NBC Tonight Show with Jay Leno 0416

TV Channel 3 Thu Apr 17 08:19:04 2003 ] ] ] [ cheers and applause ] >> jay: What's up? What's going on? [ Cheers and applause ] what's up? Hey, everybody! [ Cheers and applause ] welcome! Welcome to "the tonight show." Well, los like the war is over. That's a good sign. Yeah. [ Cheers and applause ] according to the latest poll, just out today, 71% of the american people approve of president bush. [ Cheers ] well, bush is very, very happy. Well, of course he's happy. It only took 49% of the vote to win the election. This gives him a tremendous cushion, you see. Well, now that the war in iraq is over, a lot of people want president bush to focus on the economy. You know who really wants bush to focus on the economy? Syria. Yeah, syria. [ Laughter ] well, see, i'll tell you something. A lot of people are afraid they're going to go to war with syria. Syria is not iraq, okay? It is less dangerous. It's less of an enemy. It has less of an army. And it has less oil. [ Applause ] but today -- yeah. American officials have accused syria of possessing chemical weapons. And today, hans blix, U.N.'S inspector, he offered to spend the next three months not finding any of their chemical weapons, too. [ Laughter and applause ] anyway. What else happened? Oh, here you go. Today, the iraqis sat down for talks on how to put together a post-war government. They would have sat down yesterday, but somebody stole all the couches. [ Laughter ] so they basically just had to kind of stand around and mingle, really. Well, you know, now there are reports from baghdad that officials are taking bribes for favors, they're giving jobs to their relatives, they're taking money under the table from contractors. Do you know what that means? This war is less than a week old, already they have an american-style democracy. They're beginning to understand how things are done. How it works. [ Applause ] in fact, today the first unemployment office opened in downtown baghdad. Look who the first people in line were. Look, see, it's all the look alikes. [ Laughter ] they're all out of work. There's hundreds of 'em. [ Applause ] >> kevin: Why is he digging in his butt? >> Jay: What's that? >> Kevin: Why is the first one digging in his butt? >> Jay: I don't know. Only you would notice that. [ Laughter ] >> kevin: What is that? >> Jay: I think he's wearing a thong. Well, actually, experts say they won't be able to establish a full western-style democracy in iraq for quite awhile because it's a cultural thing. See, it has to be gradual. They got to start off by letting them vote on easy stuff first like "american idol." Start with that. Then you give them the people's choice awards. You build up. You can't jump into it. It's like a joke. You have to take your time. And I guess you know all of iraq's oil fields are now under U.S. Control, which is kind of ironic since all the gas stations here are run by middle easterners. So you have that balance. [ Applause ] oh, I love this. I love this. French president jacques chirac called president bush yesterday for the first time in two months in an attempt to try to warm relations. He wants to find a french role in the construction of iraq. He wants something the french can do. See, now you know why france used to be called gaul. [ Light laughter ] I'll let you get out your dictionaries. Some of them -- doesn't france remind you of that friend you call to help you move and they go, "oh, i can't. I'm really busy. I can't help you." Then the next day they want to come over and watch the game on your big screen tv. Do you know what i'm saying? [ Applause ] and today the homeland security code was lowered. It was lowered, except here in los angeles, where it was raised to code red. Nothing to do with middle east. Just rodney king out driving again. [ Laughter ] rodney's back in the news. Did you hear about this? Our old friend rodney king driving 100 miles an hour the other night in his suv. 100 miles an hour in an suv, hit a telephone pole, bounced off a tree, smashed through a fence, slammed into a house. Well, nice to see after all these years, rodney's still got it. Hasn't lost his touch. Hasn't lost his touch. Listen to this. Did the whole thing without spilling his beer. [ Laughter ] hey, kev, what does rodney call a three bedroom house in rialto? >> Kevin: What's that? >> Jay: Short cut! [ Rim shot ] [ applause ] actually, they said tonight on the news that if rodney king is involved in one more drunk driving accident, he'll be eligible to become a commercial airline pilot. >> Kevin: We should have him on the show, jay. >> Jay: We should have rodney on the show. >> Kevin: Bring rodney on the show, man. >> Jay: Tell you what, you pick him up in your car. [ Laughter ] >> kevin: All those cars you got? We could use one of yours. >> Jay: That's it. And folks, it happened again. Last night at a white sox home game with kansas city, a fan ran onto the field, attacked the umpire. Attacked. See, this is not fair. 'Cause umpires make easy targets because with their eyesight, they can't pick people out of a lineup. They don't know who attacked them. You know what I'm saying? This is not fair. What else happened in sports? Earlier tonight, michael jordan played his last game. And you know everyone in the stands, you could see the whole stands, they all had that same thought. "Oh, man, how bad are the wizards gonna suck next year?" You could feel it in the room. Much like I'm feeling it now. [ Laughter ] now, you know, i was on the internet the other night -- [ cheers ] I want to show you something i found on the internet. I went to the dunkin' donuts website. Don't ask me why i did this. >> Kevin: I was just gonna ask -- >> jay: I know what you look at on the internet. I want to show you something. This is the actual dunkin' donuts website. This is their actual website. On it you can buy dunkin' donuts t-shirts that come in sizes medium, large, extra large and extra, extra large. Gee, i wonder why dunkin' donuts doesn't sell any small t-shirts? [ Laughter ] they don't even have one for sale. 'Cause if you're eating a donut, what are you going to do, dust your house with maybe a small one. >> Kevin: Jay, how bad did you have the munchies to have to go to dunkin' donut's website? [ Laughter ] >> jay: You can't actually eat a donut on the website. [ Applause ] gee, i wonder what you were looking at on the internet last night. >> Kevin: Well, it wasn't doughnuts. [ Laughter ] >> jay: You know, there's a joke there and I am not even going to touch it. Well, here's some good news. Doctors say our good friend rodney dangerfield, the great comedian, our old friend rodney dangerfield, recovering nicely from brain surgery. Had brain surgery. He's gonna make a full recovery, which is great news. However, they can't do anything for carrot top. [ Laughter ] so rodney, the best. What else? Oh, here you go, monica lewinsky hosting a reality show for fox beginning next week. [ Cheers ] you know about this show? Show's called "mr. Personality" where a woman will try to choose between 20 men who all have masks on. And monica lewinsky will offer her dating advice. [ Laughter ] well, who better to offer advice on choosing a guy without seeing his face than monica lewinsky? [ Applause ] 7-eleven introducing their own line of beer. Yeah, it's actually aged longer than the hot dogs, i understand. [ Light laughter ] and their slogan, I love their slogan, "tastes great, just kidding. Tastes great, just kidding." Oh, speaking of that, listen to this. Hamilton beach has just come out with something they call on-the-go blenders. The on-the-go blender. You plug it into your cigarette lighter and you can blend drinks right in your car. [ Laughter ] a blender in your car. Like we're not distracted enough by people with cell phones, now rodney king will be making mixed drinks at 100 miles an hour. Whipping up margaritas when he hits a house. Great. Great. Good idea. Smart idea. [ Applause ] oh, and finally, an art gallery here in los angeles is hosting an exhibit with paintings and art of anna nicole smith. The paintings of art of anna nicole smith. Her favorite painting, doughnuts playing poker, i believe. [ Applause ] now, folks, as you know, hong kong has been ravaged by this sars, you know, this severe acute respiratory syndrome. You know, this disease going around. In fact, tourism officials in hong kong are canceling a tourist campaign that has a slogan "hong kong will take your breath away." Yeah, that was the actual slogan. That was the real slogan, they realized, "well, we can't do that while this is going on." So they're trying some new slogans. And these are some of the interesting ones they're considering. I like this one here. "Visit hong kong, you won't be sar-y." [ Audience ohs ] see, i don't think that will work. "Hong kong, solving the overpopulation problem one case at a time." [ Audience ohs ] not bad. This one's kind of nice. "Under every face mask is a smile." [ Applause ] here's mine -- I like this one. "Hong kong, home of the bottomless cup of phlegm." [ Laughter ] "hey, come for the tlc, stay for the icu." [ Light laughter ] my favorite, everybody, is "kung flu fighting." See, i like that. [ Applause ] here's a good one. "Hey, at least there aren't any french people here." [ Cheers and applause ] not a bad one. Yeah, there you go. Folks, we'll be right back with "sidewalking" and edward burns. Say hello to kevin eubanks. [ Applause ] [ Cheers and applause ] >> jay: All right. Ladies and gentlemen, it's time for something we call "sidewalking." We set up a camcorder and a microphone on universal city walk. We put a sign telling people, "look, just come up, talk to the camera. Do whatever you want. Complain. Show off your talent." You think the people on "american idol" are -- [ laughter ] if you think the people on "american idol" and "star search" are talented -- that's what i was going say -- >> kevin: Oh, there you go. >> Jay: Well, look no further than this. Check it out. Walk this way talk this way walk this way talk this way >> i'm going to make some disgusting noises with a straw and my armpit. [ Makes noises with armpit ] [ laughter ] thank you. >> Hi, my name's eva. I'm from california. I was born and raised in burbank. I'm so happy to see jay leno's here, because I always thought he looked a little bit like bob big boy. And we went there for breakfast this morning. [ Laughter ] [ applause ] >> hello, jay. Greetings from germany. [ Laughter ] >> hi, jay. I got an opening on my bowling team over in burbank. We were wondering if you had any free time and you want to come on by and bowl in our league on wednesday nights at 9:00. You're morthan welcome. My sister's not coming in from tucson for passover this year, so we got a couple openings at my brother's house if you want to stop on by for passover. My mom makes a mean matzah koogle, if you know what a matzah koogle is. [ Laughter ] >> edd: And now for a "sidewalking" celebrity sighting. Academy award nominee gary sinise. >> Is he on? Hey, jay. That's it. [ Laughter ] >> edd: That was academy award nominee gary sinise. [ Cheers and applause ] >> i got an arnold schwarzenegger impression. [ Imitating arnold ] get to the chopper, now! [ Laughter ] this one's from "kindergarten cop." [ Imitating arnold ] my name is detective john kimble. I'm going to ask you a bunch of questions, I want you to answer immediately. Who's your daddy and what does he do? [ Laughter ] thank you. [ Applause ] >> i'm going to do my impression of ms. Swan from "mad tv." [ Imitating ms. Swan ] okay, let me tell you everything, okay? [ Laughter ] you looking like a man. He looking like a man, okay? [ Laughter ] okay. Bye. [ Imitating bob goldthwait ] >> hi, jay, I really enjoy your programming. You need, like, a little more fire. Like i said, a little bit. [ Laughter ] okay, I'm going to do another impression. This one's of fran drescher from "the nanny." [ Imitating fran drescher ] >> stop it, mr. Sheffield, you're embarrassing me. [ Laughter ] >> andrea, you piece of [ bleep ]. Turn on the [ bleep ] channel and bring me back my [ bleep ] car keys you [ bleep ]. That's an impression of my grandma. [ Applause ] >> hi, j. Lo. I just want to say god bless our troops and may they come home safely. >> You know, you called him j. Lo. >> J. Lo, I apologize. Forgive me. But god bless -- >> you called him J. Lo again. <