Topic for Oct 29 (Thur)

[Pauline Yoon]

How to teach a child empathy. (And how not to)    

          

In recent weeks domestic violence has been placed firmly on the national agenda, with our Prime Minister joining prominent voices like Rosie Batty to demand a change in the way we treat others.     

At the heart of the matter is the word ‘respect’. According to the Prime Minister, if men would respect women (and I would add, if parents would respect children), we would see fewer incidences of violence in relationships.

Empathy is the foundation of respect. But what underlies respect? How do we teach it to our children?

To respect another, whether they are a spouse/partner, child, or a neighbour, another skill is required as our foundation — empathy.

Empathy means we see how life is for others. We see the world through their eyes. We stand in their shoes. We remove ourselves from the centre of the universe and place them there for a moment instead. The understanding and compassion that comes from empathy changes relationships and lives. And it is the silver bullet for our domestic violence woes.

As a parenting expert, I am concerned with how we teach skills like empathy to our children. Here are three suggestions:

First, we can model it.

The reality is that because we think the world revolves around us much of the time, we do not typically model empathy well. Here are some quick examples: what do we model to our children when we encounter an impatient driver on the road? How empathetic are we when given poor quality service in a store? Do our children witness our empathy when they fail to follow instructions?

Take a moment and consider your responses. Do you find yourself responding with anger, annoyance, and judgment. Has your universe been thrown off course? Are you mad that you have been cut off, given poor service, or ignored?

We can choose more empathetic alternatives for our children to witness.

Rather than cursing, honking, and gesturing at an inconsiderate driver we might pause and comment “Wow, that driver seems to be in a hurry. I hope they’re OK and not late for a plane or a train ... or maybe they’re rushing to the hospital.” Are they really? Who knows? But this response shows we’re willing to control our responses and respond with empathy and consideration. This is an important lesson for our children.

If we receive lousy customer service, we might comment to our child, “Gee, I wonder what has happened to him today to make him so grumpy? Perhaps the boss got mad at him, or a customer was rude and made him feel bad?”

When dealing with a noncompliant child, we can empathically ask, “Is my child hungry, angry, lonely, tired, stressed, or sick?”

Such responses teach our children that kindness, respect, and compassion — empathy — improves life, relationships, and wellbeing. We show that we can enter the world of another person and see how life may be for them.

Second, we can encourage them to practice perspective taking.

As we read a book we can engage them, asking how each character is feeling in a particular scenario. “We know that the girl is excited. But how about her brother? How does this make him feel?”

During tense times at home we can invite them to consider how their actions and words affect their siblings, or the larger family environment.

Third, we can help guide them to consider the world as it is for others.

Teach them to read and respond to others non-verbal vues. “I know you’re excited about playing that game with your friend, but what did you notice about his face when you suggested it?” “We know that restaurant x is your favourite, and it is your birthday, but do you recall how your grandparents felt last time we went there? What might visiting there again with them lead to?”

It is hard to be violent and disrespectful when you have empathy

Those who hurt family members, whether emotionally, sexually, or violently, fail to see the world through their partner’s or children’s eyes. They must have things their way. They want to be in control. The perspectives, feelings, and preferences of others are ignored and unimportant.

Perhaps many of these offenders never had their perspective considered, or perhaps they were never taught to consider and be respectful and responsive to the perspectives of others. After all, hurt people hurt people.

When we teach our children (by example and precept) to see others as real people, with real feelings, hopes, dreams, and desires, and with the same human frailties we all possess, we teach them to see others as humans whose lives are every bit as precious as their own. We teach them to value and respect others. We teach them to treat others the way others would like to be treated.

When we get this right, we create within them a desire to help rather than hurt. And that is a world I want my children to live in.

Dr Justin Coulson is one of Australia’s leading parenting experts, and a father to six children, from happyfamilies.com.au

@justincoulson

[TOPAZ]

Hi team i cant join. See u tommorrow.

[Alex !]

Ok, see you tmr, Ethan.

[Pauline Yoon]

I have to take my son to the hospital. His toes are broken or sprained. He cannot walk. Sorry.

[Alex !]

oh dear, take good care of your son, Sanghee.