[미드대본] 심슨 시즌1 ( The Simpson Season1) 1x01~1x05

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[미드대본] 심슨 시즌1 ( The Simpson Season1) 1x01~1x05

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The Simpsons 1x01

Simpsons Roasting Over An Open Fire

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Ooh! Careful, Homer!

There's no time. We're late.

O little town of Bethlehem

O little town of Bethlehem

How still we see the elie

-Excuse me. Pardon me.

- Sorry. Excuse me. - Hey, Norman, how's it goin'?

So you got dragged down here too, huh?

- How you doin', Fred? - Sorry. Excuse me.

- Yeah. 'Scuse me. Oh!

Pardon my galoshes.

Are met in thee tonight

Wasn't that wonderful?

And now "Santas of many lands,"

as presented by the entire second grade class.

Oh! Lisa's class.

Frohliche Weihnachten.

That's German for " Merry Christmas."

In Germany, Santa's servant Ruprecht gives presents to good children...

and whipping rods to the parents of bad ones.

Merry Kurisumasu.

I am Hotseiosha, a japanese priest who acts like Santa Claus.

I have eyes in the back ofmy head...

so children better behave when I'm nearby.

Now presenting Lisa Simpson...

as Tawanga, the Santa Claus of the South Seas.

Ooh, it's Lisa! That's ours.

Ah, the fourth grade will now favor us with a melody--

Uh, medley of holiday "favorites."

Dashing through the snow

In a one-horse open sleigh

O'er the fields we go

Laughing all the way Ha ha ha

Bells on bobtail ring

- Isn't Bart sweet, Homer?

He sings like an angel.

Oh, jingle bells Batman smells

Robin laid an egg

The Batmobile broke its wheel

The joker got awa--

Jingle bells Jingle bells

Jingle all

The fifth grade will now favour us...

with a scene from Charles, uh, Dickens' A Christmas Carol.

How many grades does this school have?

" Dear friends of the Simpson family,

"We had some sadness and some gladness this year.

" First, the sadness. Our little cat Snowball...

"was unexpectedly run over and went to kitty heaven.

"But we bought a new little cat, Snowball I.

"So I guess life goes on.

"Speaking of life going on, Grandpa's still with us, feisty as ever.

" Maggie is walking by herself,

"Lisa got straight A's, and Bart--

"Well, we love Bart.

"The magic of the season has touched us all.

Marge, haven't you finished that stupid letter yet?

- " Homer sends his love. Happy holidays. - Marge!

- The Simpsons." - Marge, where's the extension cord?

For heaven's sake, Homer. It's in the utility drawer.

Sorry. I'm just a big kid.

And I love Christmas so much.

D'oh!

All right, children, let me have those letters.

I'll send them to Santa's workshop at the North Pole.

Oh, please. There's only one fat guy that brings us presents,

and his name ain't Santa.

Uh-- A pony?

Oh, Lisa, you've asked for that for the last three years,

and I keep telling you Santa can't fit a pony into his sleigh.

Can't you take a hint?

But I really want a pony,

- and I've been really good this year. - Oh, dear.

Maybe Bart is a little more realistic.

- A tattoo? - A what?

Yeah! They're cool, and they last the rest of your life.

you will not be getting a tattoo for Christmas.

Yeah. If you want one, you'll have to pay for it out of your allowance.

- All right! - Homer!

- "Yello."

- Marge, please. - Who's this?

May I please speak to Marge?

- This is her sister, isn't it? - Is Marge there?

- Who shall I say is calling? - Marge, please.

It's your sister. Oh!

- Hello. - Hello, Marge. It's Patty.

Selma and I couldn't be more excited about seeing our sister Christmas Eve.

Well, Homer and I are looking forward to your visit too.

Somehow I doubt that Homer is excited.

of all the men you could've married,

I don't know why you picked one who's always so rude to us.

- Good one, Dad.

Okay, kids, prepare to be dazzled.

Marge, turn on the juice!

- What do you think, kids?

- Nice try, Dad.

Just hold your horses, son. Hey, Simpson!

- What is it, Flanders? - Do you think this looks okay?

Ho ho ho. Ho ho ho.

- Oh! - Oh, neato!

It's too bright.

I oughta-- Flanders. What a big show-off.

- Kids, wanna go Christmas shopping? - I do!

- All right! The mall! - Go get your money.

Tell us, Marge. Where have you been hiding the Christmas money?

Oh, I have my secrets.

Turn around.

- you can look now. - Ooh! Big jar this year.

Oh, Bart, that's so sweet.

It's the best present a mother could get,

and it makes you look so dangerous.

- One " Mother," please.

Wait a minute. How old are you?

- Twenty-one, sir. - Get in the chair.

Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

- Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Attention, all personnel, please keep working...

during the following announcement.

And now our boss and friend Mr. Burns.

Hello. I'm proud to announce...

that we've been able to increase safety here at the plant...

without increasing the cost to the consumer...

or affecting management payraises.

However, for you semiskilled workers,

there will be no Christmas bonuses.

- Oh, and one more thing.

Merry Christmas!

- Oh, thank God for the big jar.

- Where's that Bart?

But, Mom, I thought you'd like it.

Yes, Mrs. Simpson, we can remove your son's tattoo.

It's a simple routine involving lasers.

- Cool! - However, it is rather expensive,

and we must insist on a cash payment up front.

- Cash? - Mm-hmm.

Thank God for Homer's Christmas bonus.

- Ay, caramba! - Now, whatever you do, don't squirm.

you don't wanna get this sucker near your eye or your groin.

- Ow! Quit it.

Ow! Quit it.

Ow! Quit it.

- Ow! Quit it. - Hey, what's with this?

Ow! Quit it! Used to be a real boss tattoo.

Mom had to spend the Christmas money having it surgically removed.

Huh?

It's true!

The jar is empty! Oh, my God!

We're ruined. Christmas is canceled.

No presents for anyone!

Don't worry, Homer. We'll just have to stretch your Christmas bonus...

- even further this year.

- Homer? - Oh, yeah. My Christmas bonus.

How silly of me.

This'll be the best Christmas yet.

The best any family ever had.

Hohoho.

Hohoho.

Hohoho.

Ho ho ho.

Hohoho.

Hmm. I get the feeling there's something you haven't told me, Homer.

- Huh? Oh. I love you, Marge. - you tell me that all the time.

Oh, good, because I do love you.

I don't deserve you as much as a guy with a fat wallet...

and a credit card that won't set off that horrible beeping.

I think it does have something to do with your Christmas bonus.

I keep asking for it, but--

Marge, um, let me be honest with you.

- Yes? - Well, I would--

I-- I wanna do the Christmas shopping this year.

Uh, sure, okay.

Marge, Marge. Hmm. Let'ssee.

Ooh, look!

Pantyhose. Practical and alluring.

A six-pack. Oh! Only 4.99.

Ooh! Pads of paper.

I bet Bart can think of a million things to do with these.

That just leaves little Maggie. Oh, look!

A little squeak toy.

It says it's for dogs, but she can't read.

Ow! Oh, Simpson, it's you.

- Hello, Flanders. - Oh, my! What a mess we've got here.

Well, which ones are yours and which ones are mine?

- Well, let's see. - Oh, this one's mine. This one's mine.

- This one's mine, and this-- - They're all yours!

- Hey, you dropped your pork chop.

- Gimme that! - Well, happy holidays, Simpson.

- Gee, this is the best Christmas ever. - You bet.

What's the matter, Homer? Somebody leave a lump of coal in your stocking?

You've been sitting there, sucking on a beer all day long.

- So? - So, it's Christmas.

- Thanks, Moe.

Drinks all around!

What's with the crazy getup, Barn?

I got me a part-timejob working as a Santa down at the mall.

Wow! Can I do that?

I don't know. They're pretty selective.

Do you like children?

What do you mean? All the time? Even when they're nuts?

- Hmm. - Uh, I certainly do.

Welcome aboard, Simpson.

Pending your successful completion of our training program, that is.

Ho ho ho. Ho ho ho.

Ho ho ho. Ho ho ho.

- What is it now, Simpson? - Uh, when do we get paid?

Not a dime till Christmas Eve! Now, from the top.

Ho ho ho. Ho ho ho.

Um, Dasher.

- Dancer. - Mm-hmm.

- Prancer. - Mm-hmm.

Nixon.

Comet and... Cupid.

- Donna Dixon? - Sit down, Simpson.

And what would you like, little boy?

- You're not really Santa, tubby. - Why, you little egghead!

No, Homer! If such an emergency arises,

you just tell them Santa's vey busy this time of year,

- and you are one of his helpers. - Oh, I knew that one too!

Homer, why are you seven hours late?

Not a word, Marge. I'm heading straight for the tub.

But, Homer, my sisters are here.

- Don't you wanna say hello?

- Daddy! We're so glad to see you! - Oh, Dad, you're finally home!

What? Why? Oh, yeah.

Hello, Patty. Hello, Selma.

- How was your trip? - Fine.

- you both look well. - Thank you.

- Yeah, well, Merry Christmas. - It's Christmas?

- you wouldn't know it around here. - And why is that?

- For one thing, there's no tree - I was just on my way out to get one!

- Can we go too, Dad? - Yeah, can we?

No!

Sleighbells ring

Are you listening

In the lane

Snow is glistening

A beautiful sight

We're happy tonight

- Walking in a winter wonderland

Hey! What do you think you're doin'?

- Uh-oh. - Hey! Hey!

- Come back here!

So what do you think, kids? Beauty, isn't it?

- Wow! Yay, Dad! - Way to go, Dad!

- Why is there a birdhouse in it? - Uh, that's an ornament.

Do I smell gunpowder?

and then I want some Robotoids.

And then I want a Goop Monster.

And then I want a great big, giant--

Aw, son, you don't need all that junk.

I'm sure you've already got something much more important--

a decent home and a loving father who would do anything for you.

Hey, I couldn't afford lunch. Give me a bite of that donut.

Get a load of that quote-unquote Santa.

I can't believe those kids are falling for it.

Hey, Milhouse, I dare you to sit on his lap.

- I dare you to yank his beard off. - Ah, touche.

I hope you feel better, Santa.

Oh, I will when Mrs. Claus' sisters get outta town.

Thanks for listenin', kid.

Hey, Santa, what's shakin', man?

What's your name, Bart... ner? Uh, little partner?

- I'm Bart Simpson. Who are you? - I'm jolly Old St. Nick.

Oh, yeah? We'll just see about that.

D'oh!

- Homer! - A word with you in Santa's workshop.

- Cover for me, Elfie. - I didn't know it was you.

Nobody knows. It's a secret.

I didn't get my bonus this year.

But to keep the family from missing out on Christmas,

- I'd do anything. - I'll say, Dad.

you must really love us to sink so low.

Now, let's not get mushy, son.

I still have a job to do.

Hey, little ones. Santa's back.

Ho ho-- D'oh!

Damn it to--

Ah, son, one day you're gonna know...

the satisfaction of payday.

Receiving a big fat check for a job well done.

Simpson, Homer? Here ya go.

Come on, son. Let's go cash this baby and get presents for--

Thirteen bucks? Hey, wait a minute.

That's right. $120 gross.

Less Social Security, less unemployment insurance,

- less Santa training... - Santa training?

less costume purchase, less beard rental, less Christmas club.

- But-- But-- - See ya next year.

- Ohh! - Come on, Dad. Let's go home.

Thirteen bucks?

you can't get anything for 13 bucks.

Allright! Thirteen bigones!

Springfield Downs, here I come!

- What? - you heard me.

I'm goin' to the dog track.

I got a hot little puppy in the fourth race.

- Wanna come? - Sory, Barney.

I may be a total washout as a father, but I'm not gonna take my kid...

to a sleazy dog track on Christmas Eve.

Come on, Simpson. The dog's name is Whirlwind.

Ten-to-one shot. Money in the bank.

- Uh-uh. - Ah, come on, Dad.

This can be the miracle that saves the Simpsons' Christmas.

If TV has taught me anything,

it's that miracles always happen to poor kids at Christmas.

It happened to Tiny Tim, it happened to Charlie Brown,

it happened to the Smurfs and it's gonna happen to us.

Well, okay, let's go. Who's Tiny Tim?

Hey, Moldy, do you think Santa will be able to find...

ElfCounty under all this snow?

I doubt it, Bubbles. We'll be sad little elves this Christmas.

- Oh, no! - Oh, brother.

- Where's your husband? - Yeah. It's getting late.

Said he went caroling with Bart.

We're in the money, we're in the money

We got a lot of what it takes to get along

I can't believe I'm doing this.

Can we open our presents now, Dad?

you know the tradition, son. Not till the eighth race.

Hey, Barney, which one is Whirlwind?

Number Six. That's our lucky dog right over there.

He's won his last five races.

What? That scrawny little bag of bones?

Come on, Dad. They're all scrawny little bags of bones.

Yeah, you're right.

I guess Whirlwind is our only hope for a Merry Christmas.

Attention, racing fans, we have a late scratch...

in the fourth race.

Number 8, Sir Galahad will be replaced by Santa's Little Helper.

Once again, Sir Galahad has been replaced by Santa's Little Helper.

Bart, did you hear that?

What a name! Santa's Little Helper!

- It's a sign! It's an omen! - It's a coincidence, Dad.

- What are the odds on Santa's Little Helper? - Ninety-nine to one.

Wow! Ninety-nine times thirteen equals... Merry Christmas!

I got a bad feeling about this.

- Don't you believe in me, son? - Uh--

Come on, boy. Sometimes your faith is all that keeps me going.

Oh, go for it, Dad.

That's my boy! Eveything on Santa's Little Helper.

Three cheers for Brainy!

- Hip hip hooray! - Yay!

Unadulterated pap.

It's almost 9:00. Where's Homer anyway?

It's so typical of the big doof us to spoil it all.

- What, Aunt Patty? - Oh, nothing, dear.

I'm just trashing your father.

Well, I wish you wouldn't...

because aside from the fact he has the same frailties as all human belings.

he's the only father I have.

Therefore, he is my model of manhood,

and my estimation of him will govern the prospects of my adult relationships.

So I hope you bear in mind that any knock at him is a knock at me,

and I'm far too young to defend myself against such onslaughts.

Mm-hmm. Go watch your cartoon show, dear.

Come on, Bart.

Kiss the ticket for good luck, not that we need it.

Here comes Screwy the mechanical rabbit.

- and they're off!

- Come on, Santa's Little Helper! - Come on, dog! Go, man, go!

It's Whirlwind in the lane, and coming up on the left is Quadruped,

followed by Dog O'War and Fido.

- Go! Come on, boy! - Go! Come on, get that rabbit!

Dog O'War coming up fast on the outside.

- Come on, Santa's Little Helper! - Come on, dog! Go, man, go!

And with a lock on last place, it's Santa's Little Helper.

- Don't worry, Dad.

Maybe this is just for suspense before the miracle happens.

- Come on, you stupid dog! Come on! - Go, go!

- Run! Run! - Run, run! Come on, get that rabbit!

- Go, go, Santa's Little Helper! Run! - Go, go, go!

Whirlwind by a countrymile, second, ChewMyShoe, followed by Dog O'War.

Oh, jeez!

Doesn't seem possible, but I guess TV has betrayed me.

I don't wanna leave till our dog finishes.

Ah, forget it. Let's go.

- Find any winners, son? - Sory, Dad.

Hey, hey, Simpson! What'dl tell you?

Whirlwind! Let's go, Daria.

Beat it! Scram! Get lost!

- you came in last for the last time!

Look, Dad, it's Santa's Little Helper.

And don't come back!

Oh, no, you don't! No, no! Get away from me! Uh-uh!

Oh, can we keep him, Dad, please?

But he's a loser! He's pathetic! He's--

A Simpson.

Hmm. Maybe I should call the police.

- Oh, he'll sober up. - Yeah. Come staggering home.

Mm-hmm. Smelling of cheap perfume.

- Homer!

- What? What the-- Who the-- - Look, everybody,

- I have a confession to make. - This should be good.

I didn't get my Christmas bonus.

I tried not to let it ruin Christmas for everybody,

but no matter what I did--

- Hey, everybody, look what we got!

A dog! All right, Dad!

- God bless him. - So love at first sight is possible.

And if he runs away, he'll be easy to catch.

Oh, this is the best gift of all, Homer!

- It is? - Yes. Something to share our love...

and frighten prowlers.

- What's his name? - Number 8--

I mean, Santa's Little Helper.

Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer

Had a very shiny nose

And if you ever saw it

- you would even say it glows - Like a light bulb!

-Bart! - All of the other reindeer

Used to laugh and call him names

- Like Shnozzola! -Lisa!

They never let poor Rudolph

- Join in any reindeergames -Like strippoker!

-I'm warning you two! - Then one foggy Christmas Eve

- Santa came to say - Take it, Homer!

Uh, Rudolph get your nose over here

- So you can guide my sleigh today - Oh, Homer.

Then all the reindeer loved him

and they shouted out with glee

Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer

You'll go down in history

-Like Attila the Hu-- - You little--

Shh.

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Simpsons_1x02

Bart The Genius

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Come on, Mom.

Yeah, Mom. Hurry up.

All right. Mmm. How about "he"?

Two points. Your turn, dear.

Hmm. How could anyone make a word out of these lousy letters?

Oh, wait. Here's a good one." Do."

"Id." Triple word score.

- Hey, no abbreviations. - Not I.D., Dad."Id." It's a word.

- As in,"This game is stup-id." - Hey, shut up, boy.

Yeah, Bart. You're supposed to be developing verbal abilities...

for your big aptitude test tomorrow.

We could look this "id" thing up in the dictionary.

- We got one? - I think it's under the short leg of the couch.

"Id: Along with the ego and the superego...

one of three components of the psyche."

- Get outta here. - My turn." Kwyjibo."

K-W-Y-J-I-B-O.

Twenty-two points, plus triple word score...

plus 50 points for using all my letters.

- Game's over. I'm outta here. - Wait a minute, you little cheater.

You're not going anywhere until you tell me what a "kwyjibo" is.

" Kwyjibo." Uh--

A big, dumb, balding, North American ape with no chin.

- And a short temper. - I'll show you a big, dumb, balding ape!

Uh-oh. Kwyjibo on the loose.

We come from Springfield and we sell swampland

you there. No chewing gum on school grounds. In the trashcan with it.

Principal Skinner...

one of my fellow children is vandalizing school property.

Oh? Where?

Over there, sir. See?

- Look out, Bart. Here comes Skinner. - Yikes!

Hmm.

- Whoever did this is in very deep trouble.

And a sloppy speller too.

The preferred spelling of"wiener" is w-i-e-n-e-r...

although "e-i" is an acceptable ethnic variant.

Good point. Boys, let's see your hands.

Mm-hmm.

Good. Okay. Simpson?

you might say you caught him red-handed.

Simpson, you and I are going to have a little talk.

Same time, same place?

Yes. In my office after school.

Ooh!

Bart, I hope you won't bear some sort of simpleminded grudge against me.

I was merely tying to fend off the desecration of the school building.

- Eat my shorts. - Pardon?

Now, I don't want you to wory, class.

These tests will have no effect on your grades.

They merely determine your future social status and financial success. If any.

Mrs. Krabappel, isn't Bart supposed to face the window...

so he won't be tempted to look at his neighbor's paper?

- You're right, Martin. Bart?

Remember to visualize the complex problems, and relax.

The test will start... now!

"At 7:30 a. m., an express train traveling 60 miles an hour...

leaves Santa Fe bound for Phoenix, 520 miles away."

Shh! Visualizeit, Bart.

"At the same time, a local train traveling 30 miles an hour...

and carrying 40 passengers leaves Phoenix bound for Santa Fe.

It's eight cars long and always carries the same number of passengers in each car.

An hour later, a number of passengers...

equal to half the number of minutes past the hour get off...

but three times as many plus six get on.

At the second stop, half the passengers plus two get off...

but twice as many get on as got on at the first stop."

Oof!.

- Ticket, please. - I don't have a ticket.

Come with me, boy.

- We've got a stowaway, sir. - I'll pay. How much?

Twice the fare from Tucson to Flagstaff...

minus two-thirds of the fare from Albuquerque to El Paso.

- Whoa!

Bart, there are students in this class with a chance to do well.

Will you stop bothering them?

He's not bothering me, Mrs. Krabappel. I'm finished.

May I go outside and read under a tree?

Certainly, Martin.

What are you looking at, Bart?

Are those naughty dogs back again?

you have 20 minutes, class.

He's a good boy now, and he's getting better...

and sometimes even the best sheep stray from the flock...

and need to be hugged extra hard.

That's exactly the kind of crapola that's lousing him up.

Hey, look at this. "I am a wiener."

He sure is.

- Mr. and Mrs. Simpson are here.

Send them in.

- Hello again. - What have you done this time, boy?

I caught your son defacing school property this morning.

We estimate the damage at $75, and frankly...

we think it's terribly unfair that other taxpayers should foot the bill.

Yeah, it's a crummy system, but what are you gonna do?

Oh, no. He can't mean that.

My wife thinks you want me to pay for it.

- That was the idea. - Oh.

By itself, something like this might not call for an extreme penalty...

but this is not an isolated incident.

Bart's behavior is unruly.

He's frequently absent from school, then gives teachers pathetic excusenotes...

that are obviously childish forgeries when compared to--

Well, at any rate, it is my reluctant decision--

- Mr. Skinner, Dr. Pyor is here to see you.

- He says it's urgent. - Send him in.

Mr. and Mrs. Simpson, this is our district psychiatrist, Dr. J.Loren Pryor.

What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.

Oh, on the contray. I have some vey exciting news for all of us.

This aptitude test we administered this morning...

has revealed that the young Bart here is what we call a "gifted child."

- A what? - Your son is a genius, Mr. Simpson.

- Bart? - This lunkhead? - Impossible.

No, no, we're quite certain.

The child is not supposed to know his own IQ, of course...

but, uh, you can see it's beyond the range of any doubt.

- 912! - Uh, no, you have it upside down. It's 216.

- Oh. - That's still amazingly high.

Tell me, Bart, are you ever bored in school?

- Oh, you bet. - Mm-hmm.

Ever feel a little frustrated?

- All the time, sir. - Uh-huh.

Do you ever dream of leaving your class...

to pursue your own intellectual development on an independent basis?

- Wow! It's like you're reading my mind, man. - Uh-huh.

you see, when a child with Bart's intellect...

is forced to slow down to the pace of a normal person...

he's probably going to lash out in ways like these.

I think we should retest him.

- We should move him to another school. - Ooh. Better yet.

Bart, we'd like you to try a kind of school...

that doesn't rely on grades and rules and bells and buzzers.

A school without walls...

where you do as much or as little of the assignments as you feel you need to.

- Does that sound good, Bart? - Sign me up, Doc.

Excellent. We're all set. Here's all the information you need.

Show up around nine-ish.

Mr. and Mrs. Simpson, congratulations once again.

I think we're all in a mood to celebrate.

Doc, this is all too much. I mean, my son a genius? How does it happen?

Genius-level intelligence is usually the result of heredity and environment.

Although, in some cases, it's a total mystery.

Aw, come on, Mom.

you look vey intelligent, dear.

No way!

How about a tie, son? Eveybody knows boy geniuses wear ties.

You're stifling my creativity, Dad.

- Sorry, boy. - Bart, this is a big day for you.

Why don't you eat something a little more nutritious?

Nonsense, Marge. Frosty Krusty Flakes are what got him where he is today.

It could be one of these chemicals here that makes him so smart.

Lisa, maybe you should try some of this.

- Homer! - I'm just saying why not have two geniuses in the family?

Sort of a spare in case Bart's brain blows up.

I don't care what that stupid test says, Bart. You're a dimwit.

Maybe so, but from now on...

this dimwit is on easy street.

- No rush, Dad. Take the scenic route. - Gotcha.

Oh, no. Ties.

Don't worry, son. you can have mine.

Here. Let me show you how to put on a tie.

The hook goes over the top and these things go in there.

Thanks, Dad.

you kissed me.

There's nothing wrong with a father kissing his son. I think.

Now go on, boy, and pay attention.

Because if you do, one day you may achieve something...

that we Simpsons have dreamed about for generations.

you may outsmart someone.

You must be Bart Simpson.

I'm Ms. Melon, your learning coordinator.

Let me say right at the start that we have one rule here:

Make your own rules.

If you feel sleepy, take a nap.

If you get bored, feel free to take out a book and start reading.

- What should I read, ma'am? - Anything you want, Bart.

Oh!

A comic book?

How did this get mixed in here?

We used it last week as a prop in a film we made about illiteracy.

Bart, these are the students who will share your work area.

This is Ethan Foley.

O Memsahib, Bart. Rabbi has memo.

- What? - Ethan's very good with palindromes.

you know, sentences spelled the same backwards and forwards.

And this is Sidney Swift.

- Trabing norm doog. - What's your problem?

Oh, don't mind Sidney.

He's just speaking in backwards phonetics today.

He said, "Good morning, Bart."

- And this is Cecile Shapiro. - Hi, Bart.

Cool hamsters. What are their names?

Hamster Number One has been infected with a staphylococci virus.

Hamster NumberTwo is the control hamster.

Hi, little control hamster.

I wouldn't get too attached. We're dissecting him next week.

Discover your desks, people.

Now let's all welcome the newest member...

of our collective experience, Bart Simpson.

And now we can continue our debate from yesterday.

When we left off, Calvin and Tanya were arguing...

that free will is an illusion.

If you ask me, humankind has freedom...

a freedom fraught with paradoxes.

Freud shows how childhood shapes our subconscious mind...

but this helps us to think for ourselves.

Very good, Ian.

Does anyone else have an example of a paradox?

Without law and order, man has no freedom.

If you want peace, you must prepare for war.

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Well, it seems the smartest child in the class...

is also the quietest.

Bart, what other paradoxes affect our lives?

Well... you're damned if you do...

and you're damned if you don't.

Well, I guess that would be a paradox too.

Thank you, Bart.

Whew!

Tell you what, Bart. I'll trade you the weight of a bowling ball...

on the eighth moon of Jupiter from my lunch...

for the weight of a feather on the second moon of Neptune from your lunch.

- Well, okay. - There you go!

I'll trade you1,000 picoliters of my milk for 4 gills of yours.

- Well, all right. - Anything you say.

Uh, Bart, would you wager your cupcake against my--

Save your breath.

What do you think of the new kid?

A rather mediocre genius.

Yes, not vey bright at all.

- So, how was it?

- Os-os. - What?

- That's backwards for so-so. - Wow.

What are you reading there? Comic books?

Uh, guess you don't want to overheat the old noggin, eh?

Tell you what.

To celebrate your first day of genius school...

what do you say we go out for a round off rosty chocolate milkshakes?

All righty!

Bart, I feel so bad for going so many years without...

mmm, hmm--

What's that word where you encourage something to grow?

- Nurturing. - Nurturing your brilliant brain...

so I got tickets to the opera tonight.

Hurry up. Get dressed. It starts at 8:00.

Oh, Mom. Not tonight.

Bart, your mother's only tying to help, so go ahead and enjoy the show.

- Homer, you're going too. - But I'm not a genius. Why should I suffer?

Hey, Lis, keep an eye out for the guy with the peanuts.

There's no guy with peanuts, dear.

- Geez. No beer. No opera dogs. - Shh!

Toreador, oh, don't spit on the floor

Please use the cuspidor That's what it's for

- Bart, stop fooling around.

Homer, stop encouraging him.

Don't stifle the boy, Marge.

- We're supposed to encourage him. - Shush!

Shh!

- Who's the lard butt? -He's the bullfighter.

No way a bull's gonna miss a target that big, man.

Who are those people?

P.U.When is this over?

It ain't over till the fat lady sings.

Is that one fat enough for you, son?

Let's go get a burger.

So,"Y" equals " R" cubed over three.

And if you determine the rate of change in this curve correctly...

I think you will be pleasantly surprised.

Don't you get it, Bart? Derivative D-Y equals three R squared...

D R over three, or R squared D R, or R D R R.

Har-dee-har-har. Get it?

Oh, yeah.

Hi, guys. Great to see ya.

- Get lost, Poindexter. - Yeah, beat it, Professor.

Why don't you go build a rocket ship, brainiac?

Well, come on, you two. Don't forget about the film festival.

- The what? - Oh, sorry, Bart.

Your mother bought us tickets to a snooty movie...

directed by some Swedish meatball.

Oh, no.

Well, I guess we don't have to do that.

Um, look, Dad. I got something to tell you.

Can it wait, son? It's getting kinda dark.

All right, Homer. Come on, baby.

- Right across the plate. Let me feel the wind.

Whoa! Strike two! Two and two.

Can you still see the ball, Bart?

Don't worry, Home boy. You're not that fast.

Oh, you don't think so, eh?

Well, here comes some real heat.

Whoa! Yeah, strike three! You're outta there!

- So, what was it you wanted to tell me, son? - Oh, nothing, Pop.

I'm still trying to get you a labpartner, Bart.

If we don't get any volunteers soon, I'll assign somebody.

Say, what's that? It looks dangerous.

Well, it's really pretty top secret, ma'am.

All right, keep going.

But you do know what happens when you mix acids and bases, right?

- 'Course I do.

- Sorry.

Now, Bart, we want to emphasize that nobody's angry about this.

We're-- We're just concerned.

When a young man with a 216 IQ can't make a simple experiment work...

well, it doesn't take a Bart Simpson to figure out that something's wrong.

Tell me. Is the class moving too slowly for you?

- Lord, no. - Well, then, what can we do to make you happy?

I wanna go back to my old class.

Oh, but, Bart, don't you remember the boredom...

the ennui, the intellectual malaise?

Yeah, well, you know, kinda, um...

but I was thinking I could go undercover.

Undercover? Bart, I'm intrigued. Go on.

Well, I could pretend I'm a regular dumb kid.

you know, to study them and all the stuff they do with each other.

you know, see what makes them tick.

I see. Like Jane Goodall and the chimps.

- Yeah. - Uh-huh. This is most impressive, Bart.

you write up your proposal while I talk to Principal Skinner.

- Proposal? - you know, outline your project...

what you hope to achieve, what you'll require to do it.

Gotcha, man.

"'My proposal' by Bart Simpson.

I want to pretend...

I am a regular dumb kid. Period.

By this, I hope--"

Oh, no. " For this, I will--"

Ohh." Require--"

Ohh. Oh, man.

"'My Confession' by Bart Simpson.

I am a regular dumb kid. Period.

I cheated on my intelligence test. Period."

Ah, finished already?

Principal Skinner will be vey interested to-- to--

Oh. You know...

you misspelled "confession."

Hey, lookin' good, Bart.

- Bart, what happened? - I had a little accident in chemisty today.

Well, I bet it's nothing a little turpentine won't take off. Come on, son.

Don't be discouraged, son.

I bet Einstein turned himself all sorts of colors...

before he invented the lightbulb.

Dad, I gotta tell you something.

Hope you won't be too mad.

- What is it, son? - I'm not a genius, Dad.

- What? - I cheated on the intelligence test.

I'm sorry. Butl just want to say...

that the past few weeks have been great.

Me and you have done stuff together.

You've helped me out with things...

and we're closer than we've ever been.

I love you, Dad.

And I think if something can bring us that close...

it can't possibly be bad.

- Why, you little-- - Uh-oh.

- What's going on out there?

I think Bart's stupid again, Mom.

Oh, well.

you can't stay in there forever!

- I can ty. - March your butt right out here, now!

- No way, man. - But-- Son, if you don't come out...

I can't hug you and kiss you and make you feel all better.

you think I'm dumb enough to fall for that? I'm insulted.

Subtitles By Captions, Inc. Los Angeles

Shh!

=====================================================================================================================================

==========================================

The Simpsons 1x03

Homer's Odyssey

==========================================

- Aah!

Now class, I don't want this field trip to be a repeat of our infamous visit...

to the Springfield State Prison.

So, I want you all to be on your best behavior,

especially you, Bart Simpson.

Mrs. Krabappel, I didn't unlock that door.

- Uh, sorry, little dudes.

Party hardy was tardy.

- All right, children. Count off. - One, two, three.

- Hey, Otto. Hey, Ottoman. - Hey, Bart dude.

Any new tattoos, Otto?

Oh, funny you should ask, man.

This morning I woke up with this one.

Cool. I want one.

Huh. Not till you're 14, my little friend.

Bart! Bart Simpson!

Take your seat, Bart.

Oh, please, Mrs. Krabappel, not next to Wendell.

He pukes on every bus ride. No offense, Wendell.

- Oh. - Be that as it may, it's the only seat left,

so get in there!

Please try not to shake the seat like that.

Now, class, remember. Do not stick any part of your body out the window.

We all know the tragic story of the young man who stuck his arm out the window...

and had it ripped off by a big truck coming in the other direction.

And I was that boy.

Uh, Bart Simpson, sit down!

I've had just about enough of your tomfoolery.

Oh, I don't feel so hot.

Look, there's our school again.

- Otto, are you sure you-- - It's a shortcut, Mrs. K. Trust me.

Mrs. Krabappel! Mrs. Krabappel!

Bart, not another word out of you, or I'll subject you to the humiliation...

of making you sing in front of the class.

- Can I pick the song? - No.

The song will be "john Henry Was a Steel Drivin' Man."

Oh, no.

We're gonna make you sing, Bart Simpson.

Yeah, Bart Simpson, we're gonna make you sing.

That's it, Bart. Oh, why can't you be more like, uh, uh--

- Us, Mrs. Krabappel? - Yes, Sherri and Terri. They know how to behave.

Da, da, da, da, da, da. Whoa!

They took Bart Simpson to the graveyard

And they buried him in the sand

Oh, yeah, and every locomotive that comes rollin' by

- Bart. Bart! - Says there lies a steel-drivin' man

- Lord, Lord, oh, there lies a-- - Okay, Bart. Enough!

Hey, Wendell, you made it, buddy.

And so, this plant harnesses the power of the atom...

so that we have the energy to run eveything from your favorite video game...

to yummy cotton candy machines.

Let's learn more about nuclear energy, shall we?

Lights.

When most people think of nuclear energy,

they think of this.

But when we talk about nuclear energy,

we really mean this.

But what exactly is nuclear energy?

I don't know, but I know someone who does.

-Smilin' Joe Fission. - Hi, there, energy eaters.

I'm Smilin'joe Fission, your atomic tour guide...

to the strange and exciting world of nuclear power.

And these are rods of uranium 235. Hi, Rod.

Hi. Hey. Good to see ya.

-Hey, you guys look hot. -Of course we're hot. We're radioactive.

Uh-oh. Well, how 'bout a dip in the pool?

Yeah! Last one in's the rotten rod!

The rods make the water so hot it boils.

Ow! Ouch! Ow!

and the steams pins turbines that generate energy.

Bart, sit down.

Uh-oh. Whoops.

Looks like there's a little leftover nuclear waste. No problem.

I'll just put it where nobody'll find it for a million years.

So, now you know the whole true stoy of nuclear energy,

our no longer misunderstood friend.

So, keep on smilin'.

Now, let's have even more fun.

And, uh, over here is our thermal regulator.

to your right, if you look through this window,

you'll see where our water rejoins the rest of nature's biosphere.

- Hey, Bart, our dad says your dad is incompetent. - What does incompetent mean?

It means he spends more time yakking and scarfing down doughnuts than doing his job.

Oh, okay. I thought you were putting him down.

you know, I defy anyone to tell the difference...

between these doughnuts and ones baked today.

My boy's supposed to be here any second on a field trip. They been through here yet?

Come on, Simpson. If they wanted the kids to see you sitting around...

on your butt and stuffin' your face, they'd take them on a tour of your house.

You're right. I gotta get where the action is.

Comin' through!

Hey, there's my dad.

Hey, Dad! Yo, Homer! Woo! Woo! I'm up here!

Oh, hi, boy!

-All right. Who's responsible for this?

-I might have known it was you, Simpson. -But, sir, I--

I don't want to hear about it, Simpson. You're fired!

- Oh, hi, girls. - Hi, Daddy.

Here's a good job at the fireworks factory.

- Those perfectionists? Forget it. - How 'bout this?

Supervising technician at the toxic waste dump.

I'm no supervising technician. I'm a technical supervisor.

I've never done anything worthwhile in my life. I'm a big, worthless nothing.

There, there, Homer. You'll find a job.

You've caused plenty of industrial accidents, and you've always bounced back.

- Yeah, Dad, you can do it! - Yeah, go for it, Dad.

You're right! I'm young, I'm able-bodied and I'll take anything!

Watch out, Springfield. Here I come.

Don't give up, Dad.

I'm just a technical supervisor who cared too much.

- Moe's Tavern. - Is Mr. Freely there?

- Who? - Freely. First initials "I.P."

Hold on. I'll check.

Uh, is I.P.Freely here?

Hey, eveybody! I.P.Freely!

Wait a minute. Listen to me, ya lousy bum.

- When I get a hold of you, you're dead.

I swear I'm gonna slice your heart in half.

- You'll get that punk someday, Moe. - Ah, I don't know.

He's tough to catch. He keeps changing his name.

Oh, I think I'll have another-- Oops.

Oh, I'm a little low on funds.

- Do you think you can cover me just this once? - No, sorry.

W-Why not? I think after all these years I deserve an explanation.

I don't think you're ever gonna get another job and be able to pay me back.

- Oh. - Don't worry. We're still friends.

I fall to pieces

- All you all right, Homer? - I'm fine. I'm just thinking.

Well, I've been thinking too.

you know, Homer, you've always been such a good provider, but when we got married,

Mr. Berger promised I could come back to my old job anytime I wanted.

you think you can still do that kind of work?

Sure. You never forget. It's just like riding a bicycle.

- Hey, Mama, where's my fries already?

Dad, eat something. It's got mustard on it.

All he does is lie there like an unemployed whale.

I don't know what else to do.

There's only one thing we can do: take advantage of the old guy.

you gotta sign my report card, Dad.

Loaf time, the cable network for the unemployed.

We'll be back with more tips on how to win the lottery right aftert his.

Unemployed? Out of work? Sober?

You sat around the house all day, but now it's Dufftime.

Duff, the beer that makes the days fly by.

Can't get enough of that wonderful Duff

-Duffbeer -Beer. Now there's a temporay solution.

There must be some beer here somewhere.

Ah. Maybe in here.

Damn! I need money!

Oh, no. What have I done?

I smashed open my little boy's piggy bank, and for what?

A few measly cents.

Not even enough to buy one beer.

Wait a minute. Let me count and make sure. Not even close.

Dear family.

I am an utter failure, and you'll be better off without me.

By the time you read this, I will be in my watey grave.

I can only leave you with the words my father gave me:

"Stand tall, have courage and never give up."

I only hope I can provide a better model...

in death than I did in life.

Warmest regards.

Love, Homer J. Simpson.

Nothing's easy.

Oh, looks like young Simpson is going to kill himself.

Well, maybe not. Maybe he's just taking his boulder for a walk.

Oh.

- Mom! Mom! Wake up! - We've been robbed!

- What? - Someone swiped my piggy bank!

Your father's gone too!

- Look what I found.

Almost there.

Hey, you idiot! Watch where you're going!

Well, live and learn.

- There he is! - Don't do it, Dad!

Boy, this intersection is dangerous.

Someone ought to put a stop sign here.

Oh, Homer.

How could you think of killing yourself? We love you.

- Yeah, Dad. We love you. - Yeah.

Kill myself? Killing myselfis the last thing I'd ever do.

Now I have a purpose, a reason to live.

I don't care who I have to face.

I don't care who I have to fight.

I will not rest until this street gets a stop sign!

Next on the agenda. Police Chief Wiggum...

will give us an update on our graffiti problem.

Well, it's no secret our city is under siege...

by a graffiti vandal known as " El Barto."

Police artists have a composite sketch of the culprit.

If anyone has any information, please contactus immediately.

Cool, man.

- Tough customer. - Ooh, wouldn't want to run into him in a dark alley.

And now, new business. Homer Simpson, local resident, has something. Mr. Simpson?

Don't be nervous. We believe in you, Homer.

Ladies and gentlemen, esteemed councilmen,

boys and girls, retired people with nothing better to do.

Danger comes in many, many forms,

- from dinosaurs that tormented our caveman ancestors to the-- -Simpson, get to the point.

I think we should put a stop sign at " D" Street and 12th.

- The other-- - All in favor?

- Aye. - Approved. Meeting adjourned.

- Coffee and maple logs in the lobby. - Wow. They listened to me.

- All right, Dad! - Way to go, Homer.

- you did it, Homer. - If they think I'm gonna stop at that stop sign,

they're sadly mistaken.

- Oh, Homer, I am so proud of you. - Proud? Proud of what?

Well, eveything. Your dip sign, for instance.

Now people won't be caught offguard by that little "mm-mmm" in the road.

Ah, what a great family, but come on.

We all know this is small potatoes.

There's a danger in this town that is bigger than all the dips put together.

- What, Dad? - I'm talking about that.

you don't mean you're going to take on your old bosses.

- Wow. - Gee, Dad's a hero.

- What'd ya say, son? - Nothin'.

That's okay. I'll just assume you said what I thought I heard you say.

- He also brought you the speed bump,

the dip sign,

- the 15 miles per hour speed limit on Main Street.

I give you the man whose very name is synonymous with safety.

- Homer Simpson! - Homer! Homer!

Thank you.

Unlike most of you, I am not a nut.

Just a good, honest American who opposes wrongdoing...

and especially carelessness wherever they occur.

Look at that man.

He has the crowd in the palm of his hand.

Ah, haven't seen anything like it since Jolson. Who is he?

That's Homer Simpson, sir.

He used to work here in the plant, but we fired him for gross incompetence.

Oh, so that's his little game.

- Get this Simpson character uphere right now. - But Mr. Burns--

I said do it! Now do it! Do it! Do it!

Our lives are at the hands of men no smarter than you or I,

many of them, incompetent boobs.

I know this because I worked alongside them,

gone bowling with them,

watched them pass me over for promotions time and again.

- And I say, this stinks!

Hey. Hey, Simpson, Burns wants to talk to you privately.

- Privately? - Yes.

Stay here. I'll be right back.

- Ah, Homer Simpson, at last we meet. - Same here.

Simpson, I want you to rejoin our power plant family.

- Sorry. No can do. - Hear me out, Simpson!

I don't want you to come back as a technical supervisor or supervising technician...

or whatever the hell you used to do.

I want you to be in charge of safety here at the plant.

Safety? But, sir, if truth be known,

I actually caused more accidents around here than any other employee.

There were even a few doozies no one ever found out about.

The generous offer I'm making is good for exactly...

30 seconds, Simpson.

Me, in charge ofsafety?

This place could blow sky high. Nah. I'll concentrate on my work now.

Gee, this guy's desk sure is big.

I can't let Marge support the family.

This guy's got the cleanest shirt I've ever seen. What should I--

Simpson, time's up.

- Mmm, what the hey. I'll take the job. - Excellent.

Your first duty will be to step out on the balcony...

and tell that crowd this plant is safe.

- What? - Go on, Homer.

Homer! Homer! Homer! Homer! Homer!

- Yeah, Homer!

Go, Dad!

Ladies and gentlemen, this plant is--

Oh, sit tight. I'll be right back.

I can't do it, Mr. Burns.

you mean, you're willing to give up a good job and a raise...

just for your principles?

Mmm. When you put it that way, it does sound a little farfetched,

but that's the lug you're lookin' at!

And I vow to continue spending evey free minute I have...

crusading for safety!

Of course, I'd have a lot less of those free minutes if you gave me the job.

Mmm. You're not as stupid as you look or sound...

or our best testing indicates.

- You've got the job. Now get to work! - I'll get to work,

but first I have to say good-bye to some friends.

- Friends,

you have come to depend on me as your safety watchdog...

so you won't scrape yourself or stub your toes...

or blow yourselves up.

But you can't depend on me all your life.

you have to learn that there's a little Homer Simpson in all of us,

and I'm going to have to live without your respect and awe.

The only reason I'm telling you this is...

I'm going to be leaving you.

- But don't worry.

I have just been appointed the new safety inspector at this very plant...

with a big, fat raise!

Hey, that's my pop up there! Dad, watch out!

Whoa, easy! Don't drop me.

- Be careful. - Homer! Homer! Homer!

Shh.

=====================================================================================================================================

==========================================

The Simpsons 1x04

There's No Disgrace Like Home

==========================================

- Aah!

Ooh!

- Yeah. Oh, yeah? - Lisa] Yeah. Yeah!

- Yeah? Oh, yeah? - Yeah.

Hey, what's the problem here?

We were fighting over which one of us loves you more.

you were? Aw, well, go ahead.

- you love him more. - No, you do.

- No, I don't. - Yes, you do!

you better get this out of your system right now!

I don't want you embarrassing me at my boss's picnic.

Mmm. Marshmallow.

- Homer!

I'm tying to get the unfortunate noises out of my system while I can.

I don't want to embarrass myself at the company picnic.

Are you sure that's enough? The boss loves your delicious gelatin desserts.

Oh, Homer, Mr. Burns just said he liked it... once.

That's the only time he's ever spoken to me without using the word "bonehead."

There it is, kids!

Stately Burns Manor. Heaven on Earth.

Okay, now look, my boss is gonna be at this picnic.

I want you to show your father some love and/or respect.

- Tough choice. - I'm picking respect.

Good to see you. Glad you could make it.

Oh, Thank you, Mr. Burns. I'm so glad you invited us.

- Not me. I had to miss little league for this. - Quiet, Tom.

Oh, please, don't fight. Just go out back and have a good time.

Fire that man, Smithers.

I don't want him or his unpleasant family to ruin my picnic.

He'll be gone by the tug-of-war, sir.

- Excellent. -Uh, afternoon, Mr. Burns.

Uh, hello, there, uh-- uh--

- Simpson, Homer. - Here yougo, sir.

Ah! Oh, yes. Uh, oh, and this must be your lovely wife, Marge.

Oh, and look at little, uh, Lisa.

Why, she's growing like a weed.

-And this must be, uh, Brat. - Bart.

Don't correct the man, Brat. Oh, boss, look what we brought-- gelatin desserts.

Oh, for the love of Peter. That's all anybody brought.

Some damn fool went around telling everyone I love that slimy goop.

Well, toss it in the pile over there.

And... make yourselves at home.

Hear that, Dad? You can lie around in your underwear and scratch yourself.

- Now, you listen to me-- - Trouble, Simpson?

No. just congratulating the son on a fine joke about his old man.

Now remember, as far as anyone knows,

we're a nice, normal family.

Hey, Bart, last one in the fountain's a rotten egg!

D-oh! Be normal. Be normal!

Mmm! What an adorable little girl.

Thank you.

Why don't we dump them in the nursey and get a glass of punch?

Oh, I'm not much of a drinker.

Hey, isn't that your boy there torturing the swans?

- Bart!

Maybe I will take you up on that punch.

Gee, do you think we should leave the kids unsupervised?

You're right. There.

- Bart! Lisa!

- Where are you kids? D-oh! - Whoops.

- Gotya! - Careful. Blow a gasket, lose your job.

The father/son-sack race...

will begin in five minutes on the north lawn.

Participation is mandatoy. Repeat, mandatoy. That is all.

- you remember the rules? - Shut my mouth, and let your boss win.

- Hey!

I don't know who to love more: my son, Joshua, who's captain of the footballteam,:

or my daughter, Amber, who got the lead in the school play.

Usually, I use their grades as a tiebreaker,

but they both got straight A's this term.

- What's a mother to do? - Mm-hmm.

- Well, I sense greatness in my family. - Your family?

Well, it's a greatness that others can't see, but it's there.

And if it's not true greatness we have, we're at least average.

I don't want to alarm anyone,

but I think there's a little "al-key-hol" in this punch.

- Mr. Burns, are you ready? - Yes.

- Are youset? - Yes.

- Go, Mr. Burns.

Man, this is pathetic. I'm goin' for it!

Bart, no! No! No! No!

Oh, no, wait. Oh, no. Bart, don't.

Don't. No!

Close one this year.

- Here we sit enjoying the shade - Hey, brother, pour on the wine

- Drink the drink that I have made - Hey, brother, pour on the wine

He's here at last my one and only Good-bye friends

-And don't be lonely -Hey, brother, pour on the wine

- Marge, I need you! - Hey, Homie, did you try the punch?

Snap out of it, Marge.

You've gotta come with me. The boss is going to make a toast.

Well, I'm not much of a drinker.

Why, you picked a perfect time to start.

Musicians, cease that infernal tootling.

"Thank you all..." uh,"for coming."

- Marge, knock it off. - Well, I'm sory.

- I'm sorry. I'm sorry. - Marge!

" But now it's time to say good-bye.

Please get off my property until next year."

I suggest you don't dawdle. The hounds will be released in ten minutes.

- Did you have a good time, son? - Yeah, thanks, Pop.

Aw, that's the kind of family unity I like to see. Smithers.

- Yes, sir? - Get that man's name.

I predict big things for him down at the power plant.

Quick, Bart, give me a kiss.

Kiss you? But, Dad, I'm your kid.

Bart, please? Five bucks for a kiss.

I have never seen such an obvious attempt to curry my favor.

Fabulous observation, sir. Just fabulous.

- Boy, I'm glad that's over.

- Now we can go home and act normal. - What do you mean?

Aw, come on. That cornball routine?

"I love you, Daddy." Give me a break.

- I pity you. - Why?

- After you. - Thank you so much.

- Me first! No, me. Me. Me. - No, me. No, me. Me. Me.

Honey, you look so tired. Would you like me to drive?

Oh, Homie, I think I'm going to be sick.

There was a farmer who had a dog

And Bingo was his name Oh

B-i-n-g-o B-i-n-g-o

B-i-n-g-o and Bingo was his name, oh

Homie, get in the car.

- This is where you belong. - Yeah, Homer.

Room for one more.

One of us. One of us. One of us. One of us.

B-i-n-g-o B-i-n-g-o

-B-i-n-g-o

The father of the family has worked all day...

to find this food for his children.

Unable to fend for themselves, the babybaldeaglets...

are dependent on their mother regurgitating food which she has found.

- Hey! - Look, eveybody.

Yesterday was a real eye-opener.

We've got to do better as a family.

Tonight, we're not going to shovel food in our mouths while we stare at the TV.

We're going to eat at the dining room table like a normal family.

- Happy, Dad? - Yes.

Good. Commence shoveling.

No. We're going to say grace first.

Okay. Rub-a-dub-dub, thanks for the grub.

No! Ignore the boy, Lord.

Can the chatter, and bow your heads.

Dear Lord, Thank you for this microwave bounty,

even though we don't deserve it.

I mean, our kids are uncontrollable hellions.

Pardon my French, but the Y act like savages.

Did you see them at the picnic?

Of course you did. You're everywhere. You're "omnivorous."

O Lord, why did you smite me with this family?

- Amen! - Let's eat.

No, I'm not done yet!

But, Homer, how long are we supposed to sit here...

and listen to you bad-mouth us to the Man Upstairs?

I'm sory, Marge, but sometimes I think we're the worst family in town.

Maybe we should move to a larger community.

- D-oh! - Don't have a cow, Dad.

The sad truth is, all families are like us.

you think so, huh? Well, there's only one way to find out. Follow me.

Look at that, kids. No fighting. No yelling.

- No belching. - The dad has his shirt on.

Look, napkins!

- These people are obviously freaks. - Oh, you think so?

Well, let's see what's behind door number two.

- What are they doing? - They're having a conversation.

The Y actually enjoy talking to each other.

I wish I could hear what they're saying.

Papa, I believe I heard some rustling in the bushes.

Hmm. I did too. Better get the gun.

Where's he going?

Probably to get the old man his pipe and slippers.

Whoa, look at this place. What a dump!

It's worse than you think.

I just trampled this poor sap's flower bed.

- Homer, this is our house. - Aaah!

- Are you coming in, Homer? - No, no.

I wanna be alone with my thought.

Fans are getting a bit anxious here. - Another beer, Moe.

What's-a matter, Homer? Bloodiest fight of the year.

You're sitting there like a thirsty bump on a log.

- Eddie. - Evening, Moe.

- Want some pretzels? - No, thanks. We're on duty.

- A couple beers would be nice, though. - Two bucks, boys.

Just kidding.

Good one, Moe. We're looking for a family of Peeping Toms...

who's been terrorizing the neighborhood.

Quiet, boy. Let the nice people enjoy their beers.

Ah, don't worry. This dog has the scent.

- What's gotten into Bobo? - I got some wieners in my pocket.

That figures. Come on, you stupid dog.

you know, Moe, my mom once said something that really stuck with me.

She said," Homer, you're a big disappointment."

And God bless her soul, she was really on to something.

Don't blame yourself, Homer. you got dealt a bad hand.

You got crummy little kids that nobody can control.

you can't talk that way about my kids! Or at least two of them.

- Why, you got two I haven't met? - Why, you--

- Here's five you haven't met. - A tremendous right. That's gotta hurt.

- This fight is over!

All-StarBoxing is brought to you by...

Dr. Marvin Monroe's Family Therapy Center.

Huh? What?

- Honey, aren't you going to work today? - Oh, I don't think so.

Honey, you have a problem, and it won't get better till you admit it.

I admit this: you better shut your big yap.

- Oh, you shut up. No, you shut up! - No, you shut up!

- Shut up! - Why don't you both shut up?

Hi, friends. I'm Dr. Marvin Monroe.

Does this scene look familiar? Ifso, I can help.

No gimmicks. No pills. No faddiets.

Just family bliss, or double your money back. So call today.

Dr. Marvin Monroe's Family Therapy Center.

Why don't you call right now?

When will I learn?

The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle.

They're on TV!

All right, time for a family meeting.

Why can't we have a meeting when you're watching TV?

Now look, you know and I know this family needs help, professional help.

So I've made us an appointment with Dr. Marvin Monroe.

The fat guy on TV?

You're sending us to a doctor who advertises on pro wrestling?

Boxing, Lisa, boxing. There's a world of difference.

Gee, Homer, are you sure this is the right thing to do?

Honey, I've given this matter a lot of study,

and of all the commercials I saw, his was the best.

- All it costs is $250. - We don't have that kind of money.

Well, then, we're just going to have to dig deep.

- Marge, go get the kids' college fund. - Hey!

- Oh, Homer. - Oh, come on, Marge.

Why scrimp now on the off chance that they'll actually get in some place?

Forty-eight. Forty-nine. Fifty.

Eighty-eight dollars and fifty cents.

That's it? That's the college fund we've been saving for all these years?

I guess I'd have needed a partial scholarship.

We're not licked yet.

To save this family, we're going to have to make the supreme sacrifice.

No, Dad. Please don't pawn the TV.

Oh, come on, Dad, anything but that.

Homer, couldn't we pawn my engagement ring instead?

Now, I appreciate that, honey, but we need $150 here!

Afternoon, Simpson. What can I do for ya?

Would you pay $150 for this lovely Motorola?

- Is it cable ready? - Ready as she'll ever be.

Mister, you got yourself a deal.

All our money, the college funds, the TV.

Homer, you're driving a stake through the hearts of those who love you.

- Hey, no pain, no gain. - Will you be paying by cash or check?

Cash, of course. I've got $250 right here with me.

I'm holding it right now. Here it is. Look.

Check it out. 250 big ones.

If you really want to impress her,

show her the big, empty space where our TV used to be.

- Bart! - Come on, family.

Let's go celebrate our newfound ability to express love.

I'm taking you out for frosty chocolatemilkshakes.

Yea!

There go my young-girl dreams of Vassar.

Hello, I'm Dr. Marvin Monroe. No doubt you recognize me from TV.

- We would ifwe had one. - Lisa!

No, no, Homer, don't stifle the youngster.

Your family must feel free to express itself.

That's what these pads and jumbo markers are for.

I want you to draw for me your fears, your anxieties,

the roots of your unhappiness.

Take a deep, cleansing breath.

And begin.

- Mm-hmm. Uh-huh.

No surprises here.

- Homer?

- Homer, what have you got for us?

- Homer? - Sorry, I wasn't paying attention.

If you had been paying attention,

perhaps you would have noticed that your family sees you...

as a rather stern authority figure, an ogre, if you will.

- Now, Doctor, that's not true. - Ogre is such a strong word.

Right on, Doc! Another successful diagnosis.

- That does it! - Whoa!

Okay, you wanna kill each other. That's good. That's healthy.

There's nothing necessarily wrong with hostile conflict.

All I ask is that you use my patented aggression therapy mallets.

- Good idea. - All right. - I don't know.

Okay. Let's take another deep, cleansing breath.

These mallet things are padded with foam rubber. What's the point?

They'd work much better without the padding, Doc.

- No, no. That's not true.

- Ah! Give me that. - See?

Yes, well, that concludes this portion of our treatment.

- Are we cured yet? - Don't be ridiculous.

you will be, but it's going to require somewhat more unorthodox methods.

- Unortho-what? - Don't worry.

I'll have plenty of time to explain while I warm up the...

electric generator.

Eveyone comfy? Good.

Now, don't touch any of those buttons in front of you...

for a very important reason, i.e., you are wired into the rest of your family.

you have the ability to shock them, and they have the ability to shock--

-just testing.

- Why, you-- - No, Homer, not yet.

This is what is known as aversion therapy.

When someone hurts you emotionally, you will hurt them physically.

And gradually you will learn not to hurt each other at all.

And won't that be wonderful, Homer?

- Oh, yes, Doctor.

- Whoa! - Aaah!

-How could you shock your little sister? -My finger slipped.

- So did mine. - Aaaah!

- Bart, Lisa, stop that.

No, no. Now, wait a minute.

Wait! Wait! Folks, if I could--

This is not the way to get healthy!

No! You don't understand, Simpsons!

- People, please!

Boy.

Someone's really gobbling up the juice, sir.

Excellent. Excellent.

Perhaps this energy conservation fad is as dead as the dodo.

- No! No! Simpsons!

- Son of a-- -Stop!

- Dr. Monroe, your other patients have fled the building. - Stop!

You're damaging the equipment.

-Nice hair, Mom. -I thought we were making real progress.

No, I'm sorry, you're not! You've just got to go.

Wait a minute, Doc, your TV commercial said,

family bliss or double our money back.

Oh, but that was just--

All right. Get the money.

20,40,60,80,1.20,40,60,80,2. 20,40,60,80,3.

20,40,60,80,4. 20,40,60,80,500.

Just go, and never tell anyone youwere here!

Wow, 500 smackers.

Homer, how wonderful. Our first pleasant surprise.

It's not the money, as much as the feeling that we earned it.

you did it, Dad.

Shouldn't we be heading down to the pawn shop to get our TV back?

That piece of junk? Forget it.

We're gonna get a new TV.

Twenty-one inch screen, realistic flesh tones...

and a little cart so we can wheel it into the dining room on holidays.

- Yea! - Oh, Homer, we love you.

=====================================================================================================================================

==========================================

The Simpsons 1x05

Bart the General

==========================================

Do I smell cupcakes?

- Ooh! Do I ever! -Uh-uh, Homer.

Lisa's making these for her teacher.

Ah. Say no more.

- Yum! Don't mind ifl do. - Bart!

- Oh, man! Keep your greasy mitts outta there.

- These are for Lisa's class. - It's Mrs. Hoover's birthday.

- you know, there are names for people like you. - No, there aren't.

- Teacher's pet, apple polisher, butt kisser-- - Bart!

- You're saying "buttkisser" like it's a bad thing. - Huh?

Well, you see, boy, it never hurts to grease the wheels a little.

I'm not greasing the wheels, Dad. I like my teacher.

Sure, Lis. you see how it works, Bart?

A cupcake here, a good grade there.

Dad, I get good grades 'cause I'm smart and I pay attention and I study hard.

Yeah, right, Lisa. It's the three roads to success, Bart:

work, brains and hmm--

Oh, brother.

- Uh-oh, school bus. Gotta go.

Heh-heh-heh. Doh!

- Yo, Ottoman! - Yo, Bart dude!

Hey, can you believe it, man?

My sister here made a whole pile up cupcakes to butter up her teacher,

and she won't give anybody else even one measly little crumb.

That's bad news, man.

Here, Otto. I made an extra one for you.

- Oh, thanks, little lady. - You're welcome.

- Whoa!

- Better let me hold these, Lis. - Forget it.

- you sniveling toad! you little egg sucker! - Tell me more.

Back-scratcher. Foot-licker. Honor student!

You'll never get one now, Mr. Name-caller.

All right, all right. Look, I'm sory. I-I got upset.

In the heat of the moment, I said some things I didn't mean.

- you weren't thinking, were you? -No.

-I'm not a sniveling toad, am I? -Not really.

I'm not a little egg sucker, am I?

- Of course not. - Then what am I?

- A beautiful human being. - What do you like best about me?

Well, I'd have to say...

your generous nature, your spirit of giving.

Well--

Open your mouth and close your eyes, and you will get a big surprise.

Ahh!

Thanks, Lis. You're the best.

- Look, Janey. Cupcakes. - Ah, give me that!

Hey, give those back!

- Hey, what's the big idea? That's my sister, man. - So what?

So give her back those cupcakes before I knock your block off.

Don't, Bart! He's a friend of Nelson Muntz!

Ooh!

Ooh!

Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah!

Wha--

Nelson, you're bleeding.

Nah, happens all the time. Somebody else's blood splatters on me.

Hey, wait a minute.

You're right. you made me bleed my own blood!

It was an accident, man. A terrible, ghastly mistake. Ask anybody.

Uh-oh. A cold wind.

Hello, kids. Everything above the board here?

Good. Play friendly, children.

- Uh-oh, there's your bell.

Come along, now, all of you. No dawdling, now.

- I'll get you after school, man. - But--

No, no, no. He'll get you after school, son.

- Now hurry up. It's time for class. - But--

Scoot, young Simpson. There's learning afoot.

Okay, Nelson, put up your dukes!

Whaa!

Yikes! Uh-uh-uh!

Ha, ha, ha!

- Ha, ha, ha! - Oh.

Aah!

- Uh-oh. Stop! - Mmm!

Lunchtime! Ha, ha, ha!

- Lunchtime! - Aah!

Lunchtime, Bart. It's lunchtime.

I ain't gonna get out of the fourth grade alive.

You've gotta tell Principal Skinner, Bart.

I can't squeal.

It would violate the code of the schoolyard.

Hey, everybody!

Here comes my brother, Bart the bully-killer!

- Yeah! - You're our hero, Bart!

Look, eveybody. I would just as soon not make a big deal out of this.

I'm not sayin' I'm not a hero.

I'm just saying that I fear for my safety.

Look out!

Nelson, it was all a mistake.

This is how it happened, man.

Listen up. you may get a kick out of it.

My sister was making cupcakes this morning and--

I'll see you at the flagpole at 3:15.

And you better be prompt.

He has four other beatings scheduled this afternoon.

Good-bye, little dude.

- He looks so lifelike, man. - Yes.

The school nurse did a wonderful job...

- reconstructing his little face after the fight.

Good-bye, son. I guess you were right.

All that homework was a waste of your time.

Thanks, Bart. We got the day off from school for this.

- Yeah, and I got the day off from work. - Homer!

Who wants a day off from work when I'm never gonna see my beloved son again?

Oh, Bart! Oh, Bart!

That's better, Homer.

Be brave. Bye-bye, Bart.

you were always my special little guy.

Bart, here's that cupcake you wanted.

I can't help but think ifl had just given it to you in the first place,

this whole horrible tragedy could have been avoided.

I know you can't eat it now,

so I'll just place it lovingly on your forehead.

Hey, look. They got food at this thing.

- Here's one for the road, dude.

- Aah! - Put 'em up.

Oh! Boy, you sure taught me a lesson.

Whoo. Thanks, guys.

I guess now all that's left is a hearty handshake.

Right, guys?

I'm gonna get you again tomorrow, Simpson.

- Is 3:15 good for you?

Uh, not really.

Too bad.

Oh, no.

Oh, man, that guy's tough to love.

Hi, Mom. Hi, Dad.

- Tough day at school, boy? - Bart, what happened to you?

Let's just say I paid the inevitable price for helping out my sister.

So, you had a little scuffle, eh? Heh-heh.

Hope you won.

I'm gonna miss you, big guy.

Bart, your mother has the fool idea...

that you're upset about something.

Dad, I need help. Please. Oh.

Now come on, Bart.

We don't want your mother to see you cying.

- Here. - Oh, man.

Let me help you dy those tears.

So what's the problem, son?

- I had a run-in with a bully. - A bully?

Come on, Marge! I don't bug you when you're helping Lisa.

Well, Bart, I hope you're going straight to the principal about this.

I guess I could do that.

What? And violate the code of the schoolyard? I'd rather Bart died.

What on earth are you talking about, Homer?

The code of the schoolyard, Marge.

The rules that teach a boy to be a man. Let's see.

Don't tattle. Always make fun of those different from you.

Never say anything...

unless you're sure everyone feels exactly the same way you do.

- What else? - Homer, that's ridiculous.

Bart, instead of fighting, why don't you try a little understanding?

- What do you mean, Mom? - Yeah, right.

- This oughta be good for a laugh. - Shh!

This bully friend of yours, is he a little on the chunky side?

- Yeah, he's pretty chunkified, all right. - Mm-hmm.

And I'll bet he doesn't do well in his studies, either.

No, he's pretty dumb. He's in all the same special classes I am.

- That's why he lashes out at the world. - Oh, Marge.

So tomorrow, instead of bickering with this boy, talk to him.

You'll be surprised how far a little understanding will go.

Well, thank you very much, Mrs. Maharishi Gandhi.

- Let's go, boy.

Now here's that bully of yours. Show me your stuff.

No, no! Not like that! Like this!

See that, boy?

you didn't expect that, did you? And neither will he.

you mean I should fight dirty, Dad?

Unfortunately, son, we Simpsons...

sometimes have to bend the rules a little in order to hold our own.

Amen.

So the next time this bully thinks you're gonna throw a punch,

you throw a glob of mud in his eyes!

And then you sock him when he's staggerin' around blinded!

- Yeah! - And there's nothing wrong...

with hitting someone when his back is turned.

- Gotcha. - And if you get the chance,

get him right in the familyjewels.

That little doozy's been a Simpson trademark for generations.

Thanks, Pop.

- Whoa! - Put 'em up!

Ha! Ooh!

Remember the familyjewels, son.

Hmm?

Oh, no, boys. Not the can, please.

- Doh!

Bart, you can't go on like this.

I know.

- Why don't you go see Grandpa? - What can he do?

He'll give you good advice. He's the toughest Simpson alive.

- He is? - Yeah.

Remember the fight he put up when we put him in the home?

Remember the fight he put up when we put him in the home?

I'm here to see Grandpa.

Half the people here are named Grandpa.

- Well, Grandpa Simpson then.

Second floor, third dank room on the left.

Thanks, lady.

" Dear Advertisers,

I am disgusted with the way old people are depicted on television.

We are not all vibrant, fun-loving sex maniacs.

Many of us are bitter, resentful individuals...

who remember the good old days...

when entertainment was bland and inoffensive.

The following is a list of words...

I never want to hear on television again.

Number one: bra.

Number two: horny.

Number three: familyjewels."

- Hi, Grandpa! - Bart, what brings youhere?

I need some advice, Grandpa.

See, there's this bully at school who keeps beating me up.

Let me tell you somethin', boy.

If youdon't stand up foryourself,

bullies are gonna be pickin' on you for the rest of your life.

Simpson, give me your newspaper!

- Why should I? - I wanna do the crossword puzzle.

No, I want to do the crossword puzzle!

- I said, give me that puzzle. - No.

- Give me! Give me! - No! No!

Heh-heh-heh.

Well, I guess I can't help you, but I know someone who can.

- Here? - Yep, this is it.

What's the password?

- Let me in, you idiot! - Yeah, right you are.

So, Herman, has the large-type edition...

of this month's Soldier Of Fortune come in yet?

No, not yet.

- Can I interest you in some authentic Nazi underpants? - No!

Actually, we came over because I want you to meet my grandson, Bart.

Ah. Hello, young American.

Hello, sir. Uh, Mr. Herman?

- Yes?

Did you lose your arm in the war?

My arm? Well, let me put it this way.

Next time your teacher tells you to keep your arm inside the bus window, you do it!

Yes, sir, I will.

Bart's got a problem with a local young bully named Nelson.

I thought you could help him with some kind of strategy.

Strategy. Hmm. How many men do you have?

- None. - You'll need more.

And you'll need to train them hard! Now, let's see.

Ah. Okay.

The key to Springfield has always been Elm Street.

The Greeks knew it. The Carthaginians knew it. Now you know it.

First you'll need a declaration of war.

Uh, ah! That way, eveything you do will be nice and legal.

Okay, I can use this one from the Franco-Prussian War.

I'll just change "Otto von Bismarck" to read " Bart Simpson."

- Psst!

- Grandpa, I think this guy's a little nuts. - Oh, yeah?

Well, General George S. Patton was a little nuts.

And this guy is completely out of his mind.

We can't fail!

Psst! Pass it on!

So, Mister, what are we doin' here anyway?

I wonder where Bart is.

Yeah. It's way past 1500 hours.

Okay, we all know why we're here, right?

- No. Why? - To fight Nelson the bully.

That guy has been tormenting all of us for years, and I for one am sick of it.

I can't promise you victoy. I can't promise you good times.

But the one thing I do know-- Whoa, whoa!

All right! Okay! I promise you victoy! I promise you good times!

I got a " B" in arithmetic

I got a " B" in arithmetic

Would've got an "A" but I was sick

Would've got an "A" but I was sick

Aah!

We are rubber you are glue

We are rubber you are glue

It bounces off of us and sticks to you

It bounces off of us and sticks to you

- Sound off - One, two

- Sound off - Three, four

- Go!

- Go!

- What's the matter with you, soldier? - It's my nerves, sir.

I just can't stand the barking anymore.

Your nerves? I won't have cowards in my army.

- Ow! - Sory, Bart.

you can push them out of a plane,

you can march them off a cliff,

you can send 'em off to die on some godforsaken rock,

but for some reason, youcan't slap 'em.

Now apologize to that boy right now.

- Sorry, man. - It's cool.

In English class I did the best

In English class I did the best

Because I cheated on the test

Because I cheated on the test

- Sound off - One, two

- I can't hear you! - Three, four

All right, there's your enemy. Now hit him!

Hithim!

Let's go, next group. Martinez! Steinberg!

O'Hara! Chang! Olajuwon! Herman!

Die! Die!

We are happy We are merry

We are happy We are merry

We got a rhyming dictionary

We got a rhyming dictionary

- Sound off - One, two

- One more time! - Three, four

Bring it on home now!

One, two, three, four One, two, three, four

Nelson's at the Elm Street Video Arcade.

Intelligence indicates he shakes down kids for quarters at the arcade.

Then he heads to the Quick-E-Mart for a cherry Squishy.

Then that's where we'll hit him.

When he leaves the Quick-E-Mart, we start the saturation bombing.

- We got the water balloons? - Two hundred rounds, sir.

Is it okay if they say " Happy Birthday" on the side?

Well, I'd rather they say " Death From Above," but I guess we're stuck.

Okay, our main force will be split into two groups.

One will circle around this way to cut off the enemy's retreat,

the other will drive in this way, closing the trap.

- It's a classic pincers movement. It can't fail against a ten-year-old. - Heh-heh!

- Nelson's at the arcade, General. - Battle stations.

- I feel so alive! - you know,

I thought I was too old.

I thought my time had passed.

I thought I'd never hear the screams of pain...

or see the look of terror in a young man's eyes.

Thank heaven for children.

Hey, good Squishies.

- What flavor did you get? - Blue.

Hey, yout wo birds!

You're gonna be suckin' all your meals through straws if you don't shut your traps.

Well, looky here.

Little Bart Simpson.

Nelson, I'm afraid I'm gonna have to teach youa lesson.

Ha! Oh, yeah? youand what army?

This one.

Artillery,

commence saturation bombing!

Hey!

All right, you kids! Keep it down!

Am I making myself--

Heh-heh-heh! Got him!

You, up in the tree. The tall gray-haired kid.

Get your butt down here right now! Doh!

No! Please!

- Don't hurt us! - Oh, we surrender.

W-W-We were only followin' orders!

Eww! Knock it off!

I guess you learned your lesson, so now I'll untie you.

The second you untie me, I'm gonna beat you to death, man.

Well, if that's gonna be your attitude, I'm not gonna untie you.

Ha! You're gonna have to sometime.

Uh-oh. He's right.

Don't you wory. I was ready for this little eventuality.

Armistice treaty, article four.

" Nelson is never again to raise his fists in anger." Article five.

" Nelson recognizes Bart's right to exist." Article six.

"Although Nelson shall have no official power,

he shall remain a figurehead of menace in the neighborhood."

Wow. Sounds good to me. Okay, I'll sign.

- What about you, boy? - All right, I'll sign.

- Are you boys through playing war? - Yes, Mrs. Simpson.

- Good. Then here's some cupcakes. - Oh, boy!

- Cupcakes. - Mmm!

Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls,

contray to what you've just seen,

war is neither glamorous nor fun.

There are no winners. Only losers.

There are no good wars, with the following exceptions:

The American Revolution, World War I, and the Star Wars trilogy.

if you'd like to learn more about war, there's lots of books in your local libray--

many of them with cool, goy pictures.

Well, good night, eveybody. Peace, man.

- Shh!

 

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