 항상 집에 혼자 있나요? 여동생이 당신과 함께 있지 않아요?" 그는 복도로 나가면서 가능한 한 태연하게 그녀에게 물었습니다. "그녀가 당신과 무슨 상관이신가요, 선생님?" "아, 별거 아니에요. 그냥 물어본 거예요. 너무 성급하시네요... 안녕, 알료나 이바노브나." 라스콜니코프는 완전히 혼란스러워서 나갔다.

이 혼란은 점점 더 심해졌다. 그는 계단을 내려가다가 갑자기 어떤 생각이 떠오른 듯 두세 번이나 갑자기 멈추기도 했다. 거리에 나갔을 때 그는 "맙소사, 이 모든 게 얼마나 역겨운지! 그리고 내가, 내가... 아니, 말도 안 되는 소리야, 헛소리야!"라고 단호하게 덧붙였다. "그리고 어떻게 그런 끔찍한 일이 내 머릿속에 떠오를 수 있을까? 내 마음이 얼마나 더러운 일을 할 수 있을까. 그래, 무엇보다도 더럽고, 역겹고, 역겨워!—그리고 한 달 동안 나는..." 하지만 어떤 말이나 감탄사도 그의 동요를 표현할 수 없었다. 그가 늙은 여자에게 가는 길에 그의 마음을 억압하고 괴롭히기 시작한 강렬한 혐오감은 이제 너무도 극에 달했고 너무도 확실한 형태를 띠어서 그는 자신의 비참함에서 벗어나기 위해 무엇을 해야 할지 몰랐다. 그는 지나가는 사람들을 개의치 않고 술 취한 사람처럼 보도를 따라 걸으며 그들과 몸을 부딪혔고, 다음 거리에 도착했을 때에야 정신을 차렸다. 주변을 둘러보니 그는

자신이 보도에서 지하실로 이어지는 계단으로 들어가는 선술집 근처에 서 있다는 것을 알았다. 그 순간 술 취한 두 남자가 문에서 나와 서로를 욕하고 부축하며 계단을 올랐다. 라스콜니코프는 생각할 겨를도 없이 즉시 계단을 내려갔다. 그때까지 그는 선술집에 들어간 적이 없었지만, 지금은 어지러움을 느꼈고 타오르는 갈증에 시달렸다. 그는 차가운 맥주 한 잔을 갈구했고, 갑작스러운 허약함을 음식이 없어서라고 생각했다. 그는 어둡고 더러운 구석에 있는 끈적끈적한 작은 테이블에 앉았다. 맥주를 주문하고 첫 잔을 열렬히 비웠다. 그는 금세 기분이 편해졌고 생각이 맑아졌다. "그게 다 헛소리야." 그는 희망에 차서 말했다. "그리고 걱정할 게 하나도 없어! 그저 신체적 이상일 뿐이야.

맥주 한 잔, 마른 빵 한 조각만 있으면—그리고 순식간에 뇌가 강해지고, 정신이 맑아지고, 의지가 확고해진다! 하, 이 모든 게 얼마나 완전히 하찮은가!" 하지만 이런 경멸적인 반성에도 불구하고 그는 갑자기 끔찍한 짐에서 벗어난 것처럼 쾌활해 보였다. 그리고 그는 방 안의 사람들을 우호적으로 둘러보았다. 하지만 그 순간에도 그는 이 행복한 마음가짐이 정상이 아니라는 희미한 예감이 들었다. 당시 선술집에는 사람이 거의 없었다. 계단에서 만난 술 취한 남자 두 명 외에도 콘서티나를 든 여자 한 명과 남자 다섯 명으로 이루어진 무리가 동시에 나갔다. 그들이 떠나자 방은 조용하고 텅 비어 있었다. 여전히 선술집에 남아 있던 사람들은 술에 취한 듯 보이는 한 남자와, 맥주 한 병 앞에 앉아 있는 술 취한 사람이었고, 그의 동료는 키가 크고 통통한 체구에 회색 수염을 기른 ​​남자로

짧고 긴 치마를 입고 있었다. 그는 몹시 취해 있었고, 벤치에서 잠이 들었다. 가끔은 마치 잠에서 깨는 것처럼 손가락을 꺾고, 팔을 벌리고 몸의 상체를 벤치 위에서 껑충껑충 뛰면서, 의미 없는 후렴구를 흥얼거리며 다음과 같은 대사를 떠올리려고 했다. "그의 아내는 1년 동안 사랑했다.


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The old woman fumbled in her pocket for her keys, and disappeared behind the curtain into the other room. The young man, left standing alone in the middle of the room, listened inquisitively, thinking. He could hear her unlocking the chest of drawers. “It must be the top drawer,” he reflected. “So she carries the keys in a pocket on the right. All in one bunch on a steel ring.... And there’s one key there, three times as big as all the others, with deep notches; that can’t be the key of the chest of drawers... then there must be some other chest or strong-box... that’s worth knowing. Strong-boxes always have keys like that... but how degrading it all is.” The old woman came back. “Here, sir: as we say ten copecks the rouble a month, so I must take fifteen copecks from a rouble and a half for the month in advance.
 
But for the two roubles I lent you before, you owe me now twenty copecks on the same reckoning in advance. That makes thirty-five copecks altogether. So I must give you a rouble and fifteen copecks for the watch. Here it is.” “What! only a rouble and fifteen copecks now!” “Just so.” The young man did not dispute it and took the money. He looked at the old woman, and was in no hurry to get away, as though there was still something he wanted to say or to do, but he did not himself quite know what.


“I may be bringing you something else in a day or two, Alyona Ivanovna—a valuable thing—silver—a cigarette-box, as soon as I get it back from a friend...” he broke off in confusion. “Well, we will talk about it then, sir.” “Good-bye—are you always at home alone, your sister is not here with you?” He asked her as casually as possible as he went out into the passage. “What business is she of yours, my good sir?” “Oh, nothing particular, I simply asked. You are too quick.... Good-day, Alyona Ivanovna.” Raskolnikov went out in complete confusion.

This confusion became more and more intense. As he went down the stairs, he even stopped short, two or three times, as though suddenly struck by some thought. When he was in the street he cried out, “Oh, God, how loathsome it all is! and can I, can I possibly.... No, it’s nonsense, it’s rubbish!” he added resolutely. “And how could such an atrocious thing come into my head? What filthy things my heart is capable of. Yes, filthy above all, disgusting, loathsome, loathsome!—and for a whole month I’ve been....” But no words, no exclamations, could express his agitation. The feeling of intense repulsion, which had begun to oppress and torture his heart while he was on his way to the old woman, had by now reached such a pitch and had taken such a definite form that he did not know what to do with himself to escape from his wretchedness. He walked along the pavement like a drunken man, regardless of the passers-by, and jostling against them, and only came to his senses when he was in the next street. Looking round, he noticed 


that he was standing close to a tavern which was entered by steps leading from the pavement to the basement. At that instant two drunken men came out at the door, and abusing and supporting one another, they mounted the steps. Without stopping to think, Raskolnikov went down the steps at once. Till that moment he had never been into a tavern, but now he felt giddy and was tormented by a burning thirst. He longed for a drink of cold beer, and attributed his sudden weakness to the want of food. He sat down at a sticky little table in a dark and dirty corner; ordered some beer, and eagerly drank off the first glassful. At once he felt easier; and his thoughts became clear. “All that’s nonsense,” he said hopefully, “and there is nothing in it all to worry about! It’s simply physical derangement.

Just a glass of beer, a piece of dry bread—and in one moment the brain is stronger, the mind is clearer and the will is firm! Phew, how utterly petty it all is!” But in spite of this scornful reflection, he was by now looking cheerful as though he were suddenly set free from a terrible burden: and he gazed round in a friendly way at the people in the room. But even at that moment he had a dim foreboding that this happier frame of mind was also not normal. There were few people at the time in the tavern. Besides the two drunken men he had met on the steps, a group consisting of about five men and a girl with a concertina had gone out at the same time. Their departure left the room quiet and rather empty. The persons still in the tavern were a man who appeared to be an artisan, drunk, but not extremely so, sitting before a pot of beer, and his companion, a huge, stout man with a grey


beard, in a short full-skirted coat. He was very drunk: and had dropped asleep on the bench; every now and then, he began as though in his sleep, cracking his fingers, with his arms wide apart and the upper part of his body bounding about on the bench, while he hummed some meaningless refrain, trying to recall some such lines as these: “His wife a year he fondly loved His wife a—a year he—fondly loved.” Or suddenly waking up again: “Walking along the crowded row He met the one he used to know.” But no one shared his enjoyment: his silent companion looked with positive hostility and mistrust at all these manifestations. There was another man in the room who looked somewhat like a retired government clerk. He was sitting apart, now and then sipping from his pot and looking round at the company. He, too, appeared to be in some agitation.