281 (Demotion)

[피터]

I'm just sitting inside, waiting to find out my fate. From the moment I let him repeatedly break his words, I allowed him to create my own destiny. Thus I'm forced to straddle the security divide between lethal and potentially lethal. I don't have a choice now. I can do little to turn the table around.  It is for me to see what lessons lie in the current problems before me. I have to understand I still have to struggle to keep control over what path I'll take. While he might laugh at me because I'm thoughtless and careless in decision making, what others think of me is none of my business. I really don't mind what people assume about me.  Basically, a man's character is his fate. Nothing shows a man's character more than what he laughs at. To be sure, I've spent four years creating a life that others envy and I've got what I want. And I know that the only person who can upset myself is me. Accordingly I should feel best even when I allow others an unfair advantage.  In the end, what it all boils down to is that I don't know exactly where I stand now. The heart of my current problem is that I'm not sure whether I still want to proceed with this situation. In fact, I'm not foresighted but my brain is my private thing. So I don't need the approval of others to have what I need. I don't need people to think that I'm intelligent or good. Though I'm doing a little work for the money, but first and foremost I'm a writer. I've got too many mouths to feed, but in the grand scheme of things this isn't that important. I just want to bring myself to the depths of existence through the dominating thoughts which I permitted to remain in the conscious mind. I'm not obsessed with quality of life, but with the meaning of life. I came a long way and at some point I must have invested enough efforts to get myself to stand out the way I do today. Yet I'm still struggling to change my ideas in my head to fit the realities of external objects. That's why I can't jump and take the chances. However, if I find that there is something else I would rather do, I can go at it. Even if I don't succeed in the first place, I'm much more likely to succeed the next time. Because I know I have only two options, one for myself and another for others.