PART 2 // chapter 1-1

[모나리자]

그래서 그는 아주 오랫동안 누워 있었습니다. 가끔 그는 깨어나는 듯했고, 그런 순간에 그는 밤이 깊어졌다는 것을 알았지만, 일어나야겠다는 생각은 하지 않았습니다. 마침내 그는 날이 밝아지기 시작했다는 것을 알았습니다. 그는 등을 대고 누워 있었고, 최근의 망각으로 여전히 어리둥절했습니다. 거리에서 두렵고 절망적인 외침이 날카롭게 울려 퍼졌고, 그는 매일 밤, 실제로 오후 2시가 지나면 창문 아래에서 그 소리를 들었습니다.

그들은 지금 그를 깨웠습니다. "아! 술 취한 사람들이 선술집에서 나오고 있어." 그는 생각했습니다. "오전 2시가 지났어." 그는 마치 누군가가 그를 소파에서 끌어낸 것처럼 즉시 벌떡 일어났습니다. "뭐! 오후 2시가 지났어!" 그는 소파에 앉았고—즉각적으로 모든 것을 기억해냈습니다! 갑자기, 순식간에 그는 모든 것을 기억해냈습니다. 처음에는 자신이 미쳐가는 줄 알았습니다. 끔찍한 오한이 그를 덮쳤습니다. 하지만 오한은 오래 전에 잠에서 시작된 열병 때문이었습니다.

이제 그는 갑자기 격렬한 떨림에 사로잡혀 이가 딱딱 부딪히고 온 몸이 떨렸다. 그는 문을 열고 귀를 기울이기 시작했다. 집안의 모든 것이 잠들어 있었다. 그는 놀라움에 찬 눈으로 자신과 주변 방의 모든 것을 바라보며, 전날 밤에 문을 잠그지 않고 들어와서 옷을 벗지 않고 소파에 몸을 던지고 모자도 벗지 않은 채 어떻게 그럴 수 있었는지 궁금해했다. 모자는 떨어져서 베개 근처 바닥에 놓여 있었다. "누군가 들어왔다면, 그는 어떻게 생각했을까? 내가 취했다고 생각했지만..." 그는 창문으로 달려갔다.

충분히 밝았고, 그는 서둘러 머리부터 발끝까지, 모든 옷을 뒤지기 시작했다. 흔적이 없었을까? 하지만 그렇게 할 수는 없었다. 추위에 떨면서 그는 모든 것을 벗고 다시 살펴보기 시작했다. 그는 모든 것을 마지막 실과 헝겊까지 뒤집어보고, 자신을 불신하며 세 번이나 수색했다. 하지만 아무것도, 흔적도 없는 듯했다. 한 군데, 엉긴 피가 엉긴 두꺼운 방울이 그의 바지의 닳은 가장자리에 달라붙어 있는 곳을 제외하고는.

그는 큰 칼을 집어 올려 닳은 실을 잘랐다. 그 이상은 없는 듯했다. 갑자기 그는 지갑과 늙은 여자의 상자에서 꺼낸 물건들이 여전히 주머니에 있다는 것을 떠올렸다! 그는 그때까지 그것들을 꺼내서 숨기는 것을 생각하지 못했다! 그는 옷을 살펴보는 동안에도 그것들에 대해 생각하지 못했다! 그 다음에는? 그는 즉시 그것들을 꺼내서 테이블에 던지기 위해 달려갔다.

그는 모든 것을 꺼내고 주머니를 뒤집어서 아무것도 남지 않았는지 확인한 후, 그 더미 전체를 모서리로 옮겼다. 종이가 벽 바닥에서 떨어져 나와서 헝겊 조각으로 걸려 있었다. 그는 모든 물건을 종이 아래의 구멍에 집어넣기 시작했다. "안에 들어 있어! 모두 보이지 않아, 그리고 지갑도!" 그는 기쁘게 생각하며 일어나서 그 어느 때보다 더 튀어나온 구멍을 멍하니 바라보았다.

갑자기 그는 공포에 몸을 떨었다. "맙소사!" 그는 절망에 빠져 속삭였다. "나한테 뭐가 문제야? 숨겨둔 거야? 그렇게 해서 물건을 숨길 수 있는 거야?"

그는 숨길 장신구가 있을 줄은 몰랐다. 그는 돈만 생각했기 때문에 숨길 곳을 준비하지 않았다. "하지만 지금, 지금, 뭐가 다행이지?" 그는 생각했다. "그게 물건을 숨기는 거야? 내 이성이 나를 버렸어—그냥!" 그는 지쳐서 소파에 앉았고, 또다시 견딜 수 없는 떨림이 밀려왔다. 그는 기계적으로 옆에 있는 의자에서 옛 학생의 겨울 코트를 꺼냈다. 그것은 여전히 ​​따뜻했지만 거의 누더기였고, 그것을 몸에 두르고 다시 한 번 졸음과 섬망에 빠졌다.

그는 의식을 잃었다. 5분도 지나지 않아 그는 두 번째로 뛰어올라 즉시 미친 듯이 다시 옷 위로 달려들었다. "아무것도 하지 않고 어떻게 다시 잠들 수 있겠어? 그래, 그래; 팔구멍에서 고리를 풀지 않았어! 잊었어, 그런 걸 잊었어! 그런 증거 조각!" 그는 올가미를 풀고 서둘러 조각조각 자르고 베개 밑의 린넨 사이에 던졌다.

"찢어진 린넨 조각은 무슨 일이 있어도 의심을 불러일으킬 수 없어. 나는 그렇지 않다고 생각해, 나는 그렇지 않다고 생각해, 어쨌든!" 그는 방 한가운데 서서 반복했고, 고통스러운 집중력으로 다시 주변을, 바닥과 모든 곳을 바라보며 아무것도 잊은 게 없는지 확인하려고 했다. 그의 모든 능력, 심지어 기억력, 그리고 가장 단순한 반성력조차도 그를 배신하고 있다는 확신은 참을 수 없는 고문이 되기 시작했다. "아마도 이미 시작되지 않았겠지! 틀림없이 나에게 벌이 오고 있지 않아? 오고 있어!"

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So he lay a very long while. Now and then he seemed to wake up, and at such moments he noticed that it was far into the night, but it did not occur to him to get up. At last he noticed that it was beginning to get light. He was lying on his back, still dazed from his recent oblivion. Fearful, despairing cries rose shrilly from the street, sounds which he heard every night, indeed, under his window after two o’clock.

They woke him up now. “Ah! the drunken men are coming out of the taverns,” he thought, “it’s past two o’clock,” and at once he leaped up, as though someone had pulled him from the sofa. “What! Past two o’clock!” He sat down on the sofa—and instantly recollected everything! All at once, in one flash, he recollected everything. For the first moment he thought he was going mad. A dreadful chill came over him; but the chill was from the fever that had begun long before in his sleep.

Now he was suddenly taken with violent shivering, so that his teeth chattered and all his limbs were shaking. He opened the door and began listening—everything in the house was asleep. With amazement he gazed at himself and everything in the room around him, wondering how he could have come in the night before without fastening the door, and have flung himself on the sofa without undressing, without even taking his hat off. It had fallen off and was lying on the floor near his pillow. “If anyone had come in, what would he have thought? That I’m drunk but...” He rushed to the window.

There was light enough, and he began hurriedly looking himself all over from head to foot, all his clothes; were there no traces? But there was no doing it like that; shivering with cold, he began taking off everything and looking over again. He turned everything over to the last threads and rags, and mistrusting himself, went through his search three times. But there seemed to be nothing, no trace, except in one place, where some thick drops of congealed blood were clinging to the frayed edge of his trousers.

He picked up a big claspknife and cut off the frayed threads. There seemed to be nothing more.Suddenly he remembered that the purse and the things he had taken out of the old woman’s box were still in his pockets! He had not thought till then of taking them out and hiding them! He had not even thought of them while he was examining his clothes! What next? Instantly he rushed to take them out and fling them on the table.

When he had pulled out everything, and turned the pocket inside out to be sure there was nothing left, he carried the whole heap to the corner. The paper had come off the bottom of the wall and hung there in tatters. He began stuffing all the things into the hole under the paper: “They’re in! All out of sight, and the purse too!” he thought gleefully, getting up and gazing blankly at the hole which bulged out more than ever.

Suddenly he shuddered all over with horror; “My God!” he whispered in despair: “what’s the matter with me? Is that hidden? Is that the way to hide things?”

He had not reckoned on having trinkets to hide. He had only thought of money, and so had not prepared a hiding-place. “But now, now, what am I glad of?” he thought, “Is that hiding things? My reason’s deserting me—simply!” He sat down on the sofa in exhaustion and was at once shaken by another unbearable fit of shivering. Mechanically he drew from a chair beside him his old student’s winter coat, which was still warm though almost in rags, covered himself up with it and once more sank into drowsiness and delirium.

He lost consciousness. Not more than five minutes had passed when he jumped up a second time, and at once pounced in a frenzy on his clothes again. “How could I go to sleep again with nothing done? Yes, yes; I have not taken the loop off the armhole! I forgot it, forgot a thing like that! Such a piece of evidence!” He pulled off the noose, hurriedly cut it to pieces and threw the bits among his linen under the pillow.

“Pieces of torn linen couldn’t rouse suspicion, whatever happened; I think not, I think not, any way!” he repeated, standing in the middle of the room, and with painful concentration he fell to gazing about him again, at the floor and everywhere, trying to make sure he had not forgotten anything. The conviction that all his faculties, even memory, and the simplest power of reflection were failing him, began to be an insufferable torture. “Surely it isn’t beginning already! Surely it isn’t my punishment coming upon me? It is!”