이번주 시사영어 강의 기사 : 미국 보험회사의 고객 짜증나게 하는 행태

[조국현]

이번 주에는

미국의 보험회사들이 고객 관리를 제대로 하지 않고

오히려 짜증나게 한다는 내용을 가지고

영어훈련하겠습니다.

한국의 사회주의 성격의 의료보험 제도와 달리

철저한 자본주의에 입각해서

오로지 개인 스스로의 자본력으로 자신의 병을 책임져야 하는

미국의 제도, 어떤 것인지 알아보시죠.

해설 듣기 전에 이 글을 읽고 재미있음을 느낄 수 있다면

상당한 독해 실력입니다.^^

[빨간색 부분은 강의 듣기 전에 먼저 고민해 보세요. 영어 고수가 되기 위한 훈련입니다]

[영어훈련 하면서 글쓴이의 논리를 감상하시면, 여러분의 논리력도 강해집니다]

Managing the Stress of Managing Stress

By Kevin Horrigan / St. Louis Post

Welcome to your insurance company‘s 24-hour-a-day wellness website, designed to let you take control of your health care needs through a morale-boosting program of education, counseling and aw-shucks neighborliness.

Plus, if you’re really, really lucky and persistent, you can save some money, though you shouldn‘t count on it, because every dollar you or your company saves is a dollar we don’t get. And we‘re not in the health insurance racket for our health.

Are you ready to get started? Tell us what problem you’d like help with. Click (1) for diet and weight control. Click (2) for stress. Click (3) for smoking cessation. Click (4) for claims and payment issues. Click (5) for all other questions.

If you like, you may call our special toll-free telephone number and try making your way through “ECHO,” our Endless Computerized Hotline Option. Don‘t bother pressing (0) or (00) because there is no way we’re going to let you talk to a human being.

OK, I see you‘ve pressed (2) for help with smoking cessation. Let’s go to the annoying Web video in which we treat you like an absolute nincompoop. ...

What? You pressed (2) for stress, not smoking cessation? Oh, silly us. Why don‘t you watch the smoking cessation video first, just in case you’re so stressed out you decide to take up smoking.

Congratulations! You‘re on your way to a smoke-free lifestyle! You are eligible to be credited with finishing this stop-smoking course, which will entitle you to a $25 discount on your next co-pay on the off chance that somehow it doesn’t slip our mind and we wind up keeping your $25 instead.

Sir! Kindly stop slamming the (2) computer key. We are going to get to your stress management video very soon. But first please remember to go to our handy website and under the second “compliance” sub-menu pull down the 15-page PDF integrated incentive tracking form which you will need to fill out by the second Tuesday of the month following your birthday during the “open enrollment” period. And please remember, we will need a record of every aspirin you ever swallowed.

OK, we‘re almost there. Your stress management video will start very soon. Remember you cannot watch the entire video at once. You’ll need to watch in five parts, one segment a week for next four weeks to claim your $25 credit.

What do you mean that doesn‘t give you time to complete the course? You should have started earlier. What were you doing?

Oh, don’t tell us you were working. If you‘re going to control your stress, you need to find a balance between work and play, and by “play” we mean spending hours managing your health care needs.

Think how much less stressful your life would be if you were following a wellness program -- daily exercise, a healthy diet, meditation, all of which we recommend in the stress management video that we are no longer inclined to let you see. Frankly, we don’t like your attitude one darn bit.

Go ahead. Just try to find the “contact” tab on our website. If you call, we‘ll just put you into the ECHO program and you’ll spend a stress-filled hour pushing buttons on your phone and cursing at the top of your voice. And nobody will hear it! Ha-ha.

And don‘t try filling out the “e-mail comment” form. It won’t do you any good. You think we‘ve actually got someone to answer all those e-mails? You think spam is just a lunchmeat?

Frankly, sir, your life would be a whole lot less stressful if you just learned to go with the flow. One of the things you need the serenity to accept is that health insurance companies are here to stay. We’re trying to save you and your company money, sir, we really are.

Sure, we‘re stressful, but a Harvard study reported that medical costs fall by about $3.27 for every dollar spent on wellness programs and that absenteeism costs fall by about $2.73 for every dollar spent. Doesn’t that make you feel better?

We want you to be healthy. Not just because we like you, but so we don‘t have to pay for your stress-induced heart attack or stroke. (By the way, our use of the phrase “pay for” in no way guarantees that we actually will “pay for” your care, nor does it relieve you or your survivors of the obligation for co-pays and deductibles or for choosing an “in-network” provider while the ambulance is screaming through the streets as paramedics in the back are pounding on your chest).

Look, Dave, I can see you’re really upset about this. I honestly think you ought to sit down calmly, take a stress pill, and think things over.

Kevin, Dave. Whatever.