rewrite 1

[-솔이공주-]

 

Many of us believe that young people have nothing valuable to teach older people. However, that is not always the case. Young people are usually better than older people at using new forms of technology. For example, I taught my grandmother how to use Internet, and I taught my grandfather  how to use the cell phone. It took a while to teach  these things, but now they can use  them easily. There are also more serious things that younger people can teach older people about. Today, children learn about AIDS and other big issues in school. These are serious social issues, but older people don't always understand them. I once made a short and definite explanation about one big social issue to my grandparents, and  my explanation made them to think about it once more. There are some people who say  that the children can't teach adults, but I  think it's not true. However, I believe that  children have plenty to teach older people.

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Many of us believe that young people have nothing valuable to teach older people. However, that is not always the case. Young people are usually better than older people at using new forms of technology. For example, I taught my grandmother how to use internet (Ar / Cp), and I taught my grand father (WF) how to use the cell phone. It took a while to teach it / them, but now they can use it / them easily. [ ]There are also more serious things that younger people can teach older people about. Today, children learn about AIDS and other big issues in school. These are serious social issues, but older people don't always understand them. Once,** I made a short and definite explanation about it *** to my grand parents (WF), and they thought / it made them think about it ***  once more. There are some people who says (N) its (Pn)***  not true. How ever (WF), I believe that  children have plenty of knowledge to teach (C) older people.

* Here "them" can refer to your grandparents or what you taught. If you want to make clear you mean the latter, you can say, "took a while to teach these things".

** At the sentence beginning, you normally say "One day". If you want to use "once", put it later in the sentence, for instance, after the subject: I once made a ... --> check the use of "once" in the dictionary.

*** What is the referent of "it"? You do not mention its referent. You keep having the problem of using a pronoun without a clear referent, and need to work on this. If there is no clear referent, you have to say it directly rather than saying "it". For instance, if "it" refers to the AIDS issue, you should say "AIDS issue" rather than "it". Please think about what the "it" refers to (three altogehter) and make the necessary correction.

Markings
A = awkward

Ar = correct the articles
C = find the right collocation (See "Patterns and collocations" in the Guide)
Cp = correct the capitalization
D = delete

E = find a better expression‎!
G = correct the grammar
N = correct the number
P = find the right pattern (See "Patterns and collocations" in the Guide)
Pn = correct the punctuation
Ps = find a better position
S = find a better sentence structure
T = correct the tense
U = unclear

W = wordy

WF = correct the word form (including spelling)
[ ] = find the missing word
[text] = added by the teacher
text / text = student expression‎! / teacher's suggestion
* = See the comment below

[-솔이공주-]

*I'm not sure what (AR-correct the article means...) **For this essay, I copied the idea from other longer essay.

[유진승]

The articles include a, the, and zero. I am saying you need to find the right article for the noun you are using. Could you retitle this message as rewrite 1? I am having trouble writing tail notes. I will get back and try to do it again tomorrow.

[유진승]

made them to think -> made them think (more attention to the comments please!) // There are some people ... --> This is ok but a bit redundant because you said something very similar at the beginning (People think young people can't teach adults). So I would make it more simple and say: "So I don't think it's true that young people cannot teach adults."

[유진승]

plenty to teach: This is very good. ^^ You don't teach knowledge; rather, you give, share, or convey knowledge. So teach and knowledge are not good collocates (do not get along very well). // Now please do another rewrite. Please change the title of this piece into rewrite 1, and title the next one as rewrite 2.

[유진승]

[ ]There are also ... -> Furthermore, there are also ...