The Cat in the Hat Movie Script

<H2>Cat In The Hat Script</H2><PRE> [Narrator] There are gajillions of stories... of mischief and fun, but to keep things simple, let's start with just one... about a mom and two kids... and a house and a hat... that, oddly enough, was worn by a cat. But soon enough we will get to all that. In the valley that stretches from this hill to that hill, a city is nestled... that city is Anville. - [Kid] Hurry up! We'll miss the movie! - Any more tutti-frutti? I'll check. Thanks! [NarratorContinues] It's a town that's not huge, but quite big enough... for buyers and sellers to sell and buy stuff, from shoes and shirts... and elongated ladders... to sailboats and gibble-grated berry-juice bladders. [Horn Honks] So ourstory begins at the corner ofMain and Montroob... in the spotless real estate offiice... run by Hank Humberfloob. [Woman] Humberfloob Real Estate. How can we make yourdreams come true? [People Chattering] What do you mean, you're leaving? You're a babysitter. Babysitters don't leave. They sit. Baby-leavers leave. I'm sorry. I really gotta go, Miss Walden. Well, I need to come home right away. All right. Thank you, Amy. Sorry. [Sighs] Attention, everyone! It's 9:02. Staff meeting! Staff meeting! [All Gasping, Murmuring] Look alive, everyone.! First I'd like to welcome aboard... our newest member of the Humberfloob family, Jim McFlinnagan! - Mr. Humberfloob, I wanted to thank you... - [All Gasping] Fired. I beg your pardon? Fired. B-But l... Fired! One, two, three, four, fiive, six, seven, eight, nine, 10! As you know, tonight is our bimonthly"meet and greet" party. Tonight's host is... Joan Walden. This is where people can meet our real estate agents... in an informal, yet hygienic setting. Mr. Humberfloob, I have to get home to my kids. Ah, yes. Your children. Joan, let me make this perfectly clear. If your house is as messy as last time, you're fiired! [Employees Gasping, Murmuring] That's pretty clear, Mr. Humberfloob. Don't worry. I promise. My kids'll be on their best behavior. Great. [Phone Rings] [Woman] Humberfloob Real Estate. How can we make yourdreams come true? Please hold. [Narrator] Lfyou leave Humberfloob's and turn left onto Main, three miles down you'll fiind Lipplapper Lane, a pleasant-enough street in a pleasant-enough way... where a neighbor greeted neighbor with a neighborly"Hey.!" Hey! Hey! Here the hedges were hedged, the weeds were all weeded, and lawns were mowed daily, twice daily ifneeded. And at the end ofthis street, in a house like any other, something magical would happen... to a sisterand her brother. [Barking] [Barks] Shh! Nevins! Stealth mode. Today's to-do list. Number one: Make to-do list. Number two: Practice coloring. Number three: Research graduate schools. Number four: Be spontaneous. Number fiive: Create lasting childhood memories. And numbersix: Amend will. What is he doing? [Sighs] [Whines] [Beeps] Number 10: Make tomorrow's to-do list. Ladies and gentlemen! [Nevins Barking] Nevins, your attention, please. You are about to witness the third most spectacular stunt... ever performed under this roof! Do you know how hard it's getting to tell people that we're related? Relax. I'll put everything back. [Whining] And now, for the indoor stair luge! Indoor stair luge? I'll have to add this one to my list. Go have no fun somewhere else. It... is... showtime.! - [Whimpers] - [Grunts] Whoa.! [Yelling] - Aah! - Yeah! [Groans] - [Woman] Oh, my word.! - [Nevins Barking] Nevins! Nevins, come back.! Hey, Mom. What's up? You are so lucky you didn't ruin this dress. Mom, I know you're angry, but there's something you need to know. This was all Sally's fault. Oh, really? And how, exactly, was it Sally's fault? Give me a minute. I'm workin' on it. Save it, Conrad. Why today? Why did you have to pick today to destroy the house? You know what's happening today. I tried to tell him, Mom. "Mom's throwing a very important party," I said. "All ofher important clients will be here." But he went right ahead and wrecked the house and let Nevins get away. Now, again, I hope you're going to ground him. Yes, Sally, for a week, but that's none of your business. Aweek? Come on. Two days. I asked you to do one thing today, Conrad... keep the house clean. Do you know how frustrating it is that you're always doing the exact opposite of what I say? Knock, knock, knock. [Growling] Someone lose a dog? I found him next door... in my yard... again. You are a saint. And here I thought you were only dating me for my good looks. Lucky us. Larry Quinn is here. Hey-a, sport. Call me Lawrence. Okay? You rescued Nevins! Thanks, Lawrence! It was my pleasure, Sally. Anything for my little princess. Oh, I don't wanna be a princess. In a constitutional monarchy parliament has all the real power. I see. Okay, that's great. Uh, look, pal, be a sport. Why don't you go tidy up the living room. Okay...dude? I don't have to listen to you, Larry. Conrad, do what Lawrence says. Have you given some thought about the Wilhelm Academy? You mean the Colonel Wilhelm Military Academy forTroubled Youth? That's the one, Joan. I'm not sure it's right for Conrad. Oh, Joan, Joan. Joan, Joan, Joan. I have so much respect foryou, Joan. Single mother, careerwoman, raising two children on your own, and still fiinding time to be the best darned real estate agent in town. I know how hard it is, Joan. It is hard. Oh... I know. And I know how hard you're trying. This is a once-in-a-lifetime proposition, and you must act now. The Colonel Wilhelm Military Academy forTroubled Youth... is what we call in the sales game a win-win scenario. A top-flight military school, and it's only... eight hours away. [Phone Rings] Oh, the phone. [Phone Rings] I heard what you said. I'm not going to military school, Larry. Look, buddy, I know I'm not your dad... and this is probably really strange foryou... your neighbor's dating your mom. But here's the thing, son. Come here. I don't like you either. But I'm gonna marry your mom. And if it was up to me, you'd be at military school today. I'm not going to military school. Ohh! I think you're gonna love it. It's just like summer camp, except with brutal forced marches... and soul-crushing discipline. And one more thing... It's Lawrence, you snot-nosed son of a... wonderful woman who I'm absolutely crazy about! [Grunting] Oww! Gosh, I love children! Oh, Joan, I didn't see you there. Would you be a doll and help me bring up chairs from the basement? Nothing would give me more pleasure, Joan, but I do have to run. I have a very important sales conference downtown. Oh. Okay. - Well, I'll see you at the party tonight. - Sure. Mom, that guy's a total phony. You can't let Larry... It's Lawrence, Conrad. [Doorbell Rings] Kate's Catering. I'm here to do your party tonight. Oh, hi. Where's Kate? I'm Kate. Oh. Okay. Right this way, Kate. Mom, you've gotta listen to me... [Phone Ringing] Quiet! Two weeks ago you said you would... [Joan Screams] I "specialed" it. See? Quiet! Nevins! [Ringing Continues] I said quiet! [Ringing] Joan Walden Real Estate. Be it ever so humble, there's no place likeJoan. This is Mr. Humberfloob. - Oh, hi, Mr. Humberfloob. - Joan, I need you to come back to the offiice. - Today? - Yes, Joan. - No problem? - No problem at all. Great! - [Gasps] - What's going on, Mommy? Mommy has to go back to the offiice. Oh! I hope Mrs. Kwan can babysit. - Not Mrs. Kwan! - [Doorbell Rings] Oh! Hi, Mrs. Kwan. Hi. I'm running late. Thanks for babysitting on such short notice. Mmm, yeah. Okay, Mrs. Kwan. Oh-oh-oh! I'll be back in a couple ofhours. Hi. Conrad's grounded, so no video games. Sally? Last chance. If you wanna make cupcakes, I can take you to your friend Ginny's house. - [Growling] - Ginny's not my friend anymore. Last time we made cupcakes she wanted to be the head chef. I'm the head chef. What about Denise, then? She talked back to me, so I ordered her not to speak to me anymore. - And you don't like bossy? - I won't tolerate it. Right. Well, if you're both staying, remember the rules. Conrad: No playing ball in the house, no fiighting, no answering the phone, "City morgue." Mommy, can't I have some rules? No chewing tobacco. Thanks, Mom. You have my word. And absolutely no one sets foot in the living room, or else. Orelse what? You're gonna do what Larry said and send me to military school? Maybe if you'd just behave, I wouldn't have to consider military school. I wish I could trust you. I wish I had a different mom. Well, sometimes I wish the same thing. [DoorOpens] [DoorSlams] Mmm. Good luck with your meeting. [Car DoorCloses] [Grunting] Children, would you like to watch television with me? - We don't have to tell your mother. - [TV: Channel Changing] - [Speaking Chinese] - [Yelling] [Together] Taiwanese parliament. [TV: Yelling, Blows Landing] You tell them, Kwi-Chang! No more big government! [TV: Karate Yells] Rip his heart out.! [TV: Blows Landing, Yelling Continue] [Snoring] [Whimpers] Hit me! [Sighs] [Narrator] So they slumped in theirchairs, too glum to complain, and to make matters worse, it started to rain. [Butterfly Yelps] They sat in the house... on that cold, cold, wet day... with no fun to have... and no games to play. They couldjust stare out the window... or perhaps get a nap in, and hope that something, anything might happen. Quit bothering the fiish. I know. Quit bothering the fiish. Spit hand! Oh, gross! Get that away from me! Get it away! [Loud Bump] [Narrator] Then something went bump. - What was that? - [Barks] How that bump made themjump. [Nevins Continues Barking] [Loud Bumping Continues] I think it came from the closet. [Loud Crash] [Grunts] Conrad? Conrad. Come on, Conrad. [Screams] [Laughing] You shouldn't scare people. You should've seen the look on your face. It was like you saw a monster... A monster? Where? That could've gone better. [Wheezing Laugh] [Both Screaming] [Sally] What was that? [Conrad] I don't know. Looked like a humongous cat. "Humongous"? I prefer the term "big-boned" or"jolly." Now, what are we hiding from? [Chortling] [Both Screaming] Thatwas a giant cat. But that's impossible, isn't it? It's entirely impossible. You know, I like this hiding place a lot better. They'll never fiind us here. Scream and run. [Both Screaming] And there they go. Who are you? Who? Me? Why, I'm the Cat in the Hat. There's no doubt about that. I'm a "super-fun-diferous" feline... who's here to make sure that you're... Meeline? Key lime? Turpentine? I got nothin'. I'm not so good with the rhyming. Not really, no. Look, I'm a cat that can talk. That should be enough foryou people! [Muttering] I can talk.! I'm a cat.! Yes.! [Chortling] Where did you come from? Hmm, how do I put this? When a mommy cat and a daddy cat love each othervery much, they decide that... Oh, no, no, no, no. Where did you come from? My place! Where do you think? [Snickering] No, how did you get here? I drove! Look, I've been here two whole minutes, and no one has offered me a drink. Harumph! - Sorry, Mr. Cat. Would you like some milk? - Milk? Ecch! No! Lactose intolerant. Gums up the works. Oy. You'll thank me later. [Wheezing, Chortling] - [Singer Laughing] Wipeout.! - Hello! @�@?SurfRock] Surf s up! [Chuckles] Yeah! Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo! Yee-hee-hee! Nice spread you got here. Homina-homina-homina-homina! Who is this? Ohh! That's my mom. Awkward, yeah. Yes, this place will do quite nicely, actually. Yeah. Although those drapes are a train wreck. [Chortling] [Snoring] And this is the lumpiest couch I ever sat on. Who is this dreadfully uncomfortable woman? Get offher. That's our babysitter. What the... Babysitter? You don't need one of those, do ya? Let me get this straight. You pay this woman... to sit on babies? That's disgusting! I'd do it for nothing! [Laughing Loudly] Hmm! Now, let's see what the old "phunometer" has to say. - "Phunometer"? - Yeah. It measures how fun you are. [Chortling] Hi. [Bell Dings] Huh? Ohh. Ah. Control freak. Yeah. Now you. [Whispers] Hi. How are ya? - [Bell Dings] - Whoa! [Whimpering] Oh. Tap it. Listen, kid, you can tap it with a hammer, it ain't gonna change. Just as I suspected. You guys are both out of whack. You're a control freak, and you're a rule-breaker. That'll be $700. Who's your insurance carrier? - So, what do we do? - Well, there are two treatments I'd recommend. One is a series of painful shots injected into your abdomen and kneecap. And the other... involves a musical number! @�@?Orchestra:Fanfare] @ Me-Me-Me-Meow @ How many shots? [Wheezing] "How many shots?" Aren't you precious? [Gasps] Maestro! @�@?Orchestra:Introduction] @ I know it is wet @ @ And the sun is not sunny @ [Thunderclap] @ But we can have lots of good fun that is funny @ [Both Groan] @ It's fun to have fun @ @ But you got to know how @ [Gagging] - [Vomits, Liquid Splatters] - [Both Gasp, Groan] Hair ball. @ I know lots of good tricks and I'll... @ Stop this right now.! Huh? - Who said that? - Me! Remember? The fiish? Came home in a Baggie, loved me for two weeks, and then nothing! - The fiish is talking! - Well, sure, he can talk. But is he saying anything? No, not really. No. [Fish] Hey, Socks, can it.! This cat should not be here. He should not be about. He should not be here when your mother is out. Come on, kids! You gonna listen to him? He drinks where he pees! @�@?Salsa] @There was this cat I knew back home where I was bred @ @ He never listened to a single thing his mother said @ @짩e never used the litter box He made a mess in the hall @� @That's why they sent him to a vet @ @To cut offboth his ba... @ ba... ba... @ Boy, that wasn't fun, fun, fun @ @ He never learns You can have fun, fun, fun @ But less is more! @They may ship you off to school so rein it in a little @ @ We can't spell "fun" without "U" in the middle @ Human, this cat is currently in violation of... 17 ofyour mother's rules.! [Rings] City morgue! - Eighteen! - [Laughing] [Crowd Cheering, Applauding] - Ol�! - [Bull Growling] Ooh! [Screaming] @ You can juggle work and play but you have to know the way @ @ You can keep afloat a wish like the way I do this fiish @ @� You can be a happy fella Someone throw me that umbrella @� @ And that rake, that cake Life's what you make it @ @ So have fun, fun, fun @ @ Go insane and have some fun, fun, fun @ @Just look at me Fun, fun, fun @ @ No more rain Look, it's the sun, sun, sun @ @ So can't you see I'm as happy as a clam I'm as fiit as a fiiddle @ @ Yeah, the dogs may bark about you @ @ And the purebred chaps may doubt you @ [Fish] Getting motion sickness.! Milk? Big mistake. @ But remember this You can't have fun without "U" @ I can't breathe! Ohh! Whoa! I knew that milk would come back to haunt me. Help! Help! - [Loud Burp] - [Groaning] [Yelling] [Grunting] @"U" in the middle @@ [Gulps] [Panting, Chuckling] - Bravo, Cat. - Huh? These children are smart enough not to fall foryour MTV-style flash... at the expense of content and moral values. That was wicked cool! Do it again! I'd love to, but Shamu is right... I really should be going. - No, don't go! - No, I should go. I should let you and the fiish have all your fun conjugating verbs, cleaning your room, doing long division. No, you have to stay! All right, I'll stay. Oh, yeah! [Conrad] Yeah.! But if I'm gonna stay, there's something I wanna show you. Something magical... and full of wonder. - It's called a contract. - You want us to sign this? - Just a formality, really. Yeah. - Who are they? Magical time-traveling elves. [Chortling] Yeah. Magic. Okay, they're my lawyers. Liability issues, litigious society, frivolous lawsuits. You understand. Basically, this contract guarantees you can have all the fun you want... and nothing bad's ever gonna happen. - All the fun we want? - Uh-yeah! - Nothing bad will happen? - Uh-no! Come on, Sal, for once in your life try something spontaneous. It goes against my better instincts, but... fiine. Beautiful. Initial here. And here. And here. Not here! [Wheezes] Turn it over. This is nothing. [Clears Throat] Scratch this. Smell that! Terrifiic. Yadee-yadee-yadee. Sign the bottom. [Pencil Scratching On Paper] You're it! Okay, gimme fiive! Four. [Chortling] Let's get this party started! Uh-huh! Hey, check out this room! [Laughing] What now? Mom says we're not allowed in the living room today, or else. She's worried we'll mess up the couches byjumpin'on 'em orsomethin; And she's right. You can't jump on these. Not like this. They need some adjustment. Yee-haw! [Chuckling] Let's take a look under the hood. [Spits] Yeah. [Chuckles] Just doin' my job. [Fart] Sorry. What have we got here? Whew. Here we go. [Chortles] It's oversized. That's unusual. Here it is. [Grunts] [Elephant Trumpets] Down, Simba! Down, Simba! Get outta here! Spray me, would ya? You... [Whimpering] [Trumpeting Continues] [Choking] [Blows Landing] [Elephant Whimpering] [Panting] - [Elephant Trumpets] - Thanks for the help. Back in a second. Who's your couch mechanic? You oughta call Mr. Catwrench. [Grinding, Rumbling] Oww! My fur! My fur! My fur! [Groaning, Shouting] That oughta do it. Whoo! [Chortling] [Laughing] Come on, kids. I could use a little company. What about Mom's party? What about it? We signed the contract. Wha-hoo! [Laughing] Yeah! One cushion left, Sally. She'll never do it. She doesn't know how to have fun. Fun? Sally, you're betterthan fun. Fun is beneath you. Remember what your mother told you... No one sets foot in the living room... [Conrad Shouting] You know what? Let's just watch some flashbacks. [Voice Slowed Down] Absolutely no one sets foot in the living room, or else. You're fiired... fiired... fiired... fiired... fiired... fiired... [Takes Deep Breath] Fiired... fiired... fiired... fiired... And that's why... [Groans] Oww! This is where they buried my brother.! [Cat Laughing] [Conrad] Yeah.! [All Laughing] Yippee! Oh, yeah! This is amazing! Like being in the circus! Yeah, but without those tortured animals... or drunken clowns that have hepatitis. See, kids, I told you we could have fun! [Laughing Continues] [Conrad] The best thing is, no one will ever... know. Judas Priest! I can't believe what I'm seeing! Oh, Mr. Quinn, I was just telling Conrad to get off the couch. Bad, Conrad! Bad! Sally, baby, angel, princess, I'm gonna let you in on a little secret, okay? Nobody likes a suck-up! [Quinn Laughing] Where's the cat? I don't know. [Burps] Ohh! Good bread. What are you two lookin' at? [Sneezing] Is there a cat in here? [Sneezing Continues] I'm gonna... You're gonna... I have to... [Sneezes] [Sneezes] Get out ofhere. [Sneezes Twice] [Both Laughing] See, kids, I told you. Stick with me, it'll all work out. [Sneezes] Oh, no! Ohh! [Chortling] Little-known fact... cats always land on their tushy. - I thought they always landed on their feet. - Oh, sure, now you tell me. Harumph! [Chortling] - So, kiddo, what do you want to do for fun? - I wanna make cupcakes! Cupcakes? Oh, yeah! [Chortling] To the kitchen! [Announcer] Live from the kitchen, the following is a paid commercial announcement forAstounding Products. Hi! Welcome to Astounding Products. [Laughing] I'm your host, the guy in the sweaterwho asks all the obvious questions. [Studio Audience Laughing] Now, here to tell us about his astounding product for making cupcakes, all the way from Cheshire, England, please welcome... Me! Hello! [Chuckling] Now... Hello! I'm so excited! Do you love making cupcakes, but hate all the hard cupcake work? I know I do! Well, forget everything you know about making cupcakes... and say hello... to the amazing Kupkake-inator. - I'm so excited! - [Audience Chuckling] Cupcake-a-what? [Cat, Audience] Kupkake-inator! Oh, this amazing device can instantly make cupcakes... out of anything that you have in the kitchen. - Wait a minute. Did you say"anything"? - Anything. Anything? Yes, anything. Anything? Anything. - Anything? - I'll get you, and it'll look like a bloody accident. - [Audience Tittering] - Anything. Now, take off the lid. You can put in, I don't know, a carton of eggs. What? How about a pack ofhot dogs? That's incredible! Why not some ketchup? Yeah, why not? How about... I know what you're thinkin'. Even a fiire extinguisher. There we go. Hmm? Now, close the lid and Bob's your flippin' uncle! What an astounding product! [Audience Applauding] Oh, yeah! Open the drawer, [Bell Dings, Motor Whirring] Fiill the patented Kupkake-inator tray, [Audience Gasping] - Close the drawer, - [Audience Continues Gasping] Then place it in a conventional oven. [Audience Laughing, Applauding] Delicious cupcakes are just minutes away. Did you just say "minutes away"? [Host, Audience] That's impossible! You're not just wrong, you're stupid. Now, wait just a minute... And you're ugly, just like your mum. [Audience Gasping] Did you just call my mother ugly? Shut up! I mean it! I will end you! - [Grunts] - [Audience, Cat Gasping, Groaning] Um, Cat. Your tail. What about it? Oh, I see! I've chopped it off. That's interesting, because... Son of a bi... [Beep] @�@?Whistling "The Girl From Ipanema"] Look, I'm not saying we're going to sue. I'm just saying we have a case. We'll talk later. Lxnay, ixnay. [Wheezes] Hi. Cat, is the oven supposed to be making that sound? Huh? Of course. That means they're almost done, Conrack. - Conrad. - That's what I said, Condor. - Cat! - Now, that's my name! [Oven Whirring, Rumbling] [Timer Bell Dings] Yep! They're done! Oh, man! There's nothing to worry about. I'm sure they still taste fiine. Yecch! They're horrible! Who wants some? Come on, come on! [Chortling] Oh... my... cod. Ohh! Aah! Cat, you need to clean this mess up pronto. We have a contract. All right, I'll try. You don't try. You do. Yes, ma'am. Right away, ma'am. [Coughs] I'll be right back. Whoa! [Crash] [Chortling] [Snoring] Hi. How are ya? Okay. [Chortling] Look. I'm a girl. [Giggling, Purring] Stop! That's... [Together] Mom's dress! [Gasps] This fiilthy thing? She was gonna wear that tonight, and you ruined it. Honey, it was ruined when she bought it. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Mm-hmm. I told you all this would happen.! - But no one listens to a fiish! - Oy. A dog goes "woof-woof" and everybody knows that little Timmy's trapped undera log. But a fiish speaks in plain English... All right, everyone, let's just take a deep breath and calm down. [Inhaling, Exhaling] You know who's gonna solve it? Me. I am. I will personally take care of everything. And I know just the guys to do it. [Wheezing] [Chortling] In this box are two Things. I will show them to you. Two Things, and I call them Thing One and Thing Two. These Things will not bite you. They want to have fun. So without further ado, meet Thing Two and Thing One! [Whooping, Babbling] @Ta-da @ Oh, yeah! [Chortles] Thing One, Conrad, Sally. Conrad, Sally, Thing One. Thing Two, Conrad, Sally. Conrad, Sally, Thing Two. Thing One, Thing Two. Thing Two, Thing One. Conrad, Sally. Sally, Conrad. I am the Cat. Don't belittle me. Ah, yes, of course. Thing Two would like to clarify that just because he wears the number two... does not imply in any way that he's inferior to Thing One. And all of the above. He says you may feel free to call him Thing "A," if you like. He will also accept SuperThing, Thing King, Kid Dynamite, Chocolate Thun-Da... or Ben. [Chuckles] Ben! [Thing OneJabbering] Thing One says he's Thing One for a reason, and some people should just get used to it. It's a Thing thing. You wouldn't understand. [ThingsJabbering, Arguing] Okay, enough! You are quickly turning into one of my least favorite Things. Listen, Convex, you probably don't wanna do that. Why not? It's just a crate. This isn't just any old crate. It's the Trans-dimensional Transportolator. It's kinda like a doorway which leads from this world to my world. But it says, "Made in the Philippines." Yes, but not this Philippines. Look, now, I'm not usually a rules guy, but this is a biggie. No opening the crate. No lookee, no touchee. Got it? [Thing] Mekka-dekka we should settle ourdifferences. [Jabbering] [Cat] Things, front and center.! Cool. All right, Things, I'm not paying you to stand around and look pretty. Here's Mom's dress. [Thing Cackling] Oh.! Mommy's dress.! [BothJabbering, Giggling] - [Gasp] - [Gasp] - What about the couch? - Which couch? The clean one, orthe horribly stained one? - [Wheezing] - [Jabbering Continues] Ho! [Chortling] Mekka-dekka don't worry! Incoming! Cat, they're wrecking the whole house.! [Snoring] [Groans, Continues Snoring] [Jabbering, Giggling Continue] - Conrad, help! - Help yourself! Look at me! Come and get it! [ContinuesJabbering] [Grunts] Whoa! Ooh, yeah! Whoa! [Giggles] That tickles! [Jabbering] Geronimo! [Jabbering, Grunting] [Crab Lock] Mine, mine, mine! Mine, mine, mine, mine, mine! Ride 'em, cowboy! Yee-hee-hee! Ho-ho-ho! Whee! [Snoring] [Continues Snoring] If this were my house, I'd be furious. [Laughing] Hey! Klondike! Do you have any idea what happened to the lock on this crate? - It's on Nevins's collar. - Nevins? [Sally] Nevins? Nevins.! Put the dog down! I said, put the dog down! Why won't they listen to me? Oh. I don't know if this helps, but the Things always do the opposite of what you say. Why do they always do the opposite? That's so annoying! Remind you of anyone, Conrad? Zinga! [Things Cackling] Zinga! Zinga! Blue! 41! Set! Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut! Hey, Thing, don't let go of that dog! Let go! [Conrad] Catch him... I mean, don't catch him.! [Screams] [Crab Lock Chuckles] [Barks] Well, this is just great, Conrad. The whole house is destroyed, the party is ruined, and now Nevins is gone. Sally, Kojak, that's nothing compared to what's gonna happen if we don't lock this crate. Take a look. It's already leaking. [Grunting] - It won't stay shut. - Not without the lock. Look, if we don't get that lock off of Nevins and put it back on this crate, we're gonna be staring down the business end of the mother of all messes. [Grunting] We've gotta go out and fiind Nevins. [Grunts] Impossible! Sally! There's only four hours till the party. The Fish is right. We should call Mom and tell herwhat happened. Look at this house! There's no way we could explain this to Mom. We gotta get Nevins back and lock the crate! We're staying and calling Mom. We're going and getting the dog. [Sinister Voice] There is a third option. @�@?Organ:Dramatic] There is? Yes. It involves... murder! @@ [Dramatic Chords] - That's your option? - No. But you guys both had options. I just wanted to have one too. [Chuckling] Or did I? - Cat, you're not helping! - Come on. Let's go get that dog. Now, wejust need a heavy, inanimate object to weigh down this crate. [Kids Grunting] [Grumbling] There. That oughta buy us some time. Come on, kids! Let's go, go, go! [Wheezing Laugh] [Grunting, Sighing] [Man On TV] Identical sister Mitzy... [Sighs] [Man #2 On TV] That's right. [Grunts] - [Knocking] - Yeah! What do you want now? Repo. You're repossessing my TV? I'm sure I made a payment. If it's about that bounced check, let me give you a credit card. That one's expired. Huh? Oh, come on! [Woman On TVGrunting] [Narrator] With the lock on his collar, Nevins kept running, unaware ofhis part... in the evil Quinn's cunning. [Ringing] Joan Walden Real Estate. Be it ever so humble, there's no... Oh, hi, Joan. The kids let the dog out again. You're kidding. Don't worry. I'll go get him, then we'll have a conversation vis-a-vis military school. I don't know. Conrad's like you, Lawrence. He's very... sensitive. Uh-huh. [Sighs] But I suppose it's something I should consider. I'll get the dog. I'll be right over. [Dial Tone Hums] [Sighs] [Groaning] - [Barking] - [Conrad] Okay, there's Nevins. Stay out of sight. [Barks, Growls] @�@?Violin Strings Plucking] @@ [Plucking Continues] I thought the moment needed something. Oh, what will become of us? Your motherwill lose her job, and we'll have to... live on the street! [Sobbing] I can't! Don't make me go... [Groans] I don't know this world.! It's dry! It's like... I can't... It's too... Fish! It's too much! Would you like to go back in the toilet? On second thought, it's such a beautiful day. Why spend it indoors? - Thank you! - [Gasps] Okay, kids. Get out of my way. This fence is no match for my cat-like grace and reflexes. Here we go. [Neck Muscles, Knuckles Cracking] [Exhales] Ow. Okay. Watch me fly, kids. [Wheezing Laugh] [Loud Crash] [Grunting] Ow! I don't think the little girl's even trying. What about your cat-like... reflexes? What about showing a little effort, shrimp boat? Now, push! Whaa! All right, Nevins. Time to die. - [Whimpering] - Cat, you scared him away! Dirty hoe. I'm sorry, baby. I love you. Hmm. [Conrad] Come on, Cat.! [Yipping] There he is! [Children Shouting] [Man] Happy birthday, Denise. [Sally] Denise? Everyone I know is there. There's Ginny and Alan. How come Denise didn't invite me to her birthday? Don't worry. Let'sjust get Nevins and go. - [Woman] Okay, kids. Everyone outside.! - [Kids Screaming] [Yelling] Aaah! Nevins. Cat, get down! They're gonna see you! Hide.! [Excited Shouting] [Chanting] Pi�ata! Pi�ata! Pi�ata! Pi�ata! Pi�ata! Pi�ata.! Pi�ata.! [Nervous Grumbling] - [Groans] - Everybody join in! [Girl] It's breaking! Step out of my way. This cannot end well. - Pi�ata! Pi�ata! - [Howling] @짪'm easy @� @짞h, ah, ah, ah @� [Whinnying] @짪'm easy like Sunday morning @�@� - [Howling] - [Both Groaning] [Howling Continues] Oh-ho-ho! Whoo! - Oh.! Whoo-hoo.! - I got an idea. [Conrad] Candy.! Candy! [Growls] [Both] No! Get back! Cat! [Cat Grunts] I'll get you! [Sighs] [Phone Rings] [Gasping] I'd love to buy some. Hello, Mrs. Kwan. It'sJoan Walden. I just called to check on the kids. Are they okay? [Chuckles] Those aren't children. They're little angels. [All Laughing] That's sweet. Well, all right, Mrs. Kwan. I'll be home as soon as I can. Bye-bye. Bye. [Things Babbling] [Sighs] [Groans, Snores] [Excited Chortling] [Cat] All right, soldier. Our bogey is in range. Commence search and destroy. - What? - Search and rescue. I meant search and rescue. Come on! I can't believe I wasn't invited to that party. Hey! You're a lone wolf. [Whispering] Live alone, die alone. Yeah. - Can we please get the dog? - [Mocking] Can we please get the dog? Can we please get the dog? Boo! [Conrad] Oh, no.! Oh, man.! Hello, Nevins. Good-bye, Conrad. Not so tough now, are you? [Barks] [Sinister Laughing] [Hooting Laugh] We're dead. We're never gonna get that crate shut. And I'm getting shipped off to Colonel Von Kronk's School for Wayward Boys! Why don't we take my car? You have a car? Yeah, sure. [CarAlarm Chirps] [Engine Starts, Tires Screech] Wow. That is so cool. That's just the dust cover. Here she is, the Super Luxurious Omnidirectional Whatchamajigger. Or S.L.O.W. For short. S.L.O.W.? Yeah, SLOW. It's better than the last name we had. Super Hydraulic Instantaneous Transporter. - Oh, you mean... - Ohh! Quick, to the SLOW. [Chortling] [Grunts] Buckle up, kids. We're on a mission to get that dog, and we will not rest until we fiind and destroy it. Rescue it! Rescue it! Of course I meant rescue it. Whatever. Remember, kids, there's nothing faster than SLOW. That's backwards! It makes no sense. Look at you! Argh! Okay, here we go. G.P. S... check. DVD, CD... check. Someone from Czechoslovakia is a... Czech. [Chortling] Siren! What are you... What... Siren? [Screaming] Let's go! Whoo-whoa-ho-ho! [Hooting] Hi there! How are you? Yeah! [Giggling] [Engine Backfiiring] [Laughing] [All Yelling] @ I'm sending Conrad away @ - Oh! Oh! - [Barking] [Sniffs] Oh! [Barks] I can't believe you whizzed on my taco! [Barking Continues] Wait tillJoan gets a load of you! [Laughing] [Barking] - There they are! - [Fish] Red light, red light, red light, red light.! Red light! [All Screaming] - Someone else should drive. - All right. You win. Concrete, you drive. Are you serious? I don't know. A little voice inside of me is saying, "This is a bad idea," but I can barely hear that little voice... because an even louder little voice is screaming, "Let the 12-year-old drive!" Now, punch it! [Imitating Engine] [Grunts] This is awesome.! [Gagging] - [Retching] - [Groans] - I want to drive. - I think that's a great idea. [Chuckling] Wait! Two people can't drive at the same time. You're right. We should all drive. [Chortling] [Tires Screeching] [Yelling] - Cat.! Where are the brakes? - I'll get them. I think there's something wrong with your brakes. When's the last time you had them checked? [Chortling] Bad brake.! [Screaming] One-way street, one-way street, one-way street, one-way street.! - [Gasping, Screaming] - [Truck Horn Honking] Hey, Rhode Island license plate. You never see those. [Horn Honking] Om. Om. [Loud Clanging] Air bag. Standard. [Panting] I think... I wet... my jar. Can we do that again? [Alarm Chirps] [Gasps] Hey, there he is! [Conrad] Oh, no.! He's going into Mom's offiice.! Come on, Cat! [Whistles] You know, Nevins, whenJoan fiinds out you've escaped again, Conrad will be moving out, and I'll be moving in. [Conrad] We've gotta get Nevins and that lock back. [Sally] What are we gonna do? Don't worry. I have three plans. Plan "A": "Mess up a perfectly clean house." Done that. Plan "B": "Cut your losses and ditch the kids." - That could work. - What about that one? Plan "C": "Trick Mom's boyfriend into handing over dog and lock." I don't know. I still like Plan "B." - [Both] Cat! - Okay, okay. Plan "C." Look at you. Argh! [Whining] Excuse me, sir. I'd like you to sign my petition. Yeah. Get out of my way, you hippie freak. Are you aware of the senseless, wholesale slaughter... of the flatulating, acid-spitting Zumzizeroo? What will it take to get you out of my face? Just sign my petition... with this large, oversized pen that requires two hands. I see. [Loud Click] - Will you hold my dog? - Yes! Okay, I have a problem with the word "dog." I don't use the "D" word per se 'cause I think it's really, really wrong. Yeah. But I will happily hold yourCanine-American. - I'm more comfortable with that really, yeah. - [Giggling] @ How much is that Canine-American in the window @ [Both] Cat! Come on! - [Nevins Barking] - Hey, what the... [Cat] Go, go, go.! Come back here! I'm on to you kids! - Nothing to see here. Keep moving! Go! - [Panting] [Whistle Blows] Come on! Let's go. Ah, get in, get in! Come on, let's go. Get in! Hi, hi. Get in! Get in! @�@?Dance] Look out below! Oh! Sorry. Over there. [Hooting] Hey! Hey, hey! Hey, hey! [Feet Screeching] Ohh! Oh! [Laughing] I got you! Here he comes! [Both] Cat! [Yelling] - [Woman Screams] - Where's my hat? Oh! Go! Go, go! Go! Let's go! My tail, my tail. Come on, Cat! [Grunts] I'm walking here! [Angry Whimpering] [Horn Honking] Joan. Joan! [Whimpering] - I think we lost him. - Not the pocket. Not the pocket! - We got the lock back. Now let's get home. - Relax, kid. I'm all over it. [Wheezing Laugh] Hey. What's wrong? This. This is not my hat. I must have picked up the wrong hat back there. - So? - So... without my hat, I'm just your garden-variety six-foot-tall talking cat. Joan, yourchildren are running around town like complete maniacs. Yes, they are. With some weird, hairy man in a big hat. Uh-huh. You're gonna believe everything I'm telling you once we get to your house, okay? Come on. We're doomed! We're dead. This is all my fault. I'm such an idiot. Why do I always have to do the opposite of what I'm supposed to? Wait a second. That's it! The opposite! Hey, Things! Don't help us! Do not show up and help us get home right now! - We're goin' on a road trip! - Larry's car? How'd you get so smart? [Chortling] [Narrator] So the race was on to get back home fiirst. [Conrad] Hang on! We gotta beat Mom and Quinn home! [Narrator] But back at their home, things werejust getting worse. There's Mom and Larry! Step on it, Joan. Go, go, go, go, go. Oh, Things, do not do anything to slow down my mom. [Things] Slow down Mom.! [Whooping] [Chattering] [Quinn] Look, Joan, they don't beat them every day. [Siren Wailing] Oh, great. [Siren Continues] [Clears Throat] I'm sorry, Offiicer. Was I speeding? Mekka dekka license, appa registration. Mekka dekka, you're one hot mama. Hey, that's my car. Joan, we better go right away! Please let me handle this. Sorry, I guess I was in a hurry to get home. - I'm not gonna let them get away with this! - [Babbling] [Yelling] [Siren Wailing] Meet me at the house! Not so fast, you little maggots! Ha-ha! Oh, you are so busted. Now get inside. You don't want to go in there. It's going to be a total... Aah! What? Sally, what happened? What about the mother ofall messes? I don't know. [Sneezes] Why am I sneezing? That'd be me. Boo! You're a giant... [Sneezing] Cat! [Screaming] Judas Priest! Ooh. Mama mia. What happened to our house? It's the mother of all messes. Yup! Pure, unadulterated fun without any good sense or judgment. See, Corn Dog, this is why I warned you... not to open the crate. - [Birds Honking] - Although, on the plus side, I think people will be talking about tonight's party for the rest of their lives. - [Nevins Whines] - [Groans] - We gotta shut the crate! Come on! - Okay. [Cat Chuckling] Let's take the front hall carpet. [Chortling] - This can't be the front hall. - This is what happens when you mix yourworld and my world. Oh, and when you eat bad shellfiish. Let's go! Oh, yeah! Cat, how do we fiind the crate? Beats me. This hat is worthless, and it makes me look fat. - Where's Mrs. Kwan? - Oh-ho-ho! Here she comes, right on schedule. - Oh, yeah! - We're going to ride Mrs. Kwan? Sure.! It's the only way to the crate. Hop on.! Oh, this is gonna be good! Please keep your hands and feet in the Kwan at all times! Enjoy the ride! [Chortling] Ladies and gentlemen, the dining room. Ohh.! [Laughing] [Sally] This is the dining room? [Clock Cuckooing] Hey, look. Chandelier! [Chuckling] [Conrad] Is that the bathroom? You might want to hold it for a while. Something like that really burns my... [All] Aaah! This is amazing! It's like a ride at an amusement park! You mean, like at... Universal Studios. [Laughing] Cha-ching. Whoa! [All Screaming] - [Cat] Whoa! - [Grumbling] Please exit the Kwan to your left. Have a nice day! This is ridiculous. I have to get home. [Grunting] Police brutality! Illegal choke hold! Where are we? The living room, I think. Ah, man! My eyes are closed. If there's no line, could we go back and do that again? There's the crate! Oh! [Chortling] If we shut the crate, the house will go back to normal. You have the lock? Got it! Come on! Let's go! Sally! [Both Grunting] - Come on! - It won't shut! Sally! Everything is disappearing up there! - Help! - Sally! - Oh! Oh! - Sal... Aaah! - Help me, Conrad! - Sally! Help me! I can't hold on! Hang on! Help me, Conrad! Help.! Sally, I can't reach the lock! - No! - I can't save you unless you let go! Okay. [Screaming] Help me! - [Lock] Yes! - [Screaming] [Crashing, Groaning] [Birds Chirping] [Yelling] [Gurgling] Ugh! I did it! I did it! I did it.! I did it.! I did it.! [Laughing] I did it! I did it! Okay, "we" did it. I don't think we did anything. The place is still a wreck. You said if we shut the crate, everything would be okay! But it's not. It's a complete disaster! Well, what are you gonna do? Tennis, anyone? [Metal Popping] [Balls Rolling] [Sniffiing] Ooh! [Purring] Love that new ball smell. Yeah. - Hey, your hat... it's magic again? - Oops. Well, now that the cat's out of the bag, to use an archaic and cruel-sounding metaphor, why don't you serve fiirst? You had your real hat this whole time? Uh-yup. I planned the whole day. [Wheezing Laugh] - What do you mean, you planned the whole day? All of it? - Uh-yup. - The house getting trashed? - Uh-yup. - Quinn taking Nevins? - Uh-yup. - Cutting off your tail? - Uh-nope. No. You even knew I'd open the crate? Why do you think I made it my one rule? I knew you couldn't resist. Now, who's up for a game of Canadian doubles? [Loud Crashing] Cat, you said nothing bad would happen. Cat, you need to get out. I don't know that game. It's not a game. None of this is a game! - But I thought you two wanted to have fun today. - Look around, Cat. You were right. It's fun to have fun, but you have to know how. You don't know when enough is enough. Now, go! Suzy. Cromwell. Please. [Both] Out! Out! [Sparking] Good riddance! Now, this may not be the time for"I told you so," but... Like I said, not the time. I'll get the mop and bucket. Conrad, you might want to get out ofhere until Mom has a chance to calm down. No. This was my fault. I'll take the blame. Look, Mom will be home any second. Why don't you go upstairs? I'm not going upstairs. I'm staying with you. Really? Why? Two reasons. One, the stairs are destroyed. Two, this is just as much my fault as yours. We should share the blame. Thanks, Sally. By the way, you're a pretty good brother. Glad you think that. Maybe we can room together at military school. Well, here goes. [Chortling] @ Bet you thought I'd gone Bet you felt a sting @ @짟et you neverthought I'd have anothersong to sing @� @ But now that you've learned your lesson Allow me to blow your mind @ @ By reading to you the small print of the contract that you signed @@ Okay, section eight, article 93, subparagraph 834. Right by the chili stain. [Chuckles] It reads, "If Conrad, a.k.a. Concrete, should open the crate... "and we know he will... the contract shall be null and void. "However, if Sally and Conrad should learn from their mistakes, the contract shall be reinstated." I think you two have satisfiied the legal burden oflearning. [Both] Yeah! So there's just one last game to play. It's called "Clean Up The House." Kids, meet the Dynamic Industrial Renovating Tractormajigger. [Both] D-l-R-T? That's right! [Chortling] @짪t's getting better all the time @� @짪 used to get mad at my school @� Ta-da! @� The teachers who taught me weren't cool @� @� You're holding me down @� @� Turning me 'round @� @짦illing me up with your rules @� @짵oh-ooh @� @짪've got to admit it's getting better@� @짟etter@� @짞 little better all the time @� @짪t can't get no worse @� @짪 have to admit it's getting better@� @짟etter@� @짞 little better since you've been mine @� - [Cat Chortling] - Hee-hee! [Babbling] @짳e used to be an angry young man @� @짳e hiding my head in the sand @� [Horn Honks] @� You gave me the word I fiinally heard @� @짪'm doing the best that I can,yeah @� @짪've got to admit it's getting better@� @짟etter@� @짞 little better all the time @� @짡an't get no worse @� @짪 have to admit it's getting better@� @짟etter@� @짪t's getting better@� @짻ince you've been mine @� Oh, yeah! @짨etting so much better@� These drapes are so out, @짞ll the time @� they're in! @짪t's getting better all the time @� [Chortling] Yeah! - @짟etter, better, better@� - Spin! Spin! @짪t's getting better all the time @� @짟etter, better, better@� [Blubbering] [Chortling] Ooh! Ooh! @짪 have to admit it's getting better@� @짞 little better all the time @� [Barking] @짪t can't get no worse @� @� Yes, I admit it's getting better@� - @짪t's getting better@� - Bye! @짻ince you've been mine @� @짨etting so much better all the time @�@� Okay, we had some good times. We cleaned up the house. We even managed to work in an up-tempo pop tune for the sound track. That's important. I guess there's just one last thing to check. [Gurgling] Huh? [Dings] [Dings] Looks like everything's in balance, but you're still smoking way too many cigars. - And you... lay offthe sauce.! - [Chuckles] Cat, this day has been... amazing. Thank you, Cat. For everything. Conrad? Sally? Adieu. - [Sally] Cat.! - Cat! - Huh? - Wait, Cat. - Don't go! [Chuckles] Uh-oh! [Chortling] All right, kids. This place better not be a mess. I'm... home? Hi, Mom. Hi, Mom. Miss Walden, home so soon? The children were angels. - Thanks, Mrs. Kwan. - Hello, Joan. [Gasps] Lawrence, what happened to you? They... happened to me. Your demonic children. [Panting] They destroyed your house.! Uh... [Quinn] The house was alive. The wall was made ofpaper. I fell off the cliff. And the giant cat... The giant cat! [Whispers] Tell her. Larry, Larry. You look terrible, and my mom thinks you're insane. This is what we in sales call "a win-win scenario." Joan, you are passing up the opportunity of a lifetime. You know what kind ofkid your boy is. I mean, who are you going to believe? You're right. I do know what kind ofkid Conrad is. He can be irresponsible. Yes! He makes bad choices. Sometimes he makes me want to tear my hair out. Yes! Yes! Yes! But he's a good kid, and I believe in him. Now, I'd like you to leave. Wha... Joan. Joan. Joan. Joan. Oh, Joan, Joan, Joan! [Crying] [Sneezes] [Groaning] - Will you marry me, Joan? - [Groans] Oh, Joan, Joan, Joan, Joan. [Sobbing] [Squeals] Yes! Yeah! [Both Laughing] [Conrad] Yeah.! Oh, that's nice. [Snoring] [People Chattering] Mr. Humberfloob? Whoa-ho-ho! Almost got me again. Enjoy the party. Mr. Humberfloob. Joan, the party's a hit and the house is immaculate. Congratulations. [Woman] Miss Walden. Uh, Miss Walden. Chicka-ow, chicka-ow, chica-yee-haw! Hi, Mom! Honey, yourcupcakes are a huge hit. What did you put in them? Mom, you can make cupcakes out of anything. Are you telling me you can make cupcakes out ofanything? - Anything. - Anything? So what did you kids do today, huh? [Narrator] Well, what would you do ifyour motherasked you? The family was whole, all thanks to the Cat, who was dashing and charming, no doubt about that. He was witty and cultured... and, well, very endearing... and tremendously attractive, but in a sort of real way. You know, kind of an approachable way that I think you don't see these days... [Normal Voice] Oh! Hello! I was just, uh... I really should be going. [Chuckles] How'd they get so smart? [Whooping] [Chortling] [All Laughing] Oh, yeah! Whoo! [Chortling] Come on, Things! Let's go! What's on my schedule for tomorrow? What do you say we go on vacation? [Chortling] How 'bout Hawaii? I like Hawaii. I should warn you, there are certain places that don't allow certain Things. [Chuckling] Oh, Things are complicated. Subrip By PrimeEvil Fixed By Pacman @� Things are getting weird Things are getting tough @� @짴othing's making sense but you keep on looking up @� @� They tell you to be true You're trying every day @� @� To keep it on the real Still you gotta fiind a way @� @� To make your mama happy To make your papa proud @� @� You wanna turn it up but all you hear is "tone it down"@� @짻o gather'round I'm here to say @� @� You'll never make everybody's day @� @짟ut while you're around you might as well @� @짡atch the tiger by its tail @� @짞nd hang on hang on, hang on @� @짥verybodyjust get on get on, get on @� @짨et started and go on, go on, go on @� @짥verybodyjust hold on @� @짻ometimes I wanna cry orthrow the towel in @� @� You try to bring me down but I'll take it on the chin @� @짞nd everywhere I go the people are the same @� @� Theyjust want to know that everything will be okay @� @� When things are getting rough they turn it back around @� @� You gotta turn it up when they tell you "tone it down"@� @짻o gather'round I'm here to say @� @� You'll never make everybody's day @� @짟ut while you're around you might as well @� @짡atch the tiger by its tail @� @짞nd hang on hang on, hang on @� @짥verybodyjust get on, get on, get on @� @짨et started and go on, go on, go on @� @짥verybodyjust hold on @� @짫ust hang on @� @짻o gather'round I'm here to say @� @� You'll never make everybody's day @� @짟ut while you're around you might as well @� @짡atch a tiger by its tail @� @짞nd hang on hang on, hang on @� @짥verybodyjust get on, get on, get on @� @짨et started and go on, go on, go on @� @짥verybodyjust hold on @� @짩ang on, hang on, hang on @� @짥verybodyjust get on, get on, get on @� @짨et started and go on, go on, go on @� @짥verybodyjust hold on @� @짫ust hang on @�@� </PRE> Special help by <A href="mailto:moviesergei@yahoo.com">SergeiK</A> <NOSCRIPT></NOSCRIPT>