PART 2 // chapter 6-5

[모나리자]

"그럼 왜, 참을 수 있었어? 아니, 참을 수 없었어. 100루블을 위해 그런 끔찍한 경험을 감수할 수 있었어? 그런 종류의 것을 적발하는 것이 그들의 업무인 은행에 위조 지폐를 들고 가는 거야! 아니, 나는 그럴 얼굴이 없어. 그럴 수 있겠어?" 라스콜니코프는 다시 "혀를 내밀고 싶다"는 강렬한 욕망을 느꼈다. 그의 척추에는 계속 떨림이 흘렀다. "전혀 다르게 해야겠어." 라스콜니코프가 말을 시작했다.

"내가 지폐를 바꾸는 방식은 이렇다. 첫 천 개를 세 번이나 네 번 앞뒤로 세면서 모든 지폐를 살폈다. 그런 다음 두 번째 천 개로 세었다. 중간까지 세었다가 50루블 지폐를 불빛에 비추고, 뒤집은 다음 다시 불빛에 비추어 좋은 지폐인지 확인했다. '유감입니다.' 내가 말했다. '제 친척이 얼마 전에 위조 지폐 때문에 25루블을 잃었어요.' 그러고 나서 그들에게 모든 이야기를 들려주었다.

그리고 세 번째를 세기 시작한 후, '아니요, 실례합니다.'라고 말하곤 했습니다. '두 번째 천 번째에서 일곱 번째 백 번째에 실수를 한 것 같아요. 잘 모르겠어요.' 그래서 세 번째 천 번째를 포기하고 두 번째 천 번째까지 돌아갔고, 그렇게 끝까지 갔습니다. 그리고 다 세고 나면 다섯 번째에서 하나, 두 번째 천 번째에서 하나를 골라서 다시 빛으로 가져가서 다시 '바꿔주세요.'라고 부탁하고, 점원을 어떻게 내쫓을지 모를 정도로 곤경에 빠뜨렸습니다.

다 세고 나간 후, 돌아와서 '아니요, 실례합니다.'라고 말하고 설명을 부탁했습니다. 제가 하는 방식이 바로 그것입니다." "푸! 정말 끔찍한 말을 하는군요!" 자메토프가 웃으며 말했습니다. "하지만 그건 다 말뿐이에요. 행동에 관해서는 실수를 할 거라고 감히 말할 수 있어요. 나는 숙련되고 절박한 사람조차도 항상 자신을 믿을 수는 없다고 믿는다. 하물며 당신과 나는 더더욱. 집 근처에서 예를 들어보자. 우리 구역에서 살해된 그 노파 말이다. 살인범은 절박한 사람인 듯하다. 그는 대낮에 모든 것을 걸었고, 기적적으로 살아남았다. 하지만 그의 손도 떨렸다.

그는 그 장소를 털지 못했고, 참을 수 없었다. 그것은 분명했다..." 라스콜니코프는 화가 난 듯했다. "알았어? 그럼 왜 그를 잡지 않니?" 그는 소리치며 자메토프에게 악의적으로 조롱했다. "음, 그들이 그를 잡을 거야." "누구? 너? 그를 잡을 수 있을 것 같아? 너는 힘든 일을 하고 있구나! 너에게 중요한 점은 남자가 돈을 쓰는지 아닌지이다. 돈이 없는데 갑자기 돈을 쓰기 시작하면 그가 그 남자여야 해. 그러면 어린애라도 너를 속일 수 있으니까."

"하지만 사실은 항상 그렇게 한다." 자메토프가 대답했다. "어떤 사람은 목숨을 걸고 교묘하게 살인을 저지른 다음 바로 술집에서 술을 마셔요. 그들은 돈을 쓰는 걸 들켰고, 당신처럼 교활하지는 않아요. 물론 당신은 술집에 가지 않겠죠?" 라스콜니코프가 눈살을 찌푸리고 자메토프를 똑바로 바라보았다. "당신은 그 주제를 즐기는 듯하고, 그 경우에 내가 어떻게 행동해야 할지 알고 싶어하는군요?" 그는 불쾌해하며 물었다. "알고 싶어요." 자메토프가 단호하고 진지하게 대답했다. 그의 말과 표정에 다소 지나친 진지함이 나타나기 시작했다. "정말요?" "정말요!"

"좋아요. 이렇게 행동해야 해요." 라스콜니코프가 말을 시작했다. 다시 자메토프의 얼굴에 얼굴을 가까이 대고, 다시 그를 응시하며 속삭이듯 말하자 후자는 몸을 떨었다. "내가 해야 할 일은 이거예요. 나는 돈과 보석을 가져가서, 거기서 나와서 울타리로 둘러싼 황무지, 거의 아무도 보이지 않는 곳, 부엌 정원이나 그런 곳으로 곧장 갔어야 했어.

나는 집을 지을 때부터 모서리에 놓여 있던 100파운드 이상의 돌을 미리 살펴봐야 했어. 나는 그 돌을 들어올렸을 거야. 그 아래에는 틀림없이 구멍이 있을 테니까, 나는 그 구멍에 보석과 돈을 넣었을 거야. 그러고 나서 나는 돌을 원래처럼 굴려서 발로 누르고 떠났을 거야. 그리고 1년이나 2년, 어쩌면 3년 동안은 나는 그것을 만지지 않았을 거야. 그리고, 글쎄, 그들은 수색할 수 있었을 거야! 흔적도 없을 거야."

“Why, could you stand it then? No, I couldn’t. For the sake of a hundred roubles to face such a terrible experience? To go with false notes into a bank where it’s their business to spot that sort of thing! No, I should not have the face to do it. Would you?” Raskolnikov had an intense desire again “to put his tongue out.” Shivers kept running down his spine. “I should do it quite differently,” Raskolnikov began.

“This is how I would change the notes: I’d count the first thousand three or four times backwards and forwards, looking at every note and then I’d set to the second thousand; I’d count that half-way through and then hold some fifty-rouble note to the light, then turn it, then hold it to the light again—to see whether it was a good one. ‘I am afraid,’ I would say, ‘a relation of mine lost twenty-five roubles the other day through a false note,’ and then I’d tell them the whole story.

And after I began counting the third, ‘No, excuse me,’ I would say, ‘I fancy I made a mistake in the seventh hundred in that second thousand, I am not sure.’ And so I would give up the third thousand and go back to the second and so on to the end. And when I had finished, I’d pick out one from the fifth and one from the second thousand and take them again to the light and ask again, ‘Change them, please,’ and put the clerk into such a stew that he would not know how to get rid of me.

When I’d finished and had gone out, I’d come back, ‘No, excuse me,’ and ask for some explanation. That’s how I’d do it.” “Foo! what terrible things you say!” said Zametov, laughing. “But all that is only talk. I dare say when it came to deeds you’d make a slip. I believe that even a practised, desperate man cannot always reckon on himself, much less you and I. To take an example near home—that old woman murdered in our district. The murderer seems to have been a desperate fellow, he risked everything in open daylight, was saved by a miracle—but his hands shook, too.

He did not succeed in robbing the place, he couldn’t stand it. That was clear from the...” Raskolnikov seemed offended. “Clear? Why don’t you catch him then?” he cried, maliciously gibing at Zametov. “Well, they will catch him.” “Who? You? Do you suppose you could catch him? You’ve a tough job! A great point for you is whether a man is spending money or not. If he had no money and suddenly begins spending, he must be the man. So that any child can mislead you.”

“The fact is they always do that, though,” answered Zametov. “A man will commit a clever murder at the risk of his life and then at once he goes drinking in a tavern. They are caught spending money, they are not all as cunning as you are. You wouldn’t go to a tavern, of course?” Raskolnikov frowned and looked steadily at Zametov. “You seem to enjoy the subject and would like to know how I should behave in that case, too?” he asked with displeasure. “I should like to,” Zametov answered firmly and seriously. Somewhat too much earnestness began to appear in his words and looks. “Very much?” “Very much!”

“All right then. This is how I should behave,” Raskolnikov began, again bringing his face close to Zametov’s, again staring at him and speaking in a whisper, so that the latter positively shuddered. “This is what I should have done. I should have taken the money and jewels, I should have walked out of there and have gone straight to some deserted place with fences round it and scarcely anyone to be seen, some kitchen garden or place of that sort.

I should have looked out beforehand some stone weighing a hundredweight or more which had been lying in the corner from the time the house was built. I would lift that stone—there would sure to be a hollow under it, and I would put the jewels and money in that hole. Then I’d roll the stone back so that it would look as before, would press it down with my foot and walk away. And for a year or two, three maybe, I would not touch it. And, well, they could search! There’d be no trace.”