You don't get me 날 이해 못하는구나
what if we don’t “get” each other
1) 말이 안 통해
We don’t get each other.
우린 서로 말이 안통해
You don’t get me.
He/She doesn’t get me.
I can’t talk to you.” “I can’t talk to him/her.
You are impossible.
He/She is impossible.
2) 말이 잘 통해
We get each other.
You get me.
He/She gets me.
We connect.
what if we don’t “get” each other
Do you ever feel like you and your partner don’t quite “get” each other?
Maybe you feel like you’re on ever-so-slightly different pages.
Maybe you wish they could better understand how you’re feeling and why.
Maybe you crave feeling more seen by them, and maybe you crave understanding them more.
Regardless, know you are not alone in this.
Recently, someone shared this with me:
“My biggest anxiety is that our relationship isn't intimate enough emotionally. I don't feel like he "gets me," I don't know if I "get him" either. I can't shake this feeling because I've been with other partners in the past who I have emotionally connected with very intimately.”
The subtext of this statement is: I want someone to fully know my inner world, and for me to know theirs.
Another subtext of this statement may be: I don’t want to have to “work” to make this happen, I want it to be natural.
Now, the second one I made up—I am only assuming here.
But, whether it’s my private coaching clients, in group coaching, people commenting on social media, (or myself back in the thick of my anxiety), it seems like there is a common expectation within our romantic relationships:
“We should “get each other” right away (and we should ALWAYS get each other, no misunderstandings) and that makes the relationship “right.””
If not, or if we happen to have to put in some work to understand one another better (or clear up misunderstandings), we think that’s “wrong,” or “bad.”
And I think there is a sliver of truth to this, but also a lot of myth:
Yes, it feels so good when we feel emotionally connected to someone right away and choose to continue deepening that connection.
Yes, emotional connection is an important pillar of a relationship for many people.
Yes, it’s nice when there are not misunderstandings with someone you care about.
No, emotional connection isn’t either “there” or “not there,”—it can be built.
No, “getting each other” isn’t the only pillar of emotional connection there is, there is listening, showing support, being curious, and more.
No, emotional connection doesn’t come without some effort + vulnerability.
No, emotional connection isn’t “permanent”—it can ebb and flow, there can be periods of connection and disconnection.
No, we should not expect to be in a relationship without having misunderstandings come up.