Obsessed with ex-wife

Obsessed with ex-wife Dear Annie: My boyfriend, "Andy," and I are both divorced, and we have been seeing each other for over a year. However, I am concerned with all the memories of his ex-wife that he keeps in his house. His ex walked out on him after only three months of marriage, yet he has held on to every single item she left behind. He keeps a wedding snapshot of the two of them on his dresser. Next to the picture are the wedding wineglasses and the wedding favors. To top it off, he has her wedding veil hanging in his closet, along with a bathrobe and denim jacket that belonged to her. Andy says he loves only me and that he keeps these items to remind him of the good moments he had in his life. I believe Andy is still in love with his ex and this is his way of holding on. Am I worrying too much? What's wrong with this picture? -- The Wedding Bell Blues Dear Blues: We think you have the picture in focus. Andy is still clinging to his ex-wife through these mementos. He is not ready to move on with you or anyone else. You are his "transitional" relationship, and Andy is stuck in transit. Only you can decide if it's worth hanging around until Andy is ready, but it might be wise to see others while you are contemplating the question. Dear Annie: My dear friend's husband, "George," died several months ago. However, George's recorded voice is still on her answering machine. This freaks me out so much, I am reluctant to leave a message. I believe the voice of someone who is deceased should be erased and a new message recorded. What do you say? -- Concerned in Missouri Dear Missouri: Please be patient with your friend. Obviously, George's voice is comforting, and your friend isn't ready to accept the finality of erasing it. Also, some widows find it useful to have a man's voice on the answering machine, so strangers will not think they live alone. And, of course, it's entirely possible she doesn't know how to change the message. You might mention to her that George's voice can be off-putting to callers who knew him. If the machine has a removable tape, suggest that she put it in a safe place where she can listen to it whenever she wants. Offer to help her change the message when she is ready to do so. Whatever she decides, the choice should be hers. Dear Annie: Not long ago, you printed a helpful column about how to find a therapist. You also clarified the differences in specialists and their degrees. I'd like to mention the Psychiatric-Mental Health APRN (Advanced Practice Registered Nurse) as a therapist. A psychiatric APRN is a registered nurse who has also completed a graduate school program specializing in psychopharmacology, psychology, family and group therapy, and so on, and has passed state licensing boards. A psychiatric APRN can prescribe medication as well as provide therapy at very affordable fees, and the services are often reimbursable through insurance companies. In addition, many APRNs serve in areas not serviced by other clinicians. -- Loyal Reader in New Haven, Conn. Dear Loyal Reader: We appreciate the additional information and are happy to pass it along. Anyone who is searching for a therapist should consider a psychiatric APRN. As always, ask for referrals from your doctor, friends and family members, as well as licensing boards and professional organizations. 2004.01.17