저출산대책_ 초고

[UNGP]

  "Is South Korea dissapearing?" A recent headline from The NewYork Times was provoking. The column pointed out that South Korea's birth rate is the lowest in the world, and this poses a great threat to the country. Every South Korean administration has poured effort into boosting the country's birth rate, but now it is facing dire consequences. The administrations have been focusing on programs, including doling out cash when parents have more than one child. All these efforts have failed, however, as the country's total birth rate ends up with 0.7 babies per woman in 2023. This is the lowest rate among OECD countries. 

 And it seems that Mr.Yoon, president of South Korea, is makig a seismic shift to the old policies that are meant to boost birth rates. The administration has recently announced two important policies. First, it is going to allow more foreign labors to work in the country. This increased slots of visas could solve many problems facing the country, including lack of blue-collar jobs in certain areas. This has been a problem because it is difficult to find young people in working-age in cities out of Greater Seoul. Second, it will invest in building a better English education system in public schools. At first glance, it seems that the policy has nothing to do with coping with the problems facing the nation. A close look, however, reveals that now the government is preparing for multicultural society.

 Close look at recent reports from the government let us know that it has started to acknowledge the fact that it is too late to turn the tide. This is the reason that the incumbent government is increasing the number of visas for foreign workers and trying to build a better English education system, which is imperative for multinational society.

 Being not obessed with the fantasy of homogeneity would be a breakthrough for South Korea to cope with its lowest birth rate in the world. Over the last 20 years, the five South Korean administration spent trillions of the Korean won to boost birth rates, and all the efforts have miserably failed. The country should have new perspectives and that's exactly what the current administration is pursuing. The fantasy of "Korea with homogeneity" is a misguided idea. If South Korea keeps being obessed with the idea, turning the tide wouldn't be easy. The country should keep doing what it's trying to do : Change toward multicultural society. 

[우지원]

색다른 주장이라 흥미로웠습니다. 두 개의 정책을 언급해주셨는데 조금 더 자세히 설명해줘도 좋을 것 같습니다

[송정현]

깔끔하게 잘 쓰신 글 같습니다. 이민 정책에 포커스를 맞춰서 흥미로웠습니다. 두 정책을 조금 더 설명을 가미하면 적당한 길이의 에세이가 될 것 같습니다

[조혜윤]

저출산 주제가 광범위할 수 있는데 '이민정책-다문화 중요성' 논지 하나로 끌고가셔서 좋았습니다. 각 문단 처음 문장이 두괄식이여서 글의 명료함을 더하는 것 같습니다.

2문단과 3문단의 논리가 반복되는 듯 하여, 분리를 하면 좋겠다는 생각을 했는데요. 2문단은 이민노동 포커스 + 3문단은 다문화 교육 이런식으로 전개하는 건 어떨까요?