PART I // chapter 2-3

[모나리자]

"왜 가는 거야?" 라스콜니코프가 말했다. "글쎄, 아무도 없으면 갈 곳이 없잖아! 모든 사람은 갈 곳이 있어야 하잖아. 꼭 가야 할 때가 있으니까! 내 딸이 처음에 노란색 티켓을 가지고 나갔을 때, 나도 가야 했어... (내 딸은 노란색 여권을 가지고 있으니까)" 그는 괄호 안에 덧붙여, 그 청년을 불안한 표정으로 바라보았다.

"상관없어요, 선생님, 상관 없어요!" 그는 서둘러 말을 이었다. 카운터에 있는 두 소년이 웃고 여관 주인마저 미소를 지었을 때, 그는 겉보기에 침착한 태도로 말했다. "상관없어요, 그들이 고개를 흔드는 것에 당황하지 않아요. 모두가 이미 모든 것을 알고 있고, 비밀은 모두 공개되었으니까요.

그리고 나는 그것을 모두 받아들인다. 경멸하는 마음이 아니라 겸손하게. 그렇게 되기를! 그렇게 되기를! '저 남자를 봐요!' 실례합니다, 청년, 당신은... 아니, 더 강하게, 더 분명하게 표현하자면; 아니, 나를 보고 감히 내가 돼지가 아니라고 주장할 수 있겠어?" 청년은 아무 말도 하지 않았다. "글쎄요." 연설가는 방 안의 웃음소리가 가라앉을 때까지 기다린 후, 다시 침착하게, 그리고 더욱 위엄 있게 말을 시작했다.

"글쎄요, 그럴 수 있겠죠, 나는 돼지지만, 그녀는 숙녀예요! 나는 짐승의 모습을 하고 있지만, 내 배우자인 카테리나 이바노브나는 교육받은 사람이고 장교의 딸이에요. 물론, 물론, 나는 악당이지만, 그녀는 고귀한 마음을 가진 여성이고, 정서가 가득하고, 교육으로 세련되었어요. 하지만... 오, 그녀가 나를 동정해 주었으면! 존경하는 선생님, 존경하는 선생님, 당신은 모든 사람이 사람들이 그를 동정해 주는 곳이 적어도 한 군데는 있어야 한다는 것을 알고 계십니다! 하지만 카테리나 이바노브나는 너그러우면서도 불의합니다.... 하지만 그녀가 제 머리카락을 잡아당길 때 그것은 동정심에서 비롯된 것이라는 것을 알고 있지만—부끄러움 없이 반복하지만,

그녀는 제 머리카락을 잡아당깁니다, 젊은이여,” 그는 다시 웃음소리를 들으며 두 배로 위엄을 더해 선언했습니다—“하지만, 제발, 그녀가 한 번만이라도.... 하지만 안 돼요, 안 돼요! 다 헛수고이고 말해도 소용없어요! 말해도 소용없어요! 한 번 이상,

제 소원이 이루어졌고 한 번 이상 그녀가 저를 사랑했지만... 제 운명은 이렇고 저는 본성적으로 짐승이에요!” “오히려!” 여관 주인이 하품을 하며 동의했습니다. 마르멜라도프는 주먹을 단호하게 탁자에 내리쳤습니다. “제 운명은 이렇습니다! 아시나요, 선생님, 아시나요, 제가 그녀의 양말을 술값으로 팔았다는 걸요? 그녀의 신발은 아니에요—그건 대략 순서대로겠지만, 그녀의 양말, 그녀의 양말을 술값으로 팔았어요! 그녀의 모헤어 숄을 술값으로 팔았어.

오래전에 그녀에게 준 선물이었어. 내 것이 아니라 그녀 소유물이야. 우리는 추운 방에서 살고 있고 그녀는 이번 겨울에 감기에 걸려서 기침을 하고 피를 뱉기 시작했어. 우리는 세 명의 어린 자녀가 있고 카테리나 이바노브나는 아침부터 저녁까지 일하고 있어. 그녀는 아이들을 문지르고 청소하고 씻기고 있어. 그녀는 어린 시절부터 청결에 익숙해졌거든. 하지만 그녀의 가슴은 약하고 소모증 경향이 있어. 나도 느껴! 내가 느끼지 못하는 걸까? 그리고 더 많이 마실수록 더 느껴져. 그래서 나도 마셔.

나는 술에서 동정심과 감정을 찾으려고 노력해.... 나는 두 배나 더 고통받기 위해 마셔!" 그리고 절망에 빠진 듯이 그는 머리를 테이블에 얹었다. "젊은이," 그는 다시 고개를 들며 말을 이었다. "당신의 얼굴에서 나는 마음의 문제를 읽는 듯해. 당신이 들어왔을 때 나는 그것을 읽었고, 그래서 나는 즉시 당신에게 말을 걸었던 거야. 내가 당신들에게 내 인생 이야기를 펼쳐 보이면서, 이미 모든 것을 다 알고 있는 이 게으른 청취자들 앞에서 나 자신을 웃음거리로 만들고 싶지 않습니다.

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“Why do you go?” put in Raskolnikov. “Well, when one has no one, nowhere else one can go! For every man must have somewhere to go. Since there are times when one absolutely must go somewhere! When my own daughter first went out with a yellow ticket, then I had to go... (for my daughter has a yellow passport),” he added in parenthesis, looking with a certain uneasiness at the young man.

“No matter, sir, no matter!” he went on hurriedly and with apparent composure when both the boys at the counter guffawed and even the innkeeper smiled—“No matter, I am not confounded by the wagging of their heads; for everyone knows everything about it already, and all that is secret is made open.

And I accept it all, not with contempt, but with humility. So be it! So be it! ‘Behold the man!’ Excuse me, young man, can you.... No, to put it more strongly and more distinctly; not can you but dare you, looking upon me, assert that I am not a pig?” The young man did not answer a word. “Well,” the orator began again stolidly and with even increased dignity, after waiting for the laughter in the room to subside.

“Well, so be it, I am a pig, but she is a lady! I have the semblance of a beast, but Katerina Ivanovna, my spouse, is a person of education and an officer’s daughter. Granted, granted, I am a scoundrel, but she is a woman of a noble heart, full of sentiments, refined by education. And yet... oh, if only she felt for me! Honoured sir, honoured sir, you know every man ought to have at least one place where people feel for him! But Katerina Ivanovna, though she is magnanimous, she is unjust.... And yet, although I realise that when she pulls my hair she only does it out of pity—for I repeat without being ashamed,

she pulls my hair, young man,” he declared with redoubled dignity, hearing the sniggering again—“but, my God, if she would but once.... But no, no! It’s all in vain and it’s no use talking! No use talking! For more than once,

my wish did come true and more than once she has felt for me but... such is my fate and I am a beast by nature!” “Rather!” assented the innkeeper yawning. Marmeladov struck his fist resolutely on the table. “Such is my fate! Do you know, sir, do you know, I have sold her very stockings for drink? Not her shoes—that would be more or less in the order of things, but her stockings, her stockings I have sold for drink! Her mohair shawl I sold for drink,

a present to her long ago, her own property, not mine; and we live in a cold room and she caught cold this winter and has begun coughing and spitting blood too. We have three little children and Katerina Ivanovna is at work from morning till night; she is scrubbing and cleaning and washing the children, for she’s been used to cleanliness from a child. But her chest is weak and she has a tendency to consumption and I feel it! Do you suppose I don’t feel it? And the more I drink the more I feel it. That’s why I drink too.

I try to find sympathy and feeling in drink.... I drink so that I may suffer twice as much!” And as though in despair he laid his head down on the table. “Young man,” he went on, raising his head again, “in your face I seem to read some trouble of mind. When you came in I read it, and that was why I addressed you at once. For in unfolding to you the story of my life, I do not wish to make myself a laughing-stock before these idle listeners, who indeed know all about it already,