Hello my Kyunnie. . .
Today was better. And I slept good. My person was in my dream. I didn't wake up for the live, I'm sorry. My person must have thought me sleeping and being hugged in my dream was more important. And I agree lol.
Did my mind wander, yes. Still the same subject. I understand the need and importance to heal. I just don't like feeling like this or feeling like my person shouldn't have to be dealing with my healing from this. Part of me thinks that it's been 4 years, hasn't it been long enough? But then I think it was 12 years before that. And a lot of hurt happened. I tell people there were good times, but the thing I wondered today was this. Did he really truly love me? I don't know if the answer is easy. And I'm not sure if a yes or a no is better than a mixed answer. I've always said he loved me in his own way. Honestly today though, that feels like me making an excuse for him hurting me how he did.
When you love someone, as your love grows, don't you want to start figuring out how to make them more of a priority? Or something of that sort? I'm context, his children from his first marriage were always above me, even when they wouldn't talk to him, ignored him, or cut him off. I get they are his sons, but still? Is that wrong of me to feel that way? I think he loved his ex-wife more than me. He would talk to her for a long time, even as the boys became adults. Towards the end he would only talk to her when I wasn't there. That's not a fair love to me. The belittling me. Comparing me to his ex-wife. In the same breath of apologizing to me he would say we were only having a conversation because he wanted me to be a better person. Is that how you love someone?
I want to say it was love. I want to say I was happy. Today though, thinking back, I don't think it was love. I wasn't happy. Not completely. Or at the very least I didn't allow myself to feel anything else truly or fully.
What is love? How do you know you love someone then? I love my person. I want him to be genuinely happy. To be so loved, even if it's not with me. I want him to pursue his dreams, in whatever direction it takes him.
Is love only selfless? Or does real love learn a balance of the selfless and the selfish.
Like in order to love does one need to be able to recognize and accept that genuine love from the other person. And a love for ones self also? Does it need to recognize if not being with said person is at that moment the best thing for themselves or both?
Love can be giving and receiving, right? But can it be a demanding love? Not to the point of taking or stealing it from the other person. But more of like. . . idk. . . like I wish I could tell my person this. Love me. Make sure you are certain that you love me. Tell me you love me. Tell me as often as you can. I won't grow tired or annoyed with hearing that. Shower me with attention when we are close to each other. If you are busy doing something and I can be near you but be quiet, let me. Hold my hand whenever you want to. Just take it. Show the world you love me. I want to show the world I love you. Be cutesy lovey with me. Or me with you.
To sum it all up. . . Just love me truly, genuinely, and profoundly. I deserve all that and more.
I'm grateful for the progress I've made in my healing though. I know in the past I would have days like yesterday and I would continue to think and ponder. . . wallow is a really good word for that. But more and more I'm recognizing the pattern or whatever. I try to think outside the thought, if that makes sense. Like looking at the thought or situation from a different perspective. Pulling myself out of the middle and seeing it more as a whole.
I need to go. The medicine is kicking in and my eyes are starting to close.
I hope your day is wonderful Kyunnie.
Until another time
I love you and miss you 😘