소설 한옥례, 무심천에 지는 달 (2) 모충동에 부는 바람

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무심천에 지는 달

(2) 모충동에 부는 바람

 술 없이는 잠을 잘 수 없다.

 한 잔의 소주가 두 잔이 되고 세 잔이 되더니 이제는 1병을 먹어도 정신이 말짱하다. 1년도 안 된 지나간 날들이 전혀 현실감이 없다. 극장에서 보고 또 보던 누군가가 만든 활동사진 같다.

   순덕은 어릴 때부터 시골 동네의 모범적인 큰 애기였다. 어른 앞에서는 건방지다고 젓가락도 못쓰게 해서 김치며 나물반찬을 손가락으로 집어먹었다. 칫솔이 귀해서 굵은 왕소금을 손가락에 쿡 찍어서 이도 닦았다. 한참 멋을 부릴 때는 손톱에 봉숭아물을 들이고 아카시아 잎을 따서 파마도 말았다. 서울언니 집에 다니러 가서 앞머리 살짝 애교스럽게 불 파마를 하고 와서도 집에서는 아버지에게 들킬까봐 수건을 써서 파마머리를 감추고  들이나 밭에 일 나가서는 벗었다. 파마 한 것을 얼마 동안을 모르고 지나가다 아버지는 콩을 도리깨질로 털고 순덕은 그 콩을 키로 까불러 알맹이만 포대에 담는 일을 마당에서 하다가 수건이 벗겨지는 바람에 들통이 나고 말았다. 그때는 그냥 아무 말도 없이 넘어갔다. 그러나 언제 터질지 모르는 시한폭탄을 앉은 것처럼 가슴이 두근 반 세근 반 뛰기 시작 했다. 매도 먼저 맞는 것이 났다고 이 고생을 하고 들킬 바에는 차라리 처음부터 펴놓고 매를 먼저 맞을 걸 애써 숨겨온 지난 시간까지 후회스러웠다. 한참을 아무 일 없이 지나서 이제는 그냥 지나가나 했다.

  그러던 어느 장날, 장에 가신 아버지는 김 서방 박 서방 만나서 한잔 두잔 하다가 술독에 빠져 들어오셨다. 밤이 새도록 그 술이 다 깨도록 작대기를 들고    

 “어느 놈 꼬실라고 앞대가리 종달새 대가리처럼 꼬실러 왔냐.”

 한소리 또 하고 한소리 또 하며 어디서 그렇게 기운이 넘치는지 노발대발 달아나는 순덕을 따라서 강아지가 제 꼬리 물려고 빙글빙글 돌듯이 초가삼간 돌담을 뱅글뱅글 들고, 돌며 밤을 새우고 술도 깨었다.

  그 일이 생기고 며칠 뒤

  군인 간 동네 먼 친척 오빠가 휴가 나왔다며 군인 하나를 데리고 와서 물을 달라 했다.  그 군인에게 대접에 물을 담아 건네며 슬쩍 보니 봉투라지 (제대로 못 크고, 울퉁불퉁한 과일이나 채소로 충청도 사투리)도 참외 봉투라지 라면 때깔이나 곱지, 얼굴이 꼭 가지 봉투라지 처럼 생겨서 키는 짜리몽땅하고 얼굴은 새까맣고 눈만 반짝반짝 했다고 한다.

  훗날 그 가지 봉투라지 같은 군인이 남편이 되리라고는 상상하지 못했다.

  그해 가을

 제대하고 나온 동네 친척 오빠를 따라 청주에 사돈 될 사람을 상견례 하러 간다고 했던 아버지는 아예 혼인날을 받아 가지고 왔다. 돈을 주고받는 현장을 보거나 확인된 사실은 없지만 청주를 다녀온 후에 몇 달은 초등학교 근처 주막집 출입이 자주 있고 술주정도 줄었지만 어느 날 엄마와 싸우는 소리를 순덕은 잠결에 들었다.

  “술을 평생을 퍼 먹고도 부족해서 술 더 퍼먹고 싶어서  딸 팔아 먹였어요?.” 하며 악을 악으로 쓰는 소리를 들었다.

  그때 엄마의 악을 쓰는 소리가 지금도 귓가에 맴도는데 순덕은 지금 그 술이 없으면 잠을 못자는 알 콜 중독자가 되어 갔다.

  아버지는 청주에 다녀온 날, 그날도 술이 얼큰하게 취한 얼굴에 온화한 목소리로

  “나무가 많은 걸로 보아서 나쁜 놈들 사는 동네는 아닌 것 같고 (지금의 가로수 길을 차를 타고 지났던 모양이다) 사위 될 사람 관상은 성깔이 좀 있게 보여도 그런 놈이 식구 밥은 굶기지 않을 것 같아서 아예 날을 잡아 왔다.”라고하며 시집가라 했다. 부모님 말씀이 부처님이나 하느님 말씀이니 본인의 의사와는 전혀 상관이 없었다. 술주정을 하던 폭력을 행사 하든 부모님이 앉으라면 앉고 서라면 서고 때리면 맞았다. 그래서 시집가라 하면 가야 했다.

  선택의 여지가 없다.

  말만한 처녀가 엉덩이에 바람이 나서 앞이마 머리까락을 종달새처럼 지지고 뽁고 다니니 동네 사람 남세스러운 소문나기 전에 치워야 한다는 것이다.

  연애를 하거나 바람이 나면 집안 망신이라고 동네에서 쫓아내거나 자의반 타의반으로 대대로 살아온 고향 땅을 떠나야 했던 때라 20살이 넘으면 노처녀 노총각이라고 불렸다.

  그렇게 해서 아버지 술값 몇 푼에 시집이라고 집을 떠나온 순덕은 혼수를 제대로 못해왔다고 노골적으로 시집살이가 시작되었다. 시부모님은 다 돌아가시고 8남매가 한 집에 사는 대가족인데 남편은 둘째였다. 한 집에 사는 형님 시집살이가 맵고 인정사정없이 혹독했다.

  점심은 건너뛰고 아침저녁만 먹는데 쌀은 형님이 주는 대로 쌀 한 바가지에 된장을 풀고 무청 시래기로 가마솥에 장정10명의 죽을 만들어야 했다.  무청이 부족하면 고구마 줄거리를 무청대신 소나 먹을 정도의 죽을 끓였다. 언제나 아홉 그릇을 푸고 나면 시래기죽은 순덕이 몫이 부족했다. 가을이면 꽤나 많은 양의 무청 시래기를 짚으로 엮어서 초가집 처마에 매달아 놓고 겨울동안 먹는, 없어서는 안 될 양식이다.

  비가 오는 날 식구들이 옷을 벗어 놓으면 빨래가 손수레로 하나 가득한데 그 빨래는 아무리 빨아도 줄어들 줄 몰랐다. 시집이나 친정이나 일이야 하는 일이지만 그래도 친정에서는 일하다 힘들면 쉬기도 하고 배가 고프면 먹는 거는 마음대로 먹었다.

  신혼살림은 방 가운데 이불보로 칸막이를 하고 가운데 구멍을 내서 형광등을 달아서 불을 끄고 키는 스위치는 형님 쪽에 있어서 형님이 불을 켜면 바느질이라도 하고 끄면 속절없이 아무것도 못했다. 친정집은 등잔불이지만 그래도 이곳은 도시라고 현 광등 불이였다.

  요강을 들어 놓고 오줌 누는 소리가 들려서 요강 속에 지푸라기를 넣기도 했다. 풀을 먹인 이불 호청이 움직이는 대로 버석 거리는 소리까지 들리는 한방이나 똑같은 방에서 형님이나 순덕이나 불편하고 조심스럽기는 매한가지였다.

  그러다가 남편이 화물차 조수로 취직이 되는 바람에 큰 아이를 출산하고 얼마 안돼서 월세 방을 얻어서 살림을 따로 났다. 해도 해도 끝이 없는 집안일 속에서 해방되었다. 사는 것이 재미있었다. 돈도 버는 대로 모이고 밥을 안 먹어도 배가 부르다.  세상이 나만 위하여 존재하는 것 같다. 꽃이 나만 위하여 피는 것 같고, 새도 나를 위하여 노래하는 것 같았다. 뜨개질도 하고 십자수도 놓았다. 틈틈이 바느질품도 팔아가며 알뜰살뜰 행복 했다.

  둘째 아이를 임신 하고 태몽 꿈이 좋아서인지 남편은 운전수로 진급도 하고 돈이 모아지기 시작했다. 그러던 어느 날 트럭을 운전하고 일 나간 남편을 경찰서 유치장에서 만났다. 닭의 모가지를 비틀어도 아침은 오고 뻐꾸기시계의 뻐꾸기 주둥이를 틀어막아도 시간은 갔다. 죄의 값을 법대로 이년 반을 몸으로 때우고 남편이 집으로 돌아왔을 때는 순덕은 이미 옛날의 순덕이가 아니다. 서로가 낯설고 서먹서먹했다.

  쌀을 사라고 돈을 주면 화장품을 사고 월세를 내라고 돈을 주면 옷을 샀다. 남편이 감옥에 있는 동안 법원에 다니는 늙은 남자와 바람이 났다. 처음에는 판사인가 검사인가라고 해서 만났는데 나중에 알고 보니 법원은 법원인데 집 달관 사무실에 사무장이라고도 하고 경매물건에 딱지 붙이는 사람이라고도 했다. 발 없는 소문은 날개가 있어 돌고 돌아 순덕이 남편에게도 들어갔다.

  모아 놓은 돈은 한 푼도 없는데 어떤 용도로 얼마의 돈을 쓴 건지 알 수 없어서 조심스럽게 물어 보면 우물쭈물 피해간다. 순덕은 알 콜 중독에다 정신까지 오락가락 한다. 사람이 변해도 너무 변했다.

   어찌 하겠는가 환자라지 않는 가 환자라니 환장할 일이다. 그러나 순덕은 아주 정신이 없는 것은 아니다. 처음에는 정신이 왔다 갔다 했지만 남편이 감옥에 있는 동안 일어난 일들을 수습 할 수도 고백 할 수도 없었다. 동네에 돌아다니는 소문을 막을 길도 없다.

  처음부터 바람이 나고 싶어서 난 것이 아니고 전후 사정을 일일이 설명 할 수도 없는 일이고 이유야 어떠하던 남편이 감옥에 있는 동안 바람난 여자가 맞다. 어차피 죽일 년이니 내친 김에 미친 척 하기로 했다.

  세상을 살면서 바지가 반만 벗겨졌을 때는 부끄러워 어찌 할 바를 모른다. 그러나 바지가 완전히 벗겨지고 알몸이 되면 오히려 담담하고 뻔뻔해진다. 남편이 이끄는 대로 청량리 정신병원도 가고 시집 식구들이 무당을 불러 굿을 해도 모른 체 했다.

  순덕은 환자다. 제 정신이 아니기 때문에 동정이나 이해가 되었지만 외부에서 불어오는 바람은 환자라고 이해하고 잠잠해 지는데 문제는 순덕이안에서 불어대는 바람이었다. 마음은

 ‘안 되는데 안 되는데’하건만 그 썩어질 몸뚱이는

 ‘되 는데 되 는데’ 하고 만나자고 하기만 하면 못 이기는 척하고 달려가겠지만 은근히 기다려도 연락이 없어서 애간장이 녹는다. 화냥년 잡년이 따로 없다. 다잡아도 흔들리는 마음은 어쩌란 말이냐.

  남편이 꼴도 보기 싫어 졌다. 걸음걸이 코고는 소리도 듣기 싫고 옷걸이에 걸려있는 옷도 보기 싫다. 음식을 씹어서 넘기는 소리, 밥 먹다 코푸는 것도 저질스럽고, 먹기는 왜 그리 많이 처먹는지 먹는 것도 아깝다.

  사람 마음이 이토록 간사 하고 변덕스러운지 모르겠다. 자신을 달래고 질책해도 온통 마음속에 그 잡놈 생각뿐이고 이제나 부를까 저제나 부를까 보고파서 죽을 지경이다. 누군가는 좋아 하는 사람과 함께 있으면 천국이요. 싫어하는 사람과 함께 있으면 지옥이라 했다. 남편이 무조건 싫어졌다. 순덕은 지금 지옥에 있다. 무작정 탈출하고 싶었다. 이혼하자고 떼를 쓰기 시작 했다.

   똥 싼 놈이 성낸다고 누가 할 소리를 하는 가 남편이 기가 막혀 말이 안 나왔다.

  들리는 소문도 무시하고 이꼴 저꼴 별꼴 다 보아도 참아 왔다. 감옥에 있는 동안 변해버린 순덕이를 무조건 이해하고 용서하고 무슨 일이 있었느냐고 묻지도 않고 돈을 어디에 어떻게 쓴 거냐고 따지지도 않았다.

  지난 시간은 이미 엎질러진 물이니 참고 참으며 나름대로 무던히 애를 썼다. 하지만 순덕이 이혼 해달라는 소리를 당당하고 발칙하게 하는 태도에 남편은 폭력적으로 변해갔다.

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(2) The Wind Blew in Mochung-dong Town

Soonduk couldn't sleep without the help of alcohol.

Her drinking number of glasses of soju gradually increased from one to two, three, and now she could drink even one whole bottle but could stand sane. The past days of less than a year gave her no sense of reality at all. It looked like a motion picture made by someone that she watched again and again in the theater.

Soonduk was an exemplary big baby in the rural village since her childhood. She took 'kimchi', the Korean pickled cabbage and other vegetable side dish by using fingers instead of using chopsticks as she was forbidden to use them on account of using the chopsticks was an arrogant attitude in front of adults.

She brushed her teeth dipping her fingers in coarse salts as toothbrush was rare at that time. In the time when she tried to look pretty, she dyed her nails with surprise lily, and permed her hair by picking acacia leaves.

When she visited her elder sister in Seoul, she had her front hair slightly permed to be seen a little bit cute but when she returned home she used to use a towel to hide her permed hair in order not to be seen by her father, and she took it off when she went out to work in the fields. Her father didn't know that she had her hair permed for a while. On the day when her father shook the beans with a flail, and she shaked the beans with a winnowing fan to put only the kernels in the bag in the front yard of her house. At this time, her towel on the head was taken off and disclosed her perm. Then he said nothing about her perm. However, her heart was beating rapidly just like she took a time bomb in her arms that was about to explode at any time. She regretted that she tried hard to hide the fact until the last time that can be disclosed one day. She would have been happier to open it at the beginning and be beaten than to have hardships to hide it as the Korean proverb goes 'no matter how hard it is, it is better to experience it first'.

Unitl after a long while, nothing had happened, and she thought it would just pass by. Then, one market openning day in the downtown, her father went to the market and drank with Mr. Kim and Mr. Park, and he was indulged in alcohol. He held a stick all night long to sober up his drink and said to her;

'Which guy are you going seduce by making your front hair like a lark’s head, ah?'

He repeated what he said again and again. His stamina was beyond imagination. He was furious and chased her just like a dog was spinning around to bite its own tail along the stone wall round and round staying up all night and finally became less drunk.

A few days after it happened, her distant relative elder brother, now soldier, came and said that he was on vacation, and accompanied another soldier and asked for a glass of water. As she brought a bowl of water to him and took a peek and saw that he was just like a 'bongtooraji'

(Chungcheong-do dialect of ugly looking fruit or vegetables that is not properly grown). If he is a melon 'bongtooraji', he would be rather well colored. His face was like an eggplant. He was shorty with black face and only his eyes were sparkling.

Soonduk never imagined that the soldier like that eggplant 'Bongtooraji' would later be her husband.

In this autumn, her father, who had said that he would go to Cheongju to have a first meet and greet with the person who would become his in-laws, accompanied by her older brother who had been discharged from the military service, returned home fixing the date of wedding.

There was no identified fact that anyone who has seen or confirmed the scene of his exchanging money with his future in-laws. But after his trip to Cheongju, he frequented to the tavern near the elementary school and his drunkenness has decreased for several months thereafter.

One day, Soonduk heard disputing between her mom and dad while she was in sleep.

'Did you sold our daughter to drink more as it wasn’t enough even after drinking all your life?”

She heard her mom's screaming like this.

The sound of her mom's screaming at that time still lingers in her ears. But now Soonduk became an alcoholic and couldn't sleep without drinking alcohol.

On the day her father visited Cheongju, he spoke in a gentle voice with his drunken face:

'Judging from many trees in the village, it doesn’t look like a neighborhood where bad guys live (it seems like he passed the present tree-lined road by car), even though the prospective son-in-law seemed to have a bit of quick temper, I thought he wouldn't starve his family and I fixed the wedding date.' and he said to me to marry him. As the words of my parents were same as the words of Buddha or God, and I couldn't suggest my will. When her parents were drunk or violent, if they tell me to sit, I sat and if they oder me to stand, I stood, and they beat her, she was beaten. So, if he orders to marry, she had to do so.

There was no choice.

His theory was that a grown up girl with big hips who made her front hair like a lark apt to be in an affair, and need to make her get married before any strange rumor spread in the village.

It was an era when she was in a relationship or had an affair, she was to be kicked out of the village on account of a disgrace to the family, or had to leave herself, half of her own will, from the hometown where she had lived from generation to generation, so when she was over 20, she was called an old virgin or old boy in case of a bachelor.

In such a way, Soonduk, who left home for a few pennies for her father's drinking, started living in a married house, they openly said that she had not bring enough marrying stuffs and she had to start to live a living of hardships.

Both of her parents-in-law passed away earlier. It was a large family of 8 siblings living together in the same house, and her husband was the second son. Her husband's elder brother and his wife lived in the same house too, and treated her so harshly, and they were merciless persons.

She skipped lunch and took only breakfast and dinner. She had to make rice porridge for 10 adults with a gourd of rice that her sister-in-law gave her together with radish leaves adding soybean paste in the big cooking iron pot. If radish leaves were not enough, she boiled it putting sweet potato strips instead and it was so poor that it can only be a food for cows. Always after serving nine bowls to the family, there was not enough rice/radish leaves porridge for Soonduk. In autumn, she weaved a large amount of radish leaves with straw and hung them at the eaves of a straw thatched house to eat during the winter. It was an indispensable food for them in winter.

On rainy days, when the family takes off their clothes, the laundry cart is full but the clothes didn't decrease no matter how many times she washed. It's a work to do, whether she was in husband's home or in her parent's home, but there was a difference, at parent's home, if she was tired from working, she could take a break, and if she was hungry, she could eat whatever she wanted.

  The newlyweds lived in one room dividing it with a bed spread in the middle of the room, made a hole in the middle and put a fluorescent light. As the light switch was on the side of elder brother, when he turned the light on, she could sew, and when he turned it off, she could do nothing. Her parent's house was lit by a lantern, on the other hand, as we were in a city, we had electric light.

When she used the chamber pot in the room, one could hear the sound of peeing, so she put a bunch of straw in the chamber pot to avoid the sound. As we were in the same room, we could even hear a rustling sound as the starched blankets were moved, both the elder brother and Soonduk were uncomfortable by the sound and both of them were cautious each other.

After a while, her husband got a job as an assistant to a truck driver, and soon after she gave a birth to first child and she got a room for monthly rent to live separately. Finally she was freed from the endless working for house chores. She was happy to live. She could save money and her stomach was seemed full even when she didn't eat. She felt that the world seemed to exist only for her. The flowers seemed to bloom only for her, and the birds seemed to sing for her. She knitted and cross stitched too. She was happy and enjoyed thrifty, sometimes selling her handicrafts in her spare time. 

Soonduk was pregnant with her second child and her husband was promoted to a driver and began to save money, provably it's owing to her conception dream. Then one day, she met her husband at the police detention room after he went out to drive a truck. 'Even if the chicken's neck is twisted, the morning would come', and even if the cuckoo beak of the cuckoo clock is shut up, the time would pass. When her husband returned home after paying the price for his crime with his body for two and half years in the prison, Soonduk was no longer the former Soonduk. They were not familiar as before and awkward with each other.

When she received money to buy rice, she bought cosmetics, and if she received money to pay the monthly rent, she bought her clothes. While her husband was in prison, she had a love affair with an old man who worked in the court. At first, she met him as she was told that he was a judge or a prosecutor, but later she found out that he was either a secretary or a person who attach stickers on the materials on auction at the catchpoll office in the court. This rumor without feet but with wings spread all around, and finally it arrived even at Soonduk husband's ears.

She didn't have a single penny saved up, but she didn't know for what, and how much money she spent, so he carefully asked her, but she hesitated to reply. Soonduk was an alcoholic and her mind status was not normal. She was changed too much.

What should he do? They say that she's a patient, it made him crazy. However, Soonduk was not completely insane. She was psychologically not normal at first but she couldn't measure to save the situation or confess the things that had happened while her husband was in prison. She had no way to stop the rumors going around in the neighborhood.

It wasn't because she wanted to be involved in the affair from the beginning, and it was impossible to explain the circumstances in detail. Whatever the reason may be, she became a wife to be condemned by her husband, she decided to pretend to be crazy as she had done so.

When we live in this society, if one's pants is half taken off, he feels ashamed but if the pants is completely taken off and naked, he becomes rather calm and shameless. As her husband led her, she followed him to the Seoul Cheongryangni Psychiatric Hospital and even pretended that she didn't realize when in-laws called the shaman to perform an exorcism.

Soonnduk was a patient. Since she was insane, she was understood or sympathized as patient from the wind blowing from outside and calmed down. But the problem was the wind blowing from inside of Soonduk.

The heart says;

'No, no, no,' but that the body to be rotten says;

If she was asked to meet her, she would say ‘okay, okay’, and would pretend to accept and run to him, but even if she waits with patience and there is no contact, her heart of longing melts down. She was just a whore. Nothing could handle her trembling heart!

She awfully disliked her husband. She didn't want to hear his stepping or snore, she didn't want to see his clothes hanging on the hangers. The sound of his chewing food and passing sound of food through the throat, blowing his nose while eating food looked so dirty. All the more, he took too much food and she thought it wasting.

We can realize how human heart can be so cunning and capricious. Even if she calmed herself down and reprimanded, all she thought about was that bastard in her mind, and she was going to die if she couldn't see him. She was waiting if he would call her today or tomorrow. Someone said that it's a heaven when someone is with someone he likes and it's a hell if he is with someone he dislikes. Soonduk hated her husband with no condition. She is in the hell right now. She just wanted to escape from this situation. She started to demand stubbornly for a divorce. 

Her husband couldn't talk anything. As the proverb goes 'A cheap guy gets angry' He became speechless.

He ignored the rumors he heard and endured it even when he looked this way and that way. He understood unconditionally and forgave her who was changed while he was in prison. He didn't ask what had happened to her and didn't argue for what she spent the whole money.

The past time was like already spilled water, and he had patience over and over again and made a lot of effort in his own way. However, her husband turned into violent when Soonduk demanded a divorce in a confident and erratic attitude.

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