|
You’re all joking, right? With this universal outrage over Amy (Tiger Mom) Chua and her triple-harsh parenting style?
You’re deploring all those pearls of parenting wisdom Chua has spilled in her book Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother. Gems like no TV, play dates or sleepovers, hours of music practice every day (even on vacation), and once rejecting a handmade birthday card because her four-year-old hadn’t put enough thought and effort into it.
Give yourself a shake. You probably aren’t that different.
Call unrelenting sternness the dirty work of Asian-style parenting. (You might as well. The Internet’s abuzz.) But what’s the fatal defect in so-called western parenting? Trying to be your kid’s friend.
Tiger mom says, "I only show love if you make straight As and perfect your violin piece." Western parents gush, "You’re so awesome, little dude, I will bend myself into a pretzel to make sure I don’t do anything that screws up your enjoyment of the day."
They’re both dictatorships. It’s just that one’s got the mom calling the shots and the other’s got the kid. And I’m not sure which one’s more terrifying.
I know this, though: I like Tiger mom’s chutzpah. I like that she has the temerity to believe her way is the right way — nay, the only way — to raise successful kids. And that she has the lunacy to believe — and this is one of the most enjoyable bits of the tiger mom story — that her younger daughter is "rebellious" because she quit violin to become a tennis star. Bwahaha! That’s rebellion? No, silly, that’s entertainment!
Tiger mom parenting is appealing, no doubt about it. That’s because parenting by decree is the easiest kind of child-rearing. No explaining, no apologizing, no wavering, no flip-flopping, no reassessing, no reassuring. The whole thing is my-way-or-the-highway, like-it-or-lump-it simple.
Being your kid’s best friend is just the same, only the despot is shorter and prone to tantrums. It’s painless enough to give in — the kid’s happy and the parent’s a hero. Easy.
Tiger parenting or the best friend version? Take your pick. They both go beyond uncomplicated — they’re plain old lazy. One’s a blanket abuse of power, the other’s a complete abdication.
Tiger mom and buddy mom. (Wait — can we agree on an animal term for this? An animal that does anything to please, anything that’s commanded of it, an animal that prostrates itself to the will of its leader. How about dog mother? Yes. Dog mother. Child’s best friend.
Now where were we?)
Tiger mom and dog mom never have to bother sorting anything out. They never have to deal with those deeply complex parent-child relationships.
And that is one messy business — respecting your kids’ wishes and concerns and tempering them with the will of others and the greater good of your family. Tigers and dogs don’t go to the trouble.
Tiger mom always says no; dog mom always says yes. The middle parents, the ones who actually, you know, parent, have to do the work of choosing between yes and no and explaining why. It’s a friggin’ slog, frankly. If you want an idea why Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother is sitting fifth on the New York Times’ bestsellers list, here’s a clue: it’s child-rearing without contemplation.
But it’s also child rearing without relationship, and child-rearing devoid of anything in the way of meaningful human exchange.
Amy Chua, at least, knows that her style of raising kids isn’t going to win her many (any?) fans. She defends it, even in its unpopularity. Dog mothers? They cleave blindly to being their kids’ pals and demonize Chua, setting themselves up as the compassionate opposite of the barbaric tiger mom.
Hey, remember I said I’m not sure which kind of parenting’s more terrifying? I think I just figured it out.