[Mar. 26, 2016] Saturday meeting topic

1. Why are we becoming so narcissistic? Here’s the science <A href="http://theconversation.com/why-are-we-becoming-so-narcissistic-heres-the-science-55773">http://theconversation.com/why-are-we-becoming-so-narcissistic-heres-the-science-55773</A>   The subject of narcissism has intrigued people for centuries, but social scientists now claim that it has become a modern “epidemic”. So what is it, what has led to its increase, and is there anything we can do about it?   In the beginning The term narcissism originated more than 2,000 years ago, when Ovid wrote the legend of Narcissus. He tells the story of a beautiful Greek hunter who, one day, happens to see his reflection in a pool of water and falls in love with it. He becomes obsessed with its beauty, and is unable to leave his reflected image until he dies. After his death, the flower narcissus grew where he lay. . The concept of narcissism was popularised by the psychoanalyst Sigmund Freud through his work on the ego and its relationship to the outside world; this work became the starting point for many others developing theories on narcissism.   So when does it become a problem? Narcissism lies on a continuum from healthy to pathological. Healthy narcissism is part of normal human functioning. It can represent healthy self-love and confidence that is based on real achievement, the ability to overcome setbacks and derive the support needed from social ties.   But narcissism becomes a problem when the individual becomes preoccupied with the self, needing excessive admiration and approval from others, while showing disregard for other people’s sensitivities. If the narcissist does not receive the attention desired, substance abuse and major depressive disorder can develop.   Narcissists often portray an image of grandiosity or overconfidence to the world, but this is only to cover up deep feelings of insecurity and a fragile self-esteem that is easily bruised by the slightest criticism. Because of these traits, narcissists find themselves in shallow relationships that only serve to satisfy their constant need for attention. When narcissistic traits become so pronounced that they lead to impairment this can indicate the presence of narcissistic personality disorder.   The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders describes narcissistic personality disorder as “a pervasive pattern of grandiosity, need for admiration, and lack of empathy that begins by early adulthood and is present in a variety of contexts”. People with narcissistic personality disorder show a grandiose sense of self-importance, are consumed by fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty or ideal love, and are extremely sensitive to criticism, among other things.   Younger people and men seem to be most affected. The exact causes of narcissistic personality disorder are unknown, but childhood abuse and neglect may be possible factors involved in its formation.   What has led to its increase? In the clinical setting, about 2% to 16% of people suffer from this disorder, while in the general population, less than 1% of people are affected. Some suggest that narcissistic personality disorder is quite rare, but study estimates vary widely depending on sample sizes and the ways that narcissistic traits are assessed.   Others have labelled narcissism a “modern epidemic”, pointing to the rapid change in society that occurred in industrial and post-industrial times as the cause. The past few decades have witnessed a societal shift from a commitment to the collective to a focus on the individual or the self. The self-esteem movement was an important turning point in this. It determined that self-esteem was the key to success in life. Educators and parents started telling their children how special and unique they are to make them feel more confident. Parents tried to “confer” self-esteem upon their children, rather than letting them achieve it through hard work.   The rise of individualism (with its focus on the self and inner feelings) and decline in social norms that accompanied the modernisation of society also meant that the community and the family were no longer able to provide the same support for individuals as they once did. And research has shown that being embedded in social networks – for example, being actively engaged in your community and connected with friends and family – has major health benefits.   As the social fabric deteriorated, it became much harder to meet the basic need for meaningful connection. The question moved from what is best for other people and the family to what is best for me. The modernisation of society seemed to prize fame, wealth, celebrity above all else. All this, combined with the breakdown in social ties created an “empty self, shorn of social meaning”.   The rise in technology and the development of hugely popular social networking sites, such as Facebook, further changed the way we spend our free time and communicate. Today, there are nearly 936m active Facebook users each day worldwide. Internet addiction is a new area of study in mental health and recent cross-sectional research shows that addiction to Facebook is strongly linked to narcissistic behaviour and low self-esteem.   So what can we do about it? Treatment for narcissistic personality disorder exists and this includes pharmacotherapy and psychotherapy. Meditation has also been shown to have positive effects on mental health. Further research, however, is needed on the effectiveness of various treatments.   So what can we do about all this and how can we lead a happy and purposeful life? One of the largest studies on happiness was conducted by a group of Harvard researchers who followed a large cohort of people over a period of 75 years. What they discovered – unsurprisingly – was that fame and money were not the secrets to happiness. Rather, the most important thing in life and the greatest predictor of satisfaction was having strong and supportive relationships – essentially, that “the journey from immaturity to maturity is a sort of movement from narcissism to connection”.   So maybe it’s time to take a break from that smartphone, shut off your computer and meet up with a friend or two. Maybe, just maybe, you might feel a little better – and boost your self-esteem.   Questions: 1. Do you think you are a narcissist? Why or why not? 2. Do you know anyone who is so narcissistic? Who is the person and how do you feel about it? 2. According to the article, narcissism is becoming an epidemic nowadays and one of the reasons is that parents try to give their children confience instead of teaching them self-worth and encourging them to be confident. What is your opinion on this?       2. 10 ways to have a better conversation (TED) All right, I want to see a show of hands: how many of you have unfriended someone on Facebook because they said something offensive about politics or religion, childcare, food?   And how many of you know at least one person that you avoid because you just don't want to talk to them?   You know, it used to be that in order to have a polite conversation, we just had to follow the advice of Henry Higgins in "My Fair Lady": Stick to the weather and your health. But these days, with climate change and anti-vaxxing, those subjects -- are not safe either. So this world that we live in, this world in which every conversation has the potential to devolve into an argument, where our politicians can't speak to one another and where even the most trivial of issues have someone fighting both passionately for it and against it, it's not normal. Pew Research did a study of 10,000 American adults, and they found that at this moment, we are more polarized, we are more divided, than we ever have been in history. We're less likely to compromise, which means we're not listening to each other. And we make decisions about where to live, who to marry and even who our friends are going to be, based on what we already believe. Again, that means we're not listening to each other. A conversation requires a balance between talking and listening, and somewhere along the way, we lost that balance.   Now, part of that is due to technology. The smartphones that you all either have in your hands or close enough that you could grab them really quickly. According to Pew Research, about a third of American teenagers send more than a hundred texts a day. And many of them, almost most of them, are more likely to text their friends than they are to talk to them face to face. There's this great piece in The Atlantic. It was written by a high school teacher named Paul Barnwell. And he gave his kids a communication project. He wanted to teach them how to speak on a specific subject without using notes. And he said this: "I came to realize..."   "I came to realize that conversational competence might be the single most overlooked skill we fail to teach. Kids spend hours each day engaging with ideas and each other through screens, but rarely do they have an opportunity to hone their interpersonal communications skills. It might sound like a funny question, but we have to ask ourselves: Is there any 21st-century skill more important than being able to sustain coherent, confident conversation?"   Now, I make my living talking to people: Nobel Prize winners, truck drivers, billionaires, kindergarten teachers, heads of state, plumbers. I talk to people that I like. I talk to people that I don't like. I talk to some people that I disagree with deeply on a personal level. But I still have a great conversation with them. So I'd like to spend the next 10 minutes or so teaching you how to talk and how to listen.   Many of you have already heard a lot of advice on this, things like look the person in the eye, think of interesting topics to discuss in advance, look, nod and smile to show that you're paying attention, repeat back what you just heard or summarize it. So I want you to forget all of that. It is crap.   There is no reason to learn how to show you're paying attention if you are in fact paying attention.   Now, I actually use the exact same skills as a professional interviewer that I do in regular life. So, I'm going to teach you how to interview people, and that's actually going to help you learn how to be better conversationalists. Learn to have a conversation without wasting your time, without getting bored, and, please God, without offending anybody.   We've all had really great conversations. We've had them before. We know what it's like. The kind of conversation where you walk away feeling engaged and inspired, or where you feel like you've made a real connection or you've been perfectly understood. There is no reason why most of your interactions can't be like that.   So I have 10 basic rules. I'm going to walk you through all of them, but honestly, if you just choose one of them and master it, you'll already enjoy better conversations.   Number one: Don't multitask. And I don't mean just set down your cell phone or your tablet or your car keys or whatever is in your hand. I mean, be present. Be in that moment. Don't think about your argument you had with your boss. Don't think about what you're going to have for dinner. If you want to get out of the conversation, get out of the conversation, but don't be half in it and half out of it.   Number two: Don't pontificate. If you want to state your opinion without any opportunity for response or argument or pushback or growth, write a blog.   Now, there's a really good reason why I don't allow pundits on my show: Because they're really boring. If they're conservative, they're going to hate Obama and food stamps and abortion. If they're liberal, they're going to hate big banks and oil corporations and Dick Cheney. Totally predictable. And you don't want to be like that. You need to enter every conversation assuming that you have something to learn. The famed therapist M. Scott Peck said that true listening requires a setting aside of oneself. And sometimes that means setting aside your personal opinion. He said that sensing this acceptance, the speaker will become less and less vulnerable and more and more likely to open up the inner recesses of his or her mind to the listener. Again, assume that you have something to learn.   Bill Nye: "Everyone you will ever meet knows something that you don't." I put it this way: Everybody is an expert in something.   Number three: Use open-ended questions. In this case, take a cue from journalists. Start your questions with who, what, when, where, why or how. If you put in a complicated question, you're going to get a simple answer out. If I ask you, "Were you terrified?" you're going to respond to the most powerful word in that sentence, which is "terrified," and the answer is "Yes, I was" or "No, I wasn't." "Were you angry?" "Yes, I was very angry." Let them describe it. They're the ones that know. Try asking them things like, "What was that like?" "How did that feel?" Because then they might have to stop for a moment and think about it, and you're going to get a much more interesting response.   Number four: Go with the flow. That means thoughts will come into your mind and you need to let them go out of your mind. We've heard interviews often in which a guest is talking for several minutes and then the host comes back in and asks a question which seems like it comes out of nowhere, or it's already been answered. That means the host probably stopped listening two minutes ago because he thought of this really clever question, and he was just bound and determined to say that. And we do the exact same thing. We're sitting there having a conversation with someone, and then we remember that time that we met Hugh Jackman in a coffee shop. And we stop listening. Stories and ideas are going to come to you. You need to let them come and let them go.   Number five: If you don't know, say that you don't know. Now, people on the radio, especially on NPR, are much more aware that they're going on the record, and so they're more careful about what they claim to be an expert in and what they claim to know for sure. Do that. Err on the side of caution. Talk should not be cheap.   Number six: Don't equate your experience with theirs. If they're talking about having lost a family member, don't start talking about the time you lost a family member. If they're talking about the trouble they're having at work, don't tell them about how much you hate your job. It's not the same. It is never the same. All experiences are individual. And, more importantly, it is not about you. You don't need to take that moment to prove how amazing you are or how much you've suffered. Somebody asked Stephen Hawking once what his IQ was, and he said, "I have no idea. People who brag about their IQs are losers."   Conversations are not a promotional opportunity.   Number seven: Try not to repeat yourself. It's condescending, and it's really boring, and we tend to do it a lot. Especially in work conversations or in conversations with our kids, we have a point to make, so we just keep rephrasing it over and over. Don't do that.   Number eight: Stay out of the weeds. Frankly, people don't care about the years, the names, the dates, all those details that you're struggling to come up with in your mind. They don't care. What they care about is you. They care about what you're like, what you have in common. So forget the details. Leave them out.   Number nine: This is not the last one, but it is the most important one. Listen. I cannot tell you how many really important people have said that listening is perhaps the most, the number one most important skill that you could develop. Buddha said, and I'm paraphrasing, "If your mouth is open, you're not learning." And Calvin Coolidge said, "No man ever listened his way out of a job."   Why do we not listen to each other? Number one, we'd rather talk. When I'm talking, I'm in control. I don't have to hear anything I'm not interested in. I'm the center of attention. I can bolster my own identity. But there's another reason: We get distracted. The average person talks at about 225 word per minute, but we can listen at up to 500 words per minute. So our minds are filling in those other 275 words. And look, I know, it takes effort and energy to actually pay attention to someone, but if you can't do that, you're not in a conversation. You're just two people shouting out barely related sentences in the same place.   You have to listen to one another. Stephen Covey said it very beautifully. He said, "Most of us don't listen with the intent to understand. We listen with the intent to reply."   One more rule, number 10, and it's this one: Be brief.   [A good conversation is like a miniskirt; short enough to retain interest, but long enough to cover the subject. -- My Sister]   All of this boils down to the same basic concept, and it is this one: Be interested in other people.   You know, I grew up with a very famous grandfather, and there was kind of a ritual in my home. People would come over to talk to my grandparents, and after they would leave, my mother would come over to us, and she'd say, "Do you know who that was? She was the runner-up to Miss America. He was the mayor of Sacramento. She won a Pulitzer Prize. He's a Russian ballet dancer." And I kind of grew up assuming everyone has some hidden, amazing thing about them. And honestly, I think it's what makes me a better host. I keep my mouth shut as often as I possibly can, I keep my mind open, and I'm always prepared to be amazed, and I'm never disappointed.   You do the same thing. Go out, talk to people, listen to people, and, most importantly, be prepared to be amazed.   Thanks.   Questions: 1. What is a good conversation? Do you think you are a good conversationist? Why or why not? 2. Out of the 10 rules, what is the most useful tip for you to have a bettter conversation? 3. Do you think the social media can help us better communicate with each other? Why or why not?      2. The Oscars proved that Asians still aren’t taken seriously in pop culture <A href="https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/arts-and-entertainment/wp/2016/02/29/the-oscars-proved-that-asians-still-arent-taken-seriously-in-pop-culture/">https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/arts-and-entertainment/wp/2016/02/29/the-oscars-proved-that-asians-still-arent-taken-seriously-in-pop-culture/</A>   For more than two hours Sunday night, I could not have asked for a better Academy Awards. Chris Rock’s biting criticism of Hollywood’s lack of diversity turned what is typically an awkward, self-serving and uninspired telecast into a funny, witty and provocative performance on race and racial issues at the Oscars.   This is the Oscars we deserve and Rock is the perfect host for it, I thought.   But halfway through the show, I began to wonder — with all the talk of diversity, where was the Asian representation? In the crowd or on the stage, those of Asian descent were scarce. By my tally, only Olivia Munn, whose mother is of Chinese descent, and Bollywood star Priyanka Chopra had made an appearance at that point. Dev Patel of “Slumdog Millionaire” fame would also present later on in the show, followed by South Korean star Byung-hun Lee.   Before I even had time to process my own question, Rock provided me with an answer when he brought three Asian children to the stage, each dressed in a tux and posing as “bankers” from a financial firm.     Chris Rock presents children representing “accountants from PricewaterhouseCoopers.” (Mark Ralston/AFP/Getty Images) Unfortunately, the first non-white or black reference by Rock at the Oscars was to make an outdated stereotype about Asians being good at math and a child-labor reference.   “They sent us their most dedicated, accurate and hard-working representatives,” Rock said of the kids, who clearly did not understand the bit. “Please welcome Ming Zhu, Bao Ling and David Moskowitz.”   “If anybody’s upset about that joke, just tweet about it on your phone that was also made by these kids,” Rock continued.   Got it.   “The joke about the Asian kids would’ve stung less if there were more Asians on stage tonight,” ESPN The Magazine senior writer Mina Kimes tweeted.   [If the Oscars were all about diversity, why the crude Asian joke?]   She was hardly the only one who felt that way.   Asians have struggled to enter the conversation in Hollywood for as long as I can remember. Growing up, I noticed that roles which had Asians in the source material would go to white actors (e.g. “21”) and movies adapted from manga comic books would cast a white lead (“Dragon Ball Z,” anyone?).   It’s why the recent Netflix sitcom “Master of None,” created by Aziz Ansari and Alan Yang, two minorities of Asian descent, was seen as such a breakthrough. I took pride in watching an Asian lead actor talking about issues that I cared about, and not being cast in a stereotypical role. Asians, contrary to what the Hollywood powers may believe, can live typical American lives.   [‘Master of None’s’ refreshing take on diverse friend groups]   As the Oscars continued, I had trouble laughing at some of Rock’s jokes, unable to shake a bit that clearly proved that Asians in Hollywood, and in society in general, have much further to go to enter social consciousness, and be taken seriously in pop culture.   It did not help that Sacha Baron Cohen, in character as Ali G, also made a crude Asian joke later on in the show.   “How come there’s no Oscar from them very hard-working, little yellow people with tiny dongs?,” he asked. “You know, the Minions!”   Hilarious.   Overall, Rock did an admirable job carrying on the nearly four-hour telecast, and the issue of diversity in Hollywood was discussed and dissected, as it should have been. I’m glad the Oscars are making an effort to improve diversity. I just hope that one day that includes Asians as well.   Questions: 1. What are Asians' stereotypical roles in films? And what do you think is the reason behind it? 2. Do you think hollywood films need more diversity? Why or why not? 3. What efforts should be made for Asians to increase their presence and better represent Asians in movies?