처음 써보는 자기소개서(영문) 평가 부탁드립니다

[토마토1]

28일까지 재출해야되는데...첨 써보는 거라...엉망일줄 압니다만, 많은 조언 좀 부탁드립니다.
부탁드립니다. 그럼 좋은 하루 되세요.

The sincere life of challenges.
It's my great pleasure to introduce myself to you. My name is Young-Hak Jee
I was born on November 7, 1978 in In-cheon and lived there until I was 6 years old. Then my family moved to the Hong Kong to accompany my father who transferred to Hong Kong branch of the Commercial Bank of Korea. In all of my family members there are four : father, mother, a younger sister and I as the eldest son who has a strong sense of responsibility.
Upon moving to the Hong Kong I entered Elementary School and was attending the School for 3 years.
During the university life I had an opportunity of the backpacking trip to Europe for over 60 days in order to have an interest in wide foreign countries.
These experiences in foreign school and backpacking trip make me challenge sincerely in the life and the challenging life be my motto.

My experiences working in side job
While in college life, I had the side job like a video photographing job in the wedding ceremony hall to encourage a positive and aggressive character from me and to experience the social life. It gave me many chances to talk with peoples whom I met for the first time. Therefore the job made me become intimate easily with others, and disposed me to learn method with which I could be harmonious with others from personal relationship. Side jobs also made me develop a lot in thinking. I learned how I had to manage a person who would relate to my job from the experience of side job in convenience store, saw the hope from daily construction work and believed in the trust from extracurricular teacher.
When I worked at the side job to learn about the social life, to the center of the daily living field there were always persons and relationship between them. From the experiences in the social life, I learned and felt that the relationship between the people is the most important.
A social activity taught me and showed me the hope for the future.
The specialist who does not lose his own colors
I have been heared a course of lectures to be MR (Medical Representative) sponsored by KPMA (the Korea Pharmaceutical Manufacturers Association). In the near future when I become the medicine information person in the pharmaceutical company, I think I will be MR who give better medicine information and services as a specialist in the front field with these knowledge studying hard on this course.
Further, I organized a traveling group when I was in the university and was participant. From the group activity I come to believe that the leader is important but intermediary person in the group is not less important when he assist the leader for the harmony of organization in stead of his dignity. In this reason I accomplished sincerely my duty given to me by the group without any impair of my own colors.

I have just graduated from the university with a hope to step out to my responsibility and enter a company. I have neither experience nor knowledge enough to be a specialist at this moment. But considering my specialized training in Biotechnology at the university and my practiced experiences with MR(Medical Representative), I feel I have the qualifications you would require. I enjoy working, taking challenges and accepting responsibilities. I am ready for a new challenge and I sincerely hope you will offer the opportunity to me.
I am having the mind which try to reach a top as a specialist in the Field of MR. I believe my strong technical skills, team working, customer service experience and my ability to work well with people make me a strong candidate for a position of the Field.
I am extremely interested in the Field of Medical Representative in your firm and very much look forward to the opportunity of being invited for an interview.
If you give me a chance, I sincerely think that my knowledge and skills accumulated will be big help to the company and the company will be a great opportunity to my life as well.
Thank you very much for reading my letter.

[Go for it! CJ~]

영문 자소서는 포멀레터에 속합니다...생략이 되는 It's 를 It is 로 고치는것이 형식에 맞지요..

[Go for it! CJ~]

그리소 가족 소개에서...I 가 아니라..me 지요..ㅡㅡ"

[Go for it! CJ~]

a positive and aggressive character from me 에서...me가 아니라.. myself겠죠..주어가 나니까요!

[너에게가마!]

좋은 게시물이네요. 스크랩 해갈게요~^^

[테스토스테론]

좋은 게시물이네요. 스크랩 해갈게요~^^