just yesterday I was thinking about the hiatus you took at the start of 2020. it was scary then, trying to conceive the idea of you not being physically present when I had always counted on that.
I found you in 2017, and with a force that's inevitable, beautifully so, loving you has been all that I've known. your glowing aura, pretty voice, beautiful face, and shining spirit, are all I ever think about.
I'm trying to remember how I felt then, in 2020. worried for your health and wellbeing. concerned about time, and what will change between now and this hypothetical "then." upset, probably, because at this given intersection, things feel a little unfair. for me, sure, but more importantly, for you.
you'll be enlisting soon, and the day of the announcement is not the time for me to find a silver lining. you are my home, jooheon; the first and strongest link I have to monsta x and all the joy and happiness and delight that has colored my life, and any time away from you will be burdensome. heavy, like rocks on one's chest, as if gravity has shifted and increased to pull down. down. down...
so that's where I am right now. somewhere down, beneath the person I was just yesterday, thinking that there would be more warnings, more time, before this. beneath the mountains of love I have molded and made a home of, just for you. always for you.
so maybe that's it. not the silver lining, not really, but something else. to sit beside devastation like a well-known friend is to be reminded of you; to fear separation and long miles of time is to recall that there's an conclusion, that sadness and tears and this deep ache are temporary just as your absence will be.
so I will wait. patiently, impatiently, with tears cooling my cheeks, or gratitude tinting my gaze. I will wait for you, like I did in 2020, like I do in anticipation of an upcoming show, or new music, and while I wait, I will be grateful that I have someone to do that for. I will find something sweet and comforting in knowing that it hurts this bad and feels this heavy because I love you so much.
I love you the most.
and I hope that love is a comfort to you now, as you need it. and when you are away, I will make use of my time building you more mountains.