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How to Set Boundaries and Build Better Relationships
Tina DonvitoTina Donvito
Updated: Jan. 19, 2023
a yellow smiley face ball between two traffic boundary cones on pink background
If you feel like you don't have any more to give, it might be time to learn how to set boundaries at work, at home and in your relationships.
Here, experts explain the steps to take.
We’ve all experienced an overbearing friend, a super-demanding boss, overstepping in-laws or significant others who seem to make our decisions for us.
But instead of accepting many of the annoying behaviors that often make us unhappy, we can learn how to set boundaries to better communicate how we feel and take more control over how we’re treated in our relationships.
Although it may sound like boundaries keep people out, it’s actually the opposite.
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RD.COM Relationships
How to Set Boundaries and Build Better Relationships
Tina DonvitoTina Donvito
Updated: Jan. 19, 2023
a yellow smiley face ball between two traffic boundary cones on pink background
TMB STUDIO
If you feel like you don't have any more to give, it might be time to learn how to set boundaries at work, at home and in your relationships. Here, experts explain the steps to take.
We’ve all experienced an overbearing friend, a super-demanding boss, overstepping in-laws or significant others who seem to make our decisions for us.
But instead of accepting many of the annoying behaviors that often make us unhappy, we can learn
how to set boundaries to better communicate how we feel and take more control over how we’re treated in our relationships.
Although it may sound like boundaries keep people out, it’s actually the opposite.
“Many might think boundaries are limiting to building connections, but they empower authenticity from both parties,” says Helene Lerner, author of Time for Me: Self-Care and Simple Pleasures for Women Who Do Too Much and founder of WomenWorking.com.
“Boundaries create a relationship that is truly shared—it’s not just one person catering to another but an exchange, with two people having their needs met.”
Sounds good, right? Unfortunately, many people have a hard time setting boundaries and an even harder time keeping them.
“It takes courage for many of us to set healthy boundaries, because we may be afraid that if we do, we’ll lose someone we care about,” Lerner says.
Then, if someone crosses our boundaries after we’ve communicated them, it can be difficult to stick to them because of this fear.
“If we are used to people-pleasing
or acquiescing because of the fear of loss, then what were we really getting out of that relationship? Not a whole lot,” Lerner says. “Do we really want someone who doesn’t respect our needs?”
you’re always feeling like others ask too much of you and you’re reaching a breaking point, you’re not alone: According to a 2022 YouGov survey, 49% of Americans (including 56% of women) identify themselves as people pleasers who have a hard time saying no and instead put others’ needs ahead of their own. These are signs it’s time to think about how setting boundaries might help you feel more empowered.
Consider boundary setting your new self-care routine: Putting yourself first can help you maintain your identity, ensure you’re in healthy relationships and prevent others from taking advantage of you. “Boundaries are an essential part of any kind of relationship,” Lerner says. For example, after we’ve grown up, setting boundaries with parents often becomes necessary; so if your nosy mother is always in your business, let her know you need her to back off. “Relationships change, and if your mother wants you in her life, she needs to respect your autonomy and what you need,” Lerner says.
Setting boundaries in relationships is also part of learning how to create a positive attitude for yourself, clear your mind to live more intentionally, set goals for what you really want, have better time management by sometimes saying no and better enjoy spending time with family by making your connection healthier.
Types of boundaries
If you’re wondering how setting boundaries can do all that, it’s because there are so many types of boundaries to set. “There are six types of boundaries,” Tawwab explains. They include:
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Physical: Standing too close or unwanted hugging, handshakes or other touch
Sexual: Molestation, assault or sexual jokes
Intellectual: Name calling, yelling or ridiculing someone for what they believe
Emotional: Oversharing, gossiping or invalidating someone’s feelings
Material: Borrowing and not returning an item or returning borrowed items in worse condition
Time: Asking for free help, calling or texting too late, or overcommitting
Each type of relationship may deal with varying boundaries. In exploring how to set boundaries with friends, for instance, you may need to create time, emotional or material boundaries. Setting boundaries at work may involve creating time, physical and emotional boundaries with colleagues.
“When something doesn’t feel right, create a boundary and communicate that boundary with others,” Tawwab says. Learning how to set boundaries in the different areas of your life can give you more agency and control, improve your mental health and self-confidence, and lead to more moments of joy instead of the dread of obligation.
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RD.COM Relationships
How to Set Boundaries and Build Better Relationships
Tina DonvitoTina Donvito
Updated: Jan. 19, 2023
a yellow smiley face ball between two traffic boundary cones on pink background
TMB STUDIO
If you feel like you don't have any more to give, it might be time to learn how to set boundaries at work, at home and in your relationships. Here, experts explain the steps to take.
We’ve all experienced an overbearing friend, a super-demanding boss, overstepping in-laws or significant others who seem to make our decisions for us. But instead of accepting many of the annoying behaviors that often make us unhappy, we can learn how to set boundaries to better communicate how we feel and take more control over how we’re treated in our relationships. Although it may sound like boundaries keep people out, it’s actually the opposite.
“Many might think boundaries are limiting to building connections, but they empower authenticity from both parties,” says Helene Lerner, author of Time for Me: Self-Care and Simple Pleasures for Women Who Do Too Much and founder of WomenWorking.com. “Boundaries create a relationship that is truly shared—it’s not just one person catering to another but an exchange, with two people having their needs met.”
Sounds good, right? Unfortunately, many people have a hard time setting boundaries and an even harder time keeping them. “It takes courage for many of us to set healthy boundaries, because we may be afraid that if we do, we’ll lose someone we care about,” Lerner says. Then, if someone crosses our boundaries after we’ve communicated them, it can be difficult to stick to them because of this fear. “If we are used to people-pleasing, or acquiescing because of the fear of loss, then what were we really getting out of that relationship? Not a whole lot,” Lerner says. “Do we really want someone who doesn’t respect our needs?”
How to be happy often depends on facing this fear of loss or rejection by learning how to say no, how to create work-life balance and how to stand up for ourselves and our identified non-negotiables. “We should set boundaries with family, at work, in romantic relationships, in friendships and with technology,” says licensed therapist Nedra Glover Tawwab, the New York Times bestselling author of the inspirational book Set Boundaries, Find Peace and the upcoming Drama Free: A Guide to Managing Unhealthy Family Relationships. “These areas are the top places most people struggle.” Read on for tips from our experts on exactly how to set boundaries.
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What are boundaries?
“Boundaries are expectations and needs that help you feel safe and comfortable,” Tawwab says. “It’s knowing when to say no and when to say yes. Creating healthy boundaries leads to feeling calm, loved and respected.”
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If you’re always feeling like others ask too much of you and you’re reaching a breaking point, you’re not alone: According to a 2022 YouGov survey, 49% of Americans (including 56% of women) identify themselves as people pleasers who have a hard time saying no and instead put others’ needs ahead of their own. These are signs it’s time to think about how setting boundaries might help you feel more empowered.
Consider boundary setting your new self-care routine: Putting yourself first can help you maintain your identity, ensure you’re in healthy relationships and prevent others from taking advantage of you. “Boundaries are an essential part of any kind of relationship,” Lerner says. For example, after we’ve grown up, setting boundaries with parents often becomes necessary; so if your nosy mother is always in your business, let her know you need her to back off. “Relationships change, and if your mother wants you in her life, she needs to respect your autonomy and what you need,” Lerner says.
Setting boundaries in relationships is also part of learning how to create a positive attitude for yourself, clear your mind to live more intentionally, set goals for what you really want, have better time management by sometimes saying no and better enjoy spending time with family by making your connection healthier.
Types of boundaries
If you’re wondering how setting boundaries can do all that, it’s because there are so many types of boundaries to set. “There are six types of boundaries,” Tawwab explains. They include:
ADVERTISEMENT
Physical: Standing too close or unwanted hugging, handshakes or other touch
Sexual: Molestation, assault or sexual jokes
Intellectual: Name calling, yelling or ridiculing someone for what they believe
Emotional: Oversharing, gossiping or invalidating someone’s feelings
Material: Borrowing and not returning an item or returning borrowed items in worse condition
Time: Asking for free help, calling or texting too late, or overcommitting
Each type of relationship may deal with varying boundaries. In exploring how to set boundaries with friends, for instance, you may need to create time, emotional or material boundaries. Setting boundaries at work may involve creating time, physical and emotional boundaries with colleagues.
“When something doesn’t feel right, create a boundary and communicate that boundary with others,” Tawwab says. Learning how to set boundaries in the different areas of your life can give you more agency and control, improve your mental health and self-confidence, and lead to more moments of joy instead of the dread of obligation.
One little green ball within a wooden box, many pink balls outside the box on yellow surface, view from directly above
PM IMAGES/GETTY IMAGES
How to set boundaries
OK, so how do you put those boundaries in place? Here are some specific steps and tips from our experts on the best ways to set boundaries.
1. Think about where to draw the line
Before you talk to the person you intend to set boundaries with, determine what you are no longer able to put up with. “Be honest with yourself. What are you willing to tolerate?” Tawwab says. “Setting successful boundaries begins with you. Learn your capacity.”
This might mean setting a time by which you absolutely need to leave work (forget quiet quitting—you need to state your boundaries out loud to your boss) or after which you won’t answer phone calls from that friend who always wants to discuss the latest drama at midnight. Ignore any guilt about what the other party might feel—this is about you and not being taken for granted.
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2. Practice out loud
You’ll need to have an honest conversation with the person you’re setting boundaries with, and this can be scary at first, especially for people who tend to avoid conflict. “If you are not used to setting boundaries, role play with a trusted friend or practice in front of a mirror,” Lerner says. “When you do it out loud, it lessens the discomfort of a new behavior. You may feel less uneasy going into the real conversation.”
Still need a mental push? Try creating a goal-setting vision board that celebrates your plan to put your foot down.
As you learn how to set boundaries and get more adept at it, the need for this practice will lessen. “Like any other muscle, the boundary muscle gets stronger the more you use it,” Lerner says. “Enjoy your inner gym!”