hello my moonlight kevin ♡
I want to say sorry because this letter is going to get very sad and emotional but I need somewhere to pour out everything I’m thinking and feeling right now and I feel most comfortable writing this to you
I know as an idol it’s not your job to listen to or carry any of my burdens so if you want to ignore this you can it’s just for me to be able to spew out everything going on in my head right now and put it out there
I was mid doing some art in my room because today I was feeling a little more energised and motivated which was nice but then I got a video call from the two directors I’m working with to make our show
basically the union at our university have banned all in-person contact for societies for the entirety of summer term which means we’ve had to cancel our show
the two directors are good friends of mine and such wonderful people and my heart breaks for them not being able to create something they both held so dear to them
and also my heart breaks for myself because this was the first time anyone believed in me and gave me a chance to be production manager and I was looking forward to showing what I can do and helping all of their ideas come to life
we’d already been video calling with our cast members and they are angels, 5/6 of them I didn’t know before this so it’s a shame I won’t get to know them and work alongside them, and the other was a close friend of mine who I’m gutted I’m missing the opportunity to create something with
it’s a hard pill to swallow because this is one of my favourite plays of all time and the fact I won’t get to make it happen is just totally devastating
and on top of that getting this call and being told that also meant I know the same thing is happening to our musical theatre society, meaning I can’t perform in our summer showcase with them
this one possibly hurts even more because I’m constantly overlooked and have only been cast once because unfortunately the way these societies work is through cliques
but this time I managed to get in and even have solos in the show and it was such a confidence boost after having it knocked so many times
it’s a shame that after 3 years I don’t believe in my talents anymore, and finally I have a reason to and now that has been taken away
right now it feels like nothing is going right and everything is just bleak and sad
I know that feeling won’t last forever but it’s hard to see any light at the end of the tunnel right now
what little motivation I had left is gone and all I want to do is lay in my bed for months on end and do absolutely nothing, I don’t even feel like eating or showering, existing is hard work
I still have one thing to strive towards though: hopefully I will still get to go on my holiday to Seoul with my best friends end of September and maybe even get to reunite with you and the boyz, but even that is uncertain now so we’ll have to wait and see
but I’m choosing to act as if that will still be happening because without it I genuinely have nothing else good going on for the rest of the year and that’s a sad thought and if I have to face that reality I do think I actually won’t be able to pull myself out of bed
I don’t even know what to do with myself now but I’ll have to really push myself and come out the other side of this, I can do it even it it doesn’t feel like I can currently
one thing I can always rely on is having you and your music to try and ease some of the pain, so thank you
that’s pretty much everything because I don’t know how else to put this into words, sorry again that I’m writing all of this here but I have a problem with opening up to people in real life I find it very difficult so I feel like I have no one to talk to about this as I don’t want to be vulnerable (that’s something I need to work on)
I hope you’re having a nice day, also if you want to post something that would be much appreciated right now
love you always,
Sofia