Dear Annie: I have been married to "Fred" for over 20 years, and we have three children. I helped him develop his successful business, which has grown fourfold during our marriage. However, Fred takes credit for everything and doesn't acknowledge my assistance in nurturing his business or raising our kids.
Now I'm not even sure Fred loves me. A few weeks ago, I told him that I don't feel secure in our marriage, that I wasn't certain I could depend on him unconditionally. His response was, "I don't want to be responsible for your security." That just blew me away.
I sensed an underlying message that if I need him, he might not be there for me. Perhaps if I became too much of a burden, he would not help me. I thought marriage was an unconditional bond and that we should provide security for each other. Now I don't know if we have a future together. -- Confused in Atlanta
Dear Confused: Before jumping to conclusions, you should ask Fred to explain that unkind statement. He may have meant something different. If you don't feel secure after 20 years of marriage, it may be time to clear the air and decide if you both want this marriage to succeed. Ask your doctor to refer you to a marriage counselor, and, as always, if Fred won't go with you, go alone.
Dear Annie: I am a professor of criminal justice at Sam Houston State University. One of my areas of specialization is family violence, including elder abuse. I concur with your advice to the woman who said her brother, "Hugh," has taken an excessive amount of money from their mother's bank accounts. I would like to suggest another step that the daughter should take as well.
Please tell her to contact the state Adult Protective Services and file a complaint. A caseworker will investigate. If the son is breaching his fiduciary trust, not only civil action, but criminal action might be taken. They also can step in and assume conservatorship of the mother's financial affairs and go to court to sever the son's power of attorney.
Stealing money is a very common, but little known, type of elder abuse. The elderly are frequently afraid to speak up out of fear of reprisal. Dementia can compound the situation. Sometimes, when investigating the financial abuse, authorities uncover physical, sexual and emotional abuse, as well as severe neglect. -- Raymond Teske Jr., Ph.D., Professor, Criminal Justice Center, Sam Houston State University, Huntsville, Texas
Dear Dr. Teske: Thank you for your expert advice. Not all siblings are willing to take such drastic steps, but sometimes it is necessary. Here's one more:
Dear Annie: My mom has been an Alzheimer's patient for years and is in a nursing home. She does not have insurance. My father left all his money to her, knowing she would need it for long-term care.
My sister had been handling my parents' finances, and when Dad passed away, we discovered she had removed Mom's name from all the bank accounts and CDs (around $250,000). After many tears and much soul-searching, I hired an attorney.
The probate judge named me as Mom's conservator and suggested I investigate the transactions to determine if steps should be taken to recover the money.
The lesson for your readers is that if a sibling is assisting a parent with finances, insist that all close family members review the books and transactions regularly. The temptation simply is too great. -- Sadder but Smarter Down South
Annie's Mailbox is written by Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar, longtime editors of the Ann Landers column. Please e-mail your questions to anniesmailbox@comcast.net, or write to: Annie's Mailbox, P.O. Box 118190, Chicago, IL 60611. To find out more about Annie's Mailbox, and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate Web page at www.creators.com.