Time and distance heals

Time and distance heals Dear Annie: I was physically and emotionally abused by my father when I was growing up. My life was a nightmare. My mother never intervened. Worse, she also hit me and emotionally abused me. I grew up afraid of people. Now, in my adult life, I suffer anxiety and panic attacks. A psychiatrist even diagnosed me with post-traumatic stress disorder. I have been in therapy most of my life. Today, I am married to a wonderful man, and we have a beautiful baby. The problem is my mother. She denies the abuse ever happened. Then, in her next breath, she will say I deserved everything I got because I was such a horrible child. She is trying to convince me that soon I will be hitting my own child. She blames me for my anxiety, saying I dwell too much on the past. Every time I speak to my parents, I suffer stomach cramps and panic attacks. My therapist told me I need to cut contact with my family until I heal. How can I heal when my parents deny the past? Please help me. -- Anonymous Victim Dear Anonymous: The healing is for you, not your parents. If they cannot admit responsibility for their actions, it doesn't have to stop you from moving forward. We don't know how often you speak to your parents, but if you are getting stomach cramps and panic attacks, take your therapist's advice and create some distance. You sound like a good person who understands that the trauma you suffered growing up was not your fault. You need time to develop control over your reaction to Mom and Dad and gain some immunity from their manipulation. Dear Annie: I would like to discuss something about driving. I'm talking about the "fast lane." My husband is constantly nagging me to get out of the "fast lane" and reminding me that in our state, you can be ticketed for impeding traffic. Would someone please tell me about these rules and how driving the speed limit can be impeding traffic? Annie, there are folks out there who think nothing of driving 20 miles over the posted limit and honking at you, or, worse, tailgating when you are in their way. It might make sense on major interstates, yet I see this on rural routes and country roads. What is your take on this subject? -- Not a Fast Lane Fan in Maryland Dear Maryland: Some states have laws that keep slower traffic out of faster-moving lanes. In Illinois, for example, the left lane is to be used primarily for passing. Studies have shown that road rage is partly fueled by drivers who are frustrated with slower motorists in front of them, and new rules might alleviate the problem. And if someone is honking at you or tailgaiting, on any road, at any speed, move to your right and get out of the way. Don't be judge and jury. If they are speeding, let the police handle it. Dear Annie: This is in response to the Valentines for Vets program. I'm a new reader of your column, and this is the first I'd heard of it. I think it's a wonderful idea, especially for veterans in hospice. You wouldn't believe how many are forgotten by friends and family, left to die alone. My brother was in the hospice unit at Hines VA, and the staff was wonderful but chronically overworked. My sister-in-law was there every day, and it broke her heart. I probably didn't put this very well, but please tell your readers to go see a vet, anytime. It doesn't have to be a holiday. -- Sister of a Vet in Rockford, Ill. Dear Sister: You put it very well, and we thank you. Our readers are extraordinarily kind and compassionate. We hope they will take your message to heart and visit our veterans throughout the year.