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Wake up. Wake up. What? Mary. Would you like to marry me? Shh. Don't be so selfish, I'm sleeping. it's bad. Right. That went very well. Wake up. What? Wake up. Come and have a chat. Why? I've got something important to ask you. Can't it wait till morning? Not really. But I'm so comfy. I was having the loveliest dream. What is it? Why is there music on? ?t's got something to do with what I want to ask you. Wait a minute. Romantic music. Guy with important question. Are you on your knees? On his knees. Were you so bored in the play you decided to ask me to marry you afterwards? Something like that. Yeah. Exactly that. In fact, will you marry me? Any thoughts on the answer? ?'Yes??' ?'No??' ?'Get out of my life, loser.?' They're all possible. I think I'll go for ?'yes.?' Thank you for asking me. And thank you for not going for one of those melodramatic proposals with lots of people around. I hate other people. Me, too. Yeah. I'm just gonna turn off the radio. Okay. Good idea. Thanks, guys. Sorry, she's a bit tired. But we really appreciate it. Can you go? Wow! That's so beautiful. I don't think we'll be staying in the same room, somehow. Really? ?f they offer you tea, just say no. Hello. Mum, this is Mary. Mary! Hi. Good Lord, you're pretty. No, it's just I've got a lot of mascara and lipstick on. Let's have a look. Yes. Good. ?t's very bad for a girl to be too pretty. ?t stops her developing a sense of humour. Or a personality. Tea? I'd love a cup of tea. Christ, that's the whole day gone. She's a very special guest. Cup without the crack. Skipping stones. They've been doing this since he was about this high. And what are your faults? I mean, little weaknesses. I... Well, I'm very insecure. Sweet. Okay. I've a very bad temper sometimes. Crucial. How else are you gonna get a fella to do what you want? And, of course, I have... I have a weakness for your son. So do I. But best not to tell him. Don't want him getting cocky. Pow! I'm so good without the ball. Pow! What do you think of her? I like her more than you already. Look, I'd forgotten this. Jimmy Fontana Il Mondo. Greatest record ever recorded by an ltalian who looks like he's got a dead badger on his head. And you've got the album. Yes! Check out those specs! Come on, on with the game! Right. And what an extraordinary game this is. For the first time a father and son are playing each other in the World Table Tennis Final and neither of them are Chinese. Tremendous play from the old World Champion and his son, the first openly ginger British table tennis player but there are signs the youngster's beginning to crack. There are tears in his eyes. There are not! There soon will be! Hey. Hey! I didn't know you were here. Yeah. I just popped down for a while. Okay. What about the job? So how long have you been here? Couple of weeks. Gosh! So, life in London... Horrid. Okay. Is Mary here? Yes. Where? Downstairs. You be gentle. Be gentle! Careful! Yeah, nice to see you, too. I'm trying to make a good impression... Yeah, you make a good impression. Right, sorry. Sorry. I've got an important announcement to make. Exciting. We've decided, after a little bit of thought, to get married. That's wonderful news. Who are you getting married to? To Mary. Over there. Thank God for that. Jolly embarrassing if it had been another girl. imagine that. We're so pleased. No, sorry. Yeah. By the way, the wedding will be quite soon because we're having a baby, too. You're pregnant? Yes. Who's the father? Well, Tim, I hope. Thank God for that. Jolly awkward if it had been another fellow. We have to decide tonight. What? Everything. The only thing you've decided about our wedding is that I'm coming down the aisle to the sound of some ltalian weirdo singing a song called Il Mondo. Excellent song. To which I've said a definitive ?'no.?' So here's the deal. I will take off one item of clothing for every decision you make. Okay. You have my attention, young lady. Right, um, where would you like to get married? Home. I'd hate anywhere else. Okay. My God. Good. Who should the priest be? ?t'll have to be the local bloke with yellow teeth and the massive unibrow. Okay. That's a lock for Hagrid. Um... Best Man? Damn. Best Man. Now. No, this is so hard. It's lose-lose you know You piss off all the ones you don't pick, and you end up hating the one you do pick because he makes a bad speech and ruins the day. Do you wanna see these puppies or not? Yes, I do. Jay. it's your choice. He's my best friend, but he's a moron. Yeah, he will mess up everything. Rory. Sure? No, Harry. Harry it is. Let's do this. Rory. Sorry. What? That's such a cheat. Okay, fine. Honeymoon? Bed and breakfast in Scotland. I am not taking my pants off for Scotland. But it's all we can afford. Take off your pants. I will not. Take off your pants! I want two weeks in Bali! Take off those pants! Have you planned a break? No. No! Is that you? ?t wasn't me. ?t's for you. No, I'm caught! I've got it. I've got it! Help me! Yes! Right, follow me! My gosh! My God! God! it's a joke! Here. Yes, come on. This way. My God! Hello, I'm Rory. When Tim asked me to be his Best Man, I was terrified. So I thought best thing is to find a book about speeches. And here it is. And it says think of really funny anecdotes. And there is a very hilarious story, actually from work. ?t was quite a complicated case based on an issue of cross-amortisation of ownership of post-divorce properties and, um... Let me just explain the context. The Defendant... When Tim asked me to do his Best Man speech, my immediate reaction was, ?'How much are you gonna pay me, you little shit? ?'l don't write for free, you know.?' These were the girls available to him at that time. ?'Hello, girls.?' And this is how far he got with each of them. Let me explain the code. 5, blow job. 8, full penetrative... and so a toast to the man with the worst haircut but the best bride in the room. Ladies and gentlemen, Tim and Mary. Tim and Mary. That's us. I wish I'd said ?'l love you.?' You did, Dad. ?t was implied. I'm not sure ?'implied?' is good enough for a wedding day, are you? No, don't do it, it's fine. I'm so happy with it as it was. You really don't have to. I'll do what I wanna do, young man. Will you excuse me for just one moment? later on I may tell you about Tim's many failings as a man and as a table tennis player. But, important first to say the one big thing, I've only loved three men in my life. My dad was a frosty bugger so that only leaves dear Uncle Desmond, B. B. King, obviously, and this young man here. I'd only give one piece of advice to anyone marrying. We're all quite similar in the end. We all get old and tell the same tales too many times. But try and marry someone kind. And this is a kind man with a good heart. I'm not particularly proud of many things in my life, but I am very proud to be the father of my son. I'm so sorry to disturb you, but I wonder if I could have your autograph. No. No. I'm at a wedding, for God's sake. I'm here to celebrate true love not scribble my illegible signature on stupid bits of paper that you can flog on eBay so that at the next wedding you can wear a less hideous hat. I see you've met my Aunt May. God. People should wear name tags. You next, Kittle Kattle. I don't know, Uncle D. Boys aren't very nice. Aren't they, darling? Not in my experience. They're always taking liberties, not giving much back in return. ?t's yummy. Yeah? I like the way you say 'yummy.' Do you wish we'd picked another less wet day? No. Not for the world. And so it begins. Lots and lots of types of days. Fun! Posy. Posy she is. The most beautiful girl in the world. You want your daddy. Yes, I know. Yeah. No one can ever prepare you for what happens when you have a child. When you see the baby in your arms and you know that it's your job now. No one can prepare you for the love and the fear. She's lovely. You were such an ugly baby. More chimpanzee than child. I remember the first time I saw you, I thanked God we were in driving distance of London Zoo. Come on, hand over the little bugger, let's see if she bounces. Yeah, she definitely will bounce. Look. She can do anything. Look. Hello. Sweetheart. No one can prepare you for the love people you love can feel for them. And nothing can prepare you for the indifference of friends who don't have babies. Do you wanna go to Uncle Jay? No, thanks, it's fine. It's great. And it's a shock how quickly you have to move to a new place you completely can't afford. Look what we found. Look who it is! Honey! Sorry. Suddenly, time travel seems almost unnecessary, because every detail of life is so delightful. What's his name? Horace, I think. Of course it is. Only one important thing for a godfather, I'm told, never bring a present smaller than the child. Shut up, you smug bastard. Don't worry, I didn't bring anything at all. She'll never know. Hasn't got a brain yet. I didn't expect to see you here, Harry. Children's party's not exactly your style. No, Mary, I was tricked. I was told there would be free booze. I hate kids, as you know. Where's Kit Kat, by the way? I don't know, she said she'd be here around 3:00. And you know we got purple cupcakes for her especially. Here she is! Speak of the devil, that will be her. We'll wait till Aunty Kit Kat gets here. Hey. Jimmy. Where's my sister? Thought she was here. No, she hasn't arrived. That's not good. What does that mean? Um... We had an argument this morning. Over nothing, but she'd been drinking, so... And then she ran out to get the car to come here and I told her to meet me here so... There's a song by Baz Luhrmann called Sunscreen. He says worrying about the future is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubble gum. The real troubles in your life will always be things that never crossed your worried mind. What happened? We had a fight. And, maybe I wasn't completely sober. How is she? Not good. When did she leave you? From where? I want it exact. Exact time. Exact address. Here we are. Sorry, sorry. Come on. God. Hi. There she is. Does a small baby live here? Yes, and she's so excited. She's downstairs. Happy birthday, Posy. I'm sorry. I had to pick up Kit Kat. I thought she was gonna drive herself. Turns out she couldn't. She okay? Later. I'm worried about Kit Kat. Yeah. I know. She was drinking wine while we were drinking tea. And Jimmy wasn't nice to her. And she spurned the purple cupcakes. We have to do something to fix it. Yeah. But, you know, if it's gonna be fixed, I think she probably has to do it herself. Maybe. Maybe not. My darling. What's happened? You're the best person in the world. You're top equal with my wife. I don't get it. Maybe, just maybe, I'm the faller. Every family has, like, someone who falls, who doesn't make the grade, who stumbles, who life trips up. Maybe I'm our faller. No. Okay. I'm gonna tell you a secret. And you have to promise to keep it. We've always kept secrets. We have? You promise you won't ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever tell? Yes. I can travel in time. Why are we standing in the cupboard under the stairs? Because we're gonna go back in time and you're gonna do some things differently. I love it when you're funny. Grab my hand. Close your eyes. My God! My God! My arsing God in a box. You're kidding? I can go anywhere in time and you bring me back to the worst party of all time. 'Fraid so. Let's go. We've got work to do. What work? Making sure you do not meet Jimmy Kincade. Quick, in here. But he's about to fall in love with me! Not this time he isn't. Who's the pretty looking girl? It's Jennifer, isn't it? Yeah. Wild! I like your skirt, Jennifer. Thank you. Right, I get it. ?f he hadn't met me, he would have just had sex with someone else. Nip it in the bud? Excuse me, Jimmy. Sorry. Do I know you? Yeah, you do. Very well. Sorry. And this is what I should have done right at the start. Happy New Year, everybody. Happy New Year. And back to the cupboard. Amazing! What happens now? God knows. What I'm hoping is that from this moment on you avoid the sleazy bad guys because they're sleazy and bad. When did you get so serious? Since it occurred to me that I might lose you. Brace yourself, this could be weird. Things will have changed. My God. What? Jay. Jay Jay? Yes. And he's adorable. My God. Right, let's do this. Come on, you two. Mum's just cracked open a packet of biscuits. I've got something in mind for you. I know what you're gonna say. Have a biscuit and come and help me. But leave the rest for Uncle D. ?t's just tidying really. You all right? I missed you. Yeah. Your mum wants me to do some gardening. Okay. it's tidying up, it's all a bit out of control. Anything that looks dead, out. This is what we're looking for. Okay? All this. Dead stuff. See this. They've torn them to shreds, haven't they? How did everything go? Immensely satisfactory. I'm so happy. I wanna hear all about it. Will you do dinner for us because there's something I have to do before 6:00 or I'll get fired? Yeah. I can't think of anything I'd love to do more. Okay, where is the most fabulous person in the world? Come to your dad and get mashed up food shoved into your mouth! Hello there, little boy. You just wait there and I'll be back in a minute. Dad, can I have a quick word? Yeah. Sure. I can't go back past the birth again, can I? No. I should have mentioned that. You're okay till it comes out but the exact sperm at the exact moment got you this particular baby, so if you do anything the tiniest bit different, you'll have a different child. So, every day up 'til yesterday is as it will always be? Lost? Just like for everyone else. Okay. interesting. Tough. I love you, Dad. I've gotta go. No. We're not leaving this room until we find a way of making sure this never happens again. Will you go now? I have to leave Jimmy, don't I? For good. And I have to stop drinking. And stop leaving jobs. And I have to go out with someone nice and boring. Yay. And, you know, nice isn't necessarily boring. Like who? Matt Damon? Okay. I'll go out with Matt Damon. Tell me, have you seen Jay recently? Your Jay? What, sticky-up hair Jay? Looks a bit like a muppet Jay? Yes. He just popped into my head. He's always had a crush on you. Really? Yeah. Weird! Thinking of asking him to dinner. Are you free? Might be. Might have to freshen up a bit first. Yeah. You look shit. Joanna. Thank Christ you're back. ?t's been a total nightmare. I know. it's all fine anyway. Where is she? it was the single worst night of my life. Where's Posy? There she is! Hello! Hello! Hello. Darling, how are you doing? Let's have another one. Screw that. No. That hurt and I got fat. Like fat-fat. Got a little bit fat, didn't she. Tell Mummy you want a sister. No. Tell Daddy you're happy being an only child. Fortunately we are young and careless and it wasn't long before there were four of us. And this is incredible. Posy Lake, only 3 years old, is about to break the women's 10 metre Olympic record. They're gonna do it. And here they are, they've done it! Fantastic. That was brilliant. You're so good. Sleeping right through all that. Can you help me? I'm so nervous. What do I wear for dinner with our bestselling author? Let me finish up with the monsters and I'll come right up. Great. Thank you. Go again. Okay. How about this? That's gorgeous. Job done. Yeah. No. Take it seriously. it's... I don't know. No, I hate it. Yeah. it's boring and makes me look kind of lumpy. No, you're right. it is boring and lumpy. I hate it. Okay. What about this? Gorgeous. We did it. No, it's too breasty. Is it? Okay. ?t's not too breasty. No. I'm not wearing these heels. I look like a prostitute. Not high heels, then. But then we have the short legs problem. Well, do you want to look like a prostitute or a dwarf? Warning. That's a warning. Yes! No. No! Now that I like. No, I'm just picking up the dress that this goes under. Such a bad boy. This one? Not bad. Or this one? ?t's a trick question, isn't it? Same dress. No! No? Okay. I don't think this one's too bad. Yeah, it's fabulous. Really? Yeah. Okay. Great. Good. Um... How about the blue one? The blue one? Yeah. The first one that you tried on that was boring and lumpy, but that wasn't actually boring and lumpy, that one? Yeah, which do you prefer? I don't know. I'm actually starting to go mad. I think I like the blue one. Okay. Yeah. Okay. Okay, let's go with this one, then? You look amazing. Really? Yes. Okay, thanks. God. Where's Posy? I left her downstairs. Not leaving the door open to the room with the manuscript in it? I don't think so. Look at me. Look me in And talk me through this. Basically my life is over. I really need to go out for just like two minutes, maybe one. Don't you dare! Don't you dare answer that! What am I gonna do? I think that we should really answer the phone. ?f you answer the goddamn phone, I will kill you with the phone. I won't answer the phone, but I do need to get out. No, no getting out, no getting out. No. Okay, right. Sorry, Mr McEwan. We read most of your book but, you see, the rest of it was coloured on or shredded. Yeah. I had no idea Posy actually knew how to use that machine. In a way that's impressive. What is it? How can I help you? Mary. No, everything... Sorry. Your son will explain. ?t's your mother. Hi, Mum. No, no, it's okay. We'll... We'll come straight down. Okay, bye. Hello, darling. Mum. How are you? Honestly? Why not? I am fucking furious. I am so uninterested in a life without your father. Mary. Come on, let's make some tea. How are you? Yeah, I'm fine. Did you eat? Yes, of course. Desmond. How are you? I'm very well, thanks. Though a little hot. Your father, I think, is not so well. Cancer. Yes. I'm very unhappy about it, Tim. At your wedding he said he loved me. He does. I know. That was the best day of my life. So this is probably the worst. Dad. For God's sake. Not you, too. What? Well, Kit Kat's just rolled up blubbing her eyes out and now you're here. What's Mum been saying? The truth. Yeah, well, apart from that? ?t may have been the smoking but I couldn't undo that as it was before you were all born. And anyway, your mother definitely wouldn't have gone out with me if I hadn't been such a sexy smoker. I did get diagnosed as soon as possible, but it was too late. How long have we got? You know, it, it could be years. How long really? Weeks, I'm afraid. Have we had this conversation before? Yeah. What happened? I rather let myself down. I hugged you. Sorry. I think I just thought with the time thing... No, I never said we could fix things. I specifically never said that. Life's a mixed bag, no matter who you are. Look at Jesus. He was the Son of God, for God's sake, and look how that turned out. I know, but you must see I feel a bit cheated. Don't. In fact, feel the opposite. The only people who give up work at 50 are the time travellers with cancer who want to play more table tennis with their sons. Right. So that's been the deal? I'm sorry we had to call. It's suddenly got very bad. And I have something very important to tell you. Or, let me check, do you want to know the big secret, or would you rather find it out for yourself like I did? Christ, there's another secret? Less dramatic. Much more important. The real mothership. No, go on. Tell me. Let's save some time. And so he told me his secret formula for happiness. Part one of the two part plan was that I should just get on with ordinary life, living it day by day, like anyone else. This is our current statement with a revised paragraph there, highlighted. Rupert. Rupert, is that the best you can do? No. Absolutely not. We can change that. ltem number two. Good afternoon, sir. Are you eating in or taking away today? Take away, please. Yeah? No problem. Lovely, that's 4.24 then, please, sir. Thank you kindly. Lovely. And there's your change, sir. 76 pence change. Thanks. Thank you. Hello there. Are you eating in or taking away? Do you find the Defendant, John Welbeck, guilty or not guilty of fraud? Not guilty. And that is the verdict of you all? Yes. Thank you. You may be seated. Thank God. Let the Defendant be discharged. Be upstanding in court. Lights out? Yeah. Tough day. But then came part two of Dad's plan. He told me to live every day again almost exactly the same. The first time with all the tensions and worries that stop us noticing how sweet the world can be, but the second time noticing. Okay, Dad. Let's give it a go. What's our statement at the moment? This is it with the revised... Robert, this does not pass. Is this the best you can do? I'll leave you two to thrash this out. Ooh. Good afternoon, sir. Good afternoon. Are you eating in or taking away today? Take away, please. Would you like a bag? That's fine. Lovely. That's 6.23 then, please. And enjoy the rest of your day. Thank you. Bye-bye. Hello, there. Look around you! What? ?sn't this room beautiful? Yeah. Come on. Not guilty. Fantastic! So not such a bad day after all? No. it was pretty good really. Very good day, actually, as it turns out. Well, that's a relief, because if it had been a very bad day, I thought I might have had to have had sex with you to make up for it. Goodnight. ?t was a very, very bad day. ?t went very, very badly. I got fired from my job. And then I killed a man. That is a very bad day. ?t's terrible. Yeah. Like the worst day ever. So sorry. Some days, of course, though, you only want to go through once. You okay? Right, are we ready for this? 'Course we're not. Hateful day. Just give me one minute. This is so brilliant. Dickens is so good on actual jokes, actual gags. Where have you come from? ?t's the... Okay. Big day. Thanks for dropping in. How's Uncle Desmond's suit? ?mmaculate. Excellent. Did I mention I wanted the Nick Cave track? ?t's taken care of. Thank you. Can I just read you this one bit? Read away, I've got lots of time. ?'l think the Romans must have aggravated ?'one another very much with their noses. ?'Perhaps they became the restless people they were in consequence. ?'Anyhow, Mr Wopsle's Roman nose so aggravated me...?' What do you think about the kids? What about them? Not many of them, are there? What? Well, I mean two? ?t's more than the Chinese are allowed. I just thought that maybe, you know, it was time for the insurance baby. What? In case one of them is really smart, we don't want the other one to feel stupid their whole life. And if we had a third one, then we could have two happy dummies. What do you think? It was the toughest decision of my life. Saying 'yes' to the future meant saying 'goodbye' to my dad. Forever. Why don't we wait a bit? Absolutely. You're right. Yeah. How about now? Or now? Now? Yeah, okay. Really? Dad always wished there had been more of us. So... Anyway, we might try and nothing happens. Exactly. Really could be tonight. And you cannot believe the detail in which I know the route to the hospital. Yay. Will you excuse me for a sec? Just have to go downstairs. and it's 17-20 in this incredibly tight contest being played by the two most physically perfect players in the history of the game. The crowd, enchanted by the younger player, are seduced by memories of the older player's illustrious past. My God, I've won. I haven't won in years. You finally got good. What's my prize? Apart from the Olympic gold medal, of course. A kiss will have to do. A kiss? I get you. This is it, then? This is it. ?t's my last bit of extra time. The baby is completely on the way. Congratulations. My son. My dad. Is there anything at all I can do? Is there anything you want to do? I don't know. There is this one thing. A quick little walk. Totally against the rules, of course, but if we don't change a thing, if we're very careful, it shouldn't do any harm. ?t would be nice. I'm really trying. I'm really trying. Get down low. Total defeat. I'm tired. Thanks, Dad. So I'm almost up-to-date with my story. As all families do, we got used to life after death. And it was still fine. And things settled back into their traditional rhythms season after season, and are much as they have always been. And we've got used to Kit Kat being happy again. And then we got used to her being a mum. Albeit not a very good or even safe one. And in the end, I think I've learned the final lesson from my travels in time. And I've even gone one step further than my father did. Okay, I'll do the kids. No, don't worry. I'll do them. Yeah, you do them, you lazy bum. The truth is, I now don't travel back at all. Not even for the day. I just try to live every day as if I've deliberately come back to this one day to enjoy it as if it was the full final day of my extraordinary, ordinary life. Hello, you're down already. That's great. Thank you so much for that. And in we go. Posy? Posy! That's fine. We're all travelling through time together every day of our lives. All we can do is do our best to relish this remarkable ride. Yes, yes, yes... Okay, I'll see you then. Bye-bye. See you later.
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