David Weitzner Ph.D.
Managing with Meaning
MINDFULNESS
Bringing Mindfulness to Difficult Conversations
The best we can hope for is the ability to justify our actions to others.
Posted January 4, 2024
Reviewed by Ray Parker
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KEY POINTS
You can handle difficult conversations mindfully with an awareness of your motivations.
Sometimes, we only fully understand the motivations behind our actions when we explain ourselves to others.
Be mindful of your language and choose vocabulary that resonates with others.
The best way to approach difficult conversations is to frame the experience as a need to tell better stories.
Alycia Fung/Pexels
Source: Alycia Fung/Pexels
As we've explored in this space before, mindfulness is best conceived as a variety of cognitive processes.
Mindfulness could manifest as a personality trait strongly associated with being aware, flexible, and generally relaxed.
Mindfulness could also be seen not as a trait but as a spiritual exercise designed to cultivate well-being.
Whatever the label, an emphasis on attention, united with an awareness of that attention, is at the heart of being mindful.
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We are in a period where leaders, managers, teachers, and parents are being tasked with difficult conversations as core cultural values are being questioned and challenged.
Engaging in this process of affirming what matters mindfully can increase the likelihood of achieving goal-oriented outcomes like improved harm reduction and an increased sense of social solidarity.
Whose Words Are We Using?
Suppose we are not mindful in these conversations.
In that case, it's easy to slip into the mode of rote repetition, reciting talking points we've encountered on social media or elsewhere and not wrestling with what we actually want to say.
In fact, research shows that sometimes, we only come to fully understand the motivations behind our own actions when we are called to explain ourselves to others.
So, there is great value, both for ourselves and those we are interacting with, in being mindful of our chosen words.
On this point, the philosopher Richard Rorty offers the helpful prescription never to use the language of those we disagree with to convince them of our point of view.
The only hope we have for expanding the sympathies of others is by being authentic and explaining ourselves transparently, not trying to reconfigure or retool somebody else's argument for our purposes.
The challenge is to be fully aware and attentive to what is true to you and not be afraid of becoming vulnerable in that moment.
Words Build Worlds
With every unique moral vocabulary, a new social world gets built.
Our language choices help us to make sense of the environment we find ourselves in.
When we limit the way we describe things to some externally provided lexicon, we are hampering the possibilities of our own growth and success.
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That's why, for example, in the business world, there has been a welcomed push to get beyond the ready availability of opportunistic language.
At the same time, we need to be mindful of not substituting one limiting frame for another, even if the substitute is presented as ostensibly more prosocial.
There is power in the language of self-interest.
People often account for even altruistic acts using instrumental language to justify their behaviour.
Researchers have shown that if we call an interaction a "Wall Street Game," people will compete, but if we call the same game with the same rules and the same explanation a "Community Game," they will cooperate.
Tell Better Stories
We need to be mindful that our ability to justify our actions to those around us is the best we can hope for.
Flexibility will emerge when we ease up on the hope that an appeal to "justice" or "truth" will unlock some magic mind shift in those we disagree with. It won't.
So, we need to choose a vocabulary to express our hopes and ideas in a way that resonates with other unique individuals in our shared world.
THE BASICS
What Is Mindfulness?
Find a mindfulness-based therapist
At the end of the day, the best way to approach difficult conversations is by framing the experience as a need to tell better stories.
Mindfully craft stories that inspire better cooperation reduce harm, widen sympathies, and create more value, which is not zero-sum.
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