Finding Beauty in the Mess
HEATHER AVIS
“To all //who mourn in Israel he will give: beauty for ashes; joy
instead of mourning; praise instead of heaviness …”
Isaiah 61:3a (TLB)
“Heather, I’m so sorry to tell you this, but it seems as though you will not be able to have children naturally.”
My doctor’s words pierced my already wounded heart and quickly made
their way through my body /threatening to consume me.
He continued to
explain how the previous tests and procedures had led him to this
conclusion, but I’d already heard all () I needed to hear … I wanted to get
out of there. [The next thing () I remember] was walking through the sea of
pregnant women /in the waiting area and rushing for the door.
Once my feet hit the sidewalk, I gasped for air, crying hysterically.
I made my way /to my car, the world before me a hopeless blur. When I
arrived home I collapsed on my bed, desperate for God, but too broken to
pray.
Three years on this painful path of infertility lead me to a
seemingly hopeless place. I was certain () there was only one way for me to
become a mother. With the confirmation of my broken womb, I mourned the
loss of my fertility and watched my dreams burn up around me /until [all
//that remained] was a pile of ashes … it was my worst-case scenario.
But here’s the thing /about our worst-case scenarios: They are powerless /against an all-powerful God.
Ten years have passed since that dark day.
This morning, like most mornings, the pitter-patter of tiny feet
/making their way /across the hardwood floors woke me.
I sat up in bed and
was promptly tackled by my curly haired, sparkly girl: “Good morning
mommy!”
* pitter-patters. To make or move with a series of light tapping sounds: rain pitter-pattering on the roof.
Before I could respond, two more sets of happy eyes and wiggly limbs
climbed onto my bed, forcing me to lie back down for morning snuggles.
You see, I thought () there was only one way for me to become a mom. But
in the ashes of my pain and desperation, small bright green buds began
sprouting up all around me. As God set me on a path toward adoption, I
soon found strength in place of my fear.
Over the years, as I brought not one, not two, but three children
home to be mine, the gladness of motherhood overshadows the mourning of
infertility. And on days like today, as I lie in the very bed //where I
once wept out of desperation, I am overwhelmed with peace.
The truth is: [This one beautiful life () we get to live] is
messy. So often we trip over our hopes and desires, only to fall into
the messes () we’ve been avoiding all along. [What I’m discovering] is when
we fall into the very mess () we hoped to avoid,
we often find God’s
goodness there.
My three children may not have my eyes, but they do have my heart and
call me Mom.
And they have shown me that my finite plans will always be
overshowed by an infinite God.
Maybe today you find yourself sitting in a pile of ashes, feeling
desperate. While our hopes and desires and plans for our lives are
finite, [an infinite God //Who loves us] can take our messiest messes and
make something beautiful.
Heavenly Father, thank You for the hope () I have /knowing () You take
my messy life and make it beautiful.
Give me [the patience () I need] /to wait
on You and eyes to see the masterpiece taking shape. In Jesus’ Name,
Amen.