PART I // chapter 2-4

하지만 저는 감정과 학식이 있는 남자를 찾고 있습니다. 제 아내는 귀족의 딸들을 위한 고급 학교에서 교육을 받았고, 떠날 때 주지사와 다른 인사들 앞에서 숄 댄스를 추었고 금메달과 공로상을 받았습니다. 메달은... 글쎄요, 메달은 물론 팔렸죠. 오래전에요, 흠... 하지만 공로상은 여전히 그녀의 트렁크에 있고 얼마 전에 그녀는 그것을 우리 집주인에게 보여주었습니다. 그리고 그녀는 집주인과 항상 사이가 나빴지만, 그녀는 누군가에게 그녀의 과거의 영예와 지나간 행복한 날들에 대해 말하고 싶어했습니다. 저는 그녀를 비난하지 않고, 그녀를 비난하지도 않습니다. 그녀에게 남은 것은 과거에 대한 추억뿐이고 나머지는 모두 먼지와 재일 뿐이기 때문입니다. 네, 네, 그녀는 기품이 있고, 자랑스럽고, 단호한 여인입니다. 그녀는 바닥을 직접 닦고 먹을 것이 검은 빵뿐이지만, 자신이 무례하게 대우받는 것을 허용하지 않습니다. 그래서 그녀는 레베지아트니코프 씨의 무례함을 간과하지 않았고, 그래서 그가 그녀를 때렸을 때, 그녀는 타격보다는 감정의 상처로 인해 침대에 누웠습니다. 제가 그녀와 결혼했을 때 그녀는 세 자녀를 둔 과부였고, 한 명은 다른 한 명보다 작았습니다. 그녀는 보병 장교인 첫 남편과 사랑 때문에 결혼했고, 그와 함께 아버지 집에서 도망쳤습니다. 그녀는 남편을 매우 좋아했지만, 그는 카드 놀이에 굴복했고, 문제에 휘말렸고, 그것으로 죽었습니다. 그는 그녀를 끝까지 때렸습니다. 그녀가 그에게 갚았지만, 저는 그에 대한 확실한 문서 증거가 있지만, 오늘날까지도 그녀는 눈물을 흘리며 그에 대해 이야기하고 그를 저에게 던집니다. 그리고 저는 기쁩니다. 비록 상상 속에서일지라도, 그녀가 한때 행복했다고 생각하게 되어 기쁩니다.... 그리고 그녀는 그가 죽었을 때 제가 우연히 있었던 외딴 황무지에 세 자녀와 함께 남겨졌습니다. 그리고 그녀는 절망적인 빈곤 속에 남겨져서, 나는 온갖 종류의 기복을 많이 보았지만, 그것을 설명할 자격이 없다고 생각합니다. 그녀의 친척들은 모두 그녀를 흩어버렸습니다. 그리고 그녀는 또한 거만했습니다. 지나치게 거만했습니다... 그리고 존경하는 선생님, 그리고 그때 저는 첫 번째 아내가 열네 살 딸을 두고 있는 홀아비였기 때문에 그녀에게 손을 내밀었습니다. 그런 고통을 보는 것을 견딜 수 없었기 때문입니다. 당신은 그녀의 재난이 얼마나 극심했는지 판단할 수 있을 것입니다. 그녀는 교육과 교양을 갖춘 여성이며 저명한 가문의 여성인데도 제 아내가 되는 데 동의했을 것입니다. 하지만 그녀는 그렇게 했습니다! 울고 흐느끼며 손을 비비며 나와 결혼했습니다! 그녀는 갈 곳이 없었기 때문입니다! 이해하십니까, 선생님, 갈 곳이 전혀 없을 때 무슨 뜻인지 이해하십니까? 아니, 아직 이해하지 못하시는군요.... 그리고 1년 내내 저는 제 의무를 성실하고 충실하게 수행했고, 이것에 손대지 않았습니다."(그는 손가락으로 주전자를 두드렸습니다) "저는 감정이 있기 때문입니다. 하지만 그래도 그녀를 기쁘게 할 수 없었습니다. 그리고 저는 제 자리도 잃었습니다. 제 잘못이 아니라 사무실의 변화로 인한 것입니다. 그리고 저는 그것을 만졌습니다!... 저희가 수많은 방황과 수많은 재난을 겪은 후, 이 웅장한 수도에서 마침내 우리 자신을 발견한 지 이제 1년 반이 지났습니다. 수많은 기념물로 장식되어 있습니다. 여기서 저는 지위를 얻었습니다.... 저는 그것을 얻었고 다시 잃었습니다. 이해하시나요? 이번에는 제 잘못으로 제가 그것을 잃었습니다. 제 약점이 드러났기 때문입니다.... 우리는 지금 아말리아 표도로브나 리페베흐셀의 방의 일부를 가지고 있습니다. 그리고 우리가 무엇에 살고 무엇으로 임대료를 내는지 말할 수 없습니다. 저희 외에도 많은 사람들이 거기에 살고 있습니다. 더러움과 무질서, 완벽한 혼란... 음... 그래... 그러는 동안 첫 번째 아내의 딸은 자랐고, 딸이 자라면서 계모에게서 견뎌야 했던 것에 대해서는 말하지 않겠습니다. 카테리나 이바노브나는 관대한 감정이 가득하지만, 그녀는 기백이 넘치는 여성이고, 짜증이 많고 성미가 급합니다...     네. 하지만 그걸 반복하는 건 소용없어요! 소니아는 당신이 상상할 수 있듯이 교육을 받지 못했습니다. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- but I am looking for a man of feeling and education. Know then that my wife was educated in a high-class school for the daughters of noblemen, and on leaving she danced the shawl dance before the governor and other personages for which she was presented with a gold medal and a certificate of merit. The medal... well, the medal of course was sold—long ago, hm... but the certificate of merit is in her trunk still and not long ago she showed it to our landlady.    And although she is most continually on bad terms with the landlady, yet she wanted to tell someone or other of her past honours and of the happy days that are gone. I don’t condemn her for it, I don’t blame her, for the one thing left her is recollection of the past, and all the rest is dust and ashes.  Yes, yes, she is a lady of spirit, proud and determined. She scrubs the floors herself and has nothing but black bread to eat, but won’t allow herself to be treated with disrespect. That’s why she would not overlook Mr. Lebeziatnikov’s rudeness to her, and so when he gave her a beating for it, she took to her bed more from the hurt to her feelings than from the blows. She was a widow when I married her, with three children, one smaller than the other.  She married her first husband, an infantry officer, for love, and ran away with him from her father’s house. She was exceedingly fond of her husband; but he gave way to cards, got into trouble and with that he died. He used to beat her at the end: and although she paid him back, of which I have authentic documentary evidence, to this day she speaks of him with tears and she throws him up to me; and I am glad, I am glad that, though only in imagination, she should think of herself as having once been happy....  And she was left at his death with three children in a wild and remote district where I happened to be at the time; and she was left in such hopeless poverty that, although I have seen many ups and downs of all sort, I don’t feel equal to describing it even. Her relations had all thrown her off. And she was proud, too, excessively proud....  And then, honoured sir, and then, I, being at the time a widower, with a daughter of fourteen left me by my first wife, offered her my hand, for I could not bear the sight of such suffering. You can judge the extremity of her calamities, that she, a woman of education and culture and distinguished family, should have consented to be my wife.  But she did! Weeping and sobbing and wringing her hands, she married me! For she had nowhere to turn! Do you understand, sir, do you understand what it means when you have absolutely nowhere to turn? No, that you don’t understand yet.... And for a whole year, I performed my duties conscientiously and faithfully, and did not touch this” (he tapped the jug with his finger), “for I have feelings. But even so, I could not please her; and then I lost my place too, and that through no fault of mine but through changes in the office; and then I did touch it!...  It will be a year and a half ago soon since we found ourselves at last after many wanderings and numerous calamities in this magnificent capital, adorned with innumerable monuments. Here I obtained a situation.... I obtained it and I lost it again. Do you understand? This time it was through my own fault I lost it: for my weakness had come out.... We have now part of a room at Amalia Fyodorovna Lippevechsel’s; and what we live upon and what we pay our rent with, I could not say.   There are a lot of people living there besides ourselves. Dirt and disorder, a perfect Bedlam... hm... yes... And meanwhile my daughter by my first wife has grown up; and what my daughter has had to put up with from her step-mother whilst she was growing up, I won’t speak of. For, though Katerina Ivanovna is full of generous feelings, she is a spirited lady, irritable and short-tempered.... Yes. But it’s no use going over that! Sonia, as you may well fancy, has had no education.